I feel my heart is black, that I am close to apostasy
Assalamu Alaykum,
I don't know where to begin, but I am in desparate need of help and guidance. I have become depressed, lazy, hopeless and cold. I stopped playing any sports. I stopped doing my schoolwork. I am rude to my parents and siblings. I stopped praying a long time ago- only posing when I go with my family to the masjid. I am ill and weak and spend most of my time in bed. I don't want to say this but I feel in my heart that I hate hearing Qur'an or reading it. I am so forgone I will be searching for a hadith and then commit sins straight after. I feel my heart is black and that I am a munafiq or a kafir because I don't seem to care about Islam anymore. If it weren't for my parents, I'd do far worse things.
Why do I not feel anymore? I used to be saddened by the suffering of the Ummah, but now I don't genuinely care. I don't want to die like this, in this horrible state. I feel I am so horrible that that my repentance will not be accepted. I have attempted to repent, butbit feels superficial and forced and I return to the sin straight after.
What shall I do? I don't do anything that Islam enjoins and I continue to sin endlessly without remorse. I used to make dua safe in the knowledge that Allah will not reject it, but now I don't make any dua. I am very close to complete apostacy, it is just that something stops me from leaving Islam, even in secret. I fear committing sin if I do not marry soon, yet I dint know where to find a pious sister who will help me with my religion and my parents will be against marrying so early. I also suffer extreme social anxiety and do not go to sports clubs or any other beneficial activities out of fear of being bullied or rejected.
I hate my life and living here. I wish to move abroad after university. I beg you please make dua for me that I attain the following:
That I return to Allah and his religion and repent sincerely
That Allah grants me relief from my illnesses and grants me a pious wife
That I attend the university I really want to go to
That my business venture suceeds and that I am able to spend generously in his cause with my wealth and everything I value.
I don't know who the trustworthy ulema are anymore, many I see argue over aqeedah and call each other as heretics and now I don't know which ulema to trust.
What actions will stop me from having an iman that is so weak and stop acting like a munafiq?
I don't want to feel empty and at war with myself anymore.
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........ but I am in desparate need of help and guidance. I have become depressed, lazy, hopeless and cold. I stopped playing any sports. I stopped doing my schoolwork. I am rude to my parents and siblings
Looks like you suffered a major extended period of stress. You need to get some counselling. If you are going to be fearful 24/7 nothing is going to change. It may seem like you can't change. You don't have to be fearful. Learning to relax and looking at your problems in a different way can change to your old ways.
assalamalaikum-
YOUR FEELING IS BOOSTED BY SATAN BECASUE HE WANTS YOU TO JOIN HIS ARMY FOR WHICH HE CHALLENGED ALLAH AND TRYING HIS BEST TO ENROLL YOU BUT DONT WORRY ALLAH HAS GIVEN WEAPONS TO BELIEVERS DAY AND NIGHT DO THIS YOU WILL COME OUT TRIUMPHANT-INSHALLAH-
The Power of Istighfar – Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness of Allah)Astaghfirullah
People often forget the importance of the simple yet powerful dua (supplication) – Istighfar i.e., saying “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah). Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to recite this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.
Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.
Astaghfirullah also helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].
EXTREME DUA AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS
The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu `alaihi wa sallam, said:
“The master of invocations for forgiveness is that the servant says:‘Allãhumma ‘anta rabbee, lã ‘ilãha ‘illã ‘anta, khalaqtanee, wa ‘anã `abduka, wa ‘anã `alã `ahdika wa wa`dika mastata`tu, ‘a`outhu bika min sharri ma sana`tu, ‘aboo’u laka bini`matika ‘alayya, wa ‘aboo’u bithambee, faghfirlee fa’innahu lã yaghfiru ‘aththunooba ‘illã ‘anta.
O’ my ‘ilãh You are my Lord, there is no ‘ilãh but You. You created me, and I am your bondservant, and I will stick to my covenant and promise [of faith and sincere obedience] to You, as to my ability. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done, I acknowledge, to You, your bounties upon me, and I acknowledge, to You, my sin. Thus forgive me, for none forgives sins except You.
Whoever says this as he enters upon evening, then, dies that night, he would enter Paradise; and if one says this as he enters upon morning, then, dies that day, he would enter Paradise”. [Al-Bukhari]
The servant is always in the blessings of Allah which necessitate thankfulness, and in sinfulness which requires seeking forgiveness.
Both of these matters are required and essential for the servant at all times, as the servant does not cease to alternate between Allaah’s (various) favors and blessings, and does not cease to be in need of repentance and seeking forgiveness.
assalamalaikum my brother,
Please follow my advice here, and please see what an amazing change you will feel.
There is a series on Youtube on Sheykh Battawi, who washes dead bodies in Saudi Arabia, His videos are a sincere account and description of the dead people he has washed, and the changes that he has seen on their bodies. After seeing the most blessed or terrifying signs on a dead body, he asks to the family how did that person use to live. You will see what believing in ALLAH SWT or not believing (following) in him can show on a person's deathbed.
Seeing terrifying signs doesn't mean that the person will burn in hell, or seeing good signs doesn't mean that a person will be in Paradise. Only HIM SWT knows.
We have to fight our nafs, which is sadly so influenced and oriented with Satan.
Be willing to get out of that state of "ungratefulness" (forgive me, it is not personal as I consider myself 10,000 times guiltier of this than you). Death can knock at any second of the day, and all you will want to do is come back on Earth to do good deeds. Wake up before you are forced to wake up by death.
Wallahi, all this advice is foremost for my self.
Check Sheykh Battawi's videos. I was drowning in a haze of complains, depression, ungratefulness, and they did shake me to the core. I have no doubt they will wake you up.
You can start with this link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hw610a8R4dY
Please watch this, and all the videos on the same topic
May ALLAH assist all of us
Assalam alaikum Brother,
It was indeed sad to read your post and I can feel the distress in your words. At the very sad time, it is a blessing that you realize that what you are going through is wrong and despite the fact that you feel nothing, you still feel that this nothingness is severely detrimental to your Aakhirat.
We all have different ways to cope with stress and challenges in life and for some one thing will work and for others the very same thing will not. I can suggest a few things that come to mind that I have either seen or experienced:
1. Volunteer in a hospital or a place where the elderly live.
2. If you can't bear to hear the Quran, search specifically translation for the description of Jannah and Jahannum so that may strike both fear and motivation in your heart, reminding you of your purpose here once again.
3. At the very least, repeat Allah's name in your heart and beg Him for guidance.
I pray that Allah guides you. I pray that you find peace and harmony back in Islam once again. I pray that you feel the pain of the rest of the Ummah and strive once more to help those who are in need and are waiting.
May Allah bless you with a beautiful and pious wife. Ameen, thummah Ameen.
A..Z
الله
Like Cyrus McGoldrick says in his conversation with the Halal Monk: "When I started learning more about Islam, the first thing my teacher told me to read wasn’t just the Quran, but a biography of the prophet. And he was right to do that, because first we have to trust the sources. While learning more about his life I came to realize why it’s obvious that the revelation indeed came to him. He’s the model of how to live according to the revelation. That’s why my teacher also said that someone who’s losing faith should read the biography of the prophet and not necessarily the Quran. The Quran should be approached with the proper mindset and respect. If I don’t get something out of it, it’s my problem, not the problem of the book."
Aoa,
brother u r not the only one going through this situation,there are many others.But the good thing is that u have guilt.u know the difference between right and wrong.u want to come back to ALLAH.
Now, what u must do is:
1_Istagfar
2_Dua:ask ALLAH to help you,beg HIM to not abandon you.
3_get a good company, leave the bad company.
4_offer sallah.
5_search good scholars on net and listen to Islamic lectures.
6_share ur problume with your family(mother/father/sister/brother/friend etc)
7_read about other peoples problems and u will realise ur not the only one in pain and distress.
8_try to help others so, ALLAH will help u.
9_take small steps towards ALLAH,if u fall or fail,try again ,and again and again and again until u die.
10_do not let ALLAH turn away frm u.YES HE is ur creater how can HE not forgive u.HE LOVES U.dont u see HE has not abandoned u.PROOF:u sill wnt to restore ur relationship with ALLAH.
MAY ALLAH have mercy on us all.MAY HE GUIDE US to the right path.LAILA HA ILLAH MUHAMMAD DUR RASUL ALLAH.
Dr. Haitham Al-Haddad is a nice scholar.
Molana Aslam Shehu puri is a nice scholar.
http://www.darsequran.com
http://www.farhathashmi.com
Molana Taric Jameel Sahab
Pir Zulfiqar Naqshdandi
Mulana Adnam kakahail
These are all nice scholars
Just start with doing salaat again, and then the rest of your problems will be fixable. Keep on saying astaqfirullah, you were doing right with that.
AsSalaamu Alaikum brother,
Sometimes we feel the sweetness of Ibadah and sometimes we don't feel anything- even the Sahabah (r.a) went through this state.
However, in addition to all the good advice above I'd say that, if previously you used to feel more closer to Allah by a certain type of ibadah (like night prayers, fasting in the day etc), then you should put much efforts in that particular ibadah- it will save you gradually inshaAllah. Do not forget to pray your regular salahs as well, even if you do not feel the sweetness of salahs anymore.
Doing zikr alot and reading the Holy Quran, in addition to reading hadiths about death and agony are activities that can make you return to Allah with ease. Do not forget your morning and evening du'as as well.
Also, I'd say you should repent and say Istighfar constantly even if you don't feel it, it will make the efforts of Shaitaan weak gradually, and then make you return to Allah eventually.
You may want to see the following hadith, which may be useful inshaAllah.
Hanzala Usayyidi, who was amongst the scribes of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). reported:
I met Abu Bakr. He said: Who are you? He (Hanzala) said: Hanzala has turned to be a hypocrite. He (Abu Bakr) said: Hallowed be Allah, what are you saying? Thereupon he said: I say that when we are in the company of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) we ponder over Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our very eyes and when we are away from Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) we attend to our wives, our children, our business; most of these things (pertaining to After-life) slip out of our minds. Abu Bakr said: By Allah, I also experience the same. So I and Abu Bakr went to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said to him: Allah's Messenger, Hanzala has turned to be a hypocrite. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: What has happened to you? I said: Allah's Messenger, when we are in your company, we are reminded of Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our own eyes, but whenever we go away from you and attend to our wives, children and business, much of these things go out of our minds. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if your state of mind remains the same as it is in my presence and you are always busy in remembrance (of Allah), the Angels will shake hands with you in your beds and in your paths but, Hanzala, time should be devoted (to the worldly affairs) and time (should be devoted to prayer and meditation). He (the Holy Prophet) said this thrice. (Muslim)
Hope this helps inshaAllah, and may Allah (swt) make you and us all among His righteous and sincere servants. Ameen!
You may also want to go out with the Jama'at Tabligh for 3 or 7 days. I believe by the time you return home, the level of your iman will increase, and you will feel more closer to Allah inshaAllah. After one journey with them, it may make you feel like to go for more days with them. Some even go for 40 days or 3-4 months and more. They stay in the masjid, and do dawah to each other and to the people around the masjid, plus day and night activities that help the heart to increase in Iman. Hope you try it, inshaAllah.
I'd also advise you to listen to the some surahs by the below reciters for a while, for softening your heart, and for reminding your soul about its purposes in life.
Surah Qaf by Sheikh Ahmed al-Ajmy (I personally love to listen to this surah by this reciter, especially from the Ayah 16 -We created the human being, and We know what his soul whispers to him. We are nearer to him than his jugular vein- till the end of the Surah, it sotens my heart and revives my iman)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0qBerh0Aso
Surah An-Noor by Shiekh Idris Abkar. I love to listen to the whole surah, especially from the Ayah 35 -Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth..- to 38, it reminds me of the importance of Masjid and the rewards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PZ4EmsZums
I also love Surah Al-Inshiqaq by Shiekh Salah Al-Budair, especially from the ayah 6, where Allah (swt) says "O man! You are laboring towards your Lord, and you will meet Him."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQihkvRzLQQ
See the English translation here, http://clearquran.com/quran-chapter-084.html
You may also want to watch this beautiful tafseer of Surah Al-Infitaar by Shiekh Khalid Fikri. SubhanAllah, you really need to watch it yourself. I was softened by the complete tafseer, especially from the Ayah 6, where Allah (swt) asks, "O man! What deluded you concerning your Lord, the Most Generous?" He even mentioned something about not being able to feel anything for Allah or the Holy Quran and he recited the Ayah 14 in Surah al-Mutaffifin, " Not at all. Their hearts have become corroded by what they used to earn."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxRDJUNRLoM
You may read this Islamic poem too (Save your soul), by Cabdisaabir Yuusuf.
http://www.islamicpoem.com/?q=node/7391
"If you want to survive, you can survive.
If you want to save your soul, you can save it.
He was so proud even he tried to die for his religion
But he never did what it takes to reach the orchid.
He was outflanking his soul, but he never felt that
He was disappointed, like tatters he was cracked.
His soul was taunting him, every time he try to relax.
If you want to survive, you can survive.
If you want to save your soul, you can save it.
He was grieving all the time, thinking about it.
Every time he was being greeted, he repeated it gruff reply.
Without grouse he was sitting on the yard.
Over and over again he hated his grisly times.
Even he had a grudge to his self, but he never tried to return.
His stubbornness was the inconvenient.
If you want to survive, you can survive.
If you want to save your soul, you can save it.
He never tried to obliterate his sins and that is why he has no confidence to his self.
While he was in that condition, he tasted the death and visited the graveyard.
When the ooze hold his back, he never thought about it and his pomposity was the reason why.
If you want to survive, you can survive.
If you want to save your soul, you can save it."
Hope this helps, inshaAllah.