It’s killing me that she won’t take me back
I'm 21 years old, i had a relation with a girl for 2 years,then i broke up with her for no reason. People say may be someone had done jadoo for you thats why you left her. Anyways then after 15 months i started to feel again for her badly. I contacted her first i said sorry & then i told her that i love you,she was ok & talking fine but when i told her i love u she changed & did worst with me,she is not with someone else,she is just taking revenge,
I know i did wrong but to err is human & i didn;t left her for someone else, I begged her to forgive me,but she was so cold hearted,now it has been a year, I am dieing each second, I know people call it childish & rubbish stuff & temporary feelings but you don´t know what I´m going through. In all this year i never thought about taking revenge,she has every right to take revenge but it should be as much I deserve.
I just want to marry her,bring her back in my life,i have gone through so much pain & grief,i can bear anything not this,i cannot kill myself its prohibited by ALLAH. All this year i have prayed to ALLAH...Only ALLAH can bring her back in my life,im so broken,i cannot live like this,other ppl too go through this condition but they become normal after few months,these are not just words what ever im saying,i have been to the top stage of misery.
I know i have sinned in my life but ALLAH is the one who even listen to the prayers of non-muslims than how come he ignore mine. ALLAH says he loves his human beings 70 times more than a mother than how could HE let me live in this pain where my mother can't see my this position. I cannot tell my mother that what I´m going through because there is no way she could help,
(I have to say that i did not used her by any means or no physical relation)
Please my brothers & sisters pray for me,
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Salaam brother!! 🙁 I can understand how terrible you feel, how each day seems like 100 years, how each deep breath hurts when that person is not with you...I know it because Im in a very similar situation. But brother, dont give up and NEVER give up on Alla swt! Keep praying, do istikhara, if she is for you ALLAH swt will bring her to you. You know you have not done things in the correct way, so now, change it. If she wants to go and ask for her hand. but before this you must let her know how you feel... 🙁
Brother you say :"ALLAH says he loves his human beings 70 times more than a mother than how could HE let me live in this pain where my mother can't see my this position. I cannot tell my mother that what I´m going through because there is no way she could help," FIRST OF ALL, ALLAH LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT, HE DID NOT DO THIS TO YOU, YOU DID! AND MAYBE HE IS LETTING YOU LIVE IN THIS "PAIN" SO YOU CAN LEARN A LESSON.
DONT TURN AGAINST HIM, BECAUSE WITHOUTH HIM,WE HAVE NOTHING!!
AMIRA
ThanX...I will never turn against ALLAH,i came near to him.
Hassani,
Maybe she has moved on and she is no longer in love with you.
It hurts, I know. But perhaps it is time to let things be, and move on. You are only 21 years old. You might meet someone else.
As long as you pray day and night for her to come back, you will be maintaining an emotional attachment to her,. which is not healthy. If Allah wills it, she may come back to you; in the meantime, you should let things rest.
Hassani,
After 2 years you end things out of the blue with no reason then, you believe because you said, "I'm sorry" to her, she is supposed to believe or even want the words, "I love you"?! No...you don't get to do that. You crushed her. You don't know how many nights she went to bed crying or how her world was turned upside down because you ended things and worst yet...no reason at all. She is not taking revenge, it is her right to feel the way she does because you hurt her and think you can come back and in an instant use the very word "love", as if it means anything to her?!
You say, "she was cold hearted". What you did to her was "cold hearted" in her eyes. You say, "I have gone through so much pain and grief", what do you think she went through when you walked away as if she meant nothing to you? Two years of her life she gave to you and you walked away, have you considered what you did to her?!
Allah is not letting you live in the pain you describe, you did this and it is you that has to understand that although this young woman may be able to forgive you, it doesn't mean she wants to be with you or has this love you speak of.
The pain that you feel is real...it is the very same pain that you inflicted on your friend when you walked away. It is not revenge she seeks from you, it is peace for herself and her need to move on and forward with her life. I pray that you too shall find peace so that you too can move on with your life as well.
Salam
You want her to love you unconditionally but you dont realize that you destroyed her ability to believe in you by dumping her previously. Be a man and stand up for the consequences of what you have done! Have you ever imagined how much grief and pain your actions must have caused her? Why should anyone forgive and forget the pain that someone else has caused them- destroying someone's trust in you is pretty much the worst thing you can do to them.
She is a human being with feelings as much as you, you have no right to expect that just because you realized your mistake she needs to take you back. If she does then it is because she is a much better person than you - treat people with respect and they will give it back. She is not a piece of furniture that you can discard and replace at will - each time you do something bad to someone else , you have irrevocably changed the way they feel about the situation, and the world in general and so learn to respect and treasure others sentiments.
As a muslim, it is disgraceful that you think you can treat anyone this way- how come you conveniently accept the forgiveness and repentance aspects of Islam and forget Allah's will that you should not bring grief to another? You have caused her unnecessary pain and deserve to be treated the same way - think of this too as Allah's will. People like you do not deserve love and respect from anyone as you are too selfish to think beyond yourself.
I guess you gave this comment being a girl or if you are a boy than may be having soft corner for girls,anyways i accept my mistake,i am not neglecting it,i already said its her right to punish me,its always give & take in everything,i dont blame her,for her this attitude,did i said that why she is doing this with me,
i agree watever u have written,i may be dont have much knowledge abt Islam than you have but i just wanna say one thing to you "It is not revenge she seeks from you, it is peace for herself" this thing what you said is not correct in any manner,everyone has his own pont of views,think sometime,you loved someone,he or she broked your heart,now you will get peace on spoiling of that person?I mean if this is true than human being is most mean & selfish creature?
This comment was for upper poster "Najah"
(To Mr.blue)...i just want to say you that i know i made a mistake,what you dont know is that how i made her live when we were togather,You have no idea what i did for her & watever that was it was for her happiness,Nobody is perfect,im the one behind this problem i completely accept...she ignored me i stopped contacting her,If i was mean and selfish as you suggested i can get her,marry her in no time without even begging her & asking to forgive me,but im not mean & selfish,
& the other thing you said abt respect,you are not here to decide who deserves what,you even dont know me,by my this question i posted here you calculated me?
I think blue means that you have been disrespectful of the woman and her feelings for you so you dont deserve respect either. Remember you will reap what you sow- in this case you caused her anguish and she refuses to give you a second chance.
Stand in her shoes, she probably is scared that you have done this once and may do it again and so refuses to pursue anything with you. And why should she - its like learning that fire burns and the effect can sting for a long time. may she has met someone who values her and sees her for who she is ; if you had met someone you liked you would probably not have gone back to her either. What goes around comes around - so is this.
Hopefully you have learnt from this loss and will be respectful and considerate of people going forward.
Dear Brother,
Everyone has their own point of view and my response to you was mine, however you are absolutely right...we are all human and yes...we all make mistakes.
You say you want to marry this girl so...as UmmKawther advised you, go to this girls home and ask for her hand in marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I am certain that everyone here on this board would love nothing more than for you to be happy with this young girl. If it is meant to be, she will accept your proposal, if not...then Inshallah you can accept that and move on.
No matter what, I wish you peace...truly.
Salam
ThanX,
I guess you gave this comment being a girl or if you are a boy than may be having soft corner for girls,anyways i accept my mistake,i am not neglecting it,i already said its her right to punish me,its always give & take in everything,i dont blame her,for her this attitude,did i said that why she is doing this with me,
i agree watever u have written,i may be dont have much knowledge abt Islam than you have but i just wanna say one thing to you "It is not revenge she seeks from you, it is peace for herself" this thing what you said is not correct in any manner,everyone has his own pont of views,think sometime,you loved someone,he or she broked your heart,now you will get peace on destruction of that person?Which person on earth would actually get happy or get peace on the news or wateva of someone's destruction?I mean if this is true than human being is most mean & selfish creature?this is what you want to say?
Brother I usually do not like to comment on such comments. Pre-marital relationships are haraam - period and despite the pain you are better off apart and away from sin compared to being together in sin.
Only Allah swt knows the girls reasons. I am a sister, so I know how a sister feels - I don't think anyone is accusing you of being selfish, its just sisters think differently. If you were so good to her when you were together, chances are she trusted in you completely. When you left her you broke her. All of that trust she had in you probably went when you left. How can she know you wont leave her again?
This is why it is so important never to make someone the centre of your world. Auzobillah may Allah forgive all of us who have made this mistake. We protect ourselves from physical zina but not emotional. Allah swt is our reason for living and He has made pre-marital relationships haraam for a VERY good reason.
So accept it brother and move on, let her be. In time it will get easier InshaAllah.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Super Words Sister Sara,
Especially the last lines, may Allah make many people who visit this website to see your post above and learn the important things you mentioned in it.
Alhamdulillaah, very nice post.
May Allah increase you and us in wisdom and make us write the truth.
Salaam,
Your brother.
But yes, personally I do not support engagements and stuff. I have seen them causing lot of fitna.
May Allah guide us to the best ways of marriage pleasing to Him.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Sister,
I read the post a few times.
Masha Allah, these words mean a lot and convey lot of depth as well, Subhaan Allah.
Sister you should Insha Allah reply to move questions from "lovers before marriage"
Your thought process is Alhamdulillaah straight in this matter and Masha Allah clear in language too.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Sara is 100% spot on i would of written almost the same. And Hassani why are you contemplating suicide over this girl? This is astonoshing! Im sure she is a very desirable person for you, but your actions and words are inconsistant, and our prophet s.a.w warns against such people. Have you got nothing in your life other than pursuing romance? For what you did she will never forgive you, unless shes crazy as you like you. Brother i'l advise you to win her back- have an ambition in life, be humble, have shame for your dissapearing act, and stop pouring your heart and guts out to her, and speaking about your feelinga- she doesnt want to know.
Assalamu alaykum brother Hassani,
Let us take it this way:
Allah commands a Muslim to perform His duties with at taqwa (righteousness, self restrain, fear of Allah etc)
and this Muslim does "transgression" by not keeping his duty to Allah in the way he should, so what can be the result of any transgression brother Hassani?
We fail to do our basic duties towards Allah as Muslims and we try to do things which are of less benefit and more harm to us, what can we expect to come out from things that harm us?
This only emphasizes the fact that a Muslim should keep his duty to Allah, he should remain chaste and avoid enormities of sins. If Allah sees His slave living life a halaal way, Insha Allah He will help him more by bestowing upon him a wife to help him remain more firmly on the halaal way of life.
It is only when we trust ourselves more than Allah that we try to look out for love and a partner and fall in love and do not keep our duty to Allah as we should and as a consequence of our own actions we suffer, we get stuck and it seems there is no way to go back or front.
In this time of your life, there is nothing better than to turn to Allah and keep your duty to Him. Leave this "desire" for dunya, the desire to have her as a wife which is making you impatient each day as time is passing and your goal seems distant to you resulting in more desparation and making you more worried all the time you live. This affects your mind and body and also your life of Deen.
Also Allah says in Surah Az Zumar: Ala lillaahi addeenu khalisu, Pure Religion is for Allah only.
Surah 39. Az-Zumar
1. The revelation of the Scripture is from Allah, the Mighty, the Wise.
2. Lo! We have revealed the Scripture unto thee (Muhammad) with truth; so worship Allah, making religion pure for Him (only).
3. Surely Pure religion is for Allah only. And those who choose protecting friends beside Him (say): We worship them only that they may bring us near unto Allah. Lo! Allah will judge between them concerning that wherein they differ. Lo! Allah guideth not him who is a liar, an ingrate.
Some people worship Allah only for a reason, which is to get the "one" object of dunya. If that object was not there, may Allah have mercy, would they even worship Allah?
This happens when a person loves someone more than Allah and in this love, he makes a partner along with Allah, loving that person with the love which is due for Allah only.
165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Al Baqarah.
And then they say: We worship them only that they may bring us near to Allah.
Allah is best aware of who is guided and who is indeed astray.
But a Muslim's religion should be pure for Allah only. He would live for Allah and die for Allah. His intention of worship should be to fulfil the purpose of Allah and not his desires.
Your religion should be for Allah only. When you pray, you pray because Allah says so, you sacrifice because Allah says so, you give charity and poor due because Allah says so, you feed the hungry and help the needy because Allah says so, you keep the vows you make, you fast because Allah says so.
A man does all His Lord tells Him to do just to : fulfil the purpose of His Lord, the Most High.
As Allah says in Surah Al Layl:
Wa maa li ahadin aindahu min ni'matin tujzaa, - And none hath with him any favor for reward,
illabtighaa a wajhi rabbihil a'laa, - Except as seeking (to fulfil) the purpose of his Lord Most High.
walaa sawfa yardaa. - He verily will be content.
Keep your duty to Allah brother. When you were born did you pray to Allah I want to be born from the belly of so and so? So and so should be my mother? No you did not. But Allah chose your parents for you of whom He willed.
Did you pray to Allah to give you hands and feet and eyes and heart? No you did not. But He bestowed upon you what He willed.
Did you pray to Allah to clothe you with the clothes which are on your body now or the food which is in your belly now? No you did not. But He clothed you and He alone fed you as He willed.
Brother Hassani, Allah is well aware of the situation of His bondmen, He has knowledge of what is before you and what is after you, He is Allah, the All Knowing. You need to trust Him and just leave your worries aside.
Do you think if Allah has written that girl in your destiny is there anyone who can take you away from her?
38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust. - Surah Az Zumar.
Brother Hassani, we have so much blind beliefs and misconceptions in our mind that we think about magic and superstious beliefs when all power to give love and take it away belongs to Allah only, not magicians.
When you fell in love with her, do you think someone did magic on you or on her that this happened?
When you left her, do you think someone did magic on you that is why you did so?
When you wanted her back again, do you think someone did magic on you so that you wanted to do so?
Leave superstitions out of your mind. Use your mind in positive thinking, in hopeful thinking, read the Qur'an and learn about spreading Islam, how to spread it, how to unite Muslims, how to proclaim the Haqq which Allah has revealed, think about ways to work out your own side of Deen and how to be firm on Islam.
Brother Hassani ask Allah for guidance in all matters. He is your lord, you may ask Him anything, so I would not say do not ask for the girl to be married to you, but ask Allah to make your state of mind easy and to help you in achieving the good of dunya and the good of aakhirah.
49. Man tireth not of praying for good, and if all toucheth him, then he is disheartened, desperate.
50. And verily, if We cause him to taste mercy after some hurt that hath touched him, he will say: This is my own; and I deem not that the Hour will ever rise, and if I am brought back to my Lord, I surely shall be better off with Him But We verily shall tell those who disbelieve (all) that they did, and We verily shall make them taste hard punishment
51. When We show favour unto man, he withdraweth and turneth aside, but when ill toucheth him then he aboundeth in prayer.
52. Bethink you: If it is from Allah and ye reject it Who is further astray than one who is at open feud (with Allah)? - Surah Haa Miim Sajdaa.
Remember aakhirah brother, the Day of Judgment, when some will cry, some will laugh, some will be thrown in to the Fire, some will be welcomed in to the Garden, when some will be punished and some will be rewarded.
Remember the day of reckoning, cry, shed tears, listen to the Qur'an, remember your sins and humble yourself before Allah and implore His forgiveness, for this life will pass away, but the one to come is eternal. Whosoever is thrown in to the Fire, he will be in it forever and whoso is made to enter the Garden, he will remain in it forever.
18. Warn them (O Muhammad) of the Day of the approaching (doom), when the hearts will be choking the throats, (when) there will be no friend for the wrong doers, nor any intercessor who will be heard.
19. He knoweth the traitor of the eyes, and that which the bosoms hide.
20. Allah judgeth with truth, while those to whom they cry instead of Him judge not at all. Lo! Allah, He is the Nearer, the Seer. - Surah Mu'min.
May Allah help you ease your pain and turn to Him in sincere repentance making religion pure for Him only and make us all turn to Him only for our needs, Insha Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Thankyou Brother,i came near to ALLAH,
Salaam my Brother,
I am sad that you are going through this pain. I completely agree with Najah and Brother Munib, however I have more advice that I want to share with you.
No woman in her right mind is going to have an confidence in an emotional wrecked ex. Ok? My advise to you if you want to achieve marriage with this girl or any other girl for that matter: you need to pull yourself together and start behaving as though you can handle life, and no break down because you are feeling emotional pain - this is not going to inspire confidence in anyone at all. There is going to be a great deal of emotional pain in your life - because life is like this, up and down, up and down - what we as responsible human beings must do - is cultivate enough discpline to continue behaving in a sane, responsible and moral manner, in spite of whatever personal emotional pain we are going through.
You will not get anywhere in life if you strategy is to collapse in front of your goal, cry your eyes out and contemplate suicide if you do not get it.
What is better is to focus intellectually and spirtually and convert that pain into energy and use it as a tool to power you forwards in morality, spirituality and intellect.
Whatever is happening to you on the inside my brother, on the outside you need to be clean and clear and in control. What that means is you can control your tone, your actions, your words and your general way of being. This is discipline. Whatever nightmares you are going through - you must be able to remain calm, consistent and functional - otherwise you are just going to scare everyone away. They will conclude that you are unable to control yourself.
In truth - it seems that you are not able to control yourself and this is the problem here - because you are damaging yourself with this thinking.
So - all in all, to move things forward you must work towards achieving self discpline which means: whatever is going on with you on the inside - you are able to behave in a healthy, responsible, self respectful and progressive manner - you are able to control your reactions and actions - you are able to use negative energy and invest it into a healthy distraction. You do not break down and plead and cry and contemplate suicide because you have not got your way, rather: you are able to engage your mind and think about a healthy future regardless of whether you get what you want or not.
I pray you cultivate this self discpline soon inshaAllah, it will be a great help to you in this situation and for life in general. Once you get a hold of yourself and practice this discpline: you will feel much clear, much more liberated and much more able to carry on with life in spite of whatever hardships come your way.
I know you feel bad, and that is OK that you feel bad - you are not wrong for your feelings. However losing control like this will only do you more harm than good, so brother: take some charge over yourself, it will benefit you enormously.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Assalam aleikum wa rahmatuLLAAHI wa barakatuHU
you are asking ALLAAH to reunite you with this girl, yet you are still sinning by contacting her when you are not married. do you want ALLAAH the MOST WISE to return you to a haram relationship! and then you can dare to say_ "ALLAH says he loves his human beings 70 times more than a mother than how could HE let me live in this pain ". maybe the reason why He is not taking you back to this girl, is because if He did, you would be punished in the hereafter, if he did not love you, HE would not be saving you from returning to your sin. now that is love. HE loves you more than you love yourself, because He wants what is best for you.
ALLAAH created you and ordered you not to have relationships outside marriage _ but you do it anyway. you chose to ignore His rules, and then you can dare to say. "ALLAH is the one who even listen to the prayers of non-muslims than how come he ignore mine." maybe it`s because you ignored His rules!
how can you ask Allaah for something that is haram!!
also you broke that girls heart after 2 years together, that's a long time. how do you expect her to trust you again? if you tell her you love her, then you told her that 2 years ago, and then you broke her heart.
and just another thought, maybe someone done black magic on you to fall in love with her again, i know it sounds crazy, but,
salam
Im asking from ALLAH not for any haraam relation...how can you say that,im talking about marriage...
Im sinning by contacting her...i did once to know whats in her heart?i didnt contacted her to blackmail...why you take everything so negative?
"ALLAH is the one who even listen to the prayers of non-muslims than how come he ignore mine." maybe it`s because you ignored His rules"
(What you are saying here it means that non-muslims dont ignor his rules?)
When i wrote the line about non muslims i meant that non muslims are known to be most hatefull ppl by muslims,they do watever is against ISLAM...so automatically they are not liked by ALLAH too...but what does it means...non muslms dont pray from their watever so called god?But its only ALLAH who listen to their prays too,
I would really like to know your thoughts on this.
The man is 21, he made a mistake, he regrets it, give him a break and tell him something that MAY help him will make sense
Hassani read on.
The fact that she responded to you and not blocked you out is probably because of two reasons,
This is not just the closure she was dying for when she was suffering worse than what you think youre going through now and its her right to see that the tables have turned.
BUT that doesnt mean that hope is lost because the fact that she is responding May mean that there is an open window for you with her.
MUslims however do not go through windows, they walk bravely through doors.
I do not condone pre marital relationships its is 100% haram and the reason isnt because our relationship is staunch , out dated and not modern. Its because Allah whom wrote the quraan made us and understands human nature and wants to protect us.
Pre-marital relationships no matter how you tweak or rationalize them in 'my intentions are good' are not good because it is the dwelling place of shaitan in darkness behind backs and everything unjust that happens in that void. Guess who pays the price?
Just read the letters here to have an idea. Happily ever after is only through the door.
So you say you want her? You could be going through 'i want what i cant have phaise'whichever the case if you think you are good for HER and you can be a responsible husband and you really cant live without her.
March yourself with your family up to her familys door and ask for her hand in marriage.
It wont be a given that she will accept (but im guessing she may) make sure when you ask for her make it exceedingly clear that you will treat her with respect, consider her and love & protect her.
Dont let your dad do the talking. You be heard and what you say will be conveyed to her and she just may espond with a yes.
But ONLY if you mean it, if youre 'i want what i cant have' then leave this girl alone and save her the grief and revist your priorities in life and with time and closeness to Allah.
ThanX.
Dear Hassan
I am not Muslim but I believe there is only one God for all humanity whatever we call him.
I would like to add my comment as well. You should first of all work out the reason why you broke up with her in the first place, It is not that you have all those feelings now because she has made herself unavailable?
You are talking about marriage, but marriage it's a seriuous matter before you committ yourself you must be sure 100% that you really mean it, then you have to go back to her asking for forgiveness 1 , 2 ,100 and a 1000 times more, make sure she understand the reason why you broke up, something such like: "she was becaming so important to you, that you had to broke up with her because too young and couldn't concentrate do do anything else and it has always been your intention once older to ask her in marriage".
If she has any feelings left for you after you hurt her so badly only this could make her change her mind, but if you keep saying you just left her out the blu, you will do again and never get her back.
I hope to God you are honest with yourself as well with her I wish you happy life.
God bless you today and every day of your life
Anna
if you want her back.. send your parents to her place for a marriage proposal. and pray to God that he gives her back to you.. you seem to be a nice man.but if she comes back.never mistreat her again. please..my prayers are with you!