I feel betrayed and devastated and don’t know what to do as my husband doesn’t trust me.
Assalam O Alaikum,
I've been married for three years to someone I was in love with. We really wanted each other and we were so happy.. in the beginning. Before we were engaged and used to talk on the phone, chat, meet up etc. He then found the password to one of my old accounts I used to chat with. He found out that I used to chat with other guys but it was all clean i never flirted or asked for their numbers or even told anyone who i was. There were some emails about nikah which i wasn't aware of and didn't think i had because i never talked to a guy in that way. He also found out i used to do prank calls to a guy but i never flirted or talked in a bad way at all. Although all of this is wrong I didn't go as far as other people go. I have never had a boyfriend or met up with any other person or anything.
I was 17 around the time and I used to tell him about the people who used to look at me or try to follow me because i wanted him to be jealous (yes i was verry dumb) Basically i told him all of my little secrets which aren't bad compared to todays society or teens. So we had so much problems and fights and crying whole nine yards. I started to fix myself and repented for everything i have done and alhamdillah became a much better person.
Fast forward. At the age of 19 we got married and then had a child. He is still insecure, suspicious, and can be so evil. He has beaten me three times because of his jealous rages. I DO NOT DO ANYTHING, I DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE, I DON'T EVEN HAVE FRIENDS. He goes crazy when I am invited to a wedding and its not even mixed. He gets crazy when men come over the house and they aren't even in my house, he curses me by calling me a B---- and a SL-- and all the other words. I don't even do anything, I don't even go outside or visit family, talk to anyone. Its been over 7 years and he still hasn't gotten over the fact that I was 17 and stupid and now I am a grown-up woman.
He says he wants to separate and divorce me and if I don't separate he is going to tell everyone about our past and ruin my reputation. Everyone that knows me adores me because I am a nice person and very respectful. He wants to hurt me and my family by blackmailing me. Wallahi I have done everything for him, from clipping his toe nails to polishing his shoes and the works. I have done everything I can as a Muslim wife and still he isn't satisfied. I was always a good girl until he came into my life. I was pure when he married me and he was my first everything after marriage.
I feel so betrayed and devastated he would consider to blackmail me after everything I have done for him. I feel so sad and sorry for myself and how I have allowed this to happen. I have no idea what to do? I plan on going to my home country so that I am away from him and that he would stop hurting me and breaking my heart. I think separation would be a wise decision right now, so that he sees whether or not I was a positive impact on his life or if divorce is an option. He has accused me for so many things that I would never do and is suspicious about everything. I need some guidance and pray to Allah to stop me from loving him so much. I don't want to anymore, and want to be strong.
Betrayed.
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Salaams,
I'm going to make this very simple, and I'm sure you will get some other, more in depth responses as well.
Your husband is a controlling, abusive man.
He will not change.
He will never be satisfied with anything you do to please him, because he does not think the way a normal person does.
You should leave him.
Do it for your sake and your child's sake, because statistics have shown that it will only get worse from this point. Get out while you can.
Trust me, you will be better off for it.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikumsalam, sis if you haven't done anything wrong u shouldnt be worried. Your husband has a lot to lose.. Forgive me if I'm wrong but he sounds insecure. Do dua to Allah may you find sukoon inshallah.
From clipping his toe nails? Lol! I know this is No laughing matter, but sister, thank you for making me smile even though I have a Huge headache right now. Shokran..
Anyway, well ya Rab, your husband sounds like he is rather insecure about himself. I think you proved to him that you love him, and you are loyal to him. Divorce is rather a good option, but it's not the Best option. Islam doesn't like divorces, right? Have you considered a trial separation? I like your idea of getting away from him for a while and let him see what impact you made in his life. That is good.. But I suggest you try to go see Imam/Islamic counsellor/his parents to discuss this issue. I know you love him, you do. Maybe he doesn't see/realise that. I have 100% faith that you can still save this marriage.. isA
Sister, I'm still so young, 21, but well, I still think divorce is not the Best solution. Try to save your marriage first okey..
p.s : Well, unless the beatings got worse, then divorce is the Only option..
May Allah help you
Keep us updated
salam
Salaams,
No sister should have to wait until "beatings get worse". One beating is already one too many, and grounds enough to leave on that alone.
There are several classic signs that this relationship is already unhealthy, and taking a trial separation can only make things worse or at the very least, not improve it. Drastic situations take drastic measures. The following things she mentioned tell me that escaping the situation is truly the best option (for anyone who is being abused):
He is....
-unforgiving about past mistakes
-unreasonable about things that took place before he was a part of her life
-preventing her from having friends, visiting family, or attending acceptable social functions
-suspicious and jealous of other men unnecessarily
- using verbal abuse (calling her curse names)
-threatening to blackmail her to maintain control
-beating her
If this has been going on for 7 years, enough is enough.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mira,
God forbid, if you ever end up with husband who beats you, threatens to blackmail you, swears at you etc, please attempt to take a dose of your own advice.
My comment may have a tinge of sarcasm, but this infuriates me. How can anyone, especially a woman advise a woman who has been beaten by her husband three times already to hang around and wait till the beatings get worse! Allah did not create women to be punching bags or the inferior sex. So please, step out of the cultural closet you are stuck in and learn about the rights that Allah gave women.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Didnt you read what I wrote about them going to see an imam/islamic marriage counselor. How come you only read what u want to read? Its ok to critise/telling some of my advice is wrong, im open to it, I stated im young, but to be sarcastic about it and shoot me down? This is why muslims who is not that knowlegeable about islam like me perhaps is discouraged to even try to help others. Il just leave everything to wiser people then. Salam
Míra, I'm not any wiser and yes, I could have and should have left out the šárcasm. But this issue of domestic violence is so frustrating. Women end up falling weak and giving too many chances, they don't seem to understand that it is never ok to wait for your husband to beat you more before deciding to divorce.
I personally know women in this situation and they are sitting waiting for the same thing. Why? Because even though the husband spits on one of the sisters and in her cooking, twists her wrist, slaps, pushes, corners her....apparently thats not ground enough to leave him. These kind of měn do not agree to counselling or to anything 'normal' unless they get a loud wake up call from the police.
Again, I apologise for coming across as I did. At the same time, I hope women wake up.
SisterZ
Salam dear sister Mira,
I believe sisterZ has your interest at heart. She was probably worried about your acceptance of beatings until they got worse and wanted to make sure that, that will not be something you take in the future.
Sister Z, you start your reply by just addressing her as Mira, before you "shot", which made you seem angry. Though you meant well, please remember that we are not hearing each other's kind voices and looking at kind and concerned facial expressions.
Muneerah, you are right. I did just shoot off. That was not the best manner in which to speak or advise anyone, be it in person or in writing. InshaAllah I will remember this in future. JazaakAllahkhayr.
SisterΖ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salamualaikum,
My sister, Allah does not leave His believing slaves alone, especially when they trust in Him.
Secondly, my sister, with a short term sight, I see that you should separate from him by way of divorce, but this may not be the best option. You should probably try other options before you can ask him to divorce you.
One way is as you mentioned, separation. But I believe he will reveal all of your secrets (by adding a hundred lies to it) out of anger that you dared to leave him, while he was planning to leave you.
This is a possibility. Hence, I see that the best course of action is to discuss with him when he is in a good mood about what is going on in his mind, and if his behavior is really for what you did at the age of 17 or there's something else.
Most of the times, such misunderstanding create such tensions.
Discuss with him gently and see if it works.
But, if it all fails and he is stubborn upon the divorce, I think you should take it and stay with your parents.
And sister, have patience all the time and know that Allah is up there, Watching you and He Loves you. He is with those who have patience.
I pray that He makes happen, whatever is good for you
aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother,
A man is verbally and physically abusive to his wife. So how will it make a difference if the wife attempts to discuss 'his behaviour' 'gently' with him? This man has no respect, so the last thing he will do is sit back quietly and listen to his wife discussing his mistreatment of her.
This woman should go to her parents and any further communications should be held through her parents.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SisterZ, perhaps you can stop your ranting on everyone's comment, you've made your point, let others have their say and finally let the sister decide.
Be objective and stop judging things like you know the guy and their relationship inside out without a shadow of a doubt.
I would love to know how someone can use the word "objective" about physical abuse.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Saqib,
If something seems wrong and could prove to be dangerous for a Muslim, it becomes the duty of another Muslim who is witnessing this, to warn him/her. If someone's comment seems harmful for the poster, then it is the duty of whoever's reading, to warn the commenter.
This is what SisterZ did. And this is no rant. This is the truth. The sister is being physically abused, being gentle may give her husband another chance to beat her.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't see any constructive advice or words of comfort given by you Saqib, apart from your malé chauvenistic moan.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Saqib just reading your comment says alot about you. Its as if your trying to justify her husband's treatment towards her by saying 'oh you don't know the inside out of their relationship'.
All I want to say is u should not let him beat you sister
If he try to do it again you should call the police.
May Allah bring him in a right path
God bless you.!
SisterZ,
Yes, I think you're right . And this seems to be better, that she moves to her parents and they proceed further.
Jazakillahu Khair
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sallam
work on building trust! lieing playing games broke the trust you had!! so work on building it!!
Allah hafiz
Salaams,
I really don't think the things she did as a teenager, two years before she married, count as telling lies or playing games with him. Based on the information provided, nothing she did during the marriage was untoward.
Even still, no fault or flaw in a person merits any kind of abusive reaction from their spouse. Telling someone to try to earn back the trust of an abuser (as they typically don't trust anyone, even those who deserve it) is like telling a poor person to buy a mansion.
To everyone: please take the time to learn about abusive relationships and the type of men who allow themselves to raise their hands against women. There is a distinct profile that they all fit, and you can't compare them to a regular man. They are not reasonable, they don't look for compromise, and they sure don't care about how their actions affect those they are hurting. All they care about is being in control, whatever that takes. If that means accusing you of being immoral when you're not, mistrusting you even though you are trustworthy, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you understand he's the boss, you are nothing without him, and if you try to go against him in any way he will make your life hell.
There's no reasoning with someone like that, there's no sharing your feelings with them so they understand things better, there's no fixing a mistake so he can trust you again. There's only his truth, and if says you are a liar and a cheat and an ugly pile of vomit that no man would ever love, then you better believe him....because if you don't, he might slap you a few times and lock you in a room for the night so you can get with HIS program.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Sister in question,
InshaAllah, you are doing okay.
Your last paragraphy sums up everything:
Sister, please read your own words again and again. Read it as though it is not coming from you but from another sister. What would be your suggestion to her? What would you tell her to do? Think about it. This girl (yourself) in question is extremly upset and hurt by her abusive husband that she still loves as well as have a responsibilty to look after jherself and to raise her child in a peaceful home envirnment.
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Sister, since you love him despite he treating you really bad, my advise to you is your own advise:
Sister you do that! And if he ever comes for you not just once but again and again, then as you said:
, then you have to become extremely firm and set some strict conditions on him, that you will only and only return to his home if he will never abuse you and will treat you well. He may promise to that and if he ever breaks the reconciliation (his promise) then LEAVE him for good, and live a peacefull life with your child. However, if he fails to come to you more than once, then you yourself should seek divorce from him. Don't let him play around with your life and your child's life. He has to mature up and take responsibilty of you and yours&his child.
And sister for guidance, do istekhara if you are unsure to leave him or not and also very important: involve your adults from your family (your in-laws, your parents, brothers, uncles, etc)
May Allah (swt) makes your marriage life easy for you.ameen.
Your sister, Parveen
-x-
Dear Sister
Assalamualikum
Hearing your story my eyes fill up with tears.
Coz um also a victim like but the case is different he is an addict.
I pray for you to solve all of your problem.
Live with your parents coz u have the option.May b they r capable.
But my situation is worst than u coz my parents r not capable.
i have to suffer.
Pray for me.
I have a kid 4 yrs old.
Keep strong.
No need to love him .
Love yourself.