Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I too “cheap” to marry?


My brothers and sisters...I am in a lot of grief. I am a convert that has lived alone for many years because my family made my life hell for being a muslim. So since I was 16 and now 28, I've been struggling with loneliness. I tried these muslim marriage apps and met a girl on there. Everything was perfect and I thought I'd found "the one." After the third date, I made Istikhara and told her that I wanted to marry her and do things the halal way.

She said her father wouldn't approve of someone who doesn't have a good career...that he doesn't care about religion, but rather, about money and career. She suggested that we talk to her mother and uncle first. Her mother liked me, but her uncle was abroad for months. When he finally came, we had already grown feelings and were intimate many times (except penetration).

At this time, I couldn't talk to him because the girl wanted to break up with me. I live thrifty because I'm saving money for a business, marriage, lots of things, but she was afraid I was stingy. I was also reluctant because she wouldn't wear hijab properly and plucks her eyebrows. But eventually, I looked passed that because I had feelings.

She told me I can talk to her uncle when she sees that I'm changing, i.e. when I open a business or start studying again. We agreed, after umrah, that I would start studying. Before I left, I met her sister, I paid for their travel expenses and hotel, but I didn't pay when we went to the restaurant. I didn't buy her a bag and when I was in Mecca, I didn't buy her a golden ring she was searching for because it was expensive. I also told her I will not pay that you study in another country while we are married.

So I went to umrah to repent and ask for help to be ready mentally as she said. But she broke up via text because of these reasons. She said the future with me is insecure. That she can't be with someone who is content how things come to him and says "Allah will always provide for us, our goal is jannah."  She said "I want a good life, a leader, but from this it seems that you will not do anything big for me."

I told her that I don't pay a lot because she is not my wife yet, and I'm saving to make a business for a better life for both of us, but that I always give gifts (10-20 euros). Plus, the travel costs to come meet her and stay in a hotel has cost me thousands! She said she doesn't count that because that is normal stuff you have to do as a man, but for me specifically, you haven't done anything. She said I am a good person and have good deen, but this is not enough.

We both prayed Istikhara, but since then, she ghosted me and behaves like a total stranger. She told me she doesn't want me to love her and for her I have been like "a friend" since a long time ago. What about kissing and hugging and "I miss you" a few days before I left? I don't understand.

She has made me feel so worthless. I really don't know what I have done wrong-- I go to the mosque everyday and come home and cry. If Allah doesn't want her for me then why He lets me have so much feelings and keep loving her? And if it was my fault, what do I do to fix it? 

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2 Responses »

  1. Walikum salam..

    Of course, I understand it's easier said than done, but you can't compel anyone to stay with you. So, if she's ghosted you, doesn't want to talk, or ignores you, it's time to move on. Life is beautiful, and you never know who, when, or where you'll meet someone new...

  2. Wa alaykum as-salam,

    I'm truly sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. It sounds like you've been through a lot, especially with your family's rejection and now this heartbreak. Remember, you are not alone in your struggles. Allah is always with you, guiding you through the difficult times and comforting you with His love and mercy.

    It's natural to feel confused and hurt when someone you care about suddenly changes their feelings towards you. However, it's important to realize that sometimes things don't work out the way we hoped, and that's okay. Allah has a plan for each of us, and sometimes His plan leads us in unexpected directions for our own growth and well-being.

    In regards to your situation, it seems like there were misunderstandings and differing expectations between you and the girl you were interested in. It's clear that you have good intentions and are working towards building a stable future for yourself and your future spouse. However, sometimes our efforts and intentions may not be fully understood or appreciated by others.

    While it's natural to feel hurt and confused right now, try to focus on the lessons you can learn from this experience. Reflect on what you've learned about yourself, your values, and what you truly want in a partner. Use this time to strengthen your relationship with Allah and seek His guidance in moving forward.

    Remember that life is beautiful, and you never know who, when, or where you'll meet someone new who will appreciate and love you for who you are. Stay hopeful and open to the possibilities that lie ahead. Trust in Allah's plan for you, and know that He has someone special in store for you when the time is right.

    Take care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and keep moving forward with faith and resilience. Life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it. Trust in Allah's timing, and believe that He has something better in store for you.

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