Problems with emotionally troubled husband
Assalamu Alaikom,
I am a 24 year old, and have been married over a year. I married my cousin (who I met while visiting my family overseas). I spent my engagement time (around 18 months) talking to him online and on the phone, because i was living in another country. During this time he was unemployed so he was in a bad mood alot and i would cry many times. I'm not a person that would spend time chatting online, but i had to because i had no other option. He would make me feel bad many times, but i just thought he was frustrated from being at home doing nothing while his fiance (me) would be working.
He came to my country to find work and get married. He was horrible most of the time, He was pushy and impatient, and would just spend time putting me in awful situations where he'd talk about my family in a negative way. I'd agree with him on everything because i knew he was frustrated about not finding work.
We had the katb ktab coz it was needed for his immigration application, and although i knew i was unhappy i let it be. After this told me that it was ok for us to go to hotel and have intercourse because we were legally married. I didn't want to but he had spoken to a sheikh and said it was legal. i didn't want to do anything without my family knowing about it, (this katb ktab was only for immigration sake, the wedding was to be held overseas in the presence of his family..). I went along because he was really intimidating me. I was so uncomfortable that he couldn't do anything and he kept yelling at me. I obviously spent most of the time in tears. Any way he did istikhara and we ended up leaving to go to his country and live there and have wedding with his family present.
He is a good man, a religious honest man but i have found out that he has emotional issues caused from his dad. His dad used to take out his frustration on him, beat him and swear etc... and now he is a man who cannot hear a single criticism said about him, and i feel that he has the need to degrade me so he feels good about himself... He loves me very much but living with him means i have to say yes to everything he says because arguing will only mean that he'll keep talking for hours and hours so i have given up.
I don't have any feelings for him but being a good muslim woman i know that divorce is the last resort. I have told him in the past that he is not easy to talk to and i am not comfortable around him and he thinks he is changing, but he isn't. He is the sort that has to prove his opinion and needs to prove that everything he says is right, even if it means yelling or being rude to others.
I don't know what to do, i am a very good wife to him but i'm tired of accepting my life when i know it can be much better. I cannot cry in front of him because of his past, and his feelings of inadequacy. It'll backfire on me and I'll end up having to hear a lecture about how he is misunderstood and nobody cares about him. I do not sleep at night because i am unhappy, I want to go home to my family but i feel sorry for him, i know he has good intentions at heart, and is very nice, but these problems are making my life difficult. I do not ask him to take me out anywhere because i know he'll get bored and without him knowing it he'll make my time horrible.
I don't want to be brave and smile when i am unhappy in my heart. I am trying to live my life with him but it means alot of sacrifices in how i feel and how bad he makes me feel. I Listen to him tell me i am selfish and i live in my own world caring only for me and i sit there and accept it so i don't make trouble. He also is very analytical so everything i do get's noted and he reminds me of things i did or didn't do (this is usually about things like kissing him before bed or being quiet sometimes) when he is giving me a lecture next time. He makes me say wallah to everything he asks me, like "Do u love me" etc etc... and because i know he'll make trouble if i don't say what he wants to hear i say wallah.
Please help me with any advice, I am tired off his aggressiveness just because to him, somebody made him feel bad. He is the type to tear the house apart if someone makes him feel bad when he has done nothing wrong, Even though nobody does anything to him, he just assumes that what people are telling him is a criticism to him.
Sorry that this is very long.... I hope u are able to advise a sister in need.
- muslima85
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Salaams,
I have not come across this nikah kitaba before, so I am not sure what to say about that. However, his attitude at the start was a bad sign.
He was bullied by his dad, so he says and instead of seeking help to overcome problems from this, he is now a bully to you. Why should you put up with this? He calls you selfish, but he expects you to put up with his histrionics? Also who wants to be with someone who makes you take an oath for everything you say? Allah's name should not be taken in vain, there is even a verse from the Qur'an,
'Heed not the type of despicable men,- ready with oaths,' Surah Al Qalam 68:10
That is a further insult to you and wrong for him to 'prove' all that you say accompanied by oath. Liars are the one's who demand oaths or those who are incredibly insecure. All the things he puts upon you are his own flaws that he cannot even face up to owning.
You are deeply unhappy with this man and it is him who is selfish. You are just an emotional punchbag for him to vent at. That is completely unfair and he has no regard for your feelings. From what you say, you have tried to be supportive. However, maybe they way you have just been putting up with this diva, has made him worse and take more advantage of you.
I suggest you move on if a last resort fails. That is where you inform him he is to attend couselling and look to actually changing and START treating you with care and respect. You say he has good intentions, but so called intentions alone are not sufficient and he needs to demonstrate this with positive actions.
If he doesn't start to make an effective change for the better, then call it a day. Why should you continue to suffer like this? Everyone has issues but you have to deal with them through effective communication rather than hurting a person.
One of the commenters on this site, brother Stranger mentioned something to the effect, that marriage can either build you up or destroy you in this dunya and the akhirah. That is so true. This man is making you depressed and this can make it hard for you to focus on your worship of Allah, which is all our main priority in life.
Don't continue to suffer and take care,
Hopeful
as-salamualaikum, note to all unmarried girls....if you have a fiance who yells at you, puts you down, threatens you, and has anger issues-DON'T MARRY HIM! i'm not blamming you, i made the same mistake years ago, but alhamdulillah people can change. for some reason we girls even fall in love with such guys, and don't think that after marriage we are going to be living everyday with this. we think that all his personality issues will go away like magic and we will live happily ever after everday. we will eat together, sleep together, be with each other...how cute. but once you are married to him, i do agree that go for counselling. it seems like there is something in him that wants a positive change, but maybe he just doesn't know what it is yet. maybe he is comming from an enviroment ike that where maybe his whole family just talks like that. and yes i do understand that if his father abused him bad enough, how it can affect him. maybe he doesn't know what love and goodness is. try to get him around pious people because he might start learning good things from their character like talking gently, not yelling, being nice to wife, kindness, good morals.....and even moving to a western coulntry where people generally behave better with each other in public than back home might open his heart. he might have picked up on the negative attitude towards you from watching how his father treats his mom. i totally understand what you are going through, and the best advice i can give you is don't have babies yet. it is going to be easier to divorce without children. i think you should start sharing what you are going through with some wise and good-herarted relative or freind that you trust, do lotas and lots of dua, give him lots of love, try to go over to good p[eople's houses, or pious people who have good morals and character, and give him some time to grow. don't go to divorce without knowing in your heart that you tries everything possible.
Salamualaikum sister,
Hate to say it but u brought this situation on to urself.
He did show u his true colors b4 marriage but u ignored them.
As sister cowgomoo said, if any man curses, hits, yells, etc At u, U SHOULDN'T MARRY THEM.
Since u already made tat mistake, can u take him to a doctor?
Would he let u take him to a doc without saying something to u?
Have him sit down, and calmly tell him that his yelling at u and everything he's doin is really hurting u.
Tell him that, u feel unloved and sad due to what he's been putting u thru.
Sister if u don't talk to him, be will never Stop!!
Take him to a doctor and have him check.
If he doesn't change, I thnk u need to take a break from him.
His behavior will harm u too. U do not deserve this.
Talk to him calmly and patiently.
If he goes off again, tell him u can't take it anymore and u gonna stay at ur parents for a while.
Inshallah everything will work out for u.
Yes, I agree completely with BeAl. Your husband showed you everything before you married him. You knew exactly how mean he his, how aggressive, how rude, how controlling. He used to make you cry all the time. And yet you married him anyway. You got exactly what you signed up for.
I don't want to blame you or make you feel worse. But I want people to wake up! Take responsibility for your own lives. If you go through your life like a leaf on a river current, letting the water push you this way and that way, just floating along, then you can't be surprised when you go over a waterfall.
People write to this website all the time with problems that they have created for themselves by failing to take responsibility for their own lives and their own choices. Allah gave you free will for a reason. Use it! You are not like a stone that has no free will. If I want to pick up a stone and throw it against a wall, it cannot stop me. But we are human beings. Allah has given us free will and choice, the power of choice. This is really critical. If you forfeit your free will and your power of choice, then you forfeit that which makes you human, do you see that?
People write to this website and make excuses. They say, "I had no choice, I was pressured, I felt that I could not say no, I didn't want to shame my family by cancelling the engagement," etcetera. Or they blame other people for their situations. I see a lot of that. Sometimes they even try to blame black magic, when the problem is clearly one they created for themselves, or failed to address in any case.
Everyone: take responsibility for your lives. Take responsibility for your choices. Life means sometimes having to make hard choices. It cannot be avoided. Life means sometimes having to say, "I don't want this and I will not accept it," then holding your ground and not giving in to pressure. Or just the opposite, being able to say, "This is what I want and I am adamant and serious about it." If you cannot do that, then I guarantee you will experience a lot of misery in life.
The only obligation that truly counts is your obligation to Allah. The only one who deserves your ultimate obedience is Allah. Parents receive our obedience as long as their commands do not conflict with Allah's commands. No one has the right to force us into miserable situations. No one has the right to arbitrarily insist that we marry this person, or to arbitrarily reject a potential spouse based on race or nationality, because such things conflict with Allah's teachings. No one has the right to prevent us from leaving abusive situations.
We have the power of choice in life, and we only need the courage to exercise it.
So, sister, I sympathize with your situation. You are clearly living a life of misery. Even now, though, I see you are making excuses for your husband. You speak at length of his abusive nature, then you say, "He is a good, honest man." Really? What's good about him? You mentioned nothing good at all.
You go along with this situation because you are afraid of argument and confrontation. But sister, if you don't make some changes, then nothing will change. This is elementary. You cannot change your husband's behavior, you can only change your own.
Best Regards,
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hello,
I agree with everything Wael said and the others too. But I would like to add your life right now sounds like mine in my first marriage. And Wael I would like to point out yes everyone has free will and can make their own choices but when you are so young that pressure from others feel like a mountain. Plus from a girls point of view when we are young no we don't have choices because we are so used to our parents making them for us. So when it does come down to it we know we have the choice for marriage but we get everyones opinion or pushing and proddings that we cry and really truly honestly feel backed into the corner. They make us feel like no matter what we want someone is going to be pissed at us, or disappointed in us, or ashamed of us. I've been in that girls exact place. In the same situation. That mountain is the largest thing you could ever possibly imagine.
Now Muslima85 I know what you mean. He is mean, yells, you want to go here he makes you feel like an ant for wanting anything. He makes you feel wrong for even breathing. No matter what you do it is never enough and each month you notice his demands are getting more and more, larger and larger. He of course trys to then be nice and contrite. Making less of what really happens. Makes you feel like you are blowing things out of proportion when you mention that he has been mean to you. Although you barely said anything. As far as going anywhere he is cautious of time and money. Makes you feel like YOU cost him these things all the time unreasonably when you know it's not really true. When you cry he makes you feel like you are being a baby about stuff when you have every right to feel bad. Cause he makes you feel bad like that.
Okay these are classic battery and control signs. If he hasn't started beating you yet he is getting there. It will happen. Get him to counseling. Mention it once. He will propably blow. You already know that. Tell him counseling or you'll leave. He might go to suplicate you OR he could blow up at you and threaten your life. Depending on where your cycle of abuse is at. Or his classic lecture to you. "What do you think I need counseling?" Be honest tell him yes. If he goes to counseling then good BUT if he starts criticizing everything that is said in counseling then just leave because he will never change. He sees nothing wrong with himself and sees you as the blame. If he refuses to go then you tried the last thing and just leave him. He will never change. If he beats you then just get out. You need to inform your family of this situation immediately because if it comes to the end you need a support system in place to help you.
Have you noticed him taking your free time to speak with others away? Like your family and friends? He is slowly isolating you. That's part of the way abusers work. If he isolates you you have no one to turn to. So you can't leave him. As much as possible start reaching out to others so you have other people in your life. For you.
IF HE DOES NOT GO TO COUNSELING FOR ANY REASON LEAVE HIM. He might pull the crybaby thing "oh you don't love me. Nobody loves me. You think there is something wrong with me." Turn everything around on you and make it all your fault. It is part of the abuse cycle. Stop it now. You KNOW there is something wrong with him. It's either he goes to counseling and takes it serious and does not make you feel bad for it or you need to leave him. I am telling you this for your life. The next step in this cycle is beatings if they have not started yet.
Take these words and save your life. You might get lucky and he will go to counseling and take it serious and you save your marriage. BUT from what you have said they are classic signs of abuse and you know yourself that it is slowly getting worse. It is subtle but it is happening and YOU have to stop it.
I was beaten to a bloody pulp by my first husband. I am now disabled from it. Please please do not back down on the counseling issue. I so wish I could hold your hand through this for you but you have to do this on your own. Just know you are not alone. You have the strength to do this. You have my prayers.
Roux, I'm very sorry to hear about your terrible experience with your first husband. Thank you for sharing the lessons you have learned.
Wael
IslamicAnswers Editor
Awww Am So sorry to hear about what you'v been through !!!!!
i Sincerely hope your living a wonderful life now, (Ameen)
x
I know a Shia woman whose husband has cheated on her with many women. One of the women was my friend and he lied to her that he wasn't married. Then the wife found out and blamed my friend when it was her husband who was cheating with different women and lying and saying he wasn't married. Why this Shia woman wants to stay with such a disgusting man is incomprehensible. Are Muslim women so insecure that they can't live without a cheating husband who can bring them STDs and HIV? I mean his wife is an educated woman, a teacher, and so was he. Now he has sex with anything that walks and lies and still the wife stays with him and sleeps with him. Does she have no self-respect?
I feel sorry for Muslima85 because she was culturally and religiously taught to take what a man dishes out and to support him. However, when it gets to a point she can no longer tolerate, she must do what her conscience says---the brain that God gave her---to do what's best for herself. No one needs to live with a man like that or a cheating, adulterer like my friend's ex-boyfriend. Actually, he proposed marriage & gave her a ring so he was her fiance. He probably did that to all the other women.
Shia women, tell me why you'd stay with a man when you're able to support yourself and your child on your own? American women would kick his ass out and show him the door. Who needs a man to bring her diseases and death (via HIV/AIDS).
Dear Amelia,
I think there is a misconception that has to be clarified. This in not a Shia site, but a site for all
Muslims ( or human beings ) of all schools of thought that face problems in their lives.
I think that your friend's decision
to stay with that abusive men has neither religious, nor cultural, but personal reasons related to her
own psychological well-being. In Islam, women aren't supposed to tolerate abusive husbands.
May Allah help your friend
Jannah, I know this is not strictly a Shia site; I was speaking about a Shia man and what he did. I don't think he represents all Muslims (I hope to God they're better than he was) and my friend is forever changed. He even lied in court and swore on the Quran but still he told lies. I've researched the Quran and surely he will face the hellfire for what he has done: violating my friend by raping her, cheating on his wife & breaking his marriage vows, lying in court on 4 different occasions. So I don't think it's just a Shia problem and didn't intend for it to sound as though it was.
For Muslima85, she may find that family pressure overwhelms her to the point she may feel forced to stay with her abusive husband. Abuse can take many forms: her husband's type and also what my friend experienced. But Allah will take care of him in the next life since there was no justice for my friend in this life. He told his wife he was involved with a "traffic ticket" instead of facing the truth of his infidelity and rape. Allah knows what he did and he will pay for it for all eternity.