My mum betrayed us and my husband is cursing her
Asalaam,
Im really confused i need some advice, my mum and my husband use 2 get a long so much, but now they can´t stand each other.
In 2006 my husband and me couldn´t afford to pay the morgage and decided to sell the house to her and my little brother because he was working,We were getting an offer from my husband friend for £48,000 at the time but decided to give it to my mum for £41,000 because she made a promise that whenever we could afford to buy it back she would give it for £50,000,After 1 year we were finacially stable and asked my mum for the house back, and she refused and told us to look for another house, my husband went mad and started threatening them saying they broke their promise after begging them.
My mum said she would agree to give us the house back for £68,000 he´s very dissapointed that she made a profit and decided to go a head with it,Because of my mum being 1 door away and shops surrounding us, but after buying it my husbands stared hating her saying she made a profit from her daughter and has told everyone about it,I´m so upset he doesn´t want to see my mum coming around and doesn´t allow the kids to go there and is always cursing her saying she ruined his life and kids future by taking all the money,My mum thinks there´s nothing wrong with it and says it was a bussiness and the bank gave her the money and not us,And my husband says we´re paying back the mortgage and it´s so high he has to work 6 to 6 to keep the income coming,I said to my husband let´s move but he says we cant even afford to sell the place because of the money overcharged i don´t know what to do, everybody in the family thinks ´i should take my kids there but my husband has told me if they go there we´re finished and i can only go there on my own,He says my mum isn´t allowed in my house or allowed in the car i feel bad,I wanna run away i cant even stay in the same house or move it´s destroying my life and giving my depression please help....
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Based on quotes from Hadith, there is no doubt your mother comes second when you marry your husband. He comes first, but that doesn't mean you don't place your mother high up the ladder.
If what I have read is correct, then your mother made a promise and broke it. She has lied and caused the mayhem, not your husband. Personally I don't see any wrong in what the husband is doing, he's been let down by his mother in law and he's now being let down by his wife, who still chooses to think her mother is not to blame.
YOur mother's behaviour is the root cause of this problem, her evil lying and deceit is enough to make you quiver in disappointment. Her greed and her making profit reminds me of a woman in my family. THat woman now has no friends and most of the family do not want her to attend weddings and engagement meetings. You stick by your husband as ALlah has commanded through the Prophet or you go run home to your mother knowing that you've chosen the liar who does not accept that she is to blame. Choice is yours.
If your husband stops his children from meeting up with a promise breaker/liar like your mother, he's doing the right thing, it's in their best interests.
John,
I disagree completely. How can you make it seem that its ok to break ties with your mother - even in Ramadan? Even if our mothers are kaafir, we must be good to them: take them to their place of worship, be that a church or a hindu temple, but don't say even 'uff'. If your mother raises her hand to you, protect yourself definitely, but do not hit back or be rude. If this sister's mother has broken a promise - that is a very shameful thing and she will be held accountable for that infront of Allah. If her husband doesnt feel happy to visit her - fine. But he cannot stop her from meeting her own mother or make her feel guilty for wanting to do so. It seems that the sister is sympathisizing with her husband but she is being put in a testing position. She should not be made to feel as though she has to choose between her mother or husband - that is ridiculous.
My advice to her husband would be: your mother in law has done wrong by lying and she will be held accountable by Allah. But its better to forgive her and ask Allah to forgive her for she has wronged her own soul through her actions. Do you really want to break such important relations over money? Its really not worth it. Let this experience be a lesson for you so that in future you are wary about whom you trade with and be sure to make contracts.
To the sister: show your husband sympathy and acknowledge what has happened, as he has been wronged (if what you are saying is true). At the same time, explain to him that no matter what has happened, you cannot break relations with your mother, this is very sinful. Don't push him to forgive just yet as clearly the wound is still very sore. Maybe when some time has passed, help him to see that if your mother has wronged him, she has wronged her own soul and for the sake of maintaining family ties, he needs to try and forgive in order to move on as we will all be held accountable for not maintaining family ties. Money is material - Allah will replace these things, but not mothers and family.
May Allah soften his heart, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You make it sound like this is a tiny little thing what the mother is doing.
Just to put it into perspective for you. I'm 25 and earn the average slary for a young man in the UK, I don't think I'll ever own a house belonging to myself in my lifetime. That is the scale of the kind of financial turmoil the mother has put their daughter and son in law into.
It's very easy for you to say he should forgive her but how would you feel and be honest about it, if someone took away the opportunity for you to have yoru own home. Some place to legal have as your own brought by your own money, but then someone close to you, as close as your mother in law, to snatch it away.
I'm afraid SizterZ, you're making this whole scenario seem like it's nothing. But I'll tell you, owning your own house, working towards it, takes A LOT OF effort and what this mother has done is a great great crime. Personally, I'm surprised the man has shown such kindness and patience already towards her, I know a lot of other men, including myself, who'd have not been so kind and patient and we'd be well within our rights.
You also say he shouldn't keep the wife away from the mother, to try and keep family ties in place, wouldn't it be even better and perhaps more soothing for his heart, if he gave back the daughter, divorced her and then moved on and married in a family with honour and respect, one which will treat him with the respect for the hardk work he puts in?
I actually shake my head in disgust, is this how shallow people are? How greedy they are?
It's best to stay away from such greedy people.
While the 'mother in law' has behaved extremely shallow, why should her daughter be punished?
I appreciate it is very hard to own a house these days and what this woman has done is maybe rob her son in law and daughter of this comfort; but the answer does not lie in divorcing and cutting off ties. The mother in law has made enough mischief, why add to it with more fitnah? It'd be more soothing to the soul to let it go. When something is beyond one's control, its best to do sabr and hope for Allah's reward. The mother in law will be accountable for her actions as we all will. I pray for Allah's Mercy for us all - none of us is guilt free or flawless.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister, I just re-read your post.
It appears that your husband is allowing you to see your mother, but he just doesnt want her in his house. If you want your family relations to ever improve, I think you need to show your husband a bit more understanding, after all your mother is the one who has wronged him greatly.
The main thing is that you see your mother. If your husband has a problem with his in laws - leave him be and dont push him or wind him up. Support him in what he does, as he has the pressure of earning for you and your children, putting the food on the table and paying the bills. This will calm him abit - inshaAllah with time, his heart will soften.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I completely agree John .
Hmm, of course.
Two peas in a pod.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"If your mother raises her hand to you, protect yourself definitely,"
actually if your mother tries to hit you, it would be better to say stay still as she will get satisfied after hitting you and you will get great great reward for her satisfaction
and besides, the hit of an old mother wont do you much harm anyway.
'actually if your mother tries to hit you, it would be better to say stay still as she will get satisfied after hitting you and you will get great great reward for her satisfaction'
Abu az-Zubayr - how ridiculous, what kind of twisted thinking is this? The mother will also get great great punishment for hitting her child unjustly. Do you have any idea how degrading it must feel for a child to be hit by their parent unjustly?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I also agree with John. The mother did steal from her own daughter, her son and her grandchildren. She had to know doing what she was doing would put a strain in their relationship. What kind of mother would try to make such a huge profit from their own child. It's disgusting! If it was my mother, I would have cut ties.
Frustrating as the mother's behaviour has been, cutting ties is not the Islamic way at all.
If a mother commits shirk, we still are not permitted to cut ties or even be rude. Something for you to think about.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
cutting ties is never acceptable, no matter what the mother did, but it is understandable.
Sister Shaina
You have read male's perspective on the matter which gives you further insight on what your husband Maybe thinking. It appears to me that he has been quite patient in light of the circumstance if similar thoughts are crossing his mind he hasnt voiced them to you.....yet.
It is obvious that your mother has been dishonest and made a silly profit at the expense of your marriage and stabillity which is absolutely wrong and unwise as a mother to jepordise her daughters happiness and marriage for a gain that wont financially benifit her in dunya nor save her soul in akhera.
1-I would strongly advise you to find a way to respectfully morally sanction your mother into returning your husbands money. Tell her that MAY end you up in divorce and although it can be technically classified as emotional blackmail and tweaking of facts, but you are essentially the ONLY mediator in this conflict and you must do what you can to make amends and make them quick. When you contact her for negotiations for the sake of your husbands feelings don't do it openly to feel that you havent taken sides, yet at the same time pressure her into guilt that she has made you pay the 10,000 or whatever for a pending divorce.
Cry, lament show sorrow and hopefully her mothers heart will realise that she may end up with a divorced daughter because of her greed.
2-Also look up hadith and quran, ask your local imam for referance and remind her that what she has done IS SINFUL, it is without a doubt stealing, she gave you her word and she is bound to it in front of ALLAH. Make her, or remind her to fear Allah. Get the imam to speak to her too if you have too (or if she knows him)
3-Do this as much as you can, start to pretend your preparing to move in with her, say things like you need her to free rooms for you and your children and make it appear that you will be taking up most of the house.
This part of the plan may back fire if she is the type of (sorry to say) selfish moms that would love to have you at home and not see you happily married. I say this because ive seen ALOT of mothers sabotage their kids marriages to have them divorced or never married and to keep them back home with them.
I say this because you havent mentioned your father so she doesnt have anyone to preoccupy her and she maybe lonely, and secondly because what she did was a huge risk on the stability of her daughter, no mother in her right mind that wants to keep her daughter happy would do this UNLESS they are deliberately sabotaging thier daughters marriage - THIS i have seen alot of too! So maybe 3 is what she wants to be careful.
So stick with 1 & 2 and be persistent with the saddness, i mean really falling apart to make her feel sorry for you, tell her you love your husband and she is ruining your life, but say it with a low voice and RESPECTFULLY....shes says it was a buisness , so you have to do what it takes i guess.
If your kids are old enough or understand whats going on then get them to make her feel guilty RESPECTFULLY too....the key is NEVER to cross the boundaries of respect and care, let it be HER idea to give the money back. If you have and uncle, an aunt, let them help you too. keep reminding her the money isnt worth YOUR MARRIAGE. I hope it will be a wake up call Allah yahdeeha.
And also just as important be VERY considerate of your husbands feelings, he WAS betrayed by your mom, and if he wasnt a good man he would have taken in out on you but he is obviously decent so keep his back and work hard at getting the funds back.
Sorry but when your dealing in rebah and mortgage then their will be no khayr at all. and their is no such thing as a halal mortgage.
I haven't read this whole thread, but I noticed your comment and I just wanted to say that actually there are Islamic banks that offer halal mortgages with no interest. It's quite common in the UK and can be found in many other nations as well.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother wael their's a big debate going on about halal mortgages in the uk, if you want a house for $£250.000 the islamic bank will my it for you and the charge you $£300.000 or more over the next 20years i heard this is wrong and just as bad as a mortgage for other banks. Allahu yalam
And the money they are using to buy the homes does not belong to the islamic bank but the investor.
There's nothing wrong with selling something for a profit. Every single business in the world does that.
The important distinction between a halal mortgage and ribaa is that with a halal mortgage the price is fixed and you know exactly how much you are paying. This is quite unlike interest-based loans where the final price (with interest included) is never disclosed, and is often as much as three times the sticker price. Even worse, if a person pays the interest only, and makes no payments on the principal, he could pay for ten years and still own no equity in the home.
And yes, the money belongs to investors. That is the Islamic way. Instead of an interest-based economy, Islam advocates an investment-based economy that puts money to work, and in which every party has a stake in the success or failure of the investment.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
True brother but Who are the investors and where does their money come from, yes it is a fixed rate, say each month you pay £900 and 10% interest on a fixed rate mortgage from a normal bank, with the islamic bank you do the same thing £900 month and the 10% you pay is called rent and its fixed so your paying rent on your home every month insted of interest, just a name change from interest to rent, a few people i no who did this regret getting in to this, it reminds me of that story about beni israel when they were told not to work on the sabbeth so the fisher men put their nets out the day before to catch the fish so technically they did not work, it sames like their is a trick by changing interest to rent, Allah hu yalam but i would tell my muslim brothers and sister to avoid this if they can it is not clear cut so best to take your hands off things that are not clear.
Asalamoalaikum,
I just wanted to add something I heard when I attended an Islamic lecture in my local mosque a few months a go. There were a few sheikhs giving lectures on different topics and one of them said: "Allah swt states that those who break family ties (relations) will never enter Jannah". He gave an example of a brother he knows in UK whose brother took 300 pounds from him and never returned it. As a result, the brother stopping talking to him for 12 years—and even today they do not converse.
I'm not advocating whose right or wrong in this situation, mashAllah some excellent advice has been given from 2 entirely different perspectives but I just wanted to mention what I heard—it made me shiver as I want to be the last person to ever break family times and as a result not be able to enter jannat. Clearly, the houses in jannat will be much larger, beautiful, comfortable and lavishing than the houses we are craving to purchase in this world—many of which have riba attached to them thus making them haram to purchase anyways (unless you have enough money to invest in the entire down payment).
-Helping Sister
Dear Helping Sister,
Thank you for your words, indeed the houses in Jannah will be much more beautiful and comfortable and those are the ones we need to be competing for! Perhaps the man who has been wronged in this situation has a chance of being granted such a beautiful abode in Jannah by being patient, forgiving and by maintaining family ties. InshaAllah his heart will be softened, aameen!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ameen to your du'aa dear sis! 🙂
-Helping Sister
it made me shiver as I want to be the last person to ever break family times and as a result not be able to enter jannat
I was trying to find a religious authentication for the above post and here it is
Jubair b. Mutlim reported that his father narrated to him that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said:
The severer of the tie of kinship would not get into Paradise.
{Book 32, Chapter 4, Number 6200: Sahih Muslim}
Sometimes, Sisterz advice is highly impractical but here I would make an exception because of our religion .
I would suggest that the husband should keep minimum communication with his in laws , in this way he will not commit sin as he is not severing the relationship , only keeping it low . He must definitely refrain from getting highly involved . He must also make sure that his family is also behaving in the same manner .
Regarding the wife's behavior ,
It is clear that the obligation of every Muslim toward their parents is very great just as the obligation of a Muslim wife to respect and obey her husband is very great. Parents should be aware that they have entered their daughter into a contract which requires her to obey her husband. Likewise, husbands should be aware of the fact that their wives have a great obligation toward their parents. When these two come into conflict, someone is probably not acting properly.
When the two do come into conflict, it seems clear that the strongest opinion is that the rights of the husband take precedence over the rights of her parents, as in the following hadith from Aisha:
"I asked the Prophet (sas): Who has the greatest right over a woman? He (sas) said: Her husband. I said: And who has the greatest right over a man? He (sas) saiid: His mother."
In this case as the mother is guilty , the wife must support her husband .
"Sometimes, Sisterz advice is highly impractical"...
It's not necessary to insert snarky comments like this. Show some respect for the Editors on this website. If you disagree on a particular issue then express it, but these kinds of broad criticisms are not helpful.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I personally feel the moderators and editors of the site, give unreal advice. Wael, SisterZ and Maria M all paint a much easier and more pleasant picture of the scenarios encountered than they actually are.
Most of the advice givers have not suffered first hand the way the advice seekers have, so it's very easy to give these talks. But the question is, and it's quite an important one, how would you really feel if you were put in their shoes. Yes we preach forgiveness and mercy, but how can you preach it when you don't know what they're going through, the anger, resentment and hatred inside these people?
That is why I think we need people like me, people who give strict replies. The other day one of my perfectly acceptable replies was removed probably for this same reason, but I saw no wrong in it.
The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows, it isn't all smiles and laughter, it's a mean and horrible place and the people are what makes it like that.
It's all nice to say to the husband in this situation show patience and kindness to your mother in law, why should he? Is it a crime to not want to speak to someone who's cheated or lied to you? If a husband/wife lies/cheats their spouse everyone says move on as they don't have respect for you, but then you say they should forgive others?
I for one will not give unreal advice, because it's very unrealistic to think this man will forgive his mother in law unless she weeps for her sins in front of him and asks for his forgiveness. Someone said two brothers ended up fighting over £300 and not speaking for 12 years, what they fail to actually address is the matter of your loved one betraying you, if your most dear and closest relatives and people betray you, then who do you trust?
John,
SubhanAllah, how easily you make judgments of people you don't know. So you think we moderators have had an easy time and our lives are all rainbows? What a laugh. I personally have been through some of the worst hardships in life, I have seen the worst that people can do to each other, and I have been painfully betrayed by people close to me.
And I think I can speak for the other editors you mentioned and say that they have not been coasting along on easy street either.
You're right, the world is full of mean and horrible people, and the last thing I want to do is join their ranks. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to return anger with anger, and hatred with hatred. This is not naivete on my part. This is a conscious decision I make about how I want to live my life. I don't want to become bitter, holding grudges and resentments, angry all the time, feeling like I have to battle the rest of humanity. That is no way to live.
I would rather forgive, because that is the path that leads to self-redemption, inner peace and happiness. Forgiveness is what Allah has taught us in the Quran. As the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "Whoever shows no mercy, will be shown no mercy." This is both a statement of how Allah approaches His servants, and a description of a universal reality.
All those who have betrayed me, I have forgiven them (except one). I forgive them because I do not want to be an angry, bitter person. It's much easier to forgive, and live peacefully. That doesn't mean that I will trust them again - the believer does not make the same mistake twice - but I hold no grudges and I communicate with them freely, and if they ever came to visit they would be welcomed as guests. As for the one I have not forgiven, his crime was not committed against me but against someone close to me, so it's not for me to forgive.
Have you ever heard it said that nothing good in life comes easy? That you have to work for the things that matter? I believe this to be true. And the fact is that responding to bad treatment with anger or resentment is easy. It is the cheap, easy response. Forgiveness is much harder. That's why the Prophet (pbuh) said that the strong man is not the one who overcomes others with his strength, but the one who controls his temper. Restraint and forgiveness take work. It is a spiritual struggle, but it's worth it because it's so much better for our souls.
Think deeply about how you want to live your life, what you want to teach your children, and where happiness lies. Think about what you want to bring before Allah, and how you hope to be treated by Him.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think the point John is trying to make is that , we all are humans which include the moderators (of course) . We are liable to make mistakes . Sometimes , (with all due respect ) even the moderators might make a mistake . This doesn't mean we hate/ dislike them or are accusing them of anything .
However , most of the time , I understand why the mods of this site reply in such manner . They are here to console people and give them hope which is a beautiful thing to do .Having said that , sometimes it is better acknowledge a 180 degree viewpoint , as it might be more suitable to the situation .
As salamu alaykum, brother John,
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts, I always appreciated, I always learn with your way of looking at things, Alhamdulillah.
What I really can say listening at your words is that certainly you haven´t been in their shoes and I tell you why I know this, because your advice is hate, don´t forgive, keep yourself sour and bitter against anyone that fails you, look for revenge.... you know where it will take you, directly to sickness and to be for real a bitter and dark man, far away from your deen and firmly attached to this dunya, you have no idea of what I have gone through in my life, but you know what the people that I talk to that had gone through suffering listen to my words, you know why because they feel I understand the process that they are going through, Alhamdulillah, and this people sees my Heart, they don´t have the need of knowing which my experience of life is, they know through my words I am honest, Alhamdulillah.... I am not good at the eyes of everyone, what I don´t pretend to be, but I try my best, and when the situation is too overwhelming, I continue trying my best if not with my advice, with my prayers, ......You can judge me and test me once and again, but I am just a human being trying her best, Alhamdulillah, the same I suppose you are trying everyday,
When I talk about rainbows or sunshine, I do mean it, and that you can call it hope, hope is necessary to keep going, to wake up every morning, to get up of bed, to wash yourself, to eat, to take care of yourself and the others, to go to work, ....... and the smiles, I never said laughter, change the colour of the cristal of your glasses, I feel sad and happy at the same time when I have to explain you these things, sad because I see nobody took the time to teach you how to enjoy being alive and happy because you doubt and ask about it, that means someway you are thinking about it, Alhamdulillah.
Brother the message here is that our spouse, or inlaws or whoever, they are helping us to learn and be better from Heart, the brother here has to forgive her mother in law, yes, no way out of forgiveness without the need of her coming to him, if she comes good if she doesn´t her problem, but he has to solve it in his Heart to be able to be in Peace, other thing is that he should remember not to trust her or anyone else about money without a legal contract that shows their commitment and then he would be able to ask for what they signed, what this post is doing is teaching people on how to do the right thing, not to be naive, doesn´t matter is your mother, your brother or your best friend, bussiness, money on general has to be treated with legal documents, you know more about this than me probably.
Then why don´t we just learn the spiritual lesson, forgiving, and learn the physical lesson, follow the legal procedure with everyone, cover your back, nothing wrong with it and the best to avoid conflicts and if the other side complains then don´t do bussiness with them, they are showing they are not being transparent.
Generally, I like your posts, but when they are about situations you have no idea, you just answer as the young man you are, the world is not just an horrible place, I am afraid your world it is, and the people that surrounds you are and that makes me suffer, you need to learn about beauty, warmth, hope, forgiveness, compassion, mercy, ... May Allah(swt) awakes in you all this qualities and ease the suffering you are feeling in your world. Ameen.
Life is full of struggles for everyone, but we choose our direction, we may fall many times, and sometimes will be a bit harder than other to get up, but I find my strength to get up only relying on Allah(swt) that is my choice, knowing, that it is His choice not really mine. You know this as well as I do, Alhamdulillah.
John, have you thought about changing your job? what would you consider a challenge for you? would you try to dress differently? Or a different cut of hair? do you tell your mum how much you love her, have you shown her recently how much you love her? have you hugged your younger brother lately? do you show your gratitude to your mum and dad for all what they have done for you? You carry a lot of weight on your shoulders, why? I don´t need any answers. This is just for you.
My world is full of marvellous people, masha´Allah, but that doesn´t mean none of us are perfect, I love them with their imperfections, I see their limits and I don´t ask for more that they can give, and they love me with my imperfections, and that is all I ask for. Reality is reality wherever you look at, a war is a war, a rape is a rape, a betrayal is a betrayal, a murder is a murder,.... but Allah(swt) has given us the tools to live in this world and to deal with darkness and evil, and the direction to look at when we feel lost, scared, betrayed, hurted, wounded, .... then what I see that most of the people that advise on this site do(me included) is to redirect people in need to Allah(swt) through the tools He(swt) has blesses us with, Alhamdulillah.
I love you for Allah´s sake and I do send you my biggest smile from Heart to you. Take care my young brother, and I will try my best to make of this world a better place for you and everyone, Insha´Allah.( a friend of mine always tells me when I say this, "In proportion", Yes my proportion will go in that direction, Insha´Allah). May God(swt) bless you and everyone around you. Ameen.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamu alaikum.
I was sad to read your comment, it is not good to assume things. Each person has their own individual tests, and we do not know what each person is going through. Only Allah swt knows this. We are all tested but maybe it is better to focus on the rainbow and the sunshine rather than the negative aspects of life. Life is hard and if we did not look to the small good things we would fall.
Also with respect to forgiveness, no one said it was easy. It is a struggle I know I struggle hugely to forgive others but it is important. Holding hatred and grudges for another in our heart doesn't harm the hated, it harms the hater. For this reason I really pity those who hold grudges. By holding onto such feelings were are hurting ourselves more than anyone - physically, emotionally and spiritually. It ruins our health and causes us to become bitter and full of anger. Isn't it better to strive to forgive the person and accept that Allah swt is the Most Just and the person will most certainly have to answer to Him. More importantly we should do so expecting and hoping for His immense reward!
So yes sometimes our advice may seem a little idealistic and easier said than done - but following the right path and making good choices is always harder. Also, familiy ties are important and we must advise based on Qur''an and Sunnah. It would be wrong of us to advise a person otherwise.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"Yes we preach forgiveness and mercy, but how can you preach it when you don't know what they're going through, the anger, resentment and hatred inside these people"
yes, but that is where that most important word in the dictionary comes in, you T.R.Y to forgive, and Allaah to give you tawfeeeq.
it doesnt matter what the mother did, whether she did not teach the child the Qur'aan when it were young, beat the child saverely, put burden upon the child as a child, or even in the worst most disgusting senario ever possible, whether she made the child a ******, *****, illegitimate child ['iyaathanbillaah], if she has made tawbah and has become a believer, then the child should try to forgive her.
Abu Az-Zubayr,
I have deleted two swear words you included in your comment. Quit with the bad language.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Whoever shows no mercy, will be shown no mercy Subhhan'Allah may Allah (swt) make us the ones who forgive first, salam first, smile first, and never to hold hate in are hearts, Ameen.
Although Islam undoubtedly encourages forgiveness & mercy, but it also understands that 'ilaáfou a'and almaghfera' - forgive...IF...you can.
The big IF is because sometimes we cant forgive when we have been atrociously wronged (not applicable to the proposed problem) Allah is all merciful, we are only humans and when we are hurt or deeply betrayed it is sometimes near impossible to forgive nor forget.
Even in the Quraan [64:14] O you who believe, your spouses and your children can be your enemies; beware. If you pardon, forget, and forgive, then GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful.
Again .... the IF, we pardon. Not you MUST pardon.
For those who are THAT hurt, Allah who made us understands our emotions and OUR RIGHTS and thus has prescribed "wal kathimeen alghayth" ( I believe in Surah al-tawbah Allahu aálam)
In the Quran it describes "Those who control their anger"....it stands testament that anger doesnt go, knowing full and well our limitations when wronged and OUR RIGHT to be angry, therefore Allah asked us to conceal it which is a virtue.
If one is able to forgive then as described its a virtue, but if not Allah made us and doesnt expect us to be all forgiving angels, we are promised justice, So its quite ok to be mad and not forgive.
But for those who can, power to them.
As salamu alaykum, Sister I Submit to Allah,
Forgiveness normally comes together with a lot of suffering, tears, dissapointment and wounds of all sizes, it is fine to get annoyed, dissapointed, mad, ....we are humans and that is all inside of what we are supposed to feel after a betrayal before submiting to Allah(swt) looking for help to be able to forgive and to be forgiven, but if we mantain ourselves in those feelings of hatred our Heart becomes hard and dark, nobody wants that in consciousness for an unlimited time, when the time is right, Allah(swt) guides us to look for help, to return to Him(swt) to soften our Hearts, to be able to forgive, Alhamdulillah. Forgiveness is a path for healing, sooner or later, all of us experience the need of forgiving, may Allah (swt) soften our Hearts and help and guides us to forgiveness. Ameen.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If someone killed your child would you expect the mother to forgive?
As salamu alaykum, Sister I Submit to Allah,
I don´t expect anything from anyone, everyone can choose if they want to struggle to forgive or not, I respect the same those that choose to do it as those that choose not to do it, I can put myself in their shoes and understand and acknowledge their grief, I am none to tell you, you must forgive, if you don´t want to do it, you are the only one living your life, if Allah(swt) respects your choices who I am not to respect them.
I hope you understand that I am giving my opinion based on my experience and choices in life and I am the last one of the queue to tell anyone to do what they are not ready to do, then please I respect, you choose, I choose and the rest of the world choose surrounded by our circumstances, under such terrible circumstances, under such a terrible pain, I can understand perfectly that a hard heart can stop you from going crazy of pain, you don´t want to feel, then when the wound is so open and bleeding what I can do is just ask Allah to accept my prayers for those in such terrible suffering, Insha´Allah.
I believe eyes blinded that only Allah (swt) has the power to release suffering from us, and that He(swt) is the only One that save us from losing our mental health when we go through very traumatic situations. Our mind has many mechanisms to deal with strong emotions, to mantain our health, ....the only thing I can say is that when someone writes here is already trying to find answers, sharing their grief, with others that are there by choice to give comfort and the best that their Heart have to share, Alhamdulillah. That we commit mistakes in our ignorance, yes we all do, but I acknowledge that the majority of the people that is on this site are people with soft Heart that wants to heal or help others in their path to healing, following Islam, the best we know, Insha´Allah.
Sister I Submit to Allah, because we don´t talk about our experiences, that doesn´t give you the right to be judgemental with the rest of us, you can share with us your knowledge and we will learn from you, but don´t have the need to be harsh on others, you are suffering and we acknowledge your suffering and the suffering of those that you mention, but we are just human beings, that have our own struggles and swallow them to be here for others, ....we don´t know it.
Allah(swt) knows best
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Maria
You are a very compassionate giving person and you stand out like a lantern. It wasnt me who said you dont have your fair share of woes. That was another poster.
My response was directed to another poster whom I addressed directly.
To you, when you advocated forgiveness, i simply put forth a real life example of a mother loosing her baby to her husbands force and I brought an aya from the Quran portraying how family can (in such unfortunate cases) be classified as enemies.
Allah has chosen the word ENEMY - ADOU - to describe these people.
What we should learn from this is NOT to become bad people and do this ourselves, because sometimes people whom are oppressed become oppressors.
Somethings cannot be forgiven or forgotten.
This is why Allah compensates us in the afterlife and part of that compensation is to see the one who has wronged your punished. Not my will, this is Allahs.
It has nothing to do with having a hard or soft heart. Its about choices and the repercussions. Allah tests everyone in everything and when humans make decisions that irreparably harm
You know how just Allah is? Even with animals, if a horned goat butts an unhorned goat on the day of judgement the previously unhorned goat is given horns to take HAQQA ( his right and justice) from the previously horned goat. Then they turn to dust.
We have ever living souls, Allah gave us the examples of animals on the day of Judgment why do you think?
To ease our hearts in knowing that one of Allahs 99 names is ALMUNTAQIM - The avenger.
For a mother whos child was killed by its own fathers wishes, or a girl who was raped by her uncle or one of the example i cited below or the many many other transgressions people CHOSE to do against each other. They have every right to not forgive
IF Allah swt recognises and accepts and promises vengeance, and classified these people as enemies, dont you think that showing a little more compassion towards these people in pain by reminding them that Allah will avenge their grave sadness at the hands of others if not in this life then in the afterlife will make them feel better too.
Salaam, my beloved Sister,
I have seen revenge happening in front of me, someone was in deep pain and wished revenge, the other person has paid for all damaged done, with their own pain and the pain of their kids, when I saw this I said to myself, my Lord(swt) Insha´Allah, never will come out from my thought, word or act something that could damage other human being if I am conscious of it and please help me not to do it unconsciously, Yours is the power to make Justice, not mine, masha´Allah.
Later, I caught my brother´s car and I was going to get out of the parking, I didn´t know why, but I just stopped myself and came out of the car, behind the car, there was a two years old driving one of those little children´s cars, I was in shock, I couldn´t see him, he was too little and I didn´t listen to him either, I took the baby to the mother, I had no words to thank God(swt) I was saved from hurting the baby, I looked for the mother, she was quite far talking to a friend, I was shaking all my body, I told her, please don´t let your child on the road, it could happened a disgrace, God saved me and the baby, and the family of both of us of a huge suffering, Alhamdulillah, Í returned to the car and I cryed for a while, and I thought, my Lord thank you for forgiving me for all the wrong doing I´ve done, thank you for your mercy on me, thank you for saving all of us from desperation and the cruel grief that could had happened, this happened many years ago and I still shake when I remember it.
At that time, I understood something that went very deep on me, I will be always put on the other´s shoes, but only Allah(swt) will put the limits to what I have to learn and experience, Alhamdulillah.
I deeply acknowledge your suffering, you already know it and you know too how much I appreciate you, I cannot live your process for you, the only thing I can do is to share with you my own experience and try to avoid you more suffering than you already have, but as always that is not in my hands, only Him(swt) can give you and guide you to the Peace you need, may Allah(swt)guides us all to Justice and Peace. Ameen.
Allah(swt)knows best.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have unbearable heartwrenching loss and sadness. Before i was unimaginably hurt and betrayed by my nearest i was always compassionate and alhamdulla I still am.
Even before I was subjected to my now terminal suffering, i was always grounded enough upon hearing about other peoples pain, to realise the rights others had a right to grieve and not forgive, knowing that some things refferd to as Thulm cannot be forgiven.
Only after being subjected to it myself & looking up Allahs words and descriptions of them has it compounded this knowledge.
All i can say is I pray no one (except those who cause it) ever has to go through what I am or others are.
Something literally shatters inside you & dies slowly, you remain compassionate and wish to help others, but for the first time ever in your life does life no longer have any feeling to it asided from worship. Allah himself allows us time to live and time to worship, its that part that used to want to live that dies when your child dies.
It makes you look forward to death not just a release but to bring you closer not just your baby but also to an absolution and justice.
Nothing on earth (wa Allahu a'alam) compares to a mother having her baby killed.
A wife who has had her child execeuted by the family she depended on for protection has every right to NEVER forgive.
Strange how you take that idat from the Quran, about your family can become your enemies, i think its about dont get so attached to dunya and make them your excuse in falling behide in your duty as a muslim, not they your enemy and hate them or dont forgive them, SubhanAllah the Quran is pure but the mind it goes into thats a whole other story i feel sorry for someone who's natural inclination is to hate and not forgive thoses close to that kind of person will find it real hard and as for children they will think its normal behaviour. Allahu Yalam. if i spoke wrong then Allah forgive me.
when a husband forces a wife to abort her baby because of selfish dunya reasons, then that Aya from the quran becomes very valid and it is these types of family that are the worst enemy.
Even in the Quraan [64:14] O you who believe, your spouses and your children can be your enemies; beware. If you pardon, forget, and forgive, then GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful.
People dont know what theyre talking about because they see only one meter infront of them.
Sister zenaa is exactly right. The ayat in question say:
"O you who have believed, indeed, among your wives and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon and overlook and forgive - then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward."
Quran 64:14-15
Here's what Tafsir ibn Kathir, which is one of the great and classical explanations of the Quran, has to say about this:
***
Allah states that some wives and children are enemies to their husbands and fathers, in that they might be busied with them rather than with performing the good deeds. Allah said in another Ayah,
(O you who believe! Let not your properties or you children divert you from the remembrance of Allah. And whosoever does that then they are the losers.) (63:9) Allah the Exalted said here, (therefore, beware of them!) for your religion, according to Ibn Zayd. Mujahid explained the Ayah, (Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you;) by saying, "They might direct the man to sever his relation or disobey his Lord. The man, who loves his wives and children, might obey them in this case.''
Ibn Abi Hatim recorded that Ibn `Abbas said to a man who asked him about this Ayah, (O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you; therefore beware of them!) "There were men who embraced Islam in Makkah and wanted to migrate to Allah's Messenger . However, their wives and children refused to allow them. Later when they joined Allah's Messenger , they found that those who were with him (the Companions) have gained knowledge in the religion, so they were about to punish their wives and children. Allah the Exalted sent down this Ayah, (But if you pardon (them) and overlook, and forgive, then verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.)'' At-Tirmidhi collected this Hadith and said that it is Hasan Sahih.
***
So it does not mean that they are literally enemies. It means that they may distract us from the worship of Allah, so we must be careful of that. However, we should not blame them for this, but should forgive them.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Subhan'Allah how can you read revenge or hate in that iyat the surah is called (Al Taghabun) Mutual Blaming, the very next iyat is , your money and children are a test,and Allah possesses a great recompense. these iyat are about not looking to worldly things and blaming them for your on lack of effort.
Dont go into tafseer simply based on the next aya
Ill remind you that many ayas decribing reward and heaven are followed by ayas describing punishment and hellfire so dont just rush into a customised tafseer unless youre an expert, which humbly i proclaim that im not.
However I speak arabic and the word ADOUWN LAKUM is ENEMY TO YOU, directly referring to spouses and even children.
Adouwun lakkum, is the transliteration
I dont know how youre going to sugar coat the word enemy.
I notice you tend to rush into knee jerk responses and im sorry to say they sometimes are a bit superficial.
And before spring forth and sings hymns of kumbaya in your usual attempts to confetti-ize things again, think about what i said.
I even gave you an example, which you convinently overlooked. What big a difference is that example from other real life examples that happen below if you would be kind enough to shed your pink rimmed glasses and see life outside that 1meter comfort zone you choose to armchair preach from:-
- A family that send their daughter to be taught Quran by her uncle whom rapes her
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2sa5ymA8SE
Are they not enemies?!
-The child who abandon their parents into old age homes, or hospitals, or leave them at home alone feebly as they age. Dont tell me you never heard of that happening, so don't bother saying are they not enemies to their parents, unless you accept that your kids do that to you?!!
- A husband or wife who cheat each other, are they not an enemies?! I don't even want to place you into that scenario knowing how far you blow off on tangents.
-A parent whom denies their offspring their many God given HALAL rights because of dunya illusions, something that happens alot on 'our' societies whereby parents forget that they only own the responsibility to nurture and teach their child not own and control their choices and marriages. Or meddle in them later on...is this not an act of an enemy?!?!
Again what about
-A husband who forced his wife to abort her baby against her will, emposing his will to have their baby ripped out of her body like she and the child are animals and breaking her irripairably because of that. Doesnt that make him a ADOU to his wife?!!
Im done answering you Zeena.
If anyone else thinks otherwise with valid logical explanation that the ayas i have given give wronged muslims everywhere the right to be angry and hurt and choose to not forgive, then fine.
But i have given Quranic quotes and real life examples saying otherwise.
Sister "I Submit to Allah" you chastised the other sister for providing her own tafsir, declared that you are not an expert, then proceeded to give your own tafsir. And you have taken a very aggressive and patronizing tone toward zenaa.
Clearly you are very traumatized by your experience, and angry about it. I see a lot of that anger coming out in your comments to others here. But they do not deserve your anger.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
A husband or wife who cheat each other, are they not an enemies?! I don't even want to place you into that scenario knowing how far you blow off on tangents
Salam brothers and sisters and ramadan moubarek
I am refering to what I submit to Allah said. Brother and sister, I and my children are victims of betrayed by my former husband, believe me when you live with a man thinking that he will never do such evil act and realized one day that he was having an affair behind your children' and your back!!!!!!!!!!! what would be your reaction????? obviously when it come to your honour, the first reaction would be revenge. I am sure that a lot of you would probably disagree with me because your are not in that position. Brother and sister when you spend 14 years of your life with a man and one day he comes and tell you that am off with another woman, again how would you react. dont you think that this person is an enemie. When ALLAH tells you that ceating is a sign of hypocrite. Sister I submit to ALLAH I totally understand where you are comming from and agree with. Forgive me brothers and sister if you don t agree with me but I and my kids are suffering day and night from the humiliation caused by my former husband. Trust me the wound that is in my heart will never heal until I get justice.
and BTW I didnt even mention revenge or hate..
Youre very odd.
sorry sister calm down i will no longer make any comments to you forgive me.
Asalamoalaikum,
Dear brother and sisters, we have all came in this world for one reason: to please Allah swt and achieve jannat inshAllah. This world is full of trials and each one of us has experienced our share of pains. Life isn’t fair and no where did it state in the Quran that it would be.
I think what the editors are trying to convey is that forgiveness is the ideal route to take as it releases one from the constant thoughts of revenge and justice which tends to fuell one’s heart with darkness and inevitably leads to hopelessness when the person we want punished is not being punished (or so we think they are not). In addition, forgiveness is something that comes after some time (sometimes even months and years down the road); it cannot happen immediately after one has experienced pain and suffering. Our minds need time to process the event, to experience the grief and slowly to overcome it. Forgiveness is a process not an instant action.
Some experiences in life hurt us minimally while others result in life enduring changes. I think an important thing to understand is that even if we forgive someone for their wrongdoing it does not infer that Allah swt will forgive them as well. He may decide to or not decide to forgive—it depends entirely on if the person who has wronged someone is even regretful for what they have done and sought forgiveness from the person they have hurt. Remember dear brothers and sisters, forgiveness has conditions and one of them is to realize the enormity of one’s sins and if we have hurt someone else, to seek their forgiveness (and repay them through some means if we have stolen from them, etc) Our rank however will elevate in front of Allah swt and we will be rewarded immensely for our patience and mercy. If however we cannot forgive someone it’s important we do not dwell on the thoughts of seeking justice and revenge which leads us no where as Allah swt is the one who will set affairs straight when He desires so obsessively thinking about it isn’t going to fasten the process. Allah swt will punish and reward accordingly and when He deems desirable.
A few months a go I myself experienced a huge calamity, something that has shaken my roots. The person who caused me pain, suffering and a lot of loss does not even realize the impact they have made in my life—negatively of course. For months I oscillated between revenge, justice and punishment, eventually feeling hopeless and further angered as I had no control over my situation. I couldn’t punish this person myself and nor did I want to seek revenge; I wanted Allah swt to punish the person on my behalf. I then realized that by contemplating these thoughts I was only inflicting myself with further pain, I wasn’t moving on with my life, instead, I was stuck. I then realized that I had to let these thoughts go, I was filling my heart with darkness and hopelessness. I haven’t forgiven this person (and I’m not sure if I ever will) but I have stopped expecting that they’ll get punished. I know that this person clearly wronged me and Allah swt knows the conditions of all of our hearts. He knows who hurt who and what their intention was so I have left all my affairs up to Him. He is al-muntaqim (the avenger) and He will avenge us all, if not in this world but on yaw-mal-qayyamat inshAllah. Alhumdulillah, I no longer think if this person will get punished or not and if I’ll find out. I just assume that they will because Allah swt helps the helpless, the ones who are victimized by others.
My dear brothers and sisters, if you cannot forgive that is fine, but learn to let go and leave all your affairs up to Allah swt. Do not curse the person; do not wish bad for them, Allah swt will set the person straight for what damage they have caused us—he is the just and if he doesn’t avenge us then who will? I am not condoning that we think in revengeful ways but if we truly feel that forgiveness is out of the question then let it be as we cannot go out of our way and punish people—this is the job of our lord, our creator.
I want each and everyone on this website who has or is experiencing injustice from someone else to try to forgive the person. If they cannot, then try to let go of the thoughts of justice, revenge and punishment. Have faith the Allah swt will set things straight for us; He sees all—even the zalimun.
-Helping Sister
Thanks to all my brothers and sisters for giving some very good advice mashallah,Some mixed reactions there,At the moment i had a chance to talk to my husband without going into a big argument again of the problems,Nothing has changed much he wants his money back,And my mum doesnt want to go that road,I still love my mum after what she has done ,I will leave Allah SWT to judge her ,I say that to my husband all the time.,As for my husband i try not mentioning my mums name it only causes arguments,So far its worked i go 2 see her the kids arent allowed to go there and they dont want to,So i dont see my point bringing the topic up to my husband, Im hurt inside still even if the kids dont want to go its still hard Eid coming up ,Me going on my own living a door away its not easy Inshallah Allah SWT will give me sabr and Thanks again JOHN and Sisterz etc for your advice.