How can I regain my faith in Allah?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I am only recently turned 14. I am a girl with a mental disorder because my parents used to abuse me when I was younger. In fact, they still do.
But it is only my mother now, and she does it very rarely, but when she does, she hurts me very badly. She punches me, kicks me, pulls my hair, drags me around the house but this has been going on since I was four. And because of this, I am, in a way, quite twisted.
I am anti-social, paranoid, angry, depressed, and I have the darkest thoughts. I involuntarily think of ways to kill people. And they're very imaginative... Because of my parents, I believe that there is no good in this world, and because of them, I hate humans. I honestly do.
When I am severely angry or severely upset, I am dangerous. I can seriously hurt someone. But I reach the limit of my insanity, and I'm someone I can't even recognize. I am suicidal. I want to drug, smoke and drink myself to death (but I have never done any of this). I harm myself, harm others, attempt suicide, scream, shout, break things, and worst of all, I insult Allah and Islam.
Because of this burden, I've lost my faith in Allah, humanity, myself, happiness in fact in everything. I have no hope, no ambition, no motivation. People always say that atheism is happiness, but I am more unhappier than I have ever been in my life. I went from a faithful good Muslim to a hateful sadistic misanthrope.
I have stopped praying and reading the Quran. My family often tell me to pray, but all I think is, "Where is Allah? Why won't Allah help me? Why does Allah help other people who do so much worse, but never me?" But I want to love Allah and Islam again. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to begin. I want to be happy. I want to know that Allah will always be there for me.
Please help. I'm so scared that I might succeed in committing suicide next time.
Annalyn Amber
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Dear Sister Annalyn,
I am deeply saddened and angered by what has happened to you. No one deserves to be treated as you have been, no human nor any animal even.
It's very hypocritical of your parents to tell you to pray, but then to beat you in this way. Islam is not just prayer and fasting without any meaning or spiritual purpose. Islam is kindness, treating people with compassion, and loving our families.
At this moment, I don't care about you regaining your faith in Allah, or practicing Islam. Insha'Allah that will come in time, in the future, when you are safe and your spirit has time to recover. What I care about at this moment is that you become safe from harm, whether from your mother's hands or your own. I do believe that Allah loves you and cares about you, and that many good Muslims exist who can help you; but the thing to concentrate on at the moment is becoming safe.
I would like to have one of our Editors contact you privately by email if that's alright with you Insha'Allah. We would like to stay in contact with you and try to help you.
I sincerely feel that you need to report the abuse that is going on. Talk to someone at your school. Tell them exactly what is happening in your home. I think that you need to find a different place to live, whether with another relative like an aunt or grandmother, or with a friend, whether Muslim or not. The important thing is that you find a place where you are safe.
The next step is that you need counseling in order to recover your psychological health. Trust me, once you are in a safe and peaceful environment, it's possible to lose that anger, and those thoughts of death and violence, and to get back to being a normal, happy human being. It takes time, and having someone to talk to who cares. But the first step is to get yourself to place where you can live safely, free from abuse.
Sister, it's rotten that this has happened to you. Unfortunately this happens to some people in life. They get parents who are themselves messed up and broken inside. Almost certainly your mother was abused herself as a child, and has become a twisted and angry person, and has passed her abuse on to you. So as I said, it's sucks that you have experienced this.
The challenge now is to first of all establish some safety and security in life, then find ways to recover from what you have experienced.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dearest sister Annalyn Amber xxx
Please do not dispair. Allah (swt) is all knowing and all-hearing and indeed He loves you. He is fully aware of your situation and have recorded all the unjust that has happened or happening to you. Please be patient and try to gain strength to stand up for yourself!- by this I do not mean that you should become horrible towards your respected mother coz that will make things so much worse and it may not help you mentally to become a peaceful person.
From my understanding you are facing abuse from your mother. This does not mean your mother does not loves you. I gather your mother does care about you as you have mentioned that very rarley your mother hurts you a lot! I think your mother is going through or have had bad experiences in her life that from time to time she takes out on you- this is not fair on you but there is something that is bothering your mother. Being said that, you need to (if you can) talk to your mother but if you can't then you need to seek help from your trusted extended family- aunties, uncles, grandma, grandad- tell them that for no reason your mother hurts you a lot but if they are all no help then please seek external help- i.e. your local masjid or your local authoithy.
Please do not give up on Allah (swt). He too certaintly wants you to become a good natured human and then inshaAllah a good muslimah.
Please do not think Allah (swt) is not there to help you. He is with you right now. He loves you coz you care about yourself and your faith!!! If He wasn't then for instance, He would not have brought you to this site to seek advice.
Dearest sister, please remember you are not alone on this earth who is being tested by Allah (swt). Everyone is being tested in some way or the other. You are being tested, I am being tested, editors of this site are being tested, scholars are being tested, teachers are being tested, friends are being tested, blind ppl are being tested, poor people are being tested, rich ppl are tested and also your father and mother are being tested too. Everyone is being tested in this short life on earth!!!
Allah (swt) knows how much burdan a person can take and if you feel you are experiencing greater burdan than others then that is because Allah (swt) has given you (which u may be unaware) that much greater strength to remove this burdan from ur life provided that you do not lose hope in Him (Allah (swt)) and/ or even if the burdan does not get removed, then InshaAllah Allah (swt) may have reserved something better for you in the hereafter provided that you do not do anything that displeases Allah (swt), such as committing sucide or hurting someone coz you are fully knowledged that you will be accountable by committing any wrong deeds.
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Please see some verses from the Quran:
'' On no soul do we place a burdan greater than It can bear '' (Qur'an : Surah 23 : 56)
"
- Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger,
- some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but
- give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere; who say, when afflicted with calamity: 'To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return.'" [Quran, 2:155]
Al-Baqarah: 155-157
“When Allah tests you, it is never to destroy you. When He removes something in your possession, it is only in order to empty your hands for an even greater gift!”
"Do good to others, surely Allah loves the doers of good." [Quran, 2:195]
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Some hadiths:
The Prophet (pbuh) said:
“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive to do that which will benefit you and seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless.
"Wondrous are the believer's affairs. For him there is good in all his affairs, and this is so only for the believer. When something pleasing happens to him, he is grateful, and that is good for him; and when something displeasing happens to him, he is patient, and that is good for him." (Muslim)
Narrated by Abu Musa: Some people asked prophet Muhammad (saw), "Whose Islam is the best? i.e. (Who is a very good Muslim)?" He replied, "One who avoids harming the Muslims with his tongue and hands." (Bukhari Volume 1, Book 2, Number 10)
Narrated Jarir bin ‘Abdullah: Allah’s Messenger said, Allah will not show mercy to him who does not show mercy to others.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)
"Treat people in such a way and live amongst them in such a manner that if you die they weep over you, and when you are alive, they crave for your company" [Hadhrat Ali R.A]
" Whoever possesses the following three qualities will have the sweetness (delight) of faith:
1. The one to whom Allah and His Apostle becomes dearer than anything else.
2. Who loves a person and he loves him only for Allah's sake.
3. Who hates to revert to Atheism (disbelief) as he hates to be thrown into the fire." (Bukhari)
"O Allaah! I ask You for guidance, piety, safety and well-being, and contentment and sufficiency." Muslim (no.2721)
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All I want to say, please do not let your mother or father to hit you. You are their daughter and you are at a growing tender age. You need to be taken care of. Therefore, you, yourself first need to takecare of urself by seeking help from your family/ trusted extended family/trusted friends/ local masjid/ from domestic viloance organisations. There are ppl out there to help you. Please take the necessary steps and please do not harm yourself and/or others.
May Allah (swt) makes your situation/circumstances easy for you and may He grant you the happiness that your are seeking for.
and I care about you,
Parveen
-x-
dearest Analyn xxx
I am so saddened listening to your story, my sweet you have to be strong. i am a mother of a nine year old daughter, i had her from my previous marriage, i got married again and this husband has caused me so much anxiety, depression and misery in my life he hates my daughter always says things about her. he scares me as sometimes he threatens he will expose my past sins. i get really scared of what people will think of me and i regrettfuly very regretfully hit my daughter a few times. listening to how u feel, i look at my baby and think that she feels the same as you. so i sent my daughter to live with my parents but her anger has got worse. so now Inshallah im taking a stand my husband has to leave and my daughter is going to come back. i will not let him hurt me or her anymore. I believe your mother must be going through something really bad to do that to you. talk to her and tell her how you feel, if she knows her heart WILL cry out for you, and she will begin to streghthen herself up to look after you the way she should be. Baby you dont have to put up with this abuse, take a stand in your life and be strong say NO i will not be treated in this way, strive hard to make this abuse stop. weather it be talking to your mother or another family member who can speak to her or you talk to her directly. The other day i was really really depressed and sad, i had no energy no motivation i just wanted to sleep it was time for maghrib, my heart felt like it had expoded inside of me i didnt want to get up, i told myself get up and pray i might feel a little bit of peace, so i really forced my self up and belive it or not after i prayed, i completly forgot how bad i was feeling i was actually bouncing around the house with energy. lol. Alhamdollilah. ( the depression came back in the morning)
Silence is not a solution. If the parents end up getting handcuffed and sentenced, it's because what they did is a terrible crime, and they deserve it. Most likely the authorities will not put them in prison, but will mandate psychiatric counseling, which is exactly what they need.
Simply running away is not a solution either, because she will still be under the legal authority of her parents. If she goes to a shelter for example, they will be obligated to return her to her parents, unless she reports to them the abuse she experienced.
Also, I have seen many runaway kids and what awaits them is not good or easy. Often they end up being prostituted, or addicted to alcohol or drugs. They don't get an education, and their futures are bleak.
The sister needs to follow proper legal channels, so that someone else can be appointed as her legal guardian. There is no other way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The girl is old enough to think for herself when it comes to matters of religion. The important thing is that she is in a safe environment.
Most masjids that I know would not take the girl in. They would send her back to her parents forthwith.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam
I Think That everybody should think properly, this girl needs to be strong herself and put a stop to all this, She should go to the Shariah council as they will help her and guide her, going to the authorities is emotionally damaging for her whole family, as I have a daughter and feel i have damaged her in the way that annalyn is damaged, I regret the way i have treated my child and wish i could have been stronger from the start, when she began fighting in school because she was so angry thats when i realised it is affecting her so badly i need to do something about it. Annalyns Mother needs a wake up call, Annalyn needs to go to the Shariah and ask them to find her shelter, where Annalyn you will be helped in full accordance to islam. inshallah. going to social services will lock your mother away, IF she is emotionally broken herself it will break her even more. I am not justifying what your mother is doing but seriously you need help and so does she. but you need Islamic help. Social services dont give a care what your religion is they will guide you away from Allah who you need most in your life. more than you mother or father.
Sister, what Shariah council are you talking about? If this sister lives in the USA, for example, there is no such Shariah council who can take her in and guide her. The only way for her to escape the abuse is to report it to the authorities, which is exactly what she should do and must do.
Her mother does need a "wake-up call", she needs psychiatric counseling. That's something the authorities can mandate. However, that is the mother's issue and the mother's problem. The issue for the daughter is to be safe from abuse.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Analyn, I'm glad you wrote into this site..and inshallah you will recieve the help you need. Parents are supposed to protect their children, and it is so sad to hear that your own mother hurts you so badly both physically and emotionally. Do you have other siblings, and are they going through the same abuse? You say your mother abuses you on rare occasions, do you know what her triggers are and how does she treat you at other times? Regardless of this there is nothing that justifies your mothers actions, especially since the abuse started at the age of 4!
I really do believe you need some kind of outside help to keep you safe and to also provide your mother with the help she needs. I dont believe that your mother will be instantly thrown behind bars and forgotten about, each case is assessed individually, and by you stepping up you may be able to get your mother the help that she needs, which will inshallah work out for the best in the future for both of you. And by doing so you will also recieve adequate services to deal with the trauma and move on from it to inshallah develop a healthy physical and mental state.
Without disclosing any details, I too was abused as a child, but not to the extent that you have been, and to be honest I never spoke about it to anyone and it did eventually stop. I repressed the memories of it, until recently when things went wrong in my adult life, I completly broke down because all the memories from the past came back with a vengeance and I couldnt deal with it. Your still young, it is so vital for you to recieve adequate help to deal with your emotions appropriately as soon as possible, so that you are inshallah able to go on and have a healthy and stable adult life, unlike many others.
I pray with all my heart that Allah swt guides your parents and gives you the strength to deal with this trauma and fills the remainder of your life with much deserved happiness and peace, replacing all these horrible memories with beatiful ones, ameen.
Keep us updated.
(Abu Az-Zubayr, your impression of the American justice, social service, and foster systems are extremely grim, and thankfully, largely untrue.)
Dear Annalyn,
Please do heed Wael's guidance and advice; he is not only knowledgeable, but wise and compassionate. You also have my prayers and best hopes and wishes with you; please stay safe and don't give up hope.
With love,
(Sister) Sam
Brothers and sisters if this site,
Though Amber have said that it rarely happens, it does not mean she doesn't need external help and support. The sister have said several times she is mentally not well. She is so scared of doing something wrong to herself or someone. Our sister is clearly crying out for help here but instead we the members have got difference of opinion/advice. We are not doing any good to her. We are merely making it even harder and confusing for her.
Even if this sister of ours reports her matter to her trusted family/relatives or even the masjid, it will eventually be reported to the authorities as she needs medical help. Sister Amber is not well. She needs to seek external- doctors/authorities help and then eventually her respected mother can get help too.
Furthermore, reporting or getting help from external people, shouldn't mean the person will be sent to non-muslim fosters straight away. The authorities will take into account of her next of kins before anyone else. And also, the sister seems wise enough to make it clear to the authorities that she would like to reside with her extended family or a muslim family.
All I can see from our sister Amber's post that she is really not well and she really wants to get better and wants to acquire the happiness that she may be missing out on.
Seriously, if I have way to meet this sister I seriously will. Such souls most often needs an attentive ear just to listen to their problems and great fears.
________
Sister Amber, if you have read all our replies in here, please do not feel uncertain about your situation. Mor than anyone else in here you only know how bad is your situation- so please make a decision for urself by using the opitions thst members in here have suggested. Though, if you find it easy sharing your issue with your family or relative then that would be great but if you cannot then seek help from your local masjid but if you do not want to do that then please report to your local authorities. All I am trying to say that the most important thing is you look after YOU coz nobody else would- so please make a decision by seeking help!x! and please at anytime never hold your mother as a horrible person coz I assure u your mother loves and cares for you. Just like you, I think your mother needs help too.
May Allah (swt) makes you problems/difficulties easy for you.
Parveen
x
"We are not doing any good to her. We are merely making it even harder and confusing for her."
You're absolutely right. I have been debating with myself whether to delete the comments that tell the sister not to report the abuse. You just helped me make up my mind. I must not lose sight of our mission here, which is not to foster debate, but to help this one particular sister who is suffering and needs guidance.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael and Sam, I agree, we should delete any negative, destructive comments. I was thinking the same myself too.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear all, Asalaamualaykum
This is a very informative article published recently on the effects of child abuse. InshaAllah, it will help those with harsher views, to develop some understanding and a deeper insight into the long lasting negative impact of child abuse on the child and on society as a whole.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
***
http://www.islam21c.com/politics/3598-the-effects-of-abuse-on-child-development-a-summary-of-the-research
The Effects of Abuse on Child Development - Umm Musa Najla Islam
Although the definition of what constitutes abuse is fraught with difficulties, it is not difficult to ascertain that children within our societies are too often subjected to emotional depravation, physical violence and inappropriate sexual behaviours, all which have devastating impacts on children’s physical, mental and spiritual development.
Of all the rights of children, perhaps the most important is the right to be safe, and this is very often a matter of physical safety. All children should be able to grow up in situations where they are secure and encouraged, so that they can achieve their best outcomes throughout childhood and into adulthood. To achieve this, children need to feel loved and valued, and be supported by a network of reliable and affectionate relationships. If they are denied the opportunity and support they need to achieve these outcomes, children are at increased risk of disadvantages and social exclusion in adulthood.
The family is considered a key socialising institution and the main source of learning during childhood[i] in which infants and toddlers are totally dependent upon others for care, and their lives are organised around this primary attachment[ii]. Empirical evidence suggests that growing up in an abusive home environment can critically jeopardize the developmental progress and ability of children[iii] contributing significantly to a cycle of adversity and violence. There are various forms of abuse in existence that are commonly enacted upon children, including physical abuse and neglect, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse. Physical abuse or harm may involve hitting, shaking, throwing, poisoning, drowning, scalding, suffocating, or otherwise causing physical harm to a child[iv]. Neglect may also fall into the concept of physical harm, as one of the aspects of neglect is the persistent or severe failure to meet a child’s basic physical and/or psychological needs[v], such that it results in the serious impairment of the child’s health or development. This includes a failure to protect the child from starvation, the cold, physical harm, danger, or failing to ensure that there is access to appropriate medical care or treatment. Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) has been defined as a “...sexual act between an adult and a child, in which the child is utilized for the sexual satisfaction of the perpetrator”[vi]. The NSPCC found that in England and Wales alone, police recorded a child sex crime every 20 minutes in 2010, with more than 23,000 offences (including rape, incest and gross indecency) logged between 2009 and 2010.
Emotional abuse has been defined as persistent emotional ill treatment or rejection of a child resulting in a severe adverse effect on behavioral or emotional development[vii]. It involves making the victim feel non-valued and their feelings, thoughts and behavior choices are actively condemned or non-validated, creating a climate of fear and uncertainty. While more subtle than others, this form of abuse is thought to be particularly salient in its adverse impact on relationship development[viii]. Within some jurisdictions, any emotional abuse that is experienced has to be proved by law to be linked to psychological impairment, whilst in practice, emotional abuse may fail to be appreciated as specifically contributing to psychological impairment, especially as its impact may be considered within the framework of other forms of abuse, such as sexual or physical abuse[ix]. Although psychological aggression is commonly used by parents (such as threats of physical harm or insults), as is corporal punishment, emotionally abusive actions are considered to have a high chance of damaging the child’s mental, physical, moral or social development or their physical or mental health[x].
There is substantial evidence that links victimization during childhood to severe psychiatric disorders both in childhood and adulthood[xi]. Adverse effects of abuse and violence have been shown in children victims as young as one, including trauma symptoms in children exposed to Domestic Violence (DV)[xii] and distress in response to verbal conflict[xiii]. In many cases, abuse has been shown to result in a variety of immediate, as well as long-term problems in victims, including poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety, suicidal attempts and thoughts, sleep disturbances, and feelings of isolation[xiv]. With sexual abuse in particular, significant adverse effects include difficulties with relationships as well as social incompetence, substance abuse, suicidal tendencies, and sexual re-victimization during adulthood[xv]. A popular belief, finding some ground in the research, is the cycle of abuse theory which suggests that sexual victimisation during childhood, particularly of male children, is a significant risk factor in becoming an abuser during adulthood. However, various other factors are also believed to be significant, including the age at which the abuse occurred, the duration of the abuse, the victim-perpetrator relationship, and the response of non-abusers at the time the abuse was revealed[xvi].
Child victimization usually occurs repeatedly and over time[xvii], with an interrelation of the various forms of victimization. This means that a child who experiences any type of victimization is likely to also experience other forms of victimization, with one study indicating that a victimised child also faces exposure to several types of victimization within a year[xviii]. This raises the potential impact over time to a substantial level. Several mediating factors have been found to be significant in the long-term effects of abuse however, including the severity and type of abuse, the gender of both the victim and perpetrator, family reactions to the abuse, the duration of the abuse and the length of time since the abuse[xix] . The effects of abuse may also depend upon the victim’s ability to assess and understand the abuse, and their capacity to cope with danger[xx].
More recently, research has suggested that it is not only direct abuse of the child that has an effect on developmental outcome, but also an exposure to abuse between parents or caregivers, and between other family members[xxi]. According to the United Nations General Assembly (2006), between 133 and 275 million children worldwide are exposed to domestic violence annually. Several studies have found connections between exposure to violence and a vast range of emotional, behavioural and cognitive maladjustments, with several studies showing that children exposed to Domestic Violence[xxii] (DV) are at high risk for problems such as anxiety, depression, anger, and high levels of aggression[xxiii], including being a bully at school, or being a victim of bullying[xxiv]. One study found that children exposed to DV were more likely to respond with aggression during conflict[xxv], while another found that children who actually intervened during the violence had greater levels of behavioural problems than children who did not[xxvi]. As violence between caregivers and direct abuse of the child often occur together[xxvii], studies have also found a negative effect of exposure to violence and individual victimization[xxviii]. Exposure to violence in the home has also been found, not only to be a significant predictor of both adolescent male abusive behaviour and of experiences of victimization in intimate relationships, but also that exposed adolescents were more likely to be victimised, lending support to the theory of intergenerational transmission of violence[xxix]. This theory is used to explain the link between inter-parental violence and violence in intimate relationships by subsequent generations as socially learned behaviour, in which a study found that adolescents exposed to violence doubted their own ability to be non-violent partners and were ambivalent about their ability to control themselves[xxx].
With the evolution of research on the impact of DV on development, a wide variety of theoretical perspectives have been utilised to try and understand the complexity of the experiences of children exposed to DV. A popular theory is that of Social Learning[xxxi] which maintains that children learn through observation, and hence acquire similar patterns of behaviour as those observed. In the context of childhood maltreatment, Social Learning Theory postulates that modelling in the maltreatment environment promotes violence and abuse as appropriate means of communication and interaction, rather than other more adaptive and non-hostile forms of interaction including the promotion of aggression as an appropriate interpersonal response[xxxii]. Other theories include the stress and coping perspective[xxxiii] (which states that children respond to the stressor of violence by developing various problem-focused and emotion-focused responses to the stressors), the trauma perspective[xxxiv] (which states that children react to events perceived as life-threatening (such as DV) through exhibiting Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms, including re-experiencing the trauma through flashbacks, arousal through hypervigilance, and avoidance through emotional numbness leading to lower levels of self-care, including self-protection), the relationship perspective[xxxv] (which states that children exposed to violence develop skewed concepts of gender and family relationships), and the developmental psychopathology and resilience frameworks (which seek to explain why some children develop problems after exposure, and some do not, taking into account the child’s developmental stage, and the presence of risk factors such as poverty and socio-economic status, and protective factors such as the child’s temperament, which may help to promote resilience)[xxxvi].
The foundation for success within future relationships is laid through past reinforcing close relationships[xxxvii]. While maltreated children do their best to adapt to their environment, in new situations, even with the presence of new choices and new actions, the awareness of choice and self-worth need to be present. Within this framework, maltreated children have been found to be more likely to experience violence and conflict in their early romantic relationships, with an early drive towards adult behaviours such as alcohol use, dating and sex[xxxviii]. This has been found, not only in antisocial males[xxxix], but also in community samples of youth[xl], justice-involved females[xli], child welfare-involved youth[xlii] and youth leaving foster care[xliii]. It has been postulated that maltreated youth are more vulnerable in terms of regulating behaviour and in recognising problematic or abusive behaviour in partners[xliv], in which early romantic relationships or dating can provide opportunities to repeat past experiences characterized by violence and dynamic roles as victimizers and/or victims. In some cases, a third of male and female youth sampled reported engaging in dating violence, with emotional or psychological abuse being most common, and in youth as young as age of 12[xlv].
Definitions are complex, disputed, and cannot be applied universally to all children without modifying or qualifying them, and this is no less true of child abuse. While there are many and varied definitions of abuse, with subtle differences across time and according to culture, one of the problems with the existing definitions is that there is no singularly defining profile of an abused child due to the differences in the impact and effect of abuse from one child to another[xlvi]. Differences also exist due to variations in terminology and conceptual frameworks, which change according to the field of research and the type of abuse being discussed. This invariably means that prevalence rates are often difficult to compare, and even to accurately report as what is included within the definition of abuse may change from one field to another. The prevailing culture within which the child is raised is also significant in the definition of abuse, as child rearing is an active and changing process that is affected by the characteristics of the child and the parents or caregivers, their relationships, and their socio-cultural context[xlvii]. This means that what may be defined as abuse in one culture or country is not necessarily defined as such in another. This is particularly true of Child Physical Abuse (CPA) in which careful consideration has to be paid to cultural contexts when defining physical abuse and its perpetrators, including for instance, parents’ and caregivers’ rights to inflict corporal punishment upon a child for the purpose of discipline, or religious groups’ rights to practice circumcision upon male children, both of which are defined within many western cultures as abuse but are part of everyday life in others. However, although the definition of what constitutes abuse is fraught with difficulties, it is not difficult to ascertain that children within our societies are too often subjected to emotional depravation, physical violence and inappropriate sexual behaviours, all which have devastating impacts on children’s physical, mental and spiritual development.
Notes
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[i] Black, D.S., Sussman, S. And Unger, J.B (2010). A Further Look at the Intergenerational Transmission of Violence: Witnessing Interparental Violence in Emerging Childhood. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 25 (6) 1022-1042
[ii] Holt, S., Buckley, H and Whelan, S. (2008). The Impact of Exposure to Domestic Violence on Children and Young People: A Review of the Literature. Child Abuse and Neglect, 32: 797-810
[iii] Martin (2002)
[iv] Davies, L (2006) Protecting children. A resource book and course reader. Dursley. Akamas
[v] Ibid
[vi] Lev-Wiesel (2008), p. 665. Child Sexual Abuse: a Critical Review of Intervention and Treatment Modalities. Children and Youth Services Review; Volume 30, Issue 6, pps. 665-673
[vii] Barnados (2007). Manchester Leaving Care Service: Procedures For Paid Staff And Volunteers Safeguarding Children And Young Adults. Available at:http://www.barnardos.org.uk/procedures_for_paid_staff_and_volunteers_safeguarding_children_and_young_adults.pdf
[viii] Graham-Berman (1998)
[ix] Wekerle, C., Leung, E., Wall, A., MacMillan, M.B., Trocme, N., and Waechter, R. (2009). The Contribution of Childhood Emotional Abuse to teen Dating Violence among Child Protective Services-Involved Youth. Child Abuse and Neglect, 33: 45-48
[x] Wekerle et.al (2009).
[xi] Turner et.al (2006).
[xii] Bogart et. al (2006)
[xiii] Dejonghe et.al (2005)
[xiv] Johnsona, R.M., J.B. Kotch, Catellier, J.R. Winsor, V. Dufort, W. Hunter and L. Amaya-Jackson (2002). Adverse Bahavioural and Emotional Outcomes from Child Abuse and Witnessed Violence. Child Maltreatment 7 (3):179-186
[xv] Lemieux, S.R. and Byers, E.S. (2008). The Sexual Well-being of Women who have experiences hild Sexual Abuse. Psychology of women quarterly, 32: 126-144; Beitchman, J.H., Zucker, K.J., Hood, J.E., daCosta, G.A., Akman, D., and Cassavia, E. (1992). A review of the long-term effects of child sexual abuse. Child Abuse and Neglect, 16: 101-118; Wells, R.D., McCann, J., Adams, J., Voris, J., Ensign, J. (1995). Emotional, behavioural, and physical symptoms reported by parents of sexually abused, non-abused, and allegedly abused prepubescent females. Child Abuse and Neglect, 19: 155-163.
[xvi] Coxe, R. And Holmes, W. (2001). A Study of the Cycle of Abuse Among Child Molesters. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 10 (4): 111-118
[xvii] Turner, H.A., Finkelhor, D. and Ormrod, R. (2006). The effect of lifetime victimization on the mental health of children and adolescents. Social Science and Medicine, 62, 13-27
[xviii] Finkelhor, Ormrod et. al (2005)
[xix] Ibid
[xx] Finkelhor, D. and Kendall-Tackett, K. (1997). A developmental perspective on the childhood impact of crime, abuse, and violent victimization. In D. Cicchetti and S. L. Toth (Eds.),Rochester Symposium on developmental psychology: Vol. 8, Developmeal perspectives on trauma: Theory, research and intervention (pp. 1-32). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
[xxi] Johnson et.al (2002); Øverlien, C. and Hyden, M. (2010). Children Exposed to Domestic Violence: Conclusions from the Literature and Challenges Ahead. Journal of Social Work, 10 (1): 80-97; Socolar, R.R.S. (2000). Domestic Violence and Children: A review. North Carolina medical Journal, 61 (5): 279-283
[xxii] Domestic Violence in this article has been used in its widest sense, to include physical, sexual and emotional abuse between partners, caregivers, and family members.
[xxiii] Baldry, A.C. (2003) ‘Bullying in Schools and Exposure to Domestic Violence’, Child Abuse and Neglect, 27 (7): 713-732; Johnsona et.al (2002); Overlien and Hyden (2010) and Socolar, (2000)
[xxiv] Baldry, (2003).
[xxv] Adamson, J.L. and Thompson, R. (1998). Coping with Interparental Verbal Conflict by Children Exposed to Spouse Abuse and Children from Nonviolent Homes, Journal of Family Violence, 13 (3): 213-232
[xxvi] Lee, L., Kotch, J.B., and Cox, C.E. (2004). Child Maltreatment in Families Experiencing Domestic Violence, Violence and Victims 19 (5): 573-591
[xxvii] Bolger, K., and Patterson, C.J. (2003). Sequelae of child maltreatment: Vulnerability and resilience. In S. Luther (Ed.), Resilience and vulnerability: Adaptation in the context of childhood adversities (pp. 156-181). New York: Cambridge University Press.
[xxviii] Johnsona et.al (2002)
[xxix] Levendosky et.al (2002)
[xxx] Goldblatt (2003)
[xxxi] See Bandura, (1983, 1977)
[xxxii] Graham-Berman (1998)
[xxxiii] Lazarus and Folkman (1984)
[xxxiv] Silvern and Kaersvang, (1989)
[xxxv] Graham-Berman, (1998)
[xxxvi] Ibid
[xxxvii] Ibid
[xxxviii] Ibid.
[xxxix] Capaldi, D.M., Dishion, T.j., Stoolmiller, M., and Yoerger, K. (2001). Aggression Toward Female Partners by at-risk Young Men: The Contribution of Male Adolescent Friendships.Developmental Psychology, 37 (1), 61-73.
[xl] Herrenkohl et. al, (2007)
[xli] Kelly, P.J., Owen, S.V., Peralez-Dieckman, E., and Martinez, E. (2007). Health interventions with Girls in the Juvenile Justice System. Women’s Health Issues, 17 (4), 227-236
[xlii] Cry, M., McDuff, P., and Wright, J. (2006). Prevalence and predictors of Dating Violence among Adolescent Female Victims of Child Sexual Abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21(8), 1000-1017
[xliii] Jonson-reid, Scott, McMillen and Edmond, (2007).
[xliv] Graham-Berman (1998)
[xlv] Sears, Byers and Price (2007)
[xlvi] Futa, K.T., Nash, C.L., Hansen, D.J. and Garbin, C.P. (2003). Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse: An Analysis of oping Mechanisms Used for Stressful Childhood Memories and Current Stressors. Journal of Family Violence, Vol. 18, No. 4, pp. 227-239
[xlvii] Lolllis, S. and Kuzynski, L. (1997). Beyond one hand clapping: Seeing bi-directionality in parent-child relations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 14, 441-461
Sister Amna,
When someone is emotionally or physically abused, they become frightened and loose confidence in themselves, until a point comes where they are no longer able to 'stand up' or have a 'logical/reasoning conversation' with their abuser. Its difficult enough for an adult to stand up to persistent bullying yet you are expecting a young child who has been abused and bullied since the age of 5 by her mother to speak up to her.
Parents are ones who are supposed to have instilled love and confidence into their daughters from the day they are born, but from what the young sister has described - her parents have done nothing but degrade her. This young sister has been taught by her parents that she is not worthy of being treated with respect - this is affecting her very badly now and will continue to affect her future negatively if it continues.
You say she should go to a Sheikh? What is the likelihood of such parents changing their behaviour after speaking to a Sheikh? I dont think its very high. So the young sister goes to a Sheikh, explains her situation and you are being hopeful that the Sheikh will bother to go to the sisters house or make a telephone call to the mother? You are also hopeful that the mother will take heed and stop beating her daughter just after one 'talking to'? No, most likely the mother will become even more violent.
Amna - Muslim organisations are unfortunately not developed enough to take Shariah based action to deal with such situations. InshaAllah one of our female Editors will contact the sister and they will discuss the best way forward. Such situations are mostly always brushed under the carpet, they are treated as taboo subjects and thats why they continue to happen. We need to stand up and deal with such abuse. It is completely unacceptable and if one sister stands up, other parents will think twice before bullying their children.
Children are gift to us from Allah, they should be cherished, loved and nurtured, not abused and bullied. My heart goes out to this young sister and I pray that we help her find a positive way forward inshaAllah, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
This post is now closed. One of our female Editors is communicating with the sister privately to advise her. Jazakum Allah khayr for your advice and thoughts.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor