Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage bureaus and Giving Photos to strangers

Asalamualaikum.  Iam a 23 year old girl. I have a question regarding the marriage processes that are really hurtful at times. They put adds in newspapers & online, & there are some marriage bureaus where our photos are kept & people come & see the photos & bio-data & you won’t believe how these photos are used.. like magazines thousands of them just circulated without our knowledge & people come & see them like they are shopping for some stuff. Basically we are at display. If at all they like the girl they call on the given phone number & come home see the girl wherein most of them see their palms, height, hair length, ask questions, stare & make us uncomfortable to the core & they also have snacks... lol.. It’s fun for them but too embarrassing for the girls... then they leave & don’t answer their phones when called and sometimes they message saying that they don’t like the girl. My question is regarding the photo which is to be given in these bureaus although my photo is in Hijab im not comfortable with the idea of so many people looking at my photo that way.. Im a beautiful girl, well educated, belong to a good family but this stupid marriage process is giving me stress. I have 5 brothers who don’t  help me at all. They are busy in their own lives. My father is aged man & he can only resort to & take help from these bureaus & newspapers for seeking my proposals. My parents are really worried & they want me to give away my photo to these bureaus & to middle men who look for matches all around the city.. Im afraid my hijab will have no purpose because im looking beautiful in the photo.. And I don’t have any other option left.. What do I do? Marriage is a provision from ALLAH & I believe ALLAH will grant me the best as HE subhanahu watala has always been merciful to me. ALLAH gave me more than I deserve always. Alhamdulilah. I believe & have 100% hope in ALLAH. Im not really interested in Marriage & it’s responsibilities... I just want to marry to please ALLAH & to make my parents happy.. & I want to complete half of my deen.. Is there any way to do it Halal way... I don’t want to do unislamic stuff or hurt my feelings in this process.. MAY ALLAH MAKE IT EASY FOR ME... Hope you answer the question. JazakAllahu kairan kaseera..

And another thing is I  know marriage is destined. It happens in its fixed time. But I heard somewhere that it is like a provision. The way we have to work, earn money, buy things & cook food to eat & maintain a healthy life similarly we have to search, work on ourselves & choose a good partners for marriage.. We have been given a choice.. Im confused should i just sit ideally & make dua for my man to come & marry me or should i search for him. My parents are too old & I cannot find any Halal means to find a guy. What do I do? Basically I don't attend lots of parties & im an introvert & anti social... Im pretty sure some of our neighbours might not know I exist.. lol  Iam always at home, studying Islam. I was a medical student. Due to financial situations i cannot continue my masters. So these days iam only at home doing my own things.

But while In university I got a lot of male attention, few of them were nice guys who liked me & wanted to talk to me but I was rude to them out of immaturity (I know it's haraam to talk to non-mehrams & have relationships before marriage  but i was really rude which made them scared of me) They tried contacting me on Facebook after we graduated  but I blocked them & one of the common friends told me that I have hurt 2 of them badly & they were actually interested in me. At that time I thought my brothers & dad will search a guy for me & I shouldn't be searching myself. It's a taboo here for a girl to seek herself a partner.

Now after a year when my parents started finding proposals basically they gave adds in newspaper & i was heart broken.. I never imagined my brothers will leave me like that.. I was always in this bubble where i thought after graduating, my brothers will hook me up with one of their friends or someone they know without any fuss, because i heard them talking about it. they have good friends.  but bubble popped & i was left heartbroken because the people whom my father call home to see me are not at all good. They ask dowry & are ajeeb on so many levels. My parents are extremely worried & I just cannot bear to see them like that..

I regret not talking to those boys in uni.  Because they were far better than the proposals im getting from those adds. Is there any way to get out of this cage. Iam really in bad state. It's stressful . it's not easy...

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  1. As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister
    In shaa Allah this article will help. Your father is your Wali so do let him know you're interested in getting married, if you have brothers or uncles let them know. Your local Imam can also help or give good advice. Purify your intentions, continue to seek Allah's guidance, fast if desires are getting to bad. May Allah bless you with a righteous husband who follows Qur'an and Sunnah, kind, patient, gentle and strong. Who will help you to the Jannah.Ameen!

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    Hadiths: The Marriage Process In Islam

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    Hadiths: The Marriage Process in Islam
    by Shaad Ahmed

    Before Marrying

    Selecting a Spouse:

    The first thing we should look for when marrying is how committed the person is to Islam. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. ” (Muslim) And he said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. “(Bukhari) And he said, “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. ” (Muslim)

    The same holds true when looking for a husband, as the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. ” (Tirmidhi)

    Of course, both parties have to agree to marry one another and they can not be forced to marry one another . The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “A woman whom has been previously married has more right concerning herself than her guardian, and a virgin’s consent must be asked about herself…” (Bukhari and Muslim)

    Rules of Al-Khutbah (Request to marry a woman and the acceptance of the proposal)

    The man has permission to see her face before agreeing to marry as the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help your time together to be strengthened. ” ( Ahmad )

    After a man and woman have agreed to marry, they have to remember that the man is still not her mahram (men prohibited to her, including her father, brothers, sons, maternal and paternal uncles, and nephews). This means they can not still deal with one another as partners in any way (such as shaking hands, gazing at one another, being alone together, going out together, etc.), or go out with one another as we see people in the west doing. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not have a private audience with a woman without her mahram. ” ( Ahmad )
    The Wedding Ceremony (Nikaah)

    Components

    1 – Consent: ‘Aishah(R) asked Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) if women must be asked for their permission of marriage. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) replied, “Yes. ” She said, ‘The virgin is asked for her permission but she gets shy. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Her silence is her permission. ” (Bukhari and Muslim)

    2 – The Wallee (Woman’s Guardian): Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “There is no nikaah except with a wallee. ” ( Ahmad , Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi)

    3 – Two Witnesses: Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “There is no marriage except with a wallee and trustworthy witnesses. ” (Sahih- Bayhaqee) Also, “There is no marriage except with a wallee and two witnesses. ” (Sahih Al-Jaami’)

    4 – The Mahr (Dowry): Allah says (what means): “And give to the women their dowry with a good heart, but if they out of their own good pleasure remit any part of it to you, take it and enjoy it without fear of any harm. ” (Al-Nisa4:4) The mahr can be of any amount, Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Look for one even if it was an iron ring. ” (Bukhari and Muslim)

    The woman is not obliged to give the man anything at the time of the wedding, as is done in some cultures.

    Acts to be Avoided

    We should be careful to not act as the disbelievers do regarding their mixing of men and women, wearing tuxedos and white wedding gowns, exchanging rings, kissing in public, etc. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Whoever resembles a people is one of them. ” (Abu Dawood)

    After the Wedding

    Supporting One’s Wife

    The man is responsible for providing for his wife, as Allah says (what means), “Let the wealthy man spend according to his means; and let the man whose provisions are restricted spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden a soul beyond what He has given it, and Allah will grant ease after a hardship. ” (Al-Talaq65:7)

    Islam even gives women the right to take secretly money from their husbands if the husbands are not providing for them. Hind, the wife of Abu Sufyan, came to Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man and does not give me and my children enough provisions except when I take something from him with out his knowledge. ” Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “Take what is reasonably sufficient for you and your children. ” (Bukhari and Muslim)

    Educating One’s Family

    Since the man has put in the position of providing for his family, he must also provide them with the proper Islamic education to keep them from the hellfire. Allah says (what means), “O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones (that were worshipped), over it are appointed angels stern and severe, who disobey not the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded. ” (Al-Tahrim66:6)

    Both the husband and wife should make sure their home is a place where Allah is remembered and His Commandments are reflected and acted upon. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “The similitude of a home in which Allah is remembered and a home in which He is not is like the living and the dead. ” (Muslim)

    The Wife Obeying Her Husband

    A woman must obey her husband as long as he does not tell her to perform any haraam(unlawful) acts. Allah says (what means), “…the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in absence what Allah would have then guard. ” (Al-Nisa4:34)

    Kind Treatment To One’s Wife

    Just because Allah has given men a position of authority does not give them the right to abuse it. They have to treat their wives in the best manner. Allah says (what means), “Live with them honorably. ” (Al-Nisa4:19) Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) said, “The believer with the most complete faith is the one with the best character, and the best of them are those whom treat their women the best. ” (Tirmidhi)

    We can see from the seerah (biography) of Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi was sallam) that he would help his wives with housework and would engage in games with them as well.

    This article did not cover all the aspects of marriage, but it is hoped it was beneficial. Anything good in this article is from Allah and anything incorrect is from myself

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