Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My father refuses to marry me to my boyfriend because he is from a different part of India

Pakistan, India and BangladeshAssalamo alaikum,

Please help me. I'm at my wits end and I can't see any respite from this any time soon. I am your typical British Muslim girl. I am not proud of the way I have lived my life but I am who I am. Whilst I may not appear to look like a Muslim, i.e. no hijab, I am deeply spiritual and whole heartedly believe in Allah and His teachings. I may not follow them much, but I do believe in them.

My boyfriend and I have had a very adult western relationship for the past 9 1/2 years. Whilst I know this is wrong in Islam, neither my boyfriend nor I are deeply religious and I'm afraid we've never stopped to think about the consequences of our actions. We're trying to right this wrong but I have huge road block in the form of my father standing in my way. The man who was once a dear friend and confidante, the man who stood by all my choices, even the ones he didn't agree with, the man I was once proud to call 'dad' is determined to take it all away simply because the parents of the boy I love are from a different part of India to my dad.

He insists that he doesn't want to marry me outside of his culture because he would lose all his hard-earned respect and would become a social laughing stock. No matter how much I reassure him that no-one cares, he is determined in his belief.

This has been going on for little over a year. We don't talk much anymore, especially not about marriage. I am deeply saddened and ashamed that he's lost all respect for me and vice-versa. He's asked me to choose between my family and the man I love. He's tried emotional blackmail, even referred to me as an investment that he now expects a return on. I have a lot to be grateful to my parents for. They have given me the best start in life, a great education and all the material possessions I have ever asked for. But I am now being held ransom to this.

Is parental love so conditional? Do they give us, to obtain back later in life? I wish I'd known this before, I would never have accepted the private education or the so-called gifts. I would have strived for my own success just like all those around me.

I have tried living without my boyfriend but each time I give him up, a part of me dies. I know this sounds melodramatic but this is exactly how I feel. 9 years is a long time...

I've done Istikhara on several occasions and I'm prepared to accept a 'no' if Allah believes he is not my destiny. However, each time, I get a strong feeling that he and I are meant to be. Yet my dad says he doesn't believe in Istikhara and it is most certainly not meant for the likes of me. Is this true? Because I am not religious, because I do not pray, can I not talk to Allah through the medium of Istikhara?

My boyfriend's dad has tried approaching my own father with no avail. It went so badly, his dad refuses to contact mine again. I've given my boyfriend the phone number for a well-respected local Imaam but the Imaam is too busy to answer his phone. I have suggested my boyfriend he visit the Imaam in person but his lack of religion prevents him from doing so. This is no excuse, I know but I can't physically drag him into the mosque. I wish I could speak to the Imaam directly but I realise that as a Muslim female, I am not free to liaise with him directly.

I feel stupid for allowing myself to fall in love without thinking of my parents. I feel guilty that I am torturing my parents through disobedience. I feel guilty that I am testing my boyfriends desire to spend his life with me in such a harsh manner. I've grown up a lot in this past year. I have learnt a lot about the Indian culture and none of it is good. It feels like my parents are putting the happiness of those around them before my own and this makes me resilient in my own belief that I will not marry anyone but my boyfriend.

I pray to Allah every day that we find some resolution. I pray for Him to show me the right way. I pray for my parents to stop being mad at me. I don't know what else to do.

Please help...

- Sabs

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32 Responses »

  1. Salam, Sabs

    that's a pretty complicated situation you just described there ! You're in love with a man and you want to spend the rest of your life with him but your father won't let you, that's tough, especially when you've already been with this man for almost ten years, you probably can't even imagine your life without him. I deeply feel for you, and am sorry about what you're going through.

    You're not going to like my advice. In fact you're probably going to hate me for saying this but : this man is bad for you ! And not because your family doesn't approve of him, but because, you said it yourself : he's a bad muslim. What good could come from marrying such a person ? He won't even bring himself to talk to an imaam because "of his lack of religion" !

    I know what you're going to say : you're not religious either. You don't pray, you have a boyfriend, you don't wear hijab, etc. And that's, in my opinion, the real problem here. You have everything, good education, good life, loving parents, and who gave you all that ? Allah. Show some gratitude ! Alhamdulillah, you deeply believe in Him and in you religion, and that's good, but it's not enough. You should start making some changes in your life, you need to get closer to Allah, for that is the only way for you (and for anyone) to be happy. Love is good, but it won't get you into Paradise, and that's what you should be aiming at, and focussing on. Who's to say you're not going to die tomorrow ? or today ? or next month ?

    Learn the principles of Islam, learn how to pray, how to fast and how to become a good muslim. If you really believe in Islam, be true to what you believe in. True happiness can only be found with Allah, The Most Merciful. Repent sincerely from your past sins and inshaAllah God will forgive you. He says so Himself "whoever comes to me walking, I will come to them running" (hadith qudsi).

    To conclude, know that everything that God does is good and that everything happens for a reason. He knows what's good for you and knows you better than yourself. Worship Him and trust Him. Make peace with your father. Men come and go but you only get one father and one mother.

    May Allah guide you to what's best for you.


  2. Sabs:


    You are in a complex situation and there cannot be a straight forward answer. However, here are my thoughts:

    QUOTE [I am deeply spiritual and whole heartedly believe in Allah and His teachings. I may not follow them much, but I do believe in them.] UNQUOTE

    Alhamdulillah to know that you have a firm belief in the teachings of Allah and His Messenger. However, like any other knowledge, Islamic knowledge has two parts: belief (something that comes with learning) and application. Suppose, someone became a doctor. She learned and memorized all the books of medical science but if she cannot practice what she has learned or if she does not practice, what is the use of all those learning? You take any field of knowledge and you will find that any field of knowledge has two parts: learning and application. Engineers learn and then apply their knowledge to build bridges and sophisticated technological gadgets. Accountants learn and they use their knowledge to prepare balance sheet. Lawyers use their trick to defend their customers. So on and so on.

    If application of any field of knowledge cease, that field of knowledge eventually dies. Look at the Christianity. Basically it is a dead religion. Christians will say, "We love our God". You can easily find a Christian who will say that he or she is spiritually healthy, but you will hardly find a Christian who practically applies the teachings of Bible. They drink, fornicate and do many other things that are prohibited in their book. Do you see here how spirituality minus application has made their religion dead? If I consider the lifestyles, I do not see any difference between a Christian and an atheist. This is mainly because Christians have abandoned the application part of their religion.

    The Messenger of Allah on the other hand have emphasized on the application right from the beginning of Islam. Our conviction (spiritual belief) is like a tree. A tree needs to be watered properly. We water the tree of our conviction through salat, siyam, zakah and through observing whatever Allah and His Messenger told us to observe and refraining from whatever Allah and His Messenger told us to refrain from.

    I hope you have now understood the importance of application of religious knowledge. Obviously the relationship that you had with your bf for all these years was unlawful. Sincere repentance and application of Islamic knowledge thus could be the first step in coming out from your current complex situation.

    QUOTE[We're trying to right this wrong but I have huge road block in the form of my father standing in my way. ]UNQUOTE

    It has two parts:

    01. You are trying to make your relationship lawful: Yes, marriage will make your relationship lawful. However, as angelmr said above, this man will not be good from the perspective of Islam. According to the Messenger of Allah, the first thing to consider when choosing a soul mate is righteousness. You have clearly mentioned that your BF is not righteous. This will very likely be a cause of regret in the next world, if not in this world.
    However, I am not giving any verdict here. I fully understand taking 180 degree u-turn suddenly is not easy. So, the matter remains with you-you choose your soul mate based on your preferences.

    02. Your father’s blockade: I do not support his blockade because he is doing it for social and cultural reasons. Such blockade has no basis as per the teachings of the Messenger of Allah. If your father had blocked your marriage fearing well-being of your after life, I would have supported it.

    QUOTE[ Is parental love so conditional? Do they give us, to obtain back later in life? I wish I'd known this before, I would never have accepted the private education or the so-called gifts. I would have strived for my own success just like all those around me.]UNQUOTE

    QUOTE[I feel stupid for allowing myself to fall in love without thinking of my parents. I feel guilty that I am torturing my parents through disobedience. I feel guilty that I am testing my boyfriends desire to spend his life with me in such a harsh manner. I've grown up a lot in this past year. I have learnt a lot about the Indian culture and none of it is good. It feels like my parents are putting the happiness of those around them before my own and this makes me resilient in my own belief that I will not marry anyone but my boyfriend.]UNQUOTE

    These lines have touched my heart. I have heard that parental love is unconditional, but I do not believe in that, especially when we have Indian sub-continental parents. I have sub-continental parents and I fully understand how frustrating a situation could be.

    Surely parents have the right to expect obedience from their sons and daughters, but sometimes their demand becomes extreme. My beloved mom takes offense if I do not buy clothes or cell phone according to her choice. Can you imagine that? By the grace of Allah, I never had any relationship with any girl, but if I just say that “momma, I want to marry that girl”, I am afraid that she may have a heart attack. She loves me most in this world but as soon as I marry the girl I merely like (here by like I mean I simply saw the girl somewhere, in a function) she would never accept me and my marriage for the rest of my life. I have failed to understand such type of parental love.

    Like you, I am extremely sick of sub-continental culture of controlling the aspects of their off-springs’ life. In most families, you will find that moms had to undergo emotional affliction in their in laws house where their husband did not protect them, and thus they secure emotional solace from controlling the lives of their children as if children should compensate them by acting like their slaves. Fathers on the other hand probably think, “I married according to my parents’ choice, so my children should marry according to my choice”. They never learn from their failed, empty, blank, communication-less, emotion-less marriage.
    I despise sub-continental culture. I hate it. It needs to change. I have an overprotective mom and I obey whatever she says without hesitation. I do it for the sake of Allah. She is my way to Jannah and I do not want to lose Jannah. However, the chain needs to be broken. Inshallah, when Allah will bless me with a family and children, I will love them unconditionally. I will never interfere their life unless it is something related with deen. I will try to understand them and I will inshallah communicate with them. I will pray to Allah so that he keeps me capable during my old age, both financially and physically so that I will not become dependent of my children and become a burden on them their life. I however will serve my parents the way they want, for the sake of Allah, but inshallah, I will start the tradition of coming out of such culture slavery.

    Sister: Here is a book that you can read about the bad sides of sub-continental culture. The author of this book wrote about Japanese culture; however it exactly fits sub-continental culture. Please read it and let me know your feedback 😉

    Yellow on the outside, shame on the inside: Asian culture revealed.

  3. Hi. I totally sympathise with wat ur goin thru as im in a similar situation but the other way round. My boyfriends parents will not see me as im a pakistani and they are bengalis. They have told him to choose and he feels torn. This results in arguments and tension as he is made to feel guilty. Then he will try do the right thing by them and break up with me but it dsnt wrk. Its got me very insecure tho. Just recently they said he can get out the house if he married me. He then told me this and said for now he dsnt see a way and he cant keep me waitin so i should leave him to keep fightin that decision. But just in case it dsnt wrk i should try lessen contact with him. I was very hurt. Even tho i no hes still fightin with them over this i was still heartbroken. But as soon as ranadan hit i fekt a sudden change. My advice to u is this. Dont try n explain to ppl if u are a good muslim or bad. No one knows. Only god nos wat action of ours will save us or prevent us from heaven. All u can do is strive to do better. I am just like u. Born here in the uk studied here my relationship was for the past five yrs. And thru life u learn. No one wants to keep a haram relationship goin. Dont be too harsh on urself but understand one simple thing. U can fight so much and in the end wat god wants will happen. U sound like uv fought loads. Now just let it be. Wat will happen now will hapen. God always does wats best. Try and pray more try and keep urself busy. Now y will ur boyfriend not go to the imam?? Anyone can ask for islamic advice u dont need to be deeply religious but strivin to do better wud be gud. In my eyes ur bf shud do that for u. And it is wrong of ppl to suggest ur bf is not the man for u. Maybe u two could help each other turn to allah swt??? Someone previosly said to u hes a bad muslim and u shudnt marry him. I disagree. No one can say who is good and bad. However. Realistically. Think bout havin kids with this man. Think if islamically he will want the same as u.sumtyms we do bad for ourselvs but evryone wants more for there kids to stop them makin the same mistake. My final advice??? If u cant get married without ur dads blessings which i actually think u shouldnt do cz its important to hav their blessing. Then u need to accept ur situation. Yes i love him. No i cant marry him becz of my family. Just try to accept it. Not get over him just accept it. And from acceptance ul slowly become calmer n move on. And pray namaz etc ask for firgiveness and understand allah nos best.dont act harsh with ur dad. Forgive him for his slight narrowmindedness life is short. I really sympathise with ur pain x x

    • HIi, my probelm is like yours, His parents wont accept me because i am not from the same village that he comes from and i come from an "open minded" family background. I would love to know what happened with ur relationship. Maybe it will give me an insight on what is the end of this dark hole. The only problem with me is that, he always told me i wont fight for u because that is disrespect to his parents. He only asked once and they refused and he is planning to ask again but he said hell never fight. I understand him because we muslims are not like the western life where we believe "he should fight for me or he doesnt love me." Family is family.

  4. Sabs, Asalaamualaikum,

    Someone wrote in on this website a few days ago, I do not remember their name, but they made a very good point: We cannot just pick and choose which parts of Islam we wish to follow to suit our desires. You want to use your Islamic right to choose your own marriage partner, but what about the rest of the Islamic laws; what about doing what is obligatory and permitted and staying away from what is forbidden? Perhaps what you are experiencing now may be your wake up call, your time to turn to Allah because everything has come to a climax and you know that only He(swt) can make things right.

    Sabs, something you said stood out to me, you said that although neither you nor your boyfriend are religious, you are aware that you are sinning and want to put this wrong right - Alhumdulillah. Let this be your first step towards improving yourselves for the sake of Allah. It may seem like a long journey ahead of you, but its not too late.


    - If you want to put your wrongs right, then first and foremost mend your relationship and connection with The Creator: Allah. Imagine a vertical line connecting you at the bottom with Allah at the top. In order to make this connection strong, you must stop your haraam relationship with your boyfriend. Make a firm resolution to never return to this sin again. Seek sincere repentance/do tawbah. You have the spirituality and belief in Allah - Alhumdulillah, but this without the physical manifestation is pointless; especially since you are not ignorant to what you should be doing. There is a saying, " If you want to talk to Allah(swt) perform your salah, and if you want Him(swt) to talk to you read the Qur'an." So establish your Salaah and Allah will open your eyes and heart up to His guidance in the Quran. You are not a bad person Sabs, but you have allowed yourself to engage in doing bad things. Its not too late to stop and turn around. Encourage your boyfriend to turn to Allah aswell.

    - Having strengthed your connection/relationship with Allah, it will become easier for you to work on your relationship with Allah's creation. If you and the young man in question both become closer to Allah (and it is not too late), you will be more confident when approaching the topic of marriage with your father and you can seek help from Allah without feel hypocritical inshaAllah. Your father seems to have lead a life based more on culture than religion; hence he is using his cultural values to make his decisions. If he sees you have sincerely turned towards Allah and away from your western lifestyle, he may actually start to take you a little more seriously Sister. At the moment he is mocking you wanting to pray Istikhara because he knows you are picking and choosing parts of religion to suit yourself.

    - So Sister - correct yourself and then yes, definitely do Istikhara. Two of the conditions of doing Istikhara and of seeing and recognising Allah's guidance are that you stop sinning and start doing all your obligatory acts of worship - i.e your five daily salaah; fasting in Ramadan etc. Furthermore, yes - as a Muslim female, you are permitted to go and speak directly to an Imaam for advice and he can try and convince you father. If you live in the UK, I can put you in touch with some very good Imaams.


    I can see you want to make a positive change in your life Sabs, you just need to prioritise what you are doing and focus on the things in the right order - Allah and you, then you and the others around you. As for your boyfriend, you are right, you cannot drag him to visit the Imaam; but if he is not religiously inclined, then I can understand why he doesnt want to go. I don't even think this is the answer; as he needs to sort himself out first, i.e. sincerely repent, turn to Allah etc. You can do your part, but this young man needs to be willing to change himself too.

    My dear sister, remember if you turn to Allah and make the Hereafter your main concern, you will develop a confidence in making decisions that nothing else can give you. Use this month of Ramadan to attain Taqwa and to obtain Allah's Mercy and Guidance.

    Al Quran: "Our Lord! Grant unto us a spouse and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."

    SisterZ, Editor

  5. Sorry for the spellin mistakes. I meant as soon as ramadan hit i felt a sudden change 🙂

  6. Salaams Sabs,

    Excellent and intelligent responses from Angelmr. Blackhole and Sister Z.

    I think it is fair to suggest that this man may well be wrong for you Sabs, unlike Aliya25s opinion. At the end of the day, a husband is the sheperd of his family, but how can he rightly guide you when he doesn't know the way himself? If your boyfriend really wants to make this happen, he will drop his ego and humbly seek help from the Imaam for a start.

    You have spent a long time in this relationship but as said above, our main concern is the hereafter which is forever.

    Only Allah has the will to change your fathers mind. However, how can one expect help from Allah without showing devotion to Him and following His Laws. Reiterating the same message, Islam is a practical religion and it is not enough to simply say you believe. Actions speak louder than words, and actions accompanied by sincere belief is really what counts.

    Yes, only Allah can know what is truly in our hearts, and who is a good or bad Muslim. However you have already stated that you and your boyfriend are not religious. No one is asking you to prove to others, but to prove to Allah your sincerity.

    You could have easily gone against the wishes of your father and married but I think the fact that you have come to this site for help shows an indication that Allah is willing you to correct your wrongdoings. So follow the advice and repent.

    If a parent has a valid Islamic case against a potential spouse then fair enough, but your fathers argument is not valid Islamically. However, there is a valid argument in the fact that your spouse is not religious.

    I know of a couple whose married life is a disaster. They were both not practising Muslims whilst dating. After marriage, the woman made changes in her life and began to practise. Her husband didn't appreciate this and mocked her as boring. She thus strayed away from the deen on account of this. However things became worse for her and she resumed her salaat again. They are at the end of the road as her husband is stuck in the dark still.

    Submit to the will of Allah and refrain from further wrongdoing. Pray that Allah may rightly guide you and that your worldly affairs do not affect your worship of Allah.



  7. I don't know what to say. First and foremost, thanks to the advice you have all collectively provided. Many of you have suggested I make changes in my life, turn to Allah etc etc. I have. To calm me, to soothe my aching soul I have turned to Salaah and on the odd occasion, I even pray the Qur'an. To people like you, who take for granted your ability to turn to Salaah and recite the Qur'an this may not be such a big deal but you have to understand that we (my bf and I) belong to families where seeing people performing acts of Allah is not commonplace.
    I can make a million excuses as to why I am the way I am. I can give you lots of reasons for why I'm not religious but at the end of the day, the responsibility of this is all mine and there is no real excuse for my behaviour. I know this and I am trying to make this right - one small step at a time. Just to clarify though, I have always fasted throughout Ramadhan. Despite living on my own for almost a decade, Ramadhan fasting is something I've held onto with dear life. But you're right, I can't pick and choose the aspects of religion I want to follow. Although I am Muslim and am proud of this identity, there is little difference between myself and a non-Muslim discovering Islam. I am doing my research and adopting the practises of Islam slowly over time. I'm doing what little I can but inshallah one day, I will be like you (i.e. users and advisers at Zawaj).
    As for my relationship with my boyfriend - call me stubborn but I will stand by him. I see it as my duty to help him discover Islam. He finds this hard to do by himself as he has even less religious influence than I do, but Inshallah when we are married, we will seek guidance together.
    I see your viewpoint that from a religious perspective, he is not right for me. But from a religious perspective, everything about our relationship is unlawful. He did eventually go and see the Imaam having called ahead and arranged an appropriate time to speak with him. However, when he got there, the Imaam wasn't there and after waiting for no less than 5 hours, he gave up. He hasn't tried again despite me asking him to and there is good reason for this but again, I would just be making excuses. Inshallah one day, he will try again.
    I wish I could just let this go because it would mean an easier life for those around me but what about me? What about him? This is about us and yet no matter what I decide, I lose. That just doesn't seem fair...
    With respect to Sisterz offer of putting me in touch with an Imaam, then yes please. I would very much like that.
    Thank you once again to all the various users for all your advice. And Aliyah25 I agree with you - no one has the right to judge me except Allah himself.

    • Dear Sabs,

      I am sorry if my reply came across as judgemental, that was the last thing I intended to do. In fact what stood out to me was that despite the level of religion you and your B/F are practising, you have both realised that you are sinning and want to do something about it by getting married. Either I didn't word my reply well or maybe you misunderstood what I was aiming to say.

      You said that people like us take for granted our ability to turn to Salaah and recite Qur'an and so this may not be such a big deal for us. Sabs, alot of the people on this site including some of the Editors have been through difficulties and praying Salaah and reciting Quran hasnt become habitual over night. I myself unfortunately have not been regular in my Salaah all my life and have also faced my fair share of ups and downs. Alhumdulillah I am regular in my Salaah now but am still striving and at times struggling to find khushoo and peace. Praying Salaah and reciting Quran doesnt and hasnt just come easily to me; I felt empty and knew this was the missing ingredient, so I had to push myself towards it and then slowly but surely it became easier Alhumdulillah.

      I also know that it must be very difficult for you and for many people who are have been brought up in families where religion is not given the importance it should be. It is in fact the parents who are ultimately at fault here for not giving their children the Islamic education they needed. So although you are already Muslim, I agree with you, you are now re-discovering your Islamic Identity. Alot of us have been through a similar thing Sabs and can relate to how you are feeling; you could refer to it as maybe being a 'born again Muslim'. Alhumdulillah, you are praying Salaah now; maybe all you are going through is a blessing in disguise as it has made you start your Salaah. Everything happens for a reason :O).

      If I suggested that you try your utmost to turn towards Allah then I said this to you from the bottom of my heart as one Muslim sister to another. Alhumdulillah you are researching and trying to adopt the practises of Islam over time - may Allah make this journey easy for you. Of course its going to be hard for you but with patience and perserverance it will become easier inshaAllah. You have already take the first step which is to want to get married in order to break the cycle of committing sin.

      If you are striving in the right way, it will be easier for you to support this man in the right way too inshaAllah. You have been with him for so long, so it is completely understandable that you do not want to just leave him especially during this difficult time. But I will remind you Sabs, that you can support him better by refraining from sinning; because atleast this way you will not be incurring Allah's Anger and He(swt) will be pleased with you for trying for His(swt) sake. You know the severe punishment for zina in Islam as it is a major sin, clearly the veil has been lifted from your eyes, so you are not ignorant. If you continue in engaging in haraam, there is no excuse and you will both be disobeying Allah and harming yourselves greatly. Difficult as it may be, you could tell this man that you want to pursue him for marriage, but want to take a halaal approach. If you want to see positive results, changing the way you do things now is necessary.


      Practically, I think it is best for you both to marry as soon as possible and work on your faith together in the protection of this sacred institution, but until the marriage happens I can only advise you to be patient for your own sakes. I also think you need to see an Imaam who can help convince your father and as 'Hopeful' said, maashAllah you want your father's blessings; many people would have overlooked this. I will contact you privately to give you details of some very qualified, open minded and 'problem solving' (as opposed to problem enhancing) Imaams you can liaise with inshaAllah. I am sure you will find them helpful.

      Furthermore, I wanted to add, dear sister, you seem to be a good person and a striving soul. There is no reason why you cannot offer valuable advice to others on this website now. The lessons you are learning or have learned through your life's experiences have already given you a wealth of wisdom to offer others in similar situations. None of us are flawless Sabs, Editors included - so we all need to keep improving ourselves inshaAllah.

      Allah says in Surah 13, Ayah 11: “Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls)”

      Alhumdulillah, may we all keep striving inshaAllah :O). I will contact you privately.

      SisterZ, Editor

      • You're right, maybe I misinterpreted what you, Blackhole and angelmr have written as judgement but let this not retract from the fact that you have all, both individually and collectively offered my some very invaluable advice and I really appreciate that.
        As for your offer of a helpful Imaam, yes please as this was the ultimate purpose of writing to you.
        I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was more religiously sound that I could stay away from him with the consolation that religion will see my through. Inshallah, I will strive for this and hopefully succeed (fingers crossed).
        I didn't mean my comment regarding religion coming easily to the people on this website as a dig although I can understand it could be interpreted as one. I am learning that some of the most religious amongst us, i.e. the born Muslims, are those that have 'strayed' from the path of Allah and stumbled back on it for many different reasons, all of which relate to personal tumoil and/or strife. What I meant to say with my comment is 'bear with me'. I am at the bottom of a very large mountain and am climbing my way up it - slowly. In the past, when life got hard, I ran to ease my woes but now, I also pray. That's a huge deal for me.

  8. Sabs,

    Alhamdulillah ! I'm very happy to hear you have started performing salaah ! Mabrook, dear sister ! It IS a big deal and it's a decision you will never regret. I first started praying (on a regular basis, before that it was an on and off thing) seven years ago and it felt like such a liberation ! I had never felt so in peace and happy. So I know exactly what you're talking about.

    You're not stubborn, you're just in love and I understand that, and if you truly feel that you can help him change and that your refusing to give up the idea of marrying him isn't going to destroy your relationship with your familiy, and that in time, you or an imaam will be able to convince them, then go for it. But please, until then, you have to stop seeing your boyfriend, for Allah's sake. In Islam, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are not permissible.

    Just be patient, Sabs, seek refuge in this warm, beautiful thing called Islam, and rely on Allah.

  9. Sabs. Firstly i feel the need to justify my reply to u as it was insinuated that it wasnt intelligent enuf. After readin ur first initial question it was apparent to me that u were seekin the right path however u realise u havent always done right islamically. Just like me. So i no u prob find it diffucult as i do bcz sumtyms i feel im not good enuf or religious enough. I still stand by my advice on the religion part. U try to go towards allah now it will give u peace. And slowly it will become a part of ur life.
    I might have answered ur question on this site bit im by no means religious like u said users of this site are in fact the things u describe bout urself are the same as me. I dont wear hijab. I stumbled on this site while desperate for help with my own situation. The reason i said no one has the right to tell u to leave him is bcz no one knows him like u and we didnt no from ur question if he was willing to become more religious or not. Thats y i thought it was premature for other readers to say leave him hes bad etc. I cant stand labellin ppl without knowin them. If u feel u can fight still just fight till ur father gives in. And pray to god to suppport u.

  10. Also. I was the youngest daughter of parents who seemed to get less strict as i was growin up i was allowed a lot of freedom compared to my older parents. My dad is now dead. Thats y i say dont be harsh towards ur parents life is short. Ppl dont realise it is hard to turn to religion if u havent been brought up like that. Thats y instead of puttin yourself down think of positives like i think it is positive ur seekin ur parents permission u easily could have ran off. Ur seekin gods advice. Thats good. Dont be too harsh on urself. Keep fightin but take care of urself. That is wat im doing now x

    • I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father Aliya. I have seen a lot of death in my 28 years and so value human life a great deal. I don't want to leave home to start a life with another man on bad terms. 'Running away' was never an option but I would be lying if I said we hadn't considered packing our bags and moving away, whilst all the time telling them exactly where we are.

      I hope things sort themselves out for you. x

  11. I again wanted to write a big reply, but retreated as I most often cannot say things very calmly like SisterZ and likes. So I will say this:

    That you have come to this website and received some advice on how to turn to Allah is probably a big opportunity Allah has blessed you with. I would say, GRAB IT with both hands. You do not know if such opportunity will ever come again. I know how hard it is, but if you exert a little effort, humbly and sincerely, divine help with come for sure. Just remember that there are no great helper except Allah, for He is the one who can help both in this world and the hereafter.

    • Dear Blackhole,

      I'll take your above comment as a compliment. Its easier to be calm when writing, I wish I could say the same for myself when I'm not writing aswell, lol.

      Br Wael's suggestion of a name change for you is a good idea :O)

      SisterZ Editor

  12. Salaams Sabs,

    Can I just say, I don't think many people have an ability to take for granted with regards to praying and reciting Qur'an.We all have our own jihaad- struggle. Life is not plain sailing and there are times when one struggles to motivate oneself. Sometimes one can falter and it can take time to reach that stage of piety, if one is sincere, steadfast and blessed enough to get there. You may find you may start, stop, then restart. But never ever give up. We are all on trial here in this life. It takes continuous effort to reach such a stage.

    Allah tests those who have faith. So think of your hardships as something good to come. The advice has been given, as it all our duty to remind each other of our duties of worship to Allah. Salaat is ultimately the best remedy and with continous efforts and patience, you will feel a positive difference.

    I don't think anyone has judged you in their responses. At the end of the day you know yourself that your relationship is haraam and the advice has only reiterated that point, only to help you, not condemn you.

    So carry on with your journey towards Allah. Advise your boyfriend of the same, so that you may at least have the chance to be united in marriage, as that is what you long for. There are a vast array of media and resources available on Islam, be careful however, as some may not be authentic. Thus refer to Qur'an and authentic hadith. Islamic learning never ends and we all endeavour to continously learn.

    'Rabbi zidni ilma' meaning My Lord, increase me in knowledge'.



  13. Am I right in my belieft in Istikhara or is my dad right? i.e. that it's only meant for the religious few? The first time I did Istikhara, I got what I believe to be a strong positive result. However, the next time I did this, I did not physically have a dream. Instead, with each passing day, my feelings for him have grown stronger. Can I interpret this as an answer?
    Sorry but I'm very clueless regarding this. I know what I want but I keep asking myself whether I'm trying to force the hand of fate. How can we say with great conviction that two people are meant to be?
    In my heart of hearts I hope this is just a test and one that will eventually end. But where does it end? We keep giving ourselves deadlines by which time we say we will have gained resolution but each time this doesn't happen, we move the goalposts and the cycle starts over. At what point do you draw the line?
    I believe in fate and I know that my naseeb has already been defined and unless Allah wishes, no-one can change the outcome of my fate. However, at the same time, Allah says we must still pursue our desires and exert effort in trying to reach our goals, e.g. we are encourage to revise despite believing that we will obtain the results we are destined to get. At what point does one stop fighting?

    • Sabs,

      Istikhara is a prayer for every Muslim, we are recommended to do Istikhara when faced with any decision no matter how big or small, as long as the two options are halaal. Some say Istikhara is a dua for seeking Allah's guidance in a matter, some say it is a supplication asking Allah to put good into the choice we make.

      However there are conditions attached to it. One of those conditions is that we fulfil all obligatory acts and refrain from committing major sin; i.e. establishing our five daily Salaah. Furthermore that we use the wisdom Allah has given us to investigate the matter concerned and seek advice from good/pious people to help us make a calculated choice.


      It would be nice if your father encouraged you to do Istikhara but he is against you marrying this person for purely personal reasons, so his judgement and advice is clearly biased. Don't be put off doing Istikhara because of your father's negative attitude. You have every right to perform this prayer, it is between you and Allah. At the same time, ensure you are refraining from major sin and establishing your obligatory acts of worship. Don't underestimate yourself. Keep climbing and inshaAllah you will get there. The more your persevere, the clearer Allah's guidance will become to you.

      You said: 'Allah says we must still pursue our desires and exert effort in trying to reach our goals'. Sabs, the only desires Allah wants us to pursue are those which are good for our deen and hereafter. I gave you details of an Imam; try to go and see him if possible, I really believe it will help you inshaAllah. Lets see if this Imam can talk your father around inshaAllah.

      On your part, try to remain steadfast in the changes you have made. Remember, when we turn to Allah, we will also face challenges along the way.

      SisterZ Editor

  14. Is ur bf willing to keep waitin for u. Or does he not hav issues with the way ur family are being???And does this cause rifts between u or bring u closer and more determined??

  15. SisterZ - I will try and contact the Imaam but as I said in my email response to you, Leyton is several hundred miles from where I currently live so I'm not sure how the Imaam will make contact with my dad. My boyfriend and I will be quite happy to make the trip down to London, but without direct contact with my dad, I really can't see it working.
    Unfortunately, when I did Istikhara I probably prayed a maximum of 2 Salaahs a day which must mean the answer I got as a result of this probably wasn't right. Inshallah, I will try again as I am praying more in the holy month of Ramadhan. I have yet to reach the magic 5 Salaahs a day but I'm hoping 4 a day is better than 2...
    Aliyah - whilst my boyfriend does not understand my dad's problem and whilst this causes arguments between us, we are closer and more in love than this time last year. I suppose an experience like this will either make or break a relationship. Mashallah, it appears to have made mine stronger than ever before.

  16. Asalaamualaikum Sabs,

    I agree, it would be difficult unless an Imaam was able to make face to face contact with your dad. It'll probably be better to find someone local.

    I know you're trying hard with your Salaah Sis, don't feel that any of your prayers are going mis-heard, Allah hears all and can see all your efforts. With every step you are taking towards Allah, He(swt) will come nearer to you. I thought the below Hadith Qudsi many be encouraging for you inshaAllah:

    "On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.'" (Bukhari and Muslim)


    SisterZ Editor

    • Thanks for this. There are many times when I am so tempted to give up as I have not directly seen the result of my praying, or am tempted to skip a Salah for the very reason above, but I'm an athlete and therefore self-discipline is something that comes naturally. Inshallah, I will continue to strive for Allah's happiness in the hope that He will take mercy on me.


  17. I think your situation is a delicate one- the reason being is that - you waited for about 8 years to finally confess to your parents that your dating someone- that is a mistake many young women make these days and they end up losing their entire relationship.. a few years ago- i was in the same situation- i was only 19, and had dated a Goan guy for one year- finally i had the guts to approach my parents and tell them-i'm seeing someone- all hell broke loose- i had to end the relationship because i was forced to choose between a univerisity education or the man--- what you should do is -keep praying, try and live a pure life, try and set your father and your boyfriend up on a one to one session- with his parents if possible, and while its going on- pray while your at it, if possible, it would also be good to invite an imam to be present during the "session" with your parents- maybe your father will change- if not, just keep praying- one day things will turn out for the better, but as much as possible try to live a pure life- its never too late.

    • Firstly, I am sorry that you had to give up someone you loved but as harsh as this may sound, giving him up impies to me that you were never meant to be in the first place. Going into this, I knew the fight with my dad would either make us or break us and mashallah, it has bought us closer together. I will only give him up for Allah and no-one else. Especially as the only reason we are being kept apart is becuse his parents are from a different place in India to my dad. This makes no difference to us as we are both British and therefore choose not to get involved with such neandethal politics.
      I have been trying to get them to meet but my dad refuses any contact with him or his family. Unfortunately, I do not have access to an Imaam and so have no way of approaching one to mediate a meeting between my dad and my boyfriend.
      Lastly, thank you very much for your advice. I realise that prayer is my key. If I keep trying, one day I'll open the door to my happy-ever-after.

  18. dear sister I want to tell u keep fighting because I am in the same situation I am algerian and my father refuses to marry me to my beloved he sais that he is arab and I am berber so we are not from the same region I am suffering since 2006

  19. I tried all solution but he always says NO. i cant live without my love please help me

    • Salaam SisterK. I'm afraid I can't offer you a quick fix solution because there is none. Just keep praying and hold steadfast to the belief that whatever happens happens for the best. At the start, when I prayed for things to work out, I didn't pray for a life with my boyfriend but rather, I prayed for the best thing to happen. If this meant that my boyfriend wasn't the best for me, I was mentally prepared to accept that because what do I know? Thankfully for me, with time, my feelings for my boyfriend grew and I took this as a sign from God to mean that he and I were meant to be.
      Hang in there, inshallah, one day you will get what you want with your fathers approval but you may have to consider doing this without his approval and hope he comes around later.
      Sorry to be of very little help.






  21. Life is hard,but the love is ture.We all belive that you will have a good future.

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