Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Interference in marriage, causing unhappiness

Salam,

I've been married for less than 3 years and alhamdullilah, I've been happy with my marriage/relationship with my husband. He dotes on me and fulfils his responsibilities as a husband.

However, as with all marriages, there would surely be a test/tribulation sent by Allah. And my test here, comes from my parents & family.

We both come from very different backgrounds & upbringing. He comes from a small & quiet family, with really chilled parents and a sibling whom he doesn't interact much with. He's not as close to his family as I am. Despite that, he still takes care of his parents and fulfils his responsibilities as a son.

As for me, I come from a slightly bigger but very close-knitted family. We have gatherings almost once a week. I have fairly strict parents with certain expectations of their children and their husband/wives. Fortunately for my siblings, their partners somehow blend in well with my family's tradition (possibly because of their personalities and family upbringing) but not the case for my husband.

Everything was fine for the first couple of months but things got bad when my parents feel that my husband was not meeting up to their expectations in terms of attending weekly gatherings, not interacting much with other siblings/relatives etc. My husband is generally a quiet person but he has never been rude to my parents. In fact when my parents mentions his mistakes, he just keeps quiet and smiles. At almost every gathering, they would have something to say to him, or would keep a close eye on his actions.

Things got out of control when my sister and brother-in-law interfered in this because of the pressure they faced from my parents to "advise" him. Both of them had separate "talks" with him on how he should behave, what he should do as a husband etc., why he needs to be around more often. While my husband is a quiet person, he also has low tolerance of such things, and this affected him so badly because ever since he got married to me, he feels that my family has nothing good to say about him other than all the negative feedback. I do have to agree, and have tried talking to my family about him but they feel like I'm just siding him and refusing to understand the sensitivities of my ageing parents. I've even explained to them that he comes from a different background and we cannot expect him to change within less than a year, but they said he has to adapt since being married to me means being married to the family as well.

Ever since the "advise" which somewhat turned confrontational from my sister and brother-in-law, my husband decided to stop visiting my parents place entirely for many months (because he knows my parents are critical of him too). This made things worse, and now everyone in the family has a bad perception of him. I've tried coaxing him to visit my parents, and ignore my siblings, which he did during Eid, but again, my mom went on an "advising rant" on Eid, in front of his mother and also included negative feedback which made him unhappy again. He feels like they will never see him as a good husband or son-in-law. Because of that, my husband is now really mad at this whole situation (which he said is the cause of his misery).

Weeks after the last visit at Eid, my husband soften down and told me that he's willing to still visit my parents out of respect. However, unfortunately, due to my father's impatience, he called my husband one day and sarcastically asked why he hasn't visited again since Eid. This made my husband mad of cos and hung up the phone on him.

My father has once said that he'd rather see me being divorced and single just because of all this and that really hurt me. I know he has issues letting me go but this whole thing is just out of control.

I'm so torn as to what to do now, I've been praying tahajjud and hajat to seek His guidance. I know I shouldn't feel hopeless, but my family, especially my siblings are blaming me for not advising my husband, when I already did, but there's only so much I can do.

Thankfully he still allows me to visit my parents whenever I want to, though things may feel awkward and bad when they start questioning me where he is etc. As much as I want my husband to visit and reconcile with my family again, I'm afraid that they would go on an "advise rant" and would drive him away again. I've tried to talk to my family but of cos, my parents never see themselves on the "wrong" side.

I would appreciate any sound advice as I'm feeling really helpless at the moment stuck between both parties. I've spoken to a local scholar about this generally and she mentioned that no matter what, if there is no physical abuse involved (which there isn't any), no one can interfere in anyone's marriages, or expect people to change according to their expectations.

kayla

 

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8 Responses »

  1. Why is your husband doing all of the reacting to your family's behaviour? Where are YOU in all of this? They are YOUR family, right? So why aren't YOU saying something to them?

    You should never had allowed your family to attack your husband the way that they have done - and the whole thing with your sister and brother-in-law having a "talk" with your husband? What the Hell? Close-knit family or not, there is something called boundaries. And your family has crossed them a long time ago. It's really unfair of your family to demand of new family members / spouses to follow their way. Everyone comes from a different place, and no one should have to force themselves into behaving in a way that doesn't come naturally to them.

    In all honesty, most people would think it's too much to visit in-laws every week. But if you're going to make the idea of doing that attractive, you at least need to stop harassing people into making visits.

    The way I see it, you need to talk to your family and let them know the following:
    1) To stop stirring up problems in your marriage
    2) To stop pressuring you and your husband into visiting you
    3) Explain to them that your husband is different to you all and needs more time to get used to the way you do things.

  2. I totally agree with lindita.. They have got you married and you are happy with him why your parents are forcing your husband to be the way they live life.... Sister may allah bless you nd your family and try not to meet them much as u can contct them on phon

  3. What kind of parents and brother sister are these?
    Its absolutely wrong to demand change of behavior from your husband .Your husband seems to be a nice person who has tolerated so much with patience and its rare to find such men .

    I advise you to ignore your parents and siblings with respect to this topic and have a good life with your husband .
    There is no need to obey your parents in this particular case as they are doing anti islamic act of attempt to break the marriage for silly reasons .

    Have a good life with your husband sister and ignore these fools .

  4. Visitation every week is too excessive. After a hard week of work, people want to relax and give time to themselves. This kind of demand from your parents and siblings are outrageous. They are taunting him to think he is a weird person. They are bullying him. Maybe you ought to have a big meeting with parents and the two of you. Your husband seems to be like a nice tolerable gentleman. He doesn't prevent you from visiting your parents. You don't want things to get worser, then your husband may not want you.

  5. As Salam O Alaikum

    The way your parents have been treating your husband is actually the way how the guys family treats his wife. Where as in your case its the other way round. Sounds obnoxious no doubt. If your family is so abrupt dont they know that once a daughter is married, practically she becomes of the other family and remains there own just for the name sake although no doubt she still remains a daughter, but her husband and his family has more right over her than her own parents.

    Your parents might be getting old everyone does one fine day.. Rather than praying immensely to ALLAH (swt) how exactly are they wasting there time in all these weekly social gatherings and Ghibat, keeping names to your husband and things like that. Doesnt suits there age.

    You must explain them politely so that they get a hint and stop interfering in your life with your husband. And it must stop as soon as possible else it might lead to some crucial situation.

    All the Very Best !!

  6. At least ur married and have a decent husband.
    Some of the posts here are really surprising. These issues aren’t that big, it’s ppl that are ungrateful...

  7. You have no idea what others go through to be making such a huge deal out of this. And as for your family, their so ridiculous. Their not even grateful for the fact that you’re happily married and instead stirring up issues that should NOT even be made a big deal. Smh. You should fear God, being ungrateful about something like this is so wrong. There are so many unmarried girls out there who would just be happy to be married and here you are complaining. Smh

  8. Salaam,

    I agree with other posters that requiring your husband to visit your family weekly is excessive. he should only visit if he wants to and feels comfortable doing so, ex: monthly or on holidays. If you feel that you should visit your family weekly then you should do so alone or with your children.

    It seems to me that you are putting yourself in the middle of your family and your husband, and I feel that your loyalty now lies with your Husband. He should be your first priority, if you want to remain married. How can you expect someone who has worked all week to be forced into visiting his spouses family so frequently? Don't you think that he may have interests/hobbies that he may enjoy doing? Doesn't he have the right to live his life the way he wants to and enjoy his free time? After all he married you he didn't marry your family.

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