My wife committed adultery; what should I do?
Assalam O Alaikum,
A Pakistani Muslim man married a Filipino lady in UK about 2 years ago. She embraced Islam at the time of Nikah. Life went on as usual. After 1 year of marriage, Husband visa refused, and he came back to Pakistan. After 6 month, husband received a call from a Filipino man that he had sexual relationship with his wife. Pakistani man confirmed from his wife, she confessed adultery. Now the wife has confessed that she committed adultery, She is not very much repenting and even she is not practising Muslim; she drink wine occasionally; attending Christening parties. She is ready to accept any decision that the husband makes but is also seeking forgiveness.
My questions are that under these circumstances:
1- Is nikah still valid?
2- Is it compulsory now for the husband to divorce her?
3- If the husband wants to forgive for sake of Allah?
4- If forgiveness is allowed and the matter stays confidential between the two and the wife reforms and mends her ways, what should be the attitude of the husband in the future?
5- As Prophet Mohammed PBUH said to not reveal such matters and to try and cover it, does it also imply between husband and wife?
Husband is too much confused, what to do now? keep this marriage or divorce her? He is mentally upset. He don't want to take any step which Allah and his prophet (PBUH) forbade. Please help.
adz_pk
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Salaams,
I can understand that this is a very difficult situation for you to be in. Let me reassure you that there have been many Islamic marriages that have recovered from adultery, and the couple have been able to learn to trust one another again. This is possible.
Committing adultery does not invalidate the nikah. You are still considered married until a divorce is clearly issued, whether adultery has happened once or several times. However, adultery is a very grave sin against oneself, the marriage, and Allah. For that reason, if you want to divorce a spouse who has committed adultery, you have every right.
You should be aware though, that just because adultery has taken place, it does not mean you are obligated to divorce. You have the choice to divorce your wife, or to forgive her and try to work things out. That choice is yours alone to make, and no one can properly advise you of which path to consider without knowing either one of you well. I would advise you to make istikhara about the matter.
If you end up deciding to stay with your wife and trying to work past this, it is important that you have the right attitude. Once you've forgiven someone, you are releasing them from any punishment they would be due for their actions, so you shouldn't punish her for what she did by bringing it up in arguments or using it as a means of belittling her. None of us are without sin, and without mercy we are all despicable creatures in that regard. If she has repented and asked forgiveness from Allah, you must treat her as He would and give her the opportunity to earn your trust again. This being said, it doesn't mean you have to start trusting her automatically without her earning it back. You can tell her some reasonable expectations you have of her that she must fulfill to become trustworthy in your eyes again, such as not drinking, going to social events, and spending time only with other females etc. If she has a difficult time agreeing to these stipulations or refuses altogether to work with you, then you have a much bigger issue on your hand as far as her level of commitment to the marriage. Those who have made mistakes against their spouse and truly want to make it right are willing to do ANYTHING reasonable to fix it.
It may be that you both will need to work with a therapist to help resolve what has happened and navigate the path of reconciliation. There will be a lot of hard work ahead of you, but if you are both equally committed to making it work then success can be yours.
As far as covering sins, the fact that you know about it and she knows about it would mean this sin is not covered between the two of you. Keep it covered by not telling others (friends, family) about what happened. Allah is the Coverer and Exposer, so by keeping it between yourselves is trusting Him to dispose of the matter as He sees fit when it comes to others. However, if you do decide to get counseling, you will have to share this w/the therapist but I personally believe that this is not a bad thing as therapists are held by their licensing boards to treat the matter without bias and keep all information confidential.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Divorce her, if she was ashamed of hewr sins and repentant, we would all encourage you to try and forgive, but when a person is acting like she is, without a care in the world, you are best advised to divorce and marry a good Muslimah.
It is ideal that someone finds it in their heart to forgive someone who has wronged them, especially with sins of betrayal like this. But bro..as much as I want to tell you to forgive her and make it work, what is the point when from what you have stated, it is clear that she is not regretful over what she has done?
What is the gurantee that this will not repeat if the very basic requirement for that - which is to feel ashamed for something you have done - is not being fufilled here? Be wise.
Allahu musta'an.
I agree with john and sis faith. . . Divorce that woman bcos doesnt deserve someone like u. . Moreover, from ur statement, it seems as if she has not regreted over her deeds and she doesnt feel guilty, that's why she is ready to accept any decission you make. .
Assalaamu'alaikum...
From the very first place she doesn't worth you...Bro first of all you are the wrong one from the beginning...she accepted Islam because of you not for Allah Ta'ala and according to a Hadith it is said better to marry a muslim girl who is not practising than a non-muslim girl...you did said she became muslim upon nikah...ya you right, i'm blaming you for all this...
Just live her in the best way, i mean attitude and character, oki...bye and Take Care. Don't worry dude you'll get a better muslim Woman...actually you may find one on this site itself...
lets see what Mr Waeh will tell me now...is the block/site completely safe, going according to Islam or somewhere there are wrong things going on...
I'm sorry brother, are you talking about me in that last paragraph? Why are you trying to start an argument with me or make some negative implications about this website?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
That too on made up claims! You guys should seriously consider mandatory registration. Considering the psychos who end up on here sometimes.
Oooo...keep the tension stable my dear...no need to get angry or don't know what you going through...life is easy, so keep cool and enjoy. I know you have gone through the up and down of life, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't respect my point...just be open minded...just erase what you are thinking right now from your mind...yea you think what the hell i'm talking about...that am i giving you a lecture and so on...just control your Anger...i just want the best of yea...Take Care...
Mr Wael you asked me a question and you have answered yourself...
Oh my God...is everything all right Mr Wael?
Brother all people are welcome here but I'm not interested in playing silly games. If you keep it up, you'll get yourself banned.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam..the best thing i'd suggest is sit down and talk to her and discuss the entire issue..and mainly ask Guidance from Allah..because we worship him alone and only beseech him for help..pray Istikhara brother and Ask Allah for guidance..salam.
Assalaamu'alaikum...Good and Bad is from Allah Ta'ala
Oups sorry...yea you are Mr Wael not Waeh...Oh Good God!!!Start an argument...hmmm...a sort of but not really to you but to the website. I have the feeling that you are among those who make this website...that why i wrote this...just to attract your attention...and as u did...which i wanted you to...i mean you came up of what i was intending...pop up the argument thing...i problem is not to discuss or having any argument with ya but just want to get your opinion. But by the way we'll meet soon...
Mr Weal i don't know why...sometime i got the feeling that certain problem or question of the writers to the website shouldn't be there. Of course no-one is perfect but certain things should be done "secretly"...i mean go directly to a Scholar. For example the weakness of a husband/wife shouldn't be said here...its completely Haraam this. Actually islam teaches to compromise. Mr Wael...Islam makes Life easy and simple but because of our weaknesses, we face problem but believe me certain things should not be commented here...you know better than me.
I think you have already notice it...most of the problem on this website comes from marriage or any haraam relationship. The problem is about Man only not woman...the creation of Woman in its very nature is to be under the affection and love of man so as man finds tranquility in them. If the man has low Imaan...for sure he will not be able to keep the woman under his wings that is where problem begins. Allah Ta'ala has created woman more weaker than man but when both get together through nikah...Wow...awesome...they become very strong and may fight the fitna of this world.
Actually what you are doing here is awesome but again certain questions shouldn't be asked here and even responses sometime are shocking. Please Alhamdulillah you'll understand me, i know. One thing that may be done to overcome this is to make continuous Muzaakirah (remind), just like azaan for the five daily prayers. Woman practices deen better than man because they always have continuity in their Action...as i mention...action. So if the upbringing...environment n so on, anything that has an effect on her emotion is good...everything would be good but if vice-versa, here the rise of destruction. And all this is due to the patience, character, attitude, perseverance of the man/husband towards his family and society.
One thing i have notice nowadays that girls are leaving their home without a Mahram...whether to go out with friends or for study specially. This the worst thing to do...let her go without a mahram...we are inviting trouble. I'm telling you Mr Weal most of the writers here...including even the responsers...they put their experience here...these problems should be anticipated with alot of wisdom and Imaan should be really strong. To deal with a man its, oki but what about a woman...Allah Ta'ala has made them complex...sometime they don't even understand each other...only Allah Ta'ala can by putting it in the heart of the man...
Now here on this site, everyone of different rate of Imaan and knowlegde of Deen are giving their opinion and most of the time is due to experience...now the writer reads all this and come up with his/her on concept of mind. Sometime due to emotional status...the writer can be bias to the responses. And the problem arises to woman because woman cannot take decision on there own...that why we all make Mashwerah and the Head should be a man. My point here is that the writer should deal with the problem with the family first then go to a scholar not come on the net and publish it here...if his/her own blood can't understand him/her...do you think we'll be able and make her/him understand the situation. Its very delicate when it comes to marriage...one thing i notice that our muslim society is suffering alot in marital life...its not stable at all. Very few are going through...so now its not about finding the solution of the problem they are facing...we should all put hand together and destroy the main root/source of the problem. Be from there be patient and move on...
Look Mr Weal i'm really sorry for anything i said which might have touch you...i want the best of everybody but they need to have patient and persevere...Mr wael i couldn't say all what i wanted to said because its too long...just try to make up your mind of what i wrote and come to your own conclusion...that the beauty here!!!You'll notice that some phrases are not complete...as if i should have add something or give more details because certain word may have more than one meaning...i'm really Sorry for that. Hope you understand Mr Weal...i'm not against the Website but certain measures should be taken.
People says something but you understand it in a more better way with the wisdom from Allah Ta'ala...hehe...Take Care...bizuuu...my biz here is a brother bizu, oki 🙂
Ma'assalaam...
brother, this woman has polluted your bed, and she has become unclean, and another mans fingerprints will always be on her.
i hope that Allaah forgives her, but i dont see how you should forgive her, or could find it in yourself to forgive her.
walk away out of your gheerah
Put down the papers and leave her
As easy as it is