Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is demanding and unfair.

Angry in-laws

Salam,

I'm a 24 year old and mother to a 1 year old. I'm not quite sure how to explain my situation mostly because I've never really shared this with anyone. If I've ever spoken to anyone about it, they just know about what's on the surface and not underneath. I understand that a husband and wife are like clothing for one another and that's why it's best to keep matters between you two but currently I feel like everything has gotten out of hand.

I constantly feel like I'm the one turning my life around for this man when he can't do the same for me. Even when we were engaged he was controlling and would threaten me by saying that if I don't do what he says, he'll break off our engagement (just to be clear, it wasnt anything against Islamic teachings that he asked of me at the time). The weird thing was he asked me to give up what he hadn't given up, and eventually I had to make him do exactly what he made me do. When you're engaged, life isnt like how it is when you're married; even if he tried controlling me, he knew he couldn't because I wasnt his wife.

After we got married and I moved with him in his family home is when things got terrible. He loved me in the beginning and that too a lot and I'll admit I didnt know how to do many things for him because I had never really seen a life like this before. My family was very different from his and honestly I didnt know how to fulfill wifely duties. I grew up in a house with maids and cleaners and here I was now cleaning a toilet shared by several other people. Cleaning my room and the whole house every single day before my husband came, showering and getting ready for him and having him come home to complain why my hands smell of garlic when I hadn't even touched him yet.

He would compare me to his brother's wife for a very long time, saying that I didn't care for him like she cares for her husband. What he didn't realize is that she doesn't have to do half of what I had to do in the house on a daily basis. My in-laws are desi and desi in-laws think they have authority over their daughter in-laws in a way that the husband doesn't and often times they are quick to complain to your parents about how you aren't doing your chores around the house.

Hera

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17 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Hera,

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation....you are clearly trying your best and not being appreciated. Furthermore, your husband is emotionally abusive. He shouldn't be comparing you to anyone, and even if he finds your hands smelling like garlic, he should realize that that is because of the food you spent all day cooking for him, and that should be enough for him to restrain his tongue. I feel you need to talk to him and explain all of this. He needs to know that you know that you are worth a lot more than how is treating you. Standing up for yourself will show him what your boundaries are, and what is unacceptable to you. Keep trying to find positive things about him, and maybe this will serve as an example for him to emulate.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • As Salaamualaikum...

      • Muslima I edited or deleted your comments. You seem obsessed with people's toilet habits and I feel it's not relevant or appropriate here.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I think it it extremely relevant to point out the difference from a kufr woman and a believing woman , toilet habits and all.

          • Referring to someone as a "kufr woman" is offensive. Especially when you don't even know who they are. Some people have good personal grooming and toilet habits. Some don't. Some people have no problem cleaning up after themselves. Some people are so thoughtless they think nothing of leaving the bathroom a mess. Muslims do not have some kind of copyright or patent on good bathroom manners.

  2. ***Comment removed by Editor***

    • Believing women are by far superior , we are the chosen ones Alhamdulliah , blessed to be a muslima

      • Aslaamualaykhum

        This is the weirdest and one of the stupidest things I've ever read on this site. Even Wael said you're obsessed with people's toilet habits and your comment has less than nothing to do with the post in question.

        You're other post about being superior seems to suggest that you're an arrogant and egotistical person. I'm surprised your weird comment was even allowed.

        • Girls using islamic male names Asim- is your name really Annette - sorry Annette if I hurt your feelings when stating facts . Your a weirdo trolling sites to stick up for the kufr . I wonder if Allah is happy with your work posing as a muslim. May Allah remove the masks and reveal who these false ppl are on our Islamic sites . The kufr dont need any helpers they have Shaytaan guiding them to their abode- hell. In Sha Allah may our Ummah strengthen and may we stick together against the kufr instead of bowing down to their foul lifestyles. I am against the way they live and it is a fact that pious believing muslims are superior in the eyes of Allah a.w.j not arrogance -FACT.

          • You just called a fellow muslim (me) a kufr. According to the Hadith you're now a kufr. Might want to take your shahada again ... ohe and deflate your mountain-sized ego.

            Have a nice life! Aslaamualaykhum ☺

    • Muslima

      We understand your point but probably you could have written in much better way and tone .

      • I have read your comments about Muslims and I think it is the old fashioned saying " kettle calling tea pot", unfortunately it is not arrogance that I spell out about kufr women and kufr men it is only truth . Muslimas have so much to offer their spouses which is why we gain many proposals . I just stated facts - on here there are kufr posing as muslims demonising Muslim women . I see those individuals comment using islamic names- please rub your heads with dust and stop trolling islamic sites. There are many sites for kufr to speak on- yes toilet habits of kufr make islamic ways superior- not arrogance fact- as does the way they eat PORK and allow dogs to lick their faces and plates in which they eat off- and the fact they allow all kinds of sin and throw their selves at males daily. Blessed to be a muslima and fighting against KUFR. My duty as a muslima.

        • My tone is facts - dogs licking faces, sick anal sex ie homesexuals, pedophiles singing national songs , and pedophiles having TV shows ie Jimmy saville this is the state this country and America are in FACT. And the disbelieving people support these tyrants including President Trump. I have a right to my opinion against filthy habits in this country. Luckily as a muslim we HATE PEDOPHILES AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT ALLAH HATES - and??? You have a Problem with that do you??

          • Get back to me and see my tone - I am passionate about what my Rabb has taught us and no one only him will change my tone of FACTS. Sorry if facts offend you. It's a shame- unfortunately " your shame".

        • Muslima, since you came on this website all you have done is spread animosity and insults, call people kuffar and hypocrites, and stir up arguments. You are so full of hate and anger. Your attitude is not welcome here. I have banned you from this website.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. You married into a typical desi culture where you have to be a servant to your in-laws and take abuse from them and your selfish mean husband who will never side with you and always blame you if you speak your rights. I don’t see anything that can be improved unless you talk very serious with your husband and demand respect otherwise you will leave him. He may be a jerk and play with you say go. This is not a way to live, this is not marriage. It’s a Hindu marriage custom that that they brought with them controlling the daughter in law, make her clean, and cook...be a SERVANT.

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