Is divorce the way out of my unhappy marriage?
asalaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
I am really really upset and need help. please help me to the best of your ability. I am A muslim girl aged 21. I had my Nikah to my cousin (dad's brother's son) nearly 2 years ago. He lives with me and my family (parents and siblings) but we are not in the same room because we are waiting for the ceremony after my studies.
Before the Nikah he was a very friendly person and was never rude or disrespectful towards me therefore as soon as the Nikah was done, we had intercourse. I thought that it will make him nicer towards me (which I feel was a mistake). Firstly Alhamdullillah I wear the hijab through my own choice. I do my best to pray my Salah. I try being the best muslim possible.
Nobody can joke with him because of his reactions; you never know what will make him angry. He became a type of person who wants only what he says, if anybody else says anything then he will literally get angry.
When he's in a good mood, he's really kind, but when he's in a bad mood; he's the worst person ever. I became so fed up that I fell ill and did not recover for a month. He apologized yet his behavior still continued. I didnt share any of our arguments with my parents because I didnt want to worsen the situation.
A time came that I became so fed up that I told both my mum and dad. My husband did not feel like he has done anything against me. I am not a perfect human being myself but he has done so much wrong towards me yet blames me for it. After I told my parents, he stopped speaking ill against them thanks to Allah. I am however fed up of all the random arguments and the mood swings he has nearly all the time and for no real reason.
I do have my moments but they are only occasional but I do my best to try not upset him. I am just fed up all these arguments and his rude behaviour. we will be in a good mood one minute and the next the whole thing will change and an argument will begin. He does say he loves me but his behaviour shows hatred towards me, my mum and my siblings. He will literally pick at anything.
He is so unappreciative of all the effort my parents put in him. They have given him a place to stay; feed him; wash and iron his clothes even buy him things they buy for there own kids yet he will just continue his moody behaviour. He speaks as if he is providing for us all. His parents also keep begging to get us fully married (e.g. shadi, waleema etc).
I do not want to marry him anymore. I am just so fed up; I am waiting for a moment for us to separate and for me to rebuild and start a new life. I am only young yet I am suffering. I dont want to live with him anymore. I dont want to upset my dad who has never really supported me or my siblings yet I have never done anything that would upset him.
I am thinking of divorce as soon as something seriously bad happens because I am suffering everyday and dont want to suffer anymore. I dont have any love or for my husband anymore because of his change in behaviour and attitude problem. I do still listen to him whenever he wants intercourse because I dont want him to rely on other ways for pleasure.
He doesnt have any bad habits (e.g. drinking, smoking, clubbing) but he is not the nicest personality at all. He will only be nice when he has a meaning/ wants to be. I dont want to hurt my dads feelings but I dont want to suffer for the rest of my life because of his extremely rude personality.
Please can you help me and tell me what to do about this unhappy marriage? I am hoping that if he does not get any better then I will ask for a divorce. Will divorce be acceptable in Islam because of his rude and arrogant argumentative personality (and emotional abuse) which I am enduring at this moment?
Please Help me ASAP!
~ maryam68
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ASSALAMALAIKUM-
PLS CLARIFY-
1]as the Nikah was done, we had intercourse.
2]His parents also keep begging to get us fully married (e.g. shadi, waleema etc).
SO THAT WE KNOW WHAT TYPE OF ARRANGEMENT IS THIS-
REGARDS
ALI
Salam sister maryam,
First i would advise you to speak to everyone about your problem. I mean your inlaws, your hubby, and your parents/siblings, other relatives.
May be there can be some misunderstanding. May be some one told something about you to your hubby and this is bothering him resulting in his mood swinging. Whenever he remembers that thing he gets upset and gets angry at any silly thing.
Its really important for you to know the cause of your husbands mood swing. There can be something from past which is still bothering or haunting him.
Also, for marriage to be successful both husband and wife have to make lots of compromises.
And suppose you get divorce but then the next guy you get married too is even worse then him.
Also, You all should sit together and discuss each and every single problem.
And if it doesn't help then DIVORCE is the only option left.
Its really important to consider both negative and positive aspects of the current and after divorce situation.
Hope Allah helps you make the best decision.
Hope this helps
Salam.
salaam,
Let someone in the family know.They can talk to him and get to know what is bothering him.
(if you already tried to talk to him)
assalamualaikum sister,
ur post just confused me a bit. u said that the 2 of u have done the nikah which binds u in the bonds of matrimony but yet u say we r not fully married. i also sense some guilt when you talk about intimacy. "parents r begging for us to get fully married (shadi, walima).." i didnt know if we had any concept such as halfly married or semi married. shadi means nikah and walima is a party a groom throws in the honor of his new bride. isnt it? at least that is what i think i know. so it is perfectly ok for the two of you to live like a married couple and enjoy ur married life without the walima. plz do not assume that u r semi married,besides walima usually happens after the marriage is consummated.
ah now welcome to the world of marriage! of petty arguments, mood swings, ego clashes, expectations and disappointments.. etc etc. im sure u didnt have ur honemoon yet and i dont have to guess y; its because u think u r not fully married of course. i cannot tell how much being together with eachother and away for sometime from every1 should help the 2 of u but its worth a try. sometimes just pulling youself away for just a weekend to a nearby holiday destination can help a marriage a lot. we do that everytime we get frustrated with the monotony of our routine life and we come back feeling better. we just charge our batteries so we get the strength to handle the stress we go through on our daily basis.
i have noticed that you havnt given clear details hence i dont feel very confident about what i should say. eg. u didnt tell us y he lives with ur family and if walima is so important that u dont consider nikah without it then y hasnt it happened yet? the reasons y iam asking u these questions is because im wondering if he is struggling financially or its just that he is plain lazy or greedy since u also said how ur family supports his basic needs. his irritability and mood swings could b happening because of his failed attemts at getting a good job or because he dislikes living in a crowded home, where he has to share his space with ur parents and sibblings and cannot get intimate with u when he wants or the way he wants.. what were the circumstances under which u guys married? i hope he wasnt forced or something. its very important that u ask him these questions. expressing anger to a new bride is not what many men would do inless there is a good reason to support it.
2 years is not a short enough to call u newly married yet i u arent married for long enough to understand eachother completely, especially considering the communication gap between the 2 of u.. i suggest you to go for a short trip or find a way to get some private space with him so the two of u can talk calmly and get to the root of ur problem. if possible allow ur elders to help u. avoid arguments if u can. the initial days of a married couple are memorable ones which is the reason y the concept of honeymoon was introduced in the first place. everything u do or say to eachother will stay in ur memories till u grow old enough to forget everything. even the details of ur arguments will stay in ur head and mess up with ur mind time and again breeding resentments and grudges. so make these initial memories as pleasant as u can for eachother. when we get angry we say some horrible things. 'Sorry' word does little to fix a broken heart so tell him that and handle it in a mature manner. . Divorce is for those who have done their best to make their relationship work but coudnt succeed. i will never advice any married couple to get it coz they argue a lot. Many people will advice u on the basis of their personal experiences, i hope u find the one that suits ur situation the best. Pray to Allah to help u, He is Al Wadud, the compassionate one. Call him out to fill ur lives with lots of love.
May Allah give u sabr and keep the 2 of u happily together always. Aameen.
Masha ALLAH sister nice advice
Salam sister!
Okay, in my opinion, I think divorce would be the right thing to do.
I personally hate marriage (for me) and never want to get married. Loneliness sucks, but being stuck with a person who treats you less than trash, is worse.
Everyone always tells me they're so much better off single, and I agree.
I'm not telling you to be single all your life, I'm telling you divorce and finding someone else, would be better.
Sorry if I was no help. You most definitely don't have to listen to me. Just make dua, and trust Allah.
Love,
Sister Hooria
Hooria, sounds to me like you've been talking to the wrong people. You left out the third option, which is to be with someone who loves you, supports you, and shares your successes and failures. Marriage can be an extremely rewarding experience that leads to self-growth. I know some people whose marriages are on the rocks, but I know many more who have happy marriages.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As-salamu Alaykum,
I've read a couple of stories on this site where the husband is living with the wife's family, and I'm not sure if this is the practice of a particular culture, but it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I really cannot imagine any circumstances in which I'd want my daughter's husband living with us, unless some very dire situation occurred at some point in their married life. I certainly would not accept it at the beginning of their relationship, when the groom is supposed to show that he is able to support his new bride.
In some cultures, such as the Arab culture, it is common to do the nikah before the couple lives together, but the marriage is not consummated until after the walima. People call this "engagement," but the fact is that they are legally married. So, welcome to marriage, as another poster stated. You are already married, and it is not a question of whether you'd still like to marry him, especially considering that you have already consummated the marriage.
What is delaying the walima, and are your parents aware that the marriage has been consummated?
Do you think that living alone with your husband would improve the situation?
Unfortunately, a husband residing with his wife's family after he marries her is practiced in the Pakistani/Indian culture. Many times when girls in the west are married off to their cousin or distant relative from back home, they then sponsor their spouses to join them. Typically, the groom can't afford to live on his own, so they live with the girl's parents and it is an expectation from the groom's side to be taken care of financially. This isn't the attitude of the entire culture, but there are many cases like this. I wouldn't be surprised if her husband is not financially stable and I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude was entitlement for the generosity he is receiving.
Salaams,
I would like to advise you to do something which seems to have gone unmentioned so far:
Make istikhara.
I used to feel much more comfortable telling people to divorce at times, but I refrain from doing so any more. Allah knows more about your marriage than anyone who can answer your question; He even knows more about your marriage than you or your spouse. He is the only One to rightly guide you to the thing that is best for you in this life and your hereafter.
I can say this, what is complicated now, can certainly get more complicated. It may even become unbearable. Such circumstances may break you, or raise you in character. Everyone is different, so not every situation or circumstance affects everyone the same. Only Allah knows you well enough to know what is best for you, and that's why it's important to go back to Him to find the path He has specifically decreed for you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum,
Sister Maryam,
It is really a positive thing to hear that your husband does not smoke, drink or go clubbing. You also mentioned that he is a wonderful person when he is in a good mood. Obviously, the both of you are having problems, but I think it comes down to communication and no knowing your roles.
Your family needs to know that you and him are married and not just engaged. He is your husband if you had a Nikah with him. I get a feeling that you see this time more as engagement than marriage. I recently attended a "ruksati" (ceremony where bride and groom meet in person and start marriage) where the Nikah was completed 4 months prior. In my conversation with the mother of the bride, she said they didn't allow their daughter to speak with their son-in-law as "What would the community say?" So, in case, this happens to be the thinking in your household, please understand that your husband became your husband after you had Nikah with him and no one can make the interactions between the both of you haram as they are halal--I say this because it doesn't make sense that you both are living in separate rooms despite being married.
For a healthy Islamic marriage, both of you need to sit down and talk about your roles. There are many good lectures on youtube that talk about a healthy Islamic marriage. Talk with your mom or your dad about how the both of you need time to be alone, start your life together, move out(!) and both him and you need to take up your responsibilities as a married couple.
I agree with Sister Amy that you should do Isthikhara. I also think that if you get over the hurdles of culture, you can have a healthy marriage inshaAllah.
Meanwhile, do Du'a. Be strong. Do not react to his mood swings. Be serious about your role as a wife. Talk to him about plans for living separate. Talk to him about how you want better your relationship with Allah and how he might do that. If you get to know what he thinks and where he is coming from and he gets to know your expectations, maybe things will become more clear. At the end of the day, studies or not, both of you are married and have to accept your roles and responsibilities of marriage. If matters do not improve, definitely talk to your elders. I pray that you have a successful marriage, inshaAllah.