Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not emotionally fulfilling

no communication

Salaam all,

I would really appreciate if you could take the time out and read what I have to say as I am currently going through a crisis and would appreciate your genuine advice.

Since the age of 22, I was in search of a suitable prospect with the intention of marriage, having tried different avenues such as marriage events, online matrimonial sites, and family recommendations. I came across various personalities and different characters. Being a spiritual person, I would always use Istikhara as a decision tool which would be the final call. I had some prospects whom I would connect with really well, but after istikhara was done, there would be some problems which eventually would put the process to end.

This time last year, a proposal came from a family friend who was of the same lineage, caste, aqeedah and pretty much had same family background. When we first met, it was a very formal meeting but a positive one. Moving on, we had a few coffee meetings and I made isikhara and left the rest with God.

My parents were really keen as they knew the family very well and also approved of the boy being well-educated, of good height, good looks etc. Whilst being honest with myself, I couldn’t deny I agreed with my parents. However, I did not find myself connected with this person and thought at the time that it would be a lame/not valid enough excuse to turn this suitor down. Three months later, I agreed, and with a few doubts, I got engaged. There were no red flags at the time, it was more my gut instincts and me over-analyzing him. I accepted the proposal with the intention of completing my deen with acceptance of his good character.

I have now been married for 4 months, and my concern is that I don’t feel emotionally connected to my husband. We are attached as I believe I am always concerned for his well-being and fulfilling his rights, but I just don’t feel we are very well-connected. We are different, as he is more of an introvert and I am more sociable...I make all the plans and he just tags along. The only common interest we have is food and eating out. At the start of the marriage we had a few disagreements over finances, but these have now been resolved. We have also not consummated our marriage as we are struggling to have intercourse. I feel this is impacting our relationship significantly.

I feel he does not emotionally fulfill me. We can spend hours on end together both on our phones, and I would prefer to be browsing online as our real life conversations are not of much depth. I would prefer to be in the company of my family rather than his, as I feel he doesn’t impact my life as much. Am I overanalyzing or being unappreciative? My honest opinion is that I find him boring and not fulfilling as a husband…he is a better son/brother to his family than a husband.

What do I do? Do I just carry on and hope for better? Since being married to him, I have not experienced happiness being in his company. Instead, I feel we are just together for the sake of society and our marriage. We both work the same hours, and I ensure I cook for him and fulfill his needs so there is no room for complaints. However, I feel sad and disheartened as only I know how I feel….

Any sincere advice would be much appreciated.. Jazkallah khair.

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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister it’s only been 4 months for your marriage please don’t give up
    Talk to him how you feel
    Sometime women has to make first move if men’s don’t
    Tell him about your feelings what you want
    Making yourself upset or giving up is not the solution to this
    Talk romantic to him make him feel that he is not fulfilling
    Your needs
    Please keep the site updated in few months time of any improvement maybe we can subject more
    Hope that helps

  2. Congratulations on your marriage! First, I would like to say that marriages take work. You should talk to your husband about how you feel. Since you are newlywed you guys will have to take some time to get to know each other. I suggest that you two put your phones down and stay off the internet. You can use that time to bond as husband and wife. Try to create some fun memories together. Each of you can make a list of things that you would like to do. (learn a new language, visit a new place, join a book club, etc.) Then as a couple, you can try some of the things on each of your lists. Also, you can cook together to relieve the pressure on you to always cook. Since you didn't mention any flaws with your new husband I honestly think the problem is that you two have not bonded as partners. You stated that he was a better son and brother than a husband, well he has been in those roles since birth it will take some time to become a good husband. Give it some time. Think of your marriage as a marathon and not a sprint. If you truly bond now if issues arise later you are more likely to have a lasting and loving relationship. May Allah bless you and your marriage.
    Salam

  3. Wa aleikum assalaam Hira-19.

    My God! I don´t think the repliers understood a single thing you said. I got this out of your problem:
    1. You´ve already tried making plans and getting to know each other through fellow actiivities but it turns out that he is a bit of a recluse and only wants to be with his family.
    2. He just doesn´t interest you, quite simply.

    Also, you are apparently mature enough to see that he is a good son/brother to his family, but he just isn´t "your type". You seem to be a social, outgoing and duty-abiding girl who is doing her bit (like cooking despite her work) as a wife but you obviously need what we call in Urdu "a humsafar" (fellow traveler, a life partner). This is so normal for us women. We need someone we can be best friends with but someone we can also be playful with and feel attracted to. Hira, I don´t see why you should be BOUND to keep this marriage going. I understand the social context VERY VERY WELL and have lots of cousins, friends etc. who are clearly living in this kind of marriage. I even have a cousin who was miserable on the day of her marriage but went on with it, had a few kids and has been miserable ever since her marriage. I have seen several times that she avoids her husband and sleeps in her kids´bed. She used to be a great person but now, she´s just a very political and calculating person. I think it all stems from her not putting her foot down years ago, and when she let others take the reign of her life. For the past decade, she has been so ill and mostly mean to her family. She is just a miserable person and I feel so sad for her....she wasn´t really like this in her youth. I feel like a LOT of our elderly sisters/aunties are so vicious and miserable because they all did something they felt they had to, not what they wanted. Women are people pleasers but they end up with lots of health problems eventually.
    So please Hira, know that divorce is a blessing for us Muslim women when we really truly know that the marriage isn´t what our heart wants. Do istikhara and get out before you have any kids or get stuck deeper. By all means, stay for longer but then please don´t ever blame anyone else for your choice. I truly hope your husband becomes very exciting and a fun-loving person sooner than later insh´Allah but if not....sis, divorce might be the least liked by Allah of HALAAL THINGS but, it IS a real option. Perhaps he deserves an introvert and you deserve a truly fun guy with high EQ.
    Many duaas!

  4. You have not consummated the marriage yet. That’s surprising. Something is really wrong. You both seem very different. You went on to marry him because he looked good on paper, plus your family pressured you as he was family friend. You have met many guys whom you have connected with but didn’t work out for some reason, and decided to marry this guy because there were no flaws. Emotional connection is very important. Try much as you can to connect with him. Both of you looking at your phone for hours and without have nothing to say to each other is alarming. I don’t know what to say. It’s up to you to decide. There should be at least some happiness in the marriage. Instead you are married to each other for society and family sake.

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