I am in polygamous relationship where my rights are not fulfilled; what should I do?
And if you be apprehensive that you will not be able to do justice to the orphans, you may marry two or three or four women whom you choose. But if you apprehend that you might not be able to do justice to them, then marry only one wife, or marry those who have fallen in your possession. (Maududi, The Meaning of the Qur’an, vol. 1, p. 305)
Assalamo Alaikum,
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I do not have very many people to ask for help, and I am afraid I will misinterpret istikhara or Allah's sign to me if He does reply in guidance, inshallah.
I am a Canadian revert, and married to an Pakistani with nikkah only. He is also married to a Pakistani lady who has all the legal marriage work. He lives with her, his niece, mother, and brother, all together. We have a huge problem of trust in the family, that is I feel like an outside, and we have a daughter together, which he ignores in favor of his family. I was told this is common in Pakistani culture, and that Imams recommend leaving aside the culture and following Islam. My husband has said this is "BS" and that he refuses to speak with an Imam to mediate our marriage. He is a Shia, and obviously that is what I learned the most about, and practiced for the past 3-4 years that I have been following him.
My daughter is 1 year old, and his wife came to Canada when I was pregnant. Our problems started then because I did not want him to visit her. He spent long time with her (2 weeks-3 weeks) while only some weekends with me. He always said our relationship would end not because of her interference but because of my jealousy. It has gotten worse as I went through a difficult, emotional pregnancy, and PPD, the depression of raising the baby alone. My husband was there for the birth, the adhan, did aqiqah back home, and for 6 days he stayed with us. He was very kind and loving to me then, but I refused him when he said to me that he had failed to convince his mother to let him divorce the other wife. He said over time the polygamy would get better, I felt really horrible and fought a lot with him during the year following our child's birth.
He went abroad to work for a year, and during that time he returned for a month to live with his other wife and "make her pregnant". She talked to me about their intimate life, and I hated to hear it. She did try to help me a little but I hated her for interfering with my happiness and butting into my life. I resented her involvement, I do hate her actually. I also blame the mother who the family said is hated back home so my husband had to marry the cousin in order to keep her reputation back home. But the mother never sided with me on anything, and she is the one who kept forcing my husband to talk to the other girl and be nice to her when he was with me when I was pregnant. It was an awful experience enhanced by dreams I had of him abandoning me, taking my baby, and giving her to his other wife. In my dreams the other wife hurt my daughter, and they would both be laughing and hating me too.
I went pretty crazy after the baby was born, and lost touch with my Muslim faith. I made a website backstabbing the other wife, which they found recently and ostracized me for. I felt she was so happy when she found out I was a bad person having done that backstabbing, and that my husband, who had such faith in me being a great person was actually wrong but she denied that to my face. She kept claiming that Allah protects her so much instead. When my daughter was born the mother in law came because my husband ordered her to. He can make people do anything he wants, and so I sometimes refuse him because I resent that. So, she was there and chased away my own mother because his mom was very dominant. My mom is very timid then, to please his mom, I took her to a Pakistani mosque after our son was born.
I hoped to impress her, but she took me aside inside the mosque and said 'don't tell everyone I am your mother in law, say i am your friend'. I was overwhelmed with tears because of pregnancy emotions and trying so hard to please her but she rejected us for a lie, in the mosque. I felt so bad, I didn't know what else to do. My husband said he would talk to her but I doubt he ever did. They all excused it as 'she was protecting my husband against polygamy' which people don't really care about here. I thought her excuse was stupid, I thought she was stupid then, and later when I tried to contact them and speak to them and they hung up on me repeatedly. I went crazy then. So my husband returned and went to the other family. He refused to speak with my son most of the time, and also when I told him I only wanted to talk to him, not with his mother there in the camera too. He avoided being 'alone' with me the entire time.
I became abusive to him and blaming. Imams kept telling me that the man is responsible and such that I felt righteous, although not quite merciful in my vigorous fighting. Eventually he lost all trust I guess, although I had myself too. I was destroying anything salvageable. He said I am a horrible and ugly person, that I am stupid. I kept warning him that I will file for custody of our baby if he doesn't behave like a husband, and he didn't so that's what I did. I sent him the paperwork and stopped talking to him. Two weeks later he called to say "What's the paperwork? You can have her. I want to file you both as dependents on my tax return. You will get a large sum of money if you do, and I will re-evaluate compromising our relationship, as well as not divorcing you after all." A reversal of what he had said to me two+ weeks ago which fueled my anger then anyway.
Now comes the problem. I'd already accepted he was gone from my life. I filed for custody. I filed my own independent taxes. I never had disclosed to him that I was going to school, getting scholarships and grants for it because of our difficulties. He had said he would stop paying me money then too, because he didnt want me to go to school. He didnt want me to put our daughter into daycare at all. So I simply didnt tell him I was going back. Also, he didnt want to pay extra money for food so I got food stamps, and didnt tell him. By filing with him I may well not qualify for food stamps or grants and scholarships.
I am doing very poorly in school because I am distracted by the relationship problems, and my daughter is always ill because she goes to childcare too. he pays for my rent, my baby medical bills, my internet, cell phone, and some other things if i ask nicely. But he tells me he is wasting money on me and its my fault-because I refuse to live with his family there, and because I rent a place and because he paid $40k in taxes that he 'can't get back' because I am not living with him? I am extremely unhappy with how our relationship goes up and down like a ship at stormy sea. We fight whenever we talk now, and I cry whenever we are done. He always hangs up on me and leaves me feeling disrespected and bad. I had prepared myself to accept there is no one my daughter will be calling daddy. I never expected to be a single mom so it took a lot to get to the point of finally accepting it. Now, I don't want to play with my daughter nor my own heartstrings and get emotionally into something that is a failure again and again, trusting and falling through and through!
I know it’s a test, alhamdulillah. But I don’t know how to pass it.
The threat is pretty clear in his e-mail to me, as well. He hung up on me when I said no the first time on the phone, and the second time he did again when I said no. Clearly he was angry at me because he emailed immediately after to say that I am stupid, (his favorite endearment of me). I made a big mistake, he said, in wasting the money, and that if something is of no value to me, then let it be passed on to others (like my son or his family I guess). “too bad you don’t learn from your mistakes” his final words. So I responded again to him saying that we need marital reconciliation/remediation. He has already shot that one down saying imams have no business in his personal life with their BS. (afstaghfirullah)
He said to me "You are full of hatred for other beings especially my family. You have always blamed them for this whole mess in our relationship when the truth is; we both messed up big time." and
"taxes are important to me because its financial asset to us both. Let me make it clear as I already talked to you about it before. I will need to file taxes with you and our daughter as dependents and if you will not allow me to do that, this will create more problems for us in our relationship. So, if you allow me to do that, I am willing to compromise with you upon our relationship and give it some more time and hopefully workout the issues that we are facing.
Once I am back, I'll visit you and we'll work this out with each other InshAllah tala."
He has made many promises of trying to do things in the past. I am tired of hearing promises because I have a baby to ensure is given a decent life now. I don't know how to be grateful to him because frankly I am disappointed in what he has done. He doesn't ask about our baby, he asks about the paperwork and the taxes. I think my hormonal levels are probably returned a lot more to normal by now too and I had adopted wearing hijab and attending to my daily prayers, alhamdulillah.
If we get together then I would eventually have to accept the family and the other wife (who is probably pregnant or soon to be now). I am very angry because I was kept in the dark, as an invisible wife for years, unable to be accepted until the other marriage was made with the other and then he wanted me to be a secret for two more years but i refused and made it known to them that i was pregnant. Since then, I am having much difficulties in my life. I know a large part of it is that shaytan loves to get in our marriages, and that we must control our nafs. I have been reading a few excellent books about the nafs and self-discipline but a book is a book; real life can be a lot less glamorous.
I have no doubt as to what I want in my life; I want to pursue Islamic and Arabic knowledge. (I've tried at uni level and I am bad at it because my baby is too young.) I am comfortable in hijab now, that's one plus. I won't miss my non-Muslim family and non-Muslim friends here because I am ashamed to say they are nice people but they do not believe in god, the hereafter, and it frustrates me to talk to them and hear their disbeliever speak. But, I hate his family for what they did, I don't know how to forgive them, even if I could have that capability?
I do not want his other wife to have anything to do with my son, for that I am a very jealous mother. This is my beautiful child, mashallah, and my precious gift from Allah that I wish to raise him. Only I am having a hard time doing it here by myself. I realize his family is a lot more Muslim than mine will ever be. 🙁 but if things go wrong there, I will have absolutely no ONE but Allah on my side. No one. They have proven that I am an outsider to them time and time again. If I went there I can see a lot of good things happening, especially as to my son having a Muslim full family exposure. I am afraid of more failure though, I am afraid of my imbalances occuring when I see the other wife pregnant and being treated like a queen when I was abandoned and made to suffer.
I am afraid my husband will not honor his word, since he did not honor other words of the past. So, I do not know what to do? I do not know how to do istikhara although I saw a link on this site and I am going to read it after posting this.
Please help with any advice you can.
Thank you, and may Allah guide us all.
Sister Tarika
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ASSALAMALAIKUM-
FOR ANY MOVE IN YOUR LIFE DO ISTHAKHARA FOR ANY DECISION IN CONSULTATION WITH
ALLAH -HE WILL SAFEGUARD YOU IN ALL RESPECTS.
PL DONT LISTEN TO to any other form isthakhara which HAS MEDIATORS [SOME TV SHOWS THIS MISGUIDED TYPE OF FALSE ISTHAKHARA ......
http://makkah.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/how-to-pray-salat-ul-istikhara.pdf
What is Salat ul Istikhara?
Istikhara (Arabic) means to ask Allah to guide one to the right thing concerning any affair in one’s life, especially when one has to choose between two permissible alternatives, e.g. a career choice, getting married, etc. Similarly, a traveller should consult good righteous persons before setting out on a journey, because Allah says, “And consult them (O Prophet) in affairs (of moment),” (Qur’an, 3: 159) and one of the characteristics of the believers is that “they (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation” (Qur’an, 42: 38). Qatadah said, “Every people who seek the pleasure of Allah and consult with one another are guided to the best course in their affairs.” The traveller should also make istikharah and seek guidance from Allah.
"Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika. wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka
min fadlika al-azimfa-innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta'lamu wala a '
lamu, wa anta 'allamu-l-ghuyub.
How does one pray Salat ul Istikhara?
Salatul Istikharah is a sunnah of the Prophet (s). It is a prayer that one may pray if one must choose between permissible alternatives: it is two non-obligatory rak’at (that can be recited separately or in combination with the regular sunnah prayers or the prayer for entering the mosque [...] during any time of the day or night, and to recite therein whatever one wishes of the Qur’an after reciting al-Fatihah. After the two-rak’ats, one praises Allah and sends salutations to the Prophet sallallahu alehi wasallam and recites the following supplication which has been recorded by al-Bukhari in Jabir’s hadith (see full text below): “The Prophet sallallahu alehi wasallam would teach us al-istikhara for all of our affairs as he would teach us a surah from the Qur’an. He said: ‘If one of you is deliberating over an act, he should pray two non-obligatory rak’at and say:“O Allah, I consult You as You are All-Knowing and I appeal to You to give me power as You are Omnipotent, I ask You for Your great favor, for You have power and I do not, and You know all of the hidden matters . O Allah ! If you know that this matter (then the person reciting the du’a should mention the matter for which he is seeking Allah’s Guidance) is good for me in my religion, my livelihood, and for my life in the Hereafter, (or he said: ‘for my present and future life,’) then make it (easy) for me. And if you know that this matter is not good for me in my religion, my livelihood and my life in the Hereafter, (or he said: ‘for my present and future life,’) then keep it away from me and take me away from it and choose what is good for me wherever it is and please me with it.”
The following hadith (referred above in Fiqh-us-Sunnah) is narrated by Jabir bin Abdullah about Salat-ul-Istikhara in Sahih Bukhari (volume 2, hadith number 263 and again volume 9, hadith 487):
The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara (Istikhara means to ask Allah to guide one to the right sort of action concerning any job or a deed), in all matters as he taught us the Suras of the Quran.
He said, “If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer):
‘Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi’ilmika, Wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, Wa asaluka min fadlika al-’azim Fa-innaka taqdiru Wala aqdiru, Wa ta’lamu Wala a’lamu, Wa anta ‘allamu l-ghuyub. Allahumma, in kunta ta’lam anna hadha-l-amra (then the person reciting the du’a should mention the matter for which he is seeking Allah’s Guidance)
Khairun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa’aqibati amri (or ‘ajili amri wa’ajilihi) Faqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li Fihi, Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadha-lamra shar-run li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa’aqibati amri (or fi’ajili amri wa ajilihi) Fasrifhu anni was-rifni anhu. Waqdir li al-khaira haithu kana Thumma ardini bihi.‘
TRANSLATION
Oh Allah! I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power; I have none. And You know; I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things.
Oh Allah! If in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is good for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge, (this matter*) is bad for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, immediate and in the future, then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it. And ordain for me the good wherever it may be, and make me content with it.
TRANSLITERATION
Allahumma inni astakheeroka bi ilmik. Wa'astaq-diroka biqodratik. Wa'as'aloka min fadlikal-azeem. Fa'innaka taqdiru wala aqdir. Wata lamo wala-a lam. Wa'anta-allamul ghuyoob.
Allahumma in kunta ta lamu anna (hathal-amra*) khayul-lee fi deenee wama ashi wa ajila amri wa'ajilah, faqdorho lee, wayassirho lee, thomma-barik lee fih. Wa'in konta ta lamo anna (hathal-amra*) sharrul-lee fi deenee. Wama ashi. Wa ajila amri. Wa'ajilaho. Fasrifho annee. Wasrifnee anh. Waqdur leyal-khayr haytho kan. Thomma ardini bih.
When making the du'a, the actual matter or decision should be mentioned instead of the words "hathal-amra" ("this matter").
After doing salat-l-istikhara,
YOU MAY FEEL MORE INCLINED TOWARDS THE RIGHT DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
Asalaam alaikum,
While it is evident that your husband made many mistakes in ignoring his responsibility to both his wives, it's also clear that your jealousy got the better of you and destroyed just as much of your life, too. So the problem is manifested in these two aspects: he unable to treat two wives fairly and you unable to accept being a second wife currently as the issue stands. Right now, you're caught in the middle trying to figure out which way is best.
I have to say that it is evident that your husband is only using the financial aspect as a means to manipulate the situation. Any honorable man who loves his child and wants reconciliation with his wife, doesn't hinge it on a dollar figure. He wants the ability to make his tax return a fat one by claiming you on it, but you also need to ensure your stable life, if you decide to end this marriage. Also, it is clear that he will not accept any religious guidance from an outsider, either. Therefore, this cuts off that avenue for you as a resource.
So my advice to you is thus:
1. Be honest with him and tell him that you have grants and financial assistance measures that will NOT allow you to be a dependent on his tax filing. Tell him that you had to take this measure for your child and that it is now a mute point. The issue is dead because he was not financially supporting you and you did what you had to do.
2a. It is possible that he will get angry and leave you, which if this is his action you don't need him anyways. So continue with getting the Islamic divorce methods through your local mosque and involving your imam. You have not said anything concerning your wali/guardian, but you also need to inform them of it, as well.
2b. If this issue is made clear to him, but somehow he is still willing to work it out with you, you need to get control over your jealousy and decide how you want your life to be as a second wife. So you need to sit down and make a schedule of how you want your life to be. If he does not accept it or refuses to discuss it, then you know that he is no longer worth being married to any longer. However, if he is, then you both need to involve the other wife in this scheduling period. This will require a lot of patience on your part, but again, if you do not get this worked out equitably, then you know you cannot keep this marriage.
3. The possible schedule needs to break down into a simple 4/3 day split, she gets him for 4 days and you get him for 3, then the next week, she gets him for 3 days and you get him for 4 days. This will alternate every week. The finances that are yours' remain yours.' You have every right to file independently, because you are not living with them and legally, you cannot commit tax fraud. Shariah specifically states that if you are residing in a country such as Canada, you cannot commit a crime such as this one for convenience. He must be available to you to help you, please you and comfort you. Again, if he is unwilling to do this, then proceed with the Islamic divorce.
4. If you reconcile with him, you are going to have to in some way have a civil relationship with the other wife. First, let me stress that sharing bedroom details is forbidden in Islam, so you don't have to accept this and you should remind her of that, as well. Second, you do NOT have to live with his family. This is a cultural matter and Islamically if you refuse, then there is no blame on you. You seem to have figured out to survive on your own without him and as such, there is no reason to leave what you independently have, as per Islam, the wife controls everything she earns and does NOT have to turn it over to the husband. If he can't do justice to you now, then that is something he should have thought about before.
With these steps and acknowledging the situation as honestly as possible, you should be able to ascertain whether you can do this or not. It's a simple decision, actually, when you base it on facts, truthfulness and knowing your limitations. There is no blame on you if your husband in unjust to you in this matter and you seek to end the marriage, as he would not be fulfilling his Islamic duty and therefore, by leaving this marriage, you both would be saving each other from turning a halal marriage into more misery.
By the way, do either of you do taqleed of any particular marjae? If so, you need to consult the proper rulings in the more intricate details of your life to secure a proper reconciliation or divorce. In this manner, your marriage is bound by the Shi'ite rules, even if your husband refuses to abide by them. Therefore contacting the imam/moulana from your masjid to go about the correct procedure is vital as it varies from Sunni fiqh.
They are more acquainted with Shi'ite theology, perhaps more so than others on this site, so if there is anything you need in that regard according to fiqh, rules of taqleed and what not, please let them or me know by replying back here to this post, as would be appropriate for your situation.
Lastly, if I were to mention how many of the Shi'ite laws and narrations he is violating, I would run out of space on this thread. However, here is one that I remembered reading for your situation.
@Tarika
I wonder, what is so wrong with women these days!
I really do not feel sorry for anyone involved except the innocent children. Imagine, two women competing over an absolutely worthless guy, who's got no character whatsoever.
He's married to you. You get pregnant but he goes on to marry his cousin on his family's insistence. Even the newly wedded wife is seemingly OKAY with the situation (was she already aware of this?!?!?) Then both of you get into competing each other for his attention!!!! What is the wife thinking when she's describing her intimate moments with you? What level have the women reduced themselves to? Is a man (who's a perpetual liar, who's acted like a spineless twerp as and when the situation demanded firm actions, who's manipulated and used women against each other for his SOLE benefit) worthy of our lives?
Imagine, his used his mother as his defence against you, he's using his wife as a defence against you, he am sure is using you as defence against his mother and wife. SO here we have 3 women pitted against each other, fighting each other, making each other's life hellish for a MAN who's having the best of all, without bothering to do anything at all. The 3 of you (you, his new wife, his mother) have made life so easy for him!
Honestly, tell me, we as women have got no other business, than vying for attention of a man, especially the kind you have described?!?!
Please step out of the situation for a moment, and look at it rationally from a 3rd person's perspective, and ask yourself can you admire such a MAN ever OR would you ever consider being part of such a situation?
The fact is neither you or nor the other woman involved are psychotic but please realise you're manipulated into being one. The two of you are bearing the brunt of the wrongdoings of a man, who's got everyone chasing him while he's not concerned for anyone at all.
Honestly, do you see yourself enduring this forever??? He's not concerned at all whether any of you stays or leaves. He knows he's got his backups ready. In fact, imagine, if he's doing this today, when you all are at your "best", what guarantee you have that he wouldn't do the worst when you won't be at your prime. And forget that is marriage all about pleasing or fulfilling our partner's desires / need??? There's a whole lot more to the entire relationship. And like you have said, he's not been there with you when you needed him the most.
Tarika, honestly, get out of this situation. Any woman, with an ounce of self respect doesn;t need this. DO you want your children to grow up watching this nonsense? Just forget there's ANY KIND OF COMPETITION between you and his wife. That's not important at all. What's important is your life, your child!
Get back to school, work hard, study well, secure your and your child's future. If the man values you enough, he's bound to come back and make things respectable for you. If he doesn't, well you have then got nothing to lose. Let the other woman endure him if she's so keen on having someone this kind as a father to her children!
ALLAH doesn't differentiate between his children, if she's trying to feed you on this nonsense. He already knows what all you have put behind to take a step towards him. I can assure you, you're loved as much as anyone who believes in the almighty.
Please be brave and be firm. Step out, go back to school, do well, get your degrees, secure your future. It's worth crying a few years than cry your entire life. In the end, when you look back at your life, you shouldn't feel, you have wasted it COMPETING a woman all for a guy who never deserved it in the first place.
Pray God helps you through this and helps you take the right decision!
"ALLAH doesn't differentiate between his children"
heresy!!!
I don't even know why such comments are published.
Abu Az-Zubayr, I had to edit your comment in order to publish it, because it was so incredibly rude.
Take it easy, brother. The Messenger of Allah (sws) said, “All creatures are Allah’s children, and those dearest to Allah are those who treat His children kindly.” (Al-Baihaqi)
It doesn't mean in a literal sense. Try to understand what people are saying, rather than judging them immediately and harshly.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you, Wael! 🙂
I am afraid of more failure though, I am afraid of my imbalances occuring when I see the other wife pregnant and being treated like a queen when I was abandoned and made to suffer.
Tarika, she knows her husband has another woman in his life! NO matter how things appear on the surface, no normal woman can tolerate this. And if she's able to then you have no reason to compare yourself with her!
And if you're going by the treatment she's been given, then believe me she's living in denial! Let the reality dawn upon her and she'll realise things too. Like i am sure you too had your BEST times with this man but then you had your share of bitter reality too. Right?
Also, like you have already pointed out, the mother is someone who will do everything to make things look right in front of the world. Who knows perhaps even this is all about looking "RIGHT"!
And anyway, why are you even comparing yourself with her? MOVE ON. Focuse on your life. Be constructive. Things will improve once you're in a better state of mind.
To all who read this posting and reply with heartlessness, be cautious. I always put myself in the shoes of the person before I speak.This man is paying her bills.
Ok I suggest you get out of the marriage and keep custody of your son, WHATEVER you do, do NOT travel overseas with this man because you will LOSE all your human rights. You would cry injustice until your throat bled over there if you only knew what the courts decided and how corrupt it is, but imagine you crying injustice for yourself.
What you need to do is first of all, don't be so fundamental. Islam was never created to ask you to leave your family behind, even if they're not muslims. Sure you shouldn't drink or eat pork, and keep your prayers, but otherwise you don't have to be a pillar of Islam changing the energy of everyone around you. Just live life. I am too a revert so I know what I'm talking about.
Get support from your family. They're your parents.. simblings. Get their support to suppliment the things that this man gives to you, so you can get out from under the strong fear of his financial support. As for a father figure, no father figure is much better than a bad one. If you keep your son around this man and his family, he will grow to either hate his father, or disrespect you.
I know this is hard but you've shown just by being independent and going to school and such that you're capable of moving the world around you to help you survive when you need to. Stay strong sister. Salam
xx
Salam o alaikum,
Sister Tarika - Being ungrateful for what you have and fretting over what you could have had or you think you could have had or should have is exactly the kind of behavior that Islam teaches us to refrain from.
Alhamdulillah in every situation, regardless of what it is, someone passed away? you lost wealth? health? children? be it anything, Alhamdulillah.
After doing that what you must focus on is what you have that millions even billions around the world dont. yes, sit down and make a list and please be fair in it and dont limit it to comparing it with ur next door neighbor only. Next what you should do is look at the good that your husband has done for you, its understandable that he can only register one wife however to all the people that he loves and cares for like his mom, his other wife etc he has given you that status and is honoring the nikah.
You have listed things that you have done to disobey him, at the same time u take advantage of what he is providing for you - i do not understand, do you respect this guy? or you just want the expenses from him and do what ever you feel is right?
I understand you are thinking of what your rights are but have u given thought to what his rights are? I'm quite surprised that noone has posted all the hadith about a husbands rights over his wife, are u fulfilling those?
Maybe you dont really need arbitration, all you need to do is fulfil your husbands rights first in terms of repect, honesty and obedience. Do that and come back after 3 months and write to this forum on how things are - InshaAllah swt, i can gurantee you will have much better things to say - less complaints more gratefulness.
Regards,
Saqib
HELLO SAQIB BHAI ASSLAMALAIKUM-
MALE U CANT UNDERSTAND THE PLIGHT OF A FEMALE-
YOUR TALK IS UNFAIR REMEMBER THE GIRL IN THE SUBJECT IS A REVERT[SHE CAME TO SEEK ALLAH] AND YOU WILL BE ANSWERABLE TO ALLAH IF YOU FVAOUR THE WRONG MAN FOR INJUSTICE MEANING THE HUSBAND IS A SHIA AND 1ST OF ALL HE IS GIVING WRONG IMPRESSION OF ISLAM AMD MUSLIMS TO THIS GIRL SHE IS COMING TO THIS FORUM TO SEEK TRUE JUSTICE AND RIGHT PATH WHICH IS ISLAM NOT THE SHIA ISLAM-
iIs understandable that he can only register one wife however to all the people that he loves and cares for like his mom, his other wife etc he has given you that status and is honoring the nikah.
HE IS NOT DOING A FVOUR BY HIDING AND HIS WIFE IDENTITY-TELLING LIES IN A MOSQUE-I hoped to impress her, but she took me aside inside the mosque and said 'don't tell everyone I am your mother in law, say i am your friend'.[SEE THE ETHICS IN HER SUCH A LIAR CAN DO ANYTHING]
INSTEAD HE IS DOING OPPRESSION ON HER-1ST OF ALL HER HUSBAND HAS TO OPENLY INTRODUCE TO EVERY ONE ABOUT HER AS ISLAM TEACHES-NOT AS HIS MOTHERS DESIRE WHICH WRONG BY HIDING HER FROM THE WORLD PLAYING TRICKS WITH HER...
YOU KNOW WHO IS A REVERT........
A REVERTS GENERATION COMES IN TO THE FOLD OF ISLAM TILL THE DAY OF JUDGMENT AND THE 1ST TO COME IS TREATED LIKE THIS THEN NO ONE WILL TURN TO ISLAM FOR THE BAD EXAMPLE THAT SHIA HUSBAND HAS PROVED TO HER.
all you need to do is fulfil your husbands rights first in terms of repect, honesty and obedience. Do that and come back after 3 months
THIS IS VERY BAD ANSWER FOR GIRL WHO IS ALREADY IN TENSION.
PL HOLD ON AND THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWER LIKE THIS-Do that and come back after 3 months and write to this forum on how things are - YOU ARE TELLING HER GO SUFFER MORE AND TAKE THE RISK AND COME BACK INSTEAD OF ASSURING HER THAT ALLAH WILL HELPS THOSE ARE PATIENT-PATIENCE MEANS NOT GOING BACK TO THE OPPRESSORS- FOR MORE SUFFERING.
HOPE YOU WILL HAVE LITTLE COMPASSION IN YR TALK FOR A REVERT
REGARDS ALI YOUSUFF.
Tarika,
Your situation is very distressing.... Your husband sounds like a person who is used to getting what he wants.... His mother, his western wife, his eastern wife, his tax reclaims, etc. Him, him and more of him. I am sure he has wonderful attributes, that is what caused you to fall in love in the first place. However, will the road you are on lead you to happiness and contentment? Will your child witness the turmoil in your life and marriage, perhaps affecting him later on? That is something you need to work out for yourself....
Also, it appears that you are very isolated and alone. You should have some support from friends/family (non-muslims are still people - even the Prophet Muhammad visited his Jewish neighbor) and enormous inner strength to introspect and make clear decisions. I sincerely hope that you find the happiness and peace that you are looking for....
I too am a revert sister and after hearing all these stories about fellow revert sisters finding themselves in horrible marriage situations with nobody to turn to I am quite sick to my stomach and
It seems that alot of the good teachings of Islam are just ignored because men want their "rights" irrespective of whether their spouses or children are hurt in the process. Does Islam not teach us to not harm a fellow Muslim? After all before we are spouses to each other we are brothers and sisters in Islam...
Where can these sisters turn to for practical help? Yes the religious recourse should be the first option but if a sister is physically and emotionally struggling what should she do?
Women should really educate themselves well on their rights and where they can turn to should they have issues. Also screening future spouses well including not just taking their word on their level of faith, family structure etc but doing your own research in an Islaamic way of course is very important, you have to Insha Allah spend the rest of your life with this person.
For the sister in this situation: Allah in his wisdom created you with feelings and emotions, he even went as far as saying that men should understand this and treat women kindly. Yes there are a few things you could've done differently and I am sure you have repented and regretted those things, but being persecuted, lied to and treated like a second class person is not right.
Earnestly pray to find a way out of this situation and thank you for posting your story, it is a clear warning to others.
May Allah watch over you and your child.
Your sister in Islam