Should I stay in this marriage?
Broken trust...
I have been married for 15 years. I have a 13 years old daughter and 9 years old son. I was 18 years old when I got married with a 35 years old man. He was married before and had a daughter from his previous marriage. He and his family lied to my parents and never told about his previous marriage and daughter. I was in Pakistan and his family was in USA that's why we have no idea about it. After marriage when I came abroad then I got to know the truth. I talked to my parents and when they talked to him he said he has no relation with his ex wife and he send his daughter back to Pakistan to his ex wife.
My parents told me to start my life since what he promised them he did it. In the first few years of marriage he was really taking care of me financially and always try to make me happy but due to a huge age difference and family background we were never compatible. There was always argument between us on household matters. People around me always used to tell me about his cheating upon me and other bad things about him but I never used to believe it until 3 years ago I found all the phone bills and other evidence which proves his relationship with one of our Indian Hindu employees which I suspected for almost 2 years. When I showed him and his family all the evidences they completely denied and lied to me because his family was involved in it too and knew everything about her and his relationship.
In last 3 years things have gone so bad between us. He always used to leave the home for no reason and go live with his mistress and his family used to blame me for it. They have taken all my jewelary away and filed restraining orders against me in the court and threw me out from home few months ago. I even won't be able to see my kids. I went back to my parents and was about to file for divorce when his family contacted me and said that they are sorry and want me to come back home. Once again I sacrificed for kids and moved back with him. The only reason I moved back with him was that my kids were suffering when I was not home.
I believe he still see his mistress everyday and now people around me told me that woman is involved with his family now and goes to all their family events since I don't associate with his family anymore. But he comes home every night now, gave my jewelry back and started taking care of me financially again and acts to be nice. But I don't trust him anymore. I don't feel good around him. We both live in separate rooms in one home and don't talk to each other unless it's really important. It's very hard for me to forgive him but on the other hand I am not sure if he is still sleeping with that woman.
Can you please advice what should I do in this situation? If I go through divorce my only fear is he won't let me have kids and I really have to go to court and fight against him and he and his family is very influential and I have no one here to help me. When I moved back with him I thought to give him and our relationship one more chance but it seems like I am losing my patience and feel very stressful and sad when I think about his cheating upon me.
am2014
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Sister, You must file divorce with all the proofs of his cheating you..The courts in US are very fair and will support you .If you have got US nationality..In that case even if he has divorced you , you will have the right to recieve monthly financial support from him. Secondly he is supposed to give the children custody to you until the age of 18. As per US law..
More over no matter how influential they are in Pakistan , in US the laws are equal for all..Living a life of slavery is better than you go for Divorce..thats why Divorce is hilal act not a haram..
Further more I believe the kind of charachter your husband has will also effect your children.when they look up to their father, that can have more determential effect on their personality than if they live alone with you.
Also after divorce you can decide to marry some other men , after few years...if you feel ok..Islam allows you to remarry as well.
Take time and dont take decision under fear and pressure.Allah will help you.
If you have a record of a restrained order being put against you, it tells the court that you have a history of causing harm or potentially causing harm to to your family. We did not know the details. If it is related to your mental status, you need to proof that you are healthy enough to take care of the kids. e.g. mental stable, follow up your therapy, medication, etc. By that way, you can build up a stronger case for yourself when you go to court.
In U.S, you need to consult a divorce lawyer and most of them offer first session free. Discuss the details with them about financial arrangement and your case. They will give you a fair estimation of your case base on if you have any solid evidences. In US, regardless of your husband's background, the court will judge it by evidences and the benefit of your children.
Having said that, I hope you do not put too much emphasis on divorcing your husband yet. I think you need to take care your mental status first. Being married abroad at age 18 and been facing all those turmoil, it must be exhausting and sometimes confusing. I strongly suggested you to see a counselor, you need to talk through your problems and know what exactly is your problem. It may appear to you now is your husband's cheating and you want to get a divorce. You have mentioned 1) age and background incompatible; 2) dishonest about his past right in the beginning of the marriage; 3) household argument; 4) first cheating found; 5) restrained order put against you; 6)move back to Pakistan; 7) he cheated again; 8) he comes back and 9) now you cannot trust him and want a divorce. There are tons of problems that are interwoven together, I hope you really need to sit down to think clear what is the best for you and your children.
Here's my questions for you:
1. In your post, you never mention about his deen. Is he and you a practicing muslim? If he is and he did repentance to Allah sincerely, I think you may want to give him a chance. You may like to start to pray together to build up your relationship and trust towards him. By practicing and praying together, you both will be blessed by Allah by putting Him first in the family and will start reconnect to each other slowly.
2. What is your plan if you were granted for a divorce? Are you planning to move back to Pakistan with your kids? What is a better option for them as they have been educated in US? Have you talk to them? What will you do for a living if you stay in US? Are you able to find a job to support yourself and your family? (I guess you do not acquired a higher education as you married so early, any plan to go back to college so as to prepare your future. You are only about mid 30s, there is a long way ahead of you.)
2. Now he comes back to you, ask him how does he want to proceed in this marriage in front of Allah? Forgive me sister, what effort did you make to save this marriage? Now what will you do to make this marriage work? Maybe one of the condition for both of you is to agree on seeing a marriage counselor. IT helps to set up some kind of contract or understanding between you and your husband. Trust cannot build up in a day. It is better for both of you to open up a communication. You cannot hide from him or treat him as a stranger at home. It does more harm than good.
3. If he is not a practicing muslim and shows no efforts or intentions to repentance, I think you may proceed to find a divorce lawyer.