In love with a guy who I want to marry but he is delaying marriage.
I have been in a haram relationship with a guy for 2 years now. Although, I know that it is haram but it happened before I starting practising my religion properly and I cannot stop loving him.
I know that loving someone is not haram but acting upon it is forbidden.
I want to marry him but he says that; he want to wait a couple of years until he is financially stable and more mature.
I have recently started praying and I am trying to become a better Muslim. I am also trying to get him to practice his religion properly and learn more about it but it is a slow process.
We always argue and it’s frustrating at times as we argue on very little issues, I vowed to never leave him and that is the promise I do not intend to break. Arguments are becoming very strenuous with every day passing and I feel unhappy, sad and helpless all the time. I am a very upbeat and bubbly person in general and this is becoming a problem as people are beginning to notice my sadness.
I don’t want to tell people about my problems as they will know about our relationship which is haram. I don’t know what to do in this situation as my family and friends do not understand, as a result I feel lonely and unhappy. This is probably due to my haram actions. I know that, many of you out there will say, I deserve this because this is forbidden in Islam but, I didn’t choose to fall in love as my emotions will not allow me to think straight.
I love him too much and I want this to work as I know it can but these arguments are just too much for me. I don’t talk to any other guy and he says that he does not talk to any other girl. I used to believe him but he has started to lie about very little things and hasn’t got his priorities in the right place. Every time I try to talk to him, we end up arguing because he thinks that I am just angry and shouting at him but I can’t make him understand me either.
I tried to perform Istikhara for guidance but I kept on crying throughout my prayers and I don’t know what answers I got. Every one told me that my Istakhara is not 100% correct so I shouldn’t trust it. Is anyone else going through the same situation, which can help me? I would request everyone to not to judge me and tell me that I deserve it because it is haram. I am looking for some guidance please.
Jazak-um-ullah khairan.
Bint Aadam.
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Assalaamu alaikum sister Bint Aadam.
I am sorry to hear the difficulties you are going through. Its always horrible when a relationship starts to fall apart. I am pleased to hear that Alhumdulilah you are trying to get close to your deen.
Forgive me my dear sister, I will not judge you - as only Allah swt has this right
You need to let your relationship with this man go. I know that is very very hard to hear. If this man was interested in walking along the same path as you - looking into his deen and marrying you - I would advise differently.
At the moment you are thinking with your heart (that you love him), but love alone is not enough to succeed. You need to have understanding and to want the same things. If you are having these problems now, and if he was willing to marry you, after marriage these problems will just get worse.
2 years is a long time to wait, and many guys also ask the girl to wait until they are financially stable/ready/until a problem is sorted. What usually happens is 5/6 years past and the couple are no closer to marrying or eventually the guy gets bored and leaves her, maybe for another girl. He just wants temporary companionship, not marriage. If he wanted marriage, he would have taken the steps and not made excuses.
Deep down my dear sister, I am sure you know all this in your instincts.
Allah swt has called you back to Him, so turn to Him, make tawbah for your sins and know that He loves you. If you give this man up for the sake of Allah swt, it will hurt for a time yes, but you will be abundantly rewarded.
You have 2 options:
- Stay with him in this unhappy relationship, try to practice your deen and 'hope' that he will marry you one day - but he may not. Things most likely will go downhill from here. Again you deserve more than this.
- Accept the truth, turn to Allah in repentance and ask for the strength to leave the guy. It will be hard at first, but in the long run you will be much happier without him.
I urge you to take this opportunity my dear sister and run towards Allah swt. Not everyone gets this chance. InshaAllah Allah swt will reward you with a good pious, loving husband and most importantly Jannat! Ameen
I am sorry if any of what I said hurt you or was upfront. Whatever you do, dont ignore your instincts. Love you for Allahs sake sister!
If you need any additional advice from any editors/readers, feel free to write on here
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Bint Aadam, I am sorry for the situation that you are in. These types of situations seem to be all to familiar. What Sara has said is true so I am not going to repeat everything that she has said. I will say a few things though. One: the sign (billboard) is absolutely the truth. Relationships are not supposed to be secret, at least not for a prolonged period of time. Two years is quite a bit of time to keep this a secret. Two: the guy is delaying marriage. Now this could mean one of two things...either he is interested (still) and is understandably wanting to be in a better position to be with you or he is stringing you along until someone else comes along. Which of these possible scenarios is it? Its tough to know...only he and maybe his family know this. Three: the arguments...this is serious, especially since it has been escalating and getting more frequent. Now I'm not saying that having fights/arguments is wrong...they can actually be healthy as long as they don't occur all the time and are not severe. Disagreements here and there are okay. Like Sara said...if these arguments are occuring now before you are married and they are bad , they tend to only get worse after marriage. The reason for this is that marriage in and of itself brings its own set of responsibilites/duties. I am not judging you but this is not a situation for you or anyone else to be involved in. This is a situation that unfortunately has been created and needs to be dealt with soon. You say you love this guy but also know that love doesn't truly occur until after marriage. If you are aware of this then you must be aware of the fact that you are being guided by infatuation. Infatuation, unfortunately is a very powerful force/emotion and can blind even the most clear headed, intelligent people. It makes you think and do things that you normally would not or should not do. Two years is a long time to invest in someone only to have to walk away from them. But you have to ask yourself, if the situation is already like this and now you notice that he is starting to lie, even about little things, what makes you think that the lies won't get bigger/worse? What I would suggest is that you sit down and talk to this guy and really figure out what he wants. Hopefully you will be able to get the answers that you need/want. But if you don't then I think you need to do as Sara has instructed and leave this situation/guy. I hope that this helps.
With all due respect, if you are arguing now and things get that bad...how do you imagine it to be if you ever are married? Do you think things will be better? Do you think things will change? I'm here to tell you, they won't. Red flags are all over the place. Sister Sara and Need Answers have given invaluable information to you which I hope you read several times over. They are providing you information which if you follow, may change your life for the best. Good luck to you...peace.
Assalamu aleikum Bint Aadam....
My sister may Allah subhanahu wata ala guide all of us. After this..
"Because you already know where you are to cure your desease you are to take an action. try to be more in action and less in words, since you already know what to do"
1. You know where you are is forbidden in Islam.
2. You say "I promised to be with this guy although I know this relationship is haram".
3. You 100% know this guy is nothing for you, but using and endangering your here and hereafter life.
4. You know, if you die today (do you know how long you will live and wait for him..never) Allah will punish you for your sins, if He wants, because you did not repent as you did not leave the sin nor you want to leave as you are saying "I I vowed to never leave him"....
5. This guy is nothing for you my sister he is neither your husband nor your relative, so what are you waiting for??? you already know that you are in sins and you gain the wrath of Allah whenever you are in your home in this situation......
Solution...
Choose Allah rather than your boy/man friend.
Whoever leave something for the sake of Allah, He never forget and never leave him/ her in empty my sister, so "leave this man and situation for sake of Allah and never get into such situation. Believe in Allah and go forward"...
Jazakallahu kheiran and thanks for seeking advice and this is part of Allah`s mercy upon you.
Assalami aleikum sister in Islam.
Abdullah.
since last 2 years imy wife is not talking to me... i tried to talk to her by calling her at her place many times but her parents abuse me and thn keep the phone... i sent her for delivery and since thn problems started.... her father abused my mother and insulted my whole family but thn too me and my family were ready to forgive them but thn too they dint send her and neither did she come back...i went to see my son after delivery but her father dint allow me to enter her house and insulted me and sent me back... she is leaving her life happily with my son and i am dieing here day by day... pls suggest me wht can i do.. my parents even req a daughter in law who can take care of them... i am working abroad and they r in india in mumbai and my wife at her moms place in hyderabad... now i want to know since me and my wife both r not talking to eachother since last 2 yrs is it a kind of divorce between us...behind all this pronlems which i am facing is my mother in law... she is washing my wifes brain... and now my wife hates me thn anybody else in this world... we were so happy b4... plss tell me wht should i do...
Asalaamualaykum Brother,
I am sorry for the difficulties you are in. If you want to know anything regarding legalities of Islamic divorce, you must consult with a qualified Imam/Mufti. For anything else, please log in a submit your question as a separate post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
arguiing is never good
ever
he seems to be delaying marriage because he's a fool some men are we've all come to learn that it's sad but from experience very true
ask yourself who do you love more? allah who we should be willing to do anything for even kill our loves or this boy?i love allah more so it eases the hard difficutly of leaving the love but make dua' thats the best tool
don't commit sin it's all too easy to fall for their trap lies and words then they leave you so even in casual no-sexu relationship there still may be minor physical relations and this is gunnaa so stay away and make du'a he wants marriage and may allah give you the best outcome but whatever it is accept it and be happy because yu may be guided towards someone better so trust in allah please and smile be happy
email me if you want more advice i'm going through something similar
but i have chosen to repent and ask allah to strenghten his imaan
please sister don't be fooled if he loved you he;d want to marry you now
Sister Aneesa
I am in similar situation and have been praying to Allah to make him a muslim, as he asked about Islam and has been watching National Geographic movies about hajj etc...I need to know how you are making duas...I have been asking Allah to guide this man during my sajda in salah because he has a wonderful character and is very respectful of me (we had NO physical realtionship)...I need to talk with you. How do we contact each other? Even my friend went for hajj last year and made dua at al-haram to ask Allah to make him bring me for hajj as he had promised me that. I don't mind sharing a new email account I made just for getting in touch with you.
if my email isn't allowed to be posted could the moderators kindly send it to the above poster somehow then as this is her wish INshallah
sister my advice here would be that you should make du'a and BELIEVE IN IT because mashallah my du'a was answered even in times of hardship when I thought he'd never love me etc allah has guided him to me after all scandal etc so when you think it's not going to work keep having faith please
but even if it doesn't then still be happy
is he willing to convert / revert in the name of love/ you ? for you? if no then there's your answer. if yes he should go ahead and take shahadah with all his heart
if he doesn't want to convert please sister no matter how much you love him remember a slave that is a muslim is better than a non-believer so try be happy and move on and do good by allah and he will do good by you inshallah 🙂 be strong smile and remember not having your love isn't the worst thing in the world because others suffer in many other ways too you will get over it
let me know tc
life's too short to not hold your head up high grit your teeth and accept hard ships and times because we all have to face allah one day and this life is so short that no matter what you should be gratful for what you do have once in a while instead of begging allah for more - though there's nothing wrong with that just remember to humble your heart and you'll be strong inshallah but as i said life is too short to feel like you cant get on with it and youre in so much pain try to smile sis inshallah tc
hehe aw bless you sister
As a young muslimah honestly i don't know much about isti.... and tbh i believe more in du'a than anything else. PATIENCE sister. if im brutally honest it sounds like you're holding on to him. how about just getting on with your life and then when you least expect it allah will reward you as long as you fulfil your duties this is something i don't doubt and inshallah in this lifetime you'll realise this too
i dont know the moderators cant connect us but there isn't much else i can say except believe in allah first and foremost he is most powerful and don't be sad sister please there's more to life than not having the one you love not love you back everything happens for a reason and remember a slave is better than a non muslim
make du'a he reverts if he isn't willing to for you then his loss as rememebr this life is short and as a kaafir he will be in the hellfire sadly so remember the akhiraa too please dont lose perspective sis
Istikhara is dua'.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
oh then i guess i'm referring to what ive read where people believe certain colours in their dreams represent something which i dont believe in
I wish I could find the guy who invented these ideas about Istikhara being based on dreams and colors in dreams, and box his ears. All of that is not from the Sunnah. Istikhara is a specific dua' that we say to Allah, asking Him to bring the good to us, and keep the harm from us. And then we trust Allah to guide us to the best course of action.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The moderators removed my email address..I have posted a new post (my 1st time here) which gives some idea of what I am going thru but I really need to talk about what you wrote above about your situation and Alllah made the guy come back to you. I have done istikhara all throughout knowing him and never saw/felt anything negative. My 80 yr old pious dad did it on his own without me asking him (he wants to see me happy with a husband during his lifetime like any other dad - and called me that he saw a dream 2 nights in a row that the guy was talking with his daughters and me me and telling them that we all have to live together - maybe that was a dream that my father wishes and saw what his heart desires for his daughter.
So HOW can I get in touch with you Sr. Aneesa pleeeease!! Moderators, please connect us!!
Wael - Br, why can you not connect me and Sr. Aneesa via emails? PLEASE, I am hurting and need support of someone who has been thru sort of similar situation
Alright, I will do Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor