Did he leave me because he couldnt stand up to his ex-wife?
The Prophet (sws) said: “This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this word is a righteous woman.” (Muslim)
I am 43 years old divorced muslim from the subcontinent (after arranged marriage at 25 which was horrible because my in-laws were control freaks and my husband never had the guts to develop a relationship with me which did not include them). I left him finally after 4 years.
10 years later, I found a man on line and fell in love for the 1st time at 39. He was 3 years older and had 2 girls aged 5 and 7 years old. He was a sikh and he had also been thru an arranged marriage and there was never any affection/love and she finally had walked out on him after 11 years of marriage. This was the 1st he also had fallen in love. I was living in Milwaukee, WI and he was in Los Angeles, CA.
We long distance dated and he told me he would do anything to marry me. He even brought his mom who was visiting from India TWICE to meet me all the way across the country! He also came to meet my parents when they were visiting the US. He introduced me to his favorite uncle who lives in CA and his favorite cousin who was also visiting from India.
When it was 2 years into the relationship he started backing off. It was hard because there was no body language and I could not just meet him because I lived 1/2 way across the country. He stopped emails and web camming. I was looking for jobs to be near him as he had asked me to look and was planning on not renewing my contract at my then place of work. I was devastated at his flakiness when he was dying to marry me. Turned out, the ex-wife was uncomfortable with me being a muslim and since his mom and I had developed a friendship, she told me over the phone from India when I called her,that the ex-wife was feeling threatened and jealous and had been asking him to take her back and he was refusing!
She was concerened whey her son was so passive. SO I flew out to see him one last time - when he met me and I told him I was not there to get any answers or fight, but just to see him as a friend and to see if he was OK, he started crying and took me to choose an engagement ring the next day. After that the ex turned the 2 girls who were now 7 and 9 years old and who liked me, totally against me and my religion - I did not hold that against them, because it was very clear that their pure little minds were being manipulated - the 9 yr old told me that mom says bad things about you and we defend you by telling her that you have not even met her so why do you say bad things - however, in any case, kids always will gravitate towards their mom and that is what happened. She convinced them that only mom can come back into that house and no other woman.
He told me that she had threatened to take away the kids from him - he is a very loving and devoted father - and she knew that the kids would be very happy with us and she could not tolerate that...even though I told him if she feared that I would interfere with the kids in any way, I would not - I would just be like an aunt and was not replacing her - afterall, SHE was the one to walk away and now regret it and his ego had been hugely bruised.
He told me and his mom told me that he wished he had met me 20 years ago and that I was the best thing to have happened to him. His entire family knew how much he loved me - he even shared emails from his cousins in the UK who he had sent a picture of me after we got engaged, that they said I looked a wonderful and warm person and they could see from it why he had fallen for me.
Long story short, a few weeks after we got engaged, he stopped communication and then sent an email to breakup in April 2010. I was devastated. I had to scramble to find a new job and had recently undergone surgery after I was in a car accident (for which he had come and taken me back with him to recuperate - when I saw emails from her begging him not to marry me - her suggestions being that I was from a conservative muslim country - by the way, all three of us i,e me, him and his ex are all in the US since 1992 and we are all practising physicians and I was dating the guy - how is that conservative???) and he should marry a white christian or jewish girl!).
I emailed him in response and just said that I understood that he had a lot on his plate and I would still like to remain friends - he never responded. I called him in July and he was very emotional and would not leave me for almost 3 hours! When I called him in Sep 2010, a year ago, he spoke for only 30 mins and said he was trying to move on and was not emotional at all. I sent him cards wishing him good luck for his exams in Nov 2010 and New years 2011 cards, which he opened (bec I got messages that they were opened within a couple of hours of sending) and he did not respond. I called his mom for new years 2011, and she told me that she had asked him to re-consider getting back together with me and he had told her that he had sacrificed his happiness for his kids and the kids will not tolerate any other woman other than their mom in the house. I kept quiet but was happy that the mom was still on my side and wanted her son to be happy with me.
I sent him an ecard for his birthday in mar this year and he finally responded back with thanks. Then in May, he texted me - his 1st initiation, wishing me happy birthday. I sent him an ecard in July for Fathers Day with out any emotions, just wishing him to have a wonderful weekend with the girls and he responded hoping that I was doing OK. I responded back that I was and it would be nice to talk sometime, as a friend, no strings attached, but he has not taken up the offer since that communication in July. It is now a year since we spoke and there is not day that goes by or a night that goes by when I do not shed a tear or think about him - I am better than before (I would cry my eyes out all night long).
What do you think - will he come back some day when the girls are older? His mom also said that we don't know what God has written in our future (and he had told me in July last year that his girls dont know we dont talk any more and he had not removed me as a friend from Facebook till Dec, when I deactivated my account as I would have died had he removed me from his friends list).
He was willing to learn about Islam and was the only man ever to tell me he would take me for hajj...every step I took in this relationship was after doing istikhara prayers and dua...I pray to God everyday to give him the strength to stand up against en ex wife (she was ex for many reasons!! She was dominating and even physically hit him a few times and fractured his pinky finger). They have been apart/divorced for 5 years now.
Will he always remain single? Will he find some other woman? Will he ever seek me out, knowing that I truly loved him?
~ Suhais
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Although ma am I'm not against anyone happiness or life .
But still ur muslim and he is a sikh , well Im hesitating to comment coz ur much mature . And me
I'm almost half ur age so I don't feel in a position to comment anything
Only thing I wanna address ova here that ,
U a muslim and he is a sikh , although u said that he is willing to learn islam and also wanna take u to haj ,
Well if that happens it very good ma am
Salaam dear sister Suhais,
Please forget about him, not because he is gone and not with you but because he was not MUSLIM!
Please sister, get back to your deen and repent to Allah (swt). Focus on your Islam and not him. Why do you want problem in this life and as well in your hereafter! Please don't ruin your hereafter for the sake of this worldly desire. If anything, look for a MUSLIM man! There are good muslims out there. You just need to be patient and involve yourslef with muslim community. Please have a halal relationship.
Please don't underestimate Allah (swt) message!!! Realise your error!!! Please look after yourself!!!
parveen
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plus sister Suhais, becoming a muslim is not an easy task. It can take yearsssssss for one to truely accept or reject Islam. Saying is one thing and actually sincerely accepting and practising Islam is another. Please once again break ALL your contacts with this non-muslim. And protect your soul from shaitan's whisper by turning back to Allah!!!
takecare sis.
parveen
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Assalaam walekum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister Suhais,
Alhumdulillaha as you seem to be an educated and rational woman.
Sister with regards to Istikhara , well I have no doubt it works perfectly well. Let me tell you one incident in my life : I had done Istikhara for my sister's wedding to a muslim man who was already married but was leaving separate with his first wife.This proposal had come for my sister who was 31 then,so you could understand how important that would be for us back then.I did Istikhara, and had a feeling to proceed with the proposal as there would be no harm to my family if we try. We started the process and it reached till engagement.Then this guy was finding trouble in keeping up with the process and we also came to know from sources close to Him that he was actually not so good guy( May Allah have mercy upon him and us).Because of his bad deeds only his wife was staying away at her mother's place.So we pulled out and never contacted him.Neither did he.
Point here to be noted was that Istikhara helps a momin as in that we Ask Allah rabbil Izzat's help for cementing a marriage between man and woman, if it is good for them, the two families and muslim society overall in terms of rewards in this world and hereafter. And we also ask Allah rabbil Izzat's help for keeping us at distance if He the almighty thinks its not good for anyone of the parties involved in duwa.And we end the duwa asking Him to take out the feeling of sadness from our heart if the matter is to disposed off by The Almighty and Exalted is HE. This goes very well with His Quranic saying -
What you think is good for you now, may not be good for you in after.
While what seems to bad for you now, may be good for you in after.
It appears to me ( May Allah have mercy on me for if I am wrong) your istikhara was successfull , and you are protected By Almighty as you tried to accomplish this task.And the delay and hurdles in the process
are to be taken as signs from Almighty that Its not in good favour of one or more of the parties involved in this to be marriage.So After Istikhara its left with the person to accept or decline the reply of Almighty ( May Allah have mercy upon you and us if ever we do something which in HIS view is not good for us).
Marriage in Islam is not only limited to this world it continues in Here after also, with our spouses remaining with us after being through with our accounts of deeds on judgement day.Its believed through prophetic traditions that a muslim will be with his wife in heaven .In this case he should be her first husband.So if I get married to a non muslim , divorced girl I hold no chance of seeing her In hereafter if she dies without accepting Imaan.Is not when we fall in love, we think it should be for forever.And sister, for any Muslim that forever should be in hereafter.So presently thats were your love as muslimah stands and his love as sikh stands.May Allah The most beneficient grant you power to think in terms of hereafter.
Let me end this with something from the sayings of our Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam;
1. The one who migrates for Allah will get closeness to Allah, and the one who migrates for woman will get the woman.
2. A man who had accepted Islam once asked Allah's Rasool Sallallahu AlaIhi wa sallam about his good deeds he had done before accepting Islam.To that our Beloved Prophet sallallahu Alaihi wa sallam replied: "It is in the return of those good deeds you have been rewarded by Islam "
3.Every child is born as a believer in one Allah, it is the parents who make them either christian, jew, or muslim later.
4.For those children of non- believers , who die at young age( before7), Allah knows better what they would have transformed if they had worldy life, and He the Almighty judges them accordingly.
May Allah The Most High, and Most forgiving have mercy upon me for telling intentionally or unintentionally something which is not from HIM or His beloved Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi wa sallam.And May he forgive us All.Aameen.
Allah Hafiz wa Nasir.
I
dear suhais,
so sorry my dear sister to hear your heartache. so wrong of him what he has done to you. when we love someone we just keep forgiving them for their wrongs , which is good if you are in a relationaship ie marraige but outside it ,it just means we are trying to cover or ignore our loved ones faults and keep digging a bigger hole for ourself.
i dont blame you for falling for this man, or still thinking of him. its only but natural. you loved him , its not easy to let go, specially that he is not married or with someone else . i really feel for you my sis.
you need to give yourself a time limit for mourning over this. for instance you will only wait further 2 months or at the end of this year. then you will move on. its very hard but it will help you have closure to it. he has just left you stranded in the middle of no where. he is still enjoying the fact that you love him , but not taking any responsibility himself .
you need to teach yourself that he is not considering to marry you , and, you should try your best to remove this source of pain from your life. if you look at it objectively then what has this man given you so far........ pain , wait, hearrtache. you must have given you some love as well but so have you.
good you closed facebook. try not keeping in touch with him. say by next year no more contact with him. or when the month of moharram starts you will start closure to this matter. if he hasnt approache you yet , he will not. if a man really wants a woman , he makes sure she is hers! nothing less , nothing more! its a fact , you must have seen all around you.
its is difficult , but you will reach a stage when he is not the first thing you are thinking of when waking up , and not the last thing when going to bed. make conscious effort of not recalling the good times. say some prayers when such thoughts come. keep yourself occupied with some form of zikar. like darood or kalima , it will give strength to survive through that emotion and pain.
stop praying to Allah that he may melt his heart for you , instead pray that Allah iam in pain give me strength to overcome this pain. say to allah if youhave not written him in my fate then show me also that it is not good for me so that i find peace in my heart.
keep talking to allah not about how much you want him but to take this pain away from you.
lookafter yourself.
i will make dua for you too.
friend.