My Husband controls my life
Husband controls the Wife
Salam,
I am a 31 year old master’s educated Indian Muslim girl. I was born in the America and lived here since then. I have been married an Indian Muslim man and have been married for two and half years and my parents want me to divorce my husband.
Let me step back and tell you about our marriage/relationship. We met about 4 and half years ago. During the 2 years that I knew him before marriage, he appeared to be a progressive Muslim. He is highly educated, intellectual, and humble.
He told me that he liked me because I had a good mix of western and traditional values. For example, we wear western clothing, speak our mother tongue, are close to our relatives, fast during Ramadan, and respect our culture and religion.
Except for his mother who is not educated, he comes from a family where women are highly educated and very independent. My family is also well-educated but not as well-educated as his.
On our wedding day I noticed a change that I never thought would last for the rest of my marriage. Before our wedding his mother yelled at me and told that I was not to get a choice as to what I wear on my wedding day. This is absurd to hear in America where the bride always wears what she wants. I ended up wearing only some of the things that his parents gave me. His parents were furious on the wedding day and complained to my husband.
Since my husband has no backbone, he yelled at me and made me cry on my wedding day (after the nikah). Since then, I believe he has secretly been punishing me for disappointing his family. For example, during the first year of our marriage he refused to create a joint account with me. He split our monthly expenses in half and made me give him a check at the end of the month.
His mother is VERY demanding and he seems to listen to her blindly. He does very small but cruel things to me. For example, he purposely refuses to buy a shirt if I suggest it. He purposely refuses to try something at a restaurant if it is something I like. I think he purposely wants me to feel as though my opinions and interests are worthless. He cannot say “no” to his mother which is a huge problem. In the larger community people say that my husband is a wonderful son, brother, nephew, cousin and friend, but he has not been a good husband or son-in-law.
My husband is a VERY insecure person. His father was a big shot in India but in America he and his wife work as laborers. His family is not as well off as mine, which never bothered me. I have always admired my husband for working hard and being a self made man. But I think this difference in our family successes bothers HIM. His family also does not have any family friends in our community in Houston.
Maybe the worst thing he does is that when he gets upset he makes comments like, “You married up in the marriage and I married down.” Or “Your parents did not do a good job raising you.” I think he says all of these things because he is insecure and he believes it is HE who married up and I who married down. To be honest, I never looked at our marriage that way. I have also never made an disrespectful comments about how my family has more money than his because I think it is very inappropriate.
I have tried very hard to make this marriage work but I think my husband is too stubborn and fails to realize his own insecurity issues. I have complied with him and and I do things for his family that I otherwise would not have done. I have attempted to integrate fully with his family and he shows no effort in integrating with mine. He also shows no appreciation for any of this.
After our first year half of marriage, I went back to school. So we had to get a joint account and he pays for all of our monthly expenses and I too am very frugal about how we spend money from our joint account (after all it is HIS hard earned money). Every time we get in a fight now he says things like, “I pay for the rent, so you are to do as I say” and “You are never going to go anywhere in your career” and “You didn’t go to prestigious schools like I did” Not only is he not humble anymore, he really hurts my self esteem with his cruel words.
Recently we went back Houston where his parents and my parents live. He told me that I was to spend all my time with his family during my brother's birthday weekend. When I told him that I would spend 50% of my time with his family and 50% of my time with my family he flipped out. He told me “You are the wife and you wanted an Indian husband so that is what you are going to get. This is what you signed up for. You are part of MY family now. I am the husband and I don’t have to go to your house if I don’t want to. You are the wife and you have to come here…If you don’t I will make your life a living hell”
There are several instances when I visit Houston and I spent majority of my time with HIS parents and maybe one day with my family. He totally disregards my parents and doesn’t even consider their opinion. He always wants to dictate what I do, where I stay, and who I spend time with when we go to Houston. I have friends, family in Houston that I never see because I have to spend most of my time with his family.
This type of domination does not exist between my parents or my relatives. My parents are very upset. My husband drew the line when he called my parents and started yelling at them in a disrespectful tone. My parents have had enough of this. They have seen their youngest daughter suffer for two and half years and now they really want me to get a divorce.
They think I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe I am but I cannot see or think clearly. They tell me that my husband does not truly love me and care for me and only loves and care for his family. They say that I will suffer for the rest of my life if I don’t leave him. They say that he will not give me any say as to how I raise our children.
As I reflect on my marriage I do believe that my husband has killed a part of my self esteem but I also have very good memories of him too. Thus, the thought of divorce feels very uncomfortable to me. I also don’t think I could get married again nor even have children because I may be too old.
What I don’t understand is that how can a progressive Muslim man that felt strongly about women’s independence be such a typical dominating traditional Muslim husband? I don’t believe his sister or female cousins would put up with something like this. He completely changed after our wedding (literally overnight) and I feel as though my husband is no longer the person I married. What advice can you give me?
- Emotionally Damaged
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Salaams,
Sister, people do not actually change overnight. When it appears that way, what is actually happening is that we are seeing someone's true colors. What people can do is a wonderful job of putting up a facade to make us believe in something other than what they are. I am not saying that they always do it out of bad intentions to be deceptive; maybe they are really trying to aspire to be that person. Yet, put the right amount of stress and other factors in the mix and their core essence comes out.
You have spent as much time with him now as he has been as you did before marriage when you thought you knew him as someone else. While you may have a lot of good memories, that's all they are....memories. What you have with him now is the true reality, and that's the one you have to be making your decisions on.
Unfortunately, this type of thing is far too common in cultures like yours. It's easy to think that education and exposure/assimilation to western culture will erase those generational grooves, but all it takes is some significant rite of passage (such as marriage) to bring out these characteristics. I personally think if you don't want to keep going in a marriage like this, give him an ultimatum that he mellow his ways and treat you more like he did when you fell in love with him, or you will move on to a more peaceful life.
By the way, you know that the whole idea that you, at age 31, are too old to remarry and have children is nonsense. Women can bear children well into their 40's, and people get remarried at all ages. The misgivings you are having about this are also rooted in that cultural mindset that young women are the only worthwhile women, and they need to be married off young and stay married or else there is no hope for them. If you live in Houston, you have lots of opportunities to find a Muslim brother who shares your values and will treat you according to true Islam. However, in saying that I suggest you don't limit yourself to only Indian men. I think the wider you cast your net (to include Muslims of other cultural backgrounds and even converts), the more likely you will find someone who suits you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As Salaam Wa Alaikum,
I'm in a very similar situation sister, before marriage my hubby was amazing couldn't knock him or fault him-behind closed doors though it's a whole other story like what sister Amy said the true nature comes out
My story is a bit longer and far scarier
You're not alone sis-seek refuge with Allah SWT
May Allah help us and guide us-Ameen
Assalamu Alaikum Sister,
Really, 31 is old, I am inviting you to come to my work so you can see some old folks! YOU ARE VERY YOUNG, no kidding!!!! Sister Amy made a point. In cultures where girls marry at 15 years old, 31 may seem old, but in reality that is is not. You are young and inshallah you will have a happy life ahead of you.
Just to let you know, my colleague was blessed with a beautiful child at the age of 49. She thought she was going through menopause.The child is not only beautiful but also smart.
You can still try to save your marriage. Some counseling may be helpful if your husband is open to the idea of marriage counseling. If not, know that Allah has a plan for you. Put trust in HIM and let Him guide you where He wants you to be. May Allah help you and give you the best.
Have a nice day,
Reader
dear sis,
asalamalikum,
may Allah help you come to a right decision and make you be pleased with it. it is for such instances we have istakhara.
Amy has given a very practicle advice.
you can either be the person your husband demands you to be and be miserable or let yourself be free of this prison and leed a life with self respect . you say your are well educated so make use of this blessing and make a wise decision. you married to have companionship , peace and tranquality and if thats not what you having then , what is it that this marriage is giving you?
your conclusion is right he is an insecure , low self esteem and man with inferiority complex and my observation is that there is little you can do to help such people specially if they are not ready to help themselves.this man id transferring these attributes in you. you know how people say that after few years of marriage a husband and wife start looking like each other, thats because they start taking each others qualities, imagine this is the man you will start looking like.
i guess giving a good , sincere try to make this marriage work otherwise move away.
Allah is with you and inshallah will help you come to a decision you will never regret.ameen.
31 is not old sister i am the same age as you and i am still not married even today when i read stories like these i only feel your pain but also glad im not married, people do change over night it is control. Your husband is a control freak and he needs professional help and need to realise he is very lucky to have you but often people like this lose the best thing the ever have, i hope he wakes up before it is too late.
Salam,
Emotional hurt very bad, more pain. Emotional pain stay 90 % time. Physical pain go away soon. Emotional pain make human body crazy. Make you older fast. etc. Some Muslim men no good.
Change man maybe, try another young lady.
Good luck.
Sweetie, I'm going threw the same thing kind Of, I married my husband out of love I thought nobody was like him the way he talk respect everybody around him good Muslim Pary/. Fast. I thought I was the luckiest person in the whole world even my family/ friends think that. Now that we are married for 5 years he has change so much using bad words all the time puting me down like I'm not worth anything or my family, I cry always everything about my life because so many other families wanted to ask for my hand in marriage. I regret it sometimes but now we have a son together is alittle to late to do anything because he will take my son away from me if I leave him Snd I'm also 31 years old is not old at all you will find someone better insallah.
I literally stopped reading after this point : "What I don’t understand is that how can a progressive Muslim man that felt strongly about women’s independence be such a typical dominating traditional Muslim husband? " You clearly have some really strange concepts about what a "Muslim husband" is based on your personal experience on an ethnic marriage. I am a Muslim man who was raised in an irreligious 'cultural' household where my father abused my mom and were pretty Americanized. On the other hand all of my friends who grew up in more religiously oriented families had dads who showed great respect to their mothers.
Let's not generalize our experience in marriage or Indians/Desis/Arabs to all Muslims please.
Most muslim american men have no problem with a educated, challenging, working spouse etc. The vast majority of them are extremely accepting of it. It seems to me your husband is too subservient to his mother and lets out his frustrations on you. Your parents should be rebuking him for such abuse.
My heart goes out to you. You dnt deserve this. I promise u it is only going to get worse. I had a friend in the same situation.....he treated her like s*** and made her misserable. She left him after 2 years. A year later one of the top 40 under 40 richest men ib houston asked for her...they married and she is sooooo happy she had a baby yesterday. He is now misserable, his mom may God bless her soul died . She use to hate her daughter n law bc she said she took her son away. Pls leave this jerk. .maybe he isnt ur naseeb the right one that Allah wants for u is out there. If your husband was really ur naseeb then ot wouldnt be like this. ALLAH is just teaching you so you will be aware when the right one comes. (email address removed) if u need to talk
Fida, please do not use bad language, and do not post private contact information here. Thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamaliakum,
After 6 years of ARRANGED marrriage & 3 beautiful kids alhumdulillah I feel more close to my husband everyday, its like everyday fall in LOVE all over again Alhumdulillah.
Major reason why love marriages dont work is before marriage a person is different and after marr they change,So why have love marriage it is a big sin.So I suggest ask for Allahs forgivenesss and slowly talk to your husband this is how you feel.He will slowly understand inshallah if you have a strong imaan.Twoand a half years is not such a long period divorce is not such good idea.The most disliked hallal thing in the site of Allah is divorce.JUST tell him things slowly in a respectable way and surely he will love you again inshallah like before.
Walekumsalam
As salaam Wa Alaikum Naush,
You may be right in this situation, but can I just say that sometimes not everything is as simple as it seems. My heart really goes out to emotionally damaged and I sincerely hope that your advice will work for her. Personally I have already taken such advice and it has not helped. I feel that everything in my marriage is a lie-it's all fake why?? Because my "real" husband comes out when we are behind closed doors. I knew him before we married, and honestly I could not have wished for anything better. When his mom asked for my hand in marriage I was doing emotional cartwheels, I never thought she would ever come for me. There were many other girls that would have suited the family much better than myself-which was something that I didn't delve on at the time. Now in hindsight I can she why she chose me. All the others would have stood up for themselves and given back just as good as they got. Their families would have provided them with the support they needed and her percious son would have been single and tarred now. But she knew that this would not be the case with me and my family.
Throughout our marriage I always knew in the bottom of my heart that there was a lot more to my husband, which really scared me. But my moto was if I keep him sweet hopefully I won't have to see too much of reality.
I've seen it now and it's killing me. I'm still trying very hard to stick to the same moto-with the hope that Allah SWT will ease my burden-trouble is I'm soooo scared, scared that I may be tricked by shaitaans whisperings and do and say everything that is bubbling up inside me. That "love" has turned into hate the sad thing is that even now if he was to change my heart will still turn into mush and I will forget everything-if only though
hmmm its quite a tough one to answer. i dont know why but i just feel like saying to u to actually give this relationship a chance, at least a year or few months may be. after all, you urself feel uncomfortable about this, so rather than pondering over it later on and wishing to have given this another chance, its just better to give it a go now.
what i would highly recommend u to do now is that u ...
*learn about islam, and try to involve ur hubby in it too. learn about what the rights of a husband and wife are, and also learn about other islamic matters too (birthdays are bidah as far as i am aware)
* and as well as patience sister show ur love for him more. u can do this by giving him surprise candle light dinners, gifts, through poems, love letters, texts, and just by saying sweet things more often and expressing ur love for him, hug him everytime he comes from work, give him a smile 🙂
* try asking him why he has changed, but be very careful doing this if u are going to. try making him remember the good memories and then say do u remember so and so and say u miss the way he used to do so and so and so on, u know what i mean
*try talking to ur hubby, but in an assertive manner, so like dont put the blame on him, though it may well be his fault, but just express ur emotions, have a look on the net to find a good way to approach ur hubby on things ... here is something u may want to take note of ...
What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems?
When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.
In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.
For the most part, there are two basic ways of talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identifica
tion (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.
The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb's work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary's work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary's book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.
Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior
When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “why did you…?”
The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.
If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:
•get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)
•offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack
•hide and conceal similar behavior in the future
The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:
•increased distance
•less understanding and greater dissatisfaction
•the lack of a genuine resolution
•increased future conflict
A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.
Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings
A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if, your partner deserves blame).
It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”
When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as "I feel" rather than "It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.
Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.
By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:
•listen to what you have to say
•empathize with your position
•discuss the problem in a constructive manner
And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:
•increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding
•greater potential for resolution and change
•less future conflict
Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.
by the way sister, was this marriage from a haram relationship ? if so, may be thats why its not going so well now, so keep praying sister, and do a lot of worshipping together with ur hubby too if u can, learn together, in shaa Allaah that would help strengthen ur relationship.
i know sis this may be hard for u, but may be u should give it a go, for some time at least, at least u can then later on say wholeheartedly that actually u did give it ur 110% to this relationship. and do do istikhara before taking decisions.
i wish the best for u xx 🙂 wasalam
p.s. i have told my mom to take a divorce, she doesnt agree, but im the kind of person who is aware of women's rights and wants it to be in place in every muslim family. i am very dissapointed to hear that ur hubby has changed, but i think this relationship should be given a little chance at least, who knows may be he hasnt changed, but u just didnt get to know him properly, some things u cant see when away from each other, that doesnt mean he has decieved u, or may be there are certain things, may be depression, on his mind. and just remember, sometimes we have to make compromises to try and save relationships with the ones that we love, he may reciprocrate that back in return, u give his mom a lot of love for example massage her and so on, and he may do something in return in shaa Allaah, even if he doesnt but Allaah knows what u do and will reward u in shaa Allaah.
Asalam walaikum,
I am a muslim girl 29 yrs old.my story is absolutely similar to yours....even i love him but my family says that he will not change and its difficult to spend whole life with him.
I want to write my story like her and take some advice from you all.where shud i write how to become member.even i am emotionally abused and damaged.
Sister you can submit your question by following the instructions on this page, after logging in,
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/submit-your-question/question-submission-form/
Give us more details and we will publish it when it's your turn iA.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
ASAK,
I have register myself on your site but i haven't got any password on my email.?
My husband and I are trying to work things out. This is what he said to me the other day, "I want my wife to stay with me at all times. She cannot go to her parent’s house when I am present." He is such a jerk.
Salam Sister,
If you don't mind me asking. Was your husband born and raised in America? I'm in similar situation but a bit different....
Try to do what makes him happy first. If it doesnt work for you and he continious his salfishness, I would say pray. Devorcing him wont do much for you.
Salam everyone,
How come no Muslim brothers is advising here? Anyway, Sister I have been divorce just 3-months now and I will tell you, it is the WORST thing. I believe most men are like that, I think it is because they want to that girl to believe him and trust him but after at years goes by that man become over protective. He takes things for granted.
I suppose he is age more than you, so insecurity kicks in, always at work, no friends, no physical activities, no direction to live for so where do you take out your frustration? The one that is closet to you because he knows she won't talk back.
Ever wonder why marriages last years and years in the old days because in the old days women were never brain washed, thinks like independent and so forth. Men had less stresses because old days men would believe in something and he would fight for it. Now days its routine, men and women always at work and tired mentally and physically. Always worrying when to pay bills and run on schedule.
This guy needs your support, learn about what he always wanted to do in life, then encourage and help him. Make him believe in his dreams. Slowly, he will realize what he has. My marriage only lasted 3 months (technically 20 days). I am not bad but I am just plain stupid.
I will never advice you on divorce,
I am totally lost and planning to leave the house and travel the world, so I am working on my pension which will be give me $700/mnth, do not know how I will survive. I am only 34 but it is hard to look in positive ways. I took my wife to Makkah to do Umrah right next day and after our nikkah, on our 1st instead of going straight to have sex with her, I pray namaz of sukran to Allah (swt). I did all that because I believe in Allah (swt), I believe in Makkah since every dua you make there get accepted.
But look where I am, left with big question WHY?, if there was Allah (swt) then why does this thing happen? If Allah(swt) hates divorce why does it happen? After all we all do what Muhammad (peace be upon him) wants, Nobody marries to get divorce. When I look at other girls, I do not want to make love to them because its wrong, it does not feel right, because I do not love them. I only want my ex wife back which probably will never happen.
No marriage is perfect and never will be. It all depend on two people. Even if you do give divorce make sure he only says "I divorce you one time" or else it will be irrevocable. Google it to understand more. After divorce people realize what mistake they made.
you can read my story here
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wife-divorced-me-because-of-my-anger/
Read these two book and ask your husband to read it too..
The best of All Husbands (The Prophet Muhammad) on iBooks
Winning the Heart of your Wife (Kalamullah.com) on iBooks
Allah hafiz..
I am currently married to someone from abroad and I grew up in states. It wasn’t a love marriage but definitely there was attraction from both sides. Marriage is not what i had imagined and it isn’t going to be what my idea of marriage was (certainly not my marriage). I am learning more about him and hoping after he comes here he can change but if that doesn’t happen divorce is the best option.
One main thing I’ve learned in life is that you set your own standards but there is a time period which you can set your grounds and that is at very early stage of marriage. If you don’t stand your ground and demand your rights it won’t be handed to you. You can give ultimatum and seperate from him without telling him that you will be back. If the separation doesn’t bring changes in him and he doesn’t come after you then move on but make sure you don’t give in until the changes are visible. As much as we all hate divorce sometimes that is for the best. Good luck!