Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents blackmailing me into marrying someone other than the girl I love


Emotional blackmail.

In July 2019, my mum looked for a girl for me for marriage. The girl they found is a daughter to a Maulana and her brothers all are mufti and hafiz. She is aged 18 and I'm 24, which basically means we have an age gap of 6 years. So after my mum saw her, she told my dad about it, but before talking to her parents about marriage, they asked me whether I am ready for nikah or not. My reply to them was "yes...I am ready." The reason why I said "yes" was that I thought that this girl might be different from all the other girls out there because her family background is really good.

So after my dad talked to her dad, he said "yes," and after a few weeks, we started talking to each other. The girl's mum said it is good that both girl and boy are talking as they'll get to know each other well. And I was really very felt like finally I got someone who was really made for me because of her generous talk.

However, some weeks ago, she started showing her true colors: she started swearing and the biggest thing was she didn't trust me as I was still studying. She thought that I might be talking to someone else and when I used to ask her if she trusts me, she would say that she is scared that I might change after marrying her; I might stop loving her and all. That annoyed me a lot, and I was getting bored.

Our nikah was after 2 years so I decided to tell my parents what she was doing. After telling my parents, my mum talked to her mum and we gave her a last chance to improve. But unfortunately she didn't change. She did the same sort of things, and being a daughter of a maulana you should set an example to others but she used to do tiktok and uploading makeup videos and hijaab tutorials and uploading all those photos of hers. So again I told my parents about her behavior. My mum and dad were very angry. They didn't expect her to do that again, and they decided to call off the marriage.

After some days, I started talking to my ex. We had been together for four and a half years, and I don't know how I started liking her again. I told her everything and she agreed. From my point of view, after my parents, she's the only one who knows, understands, trusts, and treats me the way I want. I prayed and asked Allah that if I am on right path me guide me straight and if I'm on wrong path, then somehow get rid of her from my life. Everything was working fine, so I told her that on my graduation day, I would be telling my parents about her. We were really happy.

Until of course my parents visited the first girl's home, talked to them, and they asked forgiveness. They said if your son is not interested, do not force him to marry my girl. But now my dad is forcing me to marry her! And they are blackmailing me saying that "from day one until now we have given you everything you wanted" and that her father is maulana and they know better. That my life will be really very good if I marry her...and that I should give her one last chance etc, etc.
My mum literally cried in front of me about this. I'm really depressed. I don't know what to do... Please help me!


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5 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Brother Shoheb,

    Sorry about your dilemma. It's not right of your parents to push this girl on you and claim that you must listen to them because they brought you up and did everything for you. They should have done all those things from their heart and for the sake of Allah and not in expectation of a future return. And it's possible they did, but are so enamored by this girl's family that they have blinders on.

    But I will say this sort of did an Istikhara dua, even if you weren't aware of asked Allah to "keep you on the straight path" or remove your love interest from your life. So...that doesn't necessarily mean you have to marry this girl your parents are interested in, but you should keep an open mind as Allah will direct you to who is right for you now. Inshallah it will be the girl of your dreams.

    Have you talked to your parents about the girl you had a relationship with yet? It could just be that they recognize that they won't be around forever and want to see you a married to a girl who they perceive to be religious and God-conscious. But there is no hurry when it comes to these things, and they need to act not out of fear but rather out of responsibility for seeing you settle with someone compatible.



  2. Explain to your father just because a father is a maulana, doesn’t mean his kids will be all super good and religious. Some do turn out opposite. You are seeing her true colors. This is silly your parents keep complaining to the parents of their daughter’s behavior and yet your dad is forcing you to get married to her because they come from a maulana, hafiz, mufti family background.

    What makes her doubt you?
    You said “she didn't trust me as I was still studying. She thought that I might be talking to someone else and when I used to ask her if she trusts me, she would say that she is scared that I might change after marrying her; I might stop loving her and all“

    You still have feelings for your ex girlfriend of 4 years. You contacted her. Maybe she is your type.
    Do you deserve to be married to a very religious family background? The girl does not appear so religious to you, doing makeup hijab tutorials on social media.

    • Asalamualaykum Tami,

      I hope you are well my dear. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't think there is anything wrong doing hijab tutorials on social media...even makeup tutorials, as long as it is not over-the-top makeup that contours and changes your whole face. I personally do not wear makeup, but I see these type of tutorials as someone trying to help others to learn something. No wrong in that to my knowledge. And Allah knows best.


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