Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is hardly a husband…I feel so neglected

Muslim woman

Salaam

I don’t know where to start. There’s so much. I’ve been married 5 yrs now and I am deeply unhappy so much so that I am now falling into depression and my parents and friends are worried as I am no longer the person I used to be.

My husband doesn’t love me and he openly says this. We’ve had a lot of problems which aren’t getting better. It’s a vicious circle. No matter what I do, he and his family are not happy with me. He tells me that if I found someone else he’d let me go. But I can’t do this as it’s sin as I am still married. He says he just wants me to be happy and feels guilty divorcing me.

We had an arranged marriage as I wanted to do things Islamically. I had no past but he told me he was in an intimate relationship with a girl for 9 yrs which her parents never agreed to their marriage but that he repented and was ready to do things right. I believed him but found out after marriage that he wasn’t over her. She was deeply integrated into his family house and she had their house keys etc. I found messages and calls between them, but then she moved on and married someone else. My husband's mum blames me and says I tricked him into marriage and that I am just after his money even though Allhumdalilah I am well off. She stole my clothes, ransacked our bedroom, swore at me etc...she still says swear words about me behind my back to my husband as I have seen her messages to him about me and he goes along with it.

We aren’t allowed to legally register our marriage as his mum doesn’t want us to and says I want his money and my husband agrees with his parents. He says they’re worried and old etc...so we just have a nikkah. We aren’t allowed to live more than 10 min away because my husband wants to keep his parents happy so we live in one of his dad's houses next door to his parents. His parents have the keys to our house. My husband lied that his parents don't have keys, but I found out he does because my stuff was being moved in the bedroom a few times and things were thrown in the drive way from our freezer. I told my husband stuff is being moved but he said it’s in my head etc...So I put a camera and found his mum in the house in our bedroom on many occasions. Which I told my husband. I am not allowed to change the front door lock as he says it’ll make things worse. We got an alarm system but my husband doesn’t alarm it always and then his key fob wasn’t working so his mum came again.

He usually comes home late as he often goes Pokémon hunting and is at his parents or friends so I sleep alone mostly. I feel scared, have nightmares, and uneasy so I’ve started to lock the bedroom door with his consent. He rarely sleeps at the same time as me so it makes no difference to him. He often sleeps downstairs comes up at 4/5am etc...he rarely touches me intimately. Probably once every 6 months. And when I moan and say anything he says I want too much intimacy.

On our days off he mostly goes out with his parents and sister or friends or football and tells me he’ll be home late or go to my parents who live an hour away. We spend almost no time together. I have to plead and argue and beg him to spend any time with me or have intimacy. He doesn’t feel the need naturally. Then when I ask him why he says he needs a bond and there’s no trust and girls need more attention than guys etc...he says I am too clingy...I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried seeing his parents alone to make an effort. I cook what he likes to eat. I've even tried getting into Pokémon and staying out till 1am to do it but nothing I do is enough!

I make myself look nice. Everyone says I am a sensible and pretty girl. I am quiet compared to my husband, as he is loud and very streetwise. What am I lacking? He is Guyanese and I am Pakistani. He says I am too sensitive when I moan.

He comes home from work 9.30 when he’s not busy Pokémon hunting or with friends and family... otherwise it’s usually midnight or after. All I ask is to spend one day a week together. I want to decorate the house, do painting and gardening, and go to Ikea etc. together but he has no interest, so I’ve been using my money and doing stuff alone... but I am not happy. I’ve been living out of a mini fridge for months with no freezer. It’s so hard to cook. I have to get things fresh. I’ve asked him many times "let’s get a fridge and freezer I’ll pay half the money" but he’s still not interested. I’ve asked him about 6 times now. He doesn’t pay bills on time. He gets parking tickets all the time. He takes his parents and sister on holiday without me but never goes on holiday with me. Then when I say something he says I need to take initiative and book something and he’ll come. But when I try he finds excuses and then I find out he’s going on holiday with his sister or parents or other places.

I feel he hates me. Every single time I suggest an idea to bring love or a bond like going shopping together or cinema or decorating or even holiday or buying a fridge he just says the marriage isn’t stable, he doesn’t trust me, so there’s no point. He keeps talking about divorce. At the beginning of our marriage when I found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend I used to bring up divorce a lot but I was upset and angry and I said sorry and have now moved past it. Also it’s sin to use it so trivial. It’s been 5 yrs now and he’s saying the same thing.

No matter what I do he just doesn’t want to spend time with me or show any affection or move forwards. The odd time he might is if he sees that I am down so we might go out once a few months but other times I am usually alone. I am nearly 31, he’s nearly 34, and I really want kids. Have wanted them for years. But he says again the marriage isn’t stable and he’ll see next year. I am getting older... I want to move forwards now in this marriage but he’s full of doubts. I’ve asked him many times to see an imam with me but he doesn’t want to. I am extremely hurt... all I do is cry. I’ve turned to Allah swt for the past few yrs. I pray my 5 times I try to be good. I am a simple responsible girl. I am educated Alhumdullilah an optometrist and my husband is a doctor.

My parents want to talk to his parents but his parents don’t want to get involved and my husband doesn’t want them to talk either. My husband goes to jummah prayer, doesn’t drink or smoke etc....he doesn’t know how to read the Quran but I don’t think he’s a bad person per say so I am confused. He behaves like a child and just cares about keeping his parents and sister happy which I understand but why do I feel so neglected then? Are husbands like this? He never messages me during the day even though in the beginning I always did. I see him online constantly but he ignores me. At home he’s glued to his phone. He drives whilst playing games on his phone.

My self esteem has gone. I feel I’ve given up on this world and just think about Jannah inshallah. My parents have forced me to see my doctor who wants me to see a counselor but it doesn’t change my circumstances. I am scared of divorce. I don’t want to go to hell. Will I go to hell if I do take divorce? My husband feels guilty, I think, if he divorces me. He feels guilty for my future. But I feel the lack of love and loneliness and control from his mum is really hurting me mentally. I feel withdrawn. I have prayed istikhara many times. My parents want me to look for someone else and leave him but I can’t do it as it’s haram I am still married so I told them I am looking but I am not. When I tell him he shouldn’t feel guilt he says he doesn’t want a divorce, but there’s no trust bond etc...but then he doesn’t want to change anything to fix it.

He tells me to just accept him how he treats me and that’s his personality and that he will play on his phone when driving etc...currently he spends every weekend sleeping at his parents as he says he needs that time for himself so I either sleep alone in that house next to his parents or travel to my parents. Now that he sees I am really really down and borderline depression he’s told me to go to my parents to rest so I am here for Ramadhan. He messages me once every 5 days. I don’t want to take a divorce and fail Allah swt test and regret it. How do I know what decision to make? I don’t know what else to do. I am getting older and older and there's no sign of even trying for a child. May Allah swt have mercy on us all and help us all whatever hardship we are going through....

Jazakallah khair

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12 Responses »

  1. Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
    As Salaamu Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
    in the world (over 50 percent). But the divorce rate of Muslims in North America is almost as high, according to New York based sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus.

    Yes, it's true. Muslims today are divorcing in larger numbers than before. There are clearly problems within families that have not been addressed: dysfunction, miscommunication, and in a number of cases violence and abuse.

    But while Muslims are taking this step in larger numbers, what does Islam have to say about it?

    The Islamic perspective on divorce
    "Divorce is something that is very much discouraged in Islam," explains Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, president of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA).

    "It is called, according to one of the Hadith of the Prophet Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) 'the most hateful thing that is permissible.'"

    This stance discouraging divorce needs to be seen in a balanced way, notes Siddiqi.

    "It has to be used very carefully," he says.

    What are some legitimate reasons for a couple to consider divorce?
    There are definitely valid reasons Muslim men and women can seek divorce.

    "One legitimate reason is if there is immoral behavior, unIslamic behavior on the part of a spouse," says Siddiqi. "If a spouse is involved in that, then there is a breakdown."

    "For example if one of the spouses, God forbid, is involved in adultery or fornication. In that case, they have a right to separate and this is a legitimate ground for separation."

    Another valid reason for divorce is apostasy on the part of either spouse. If a Muslim man or woman's spouse leaves Islam, Siddiqi says the marriage is null and void and the couple can no longer be together.

    Abdalla Idris Ali is a member of ISNA's executive body and former president of the organization. He adds to the list of legitimate reasons for seeking divorce dishonesty prior to marriage.

    For instance, if a husband told his wife before marriage that he did not consume alcohol or drugs and she discovers after marriage that he is an alcoholic or drug addict.

    Some other reasons are:

    a woman was married before and she did not tell her husband
    a woman marries man and he is impotent, and she finds out after marriage.
    cruelty
    a man's inability or refusal to support his wife
    a wife's refusal to live with her husband or be with him.
    if one of the spouses is unable to have conjugal relations
    one spouse feels repulsion towards the other.
    Ali, however, cautions against jumping to divorce quickly and adds that every case has to be looked at individually.

    "It is one thing to speak about a ruling. It is another thing to speak about a judgement in a certain case," he says in an interview with Sound Vision and RadioIslam.com.

    "If you ask me now, what is the ruling in Islam for a young man who commits Zina (adultery and fornication)? I'll tell you Allah says, give him 100 lashes. This is what the Quran says."

    "But you bring me a man and say, this man committed Zina. I'm not going just to give him 100 lashes. This is a case. I have to investigate it, to see whether he did it, you cannot just go and apply the rule."

    • When giving advice to someone try tie it to their situation. Otherwise anyone can go on Wikipedia and get that kind of information. This girl is in a problem and wants a solution.

    • Bang on advice by Ahmed Hassan,
      Sister if he wasn’t your until now, he would never be yours ! He is a habitual lier and manipulator.
      Please don’t fall in the trap of love you feel for him. You will never be living a life with him and his insane mother. Don’t call it a marriage where wife has to stay in house alone and the husband enjoys with friends and family and last nail in the coffin is Pokemon hunting !
      You deserve better , please come out of this toxic relationship.
      This is a problem frequenting in our Islamic society too as culture is given more prevalence than Islam . Please don’t fear society and culture , it’s nonsense! Live for yourself stay upright holding the values of Islam.
      Just praying to Allah doesn’t help sister, trust me , Allah also wants us to take concrete actions to help ourselves.

  2. You should have never been in this situation in the first place. Whoever was your guardian truly failed you. The instant you saw him still be in contact with that girl you should have broke it off. The moment he kept saying that he wants another girl, you should have gotten a divorce. The guy's family is toxic and it seems like their heart is fuelled with blackness for this reason alone I would move on from this family.

    What you should do is go to your guardian and tell them you want to divorce this man. Tell them it's your duty to look out for me so get me a divorce from this man. Before you do it, pack your things and leave first because once you file for divorce it will be nothing but bitternes in the household and with a crazy family like that it's unpredictable what they will do. Once you have moved out then get a divorce. People will try talking you into counselling etc, reject it and stay firm to your decision. Don't do anything stupid such as going ahead and getting pregnant with this man in hope of it bringing you guys closer.
    Divorce, block, seek healing then get married again.

    A husband that goes out to play pokemon go, this should be your reason alone to divorce. You married a child.

  3. Salam sis i pray that Allah has kept you in good health and imaan.

    Firstly Mayameen i think the sister wanted advice on her particular situation rather than standard reasons for divorce.

    As a muslim woman i wish i was advised better when i was younger ie put up with bad behaviour from inlaws and husband and now im stuck.

    I think if your husband is acknowledging his nad behaviour but still not going to change i think you should take the plunge. Speak to some muftis or sharia council in your area. He's not fulfilling your conjugal rights nor allowing you to atleast become a mother. Also how do you know hes not still cheating with his ex or someone else as he rarely has physical relations with you.

    These are grounds for divorce. You dont want to be too old to have kids and regret it later nor do you want to feel pressured to remarry quickly due to ageing. I would rather divorce a man that tells me himself, to find another husband! Its a different matter if he said he wanted you but treated you badly. He's literally saying he does not want you.

    My dear Sister perhaps it is a big blessing in disguise as Allah is giving you the opportunuty to restart your life by the absolute admission of your husband. Allah knows best I'm not a scholar i could be completely wrong in my opinion.

    In any case i will make sincere duas for you. Please do istikhara about whether you should leave him and speak to sharia council. Once you're free of him and your iddat you will be allowed to think of searching for a good husband.

    May Allah make it easier for you and guide you to the correct decision and may He bless you with happiness and fulfilment with whatever you decide.

    Ameen

  4. salam sister, no one deserves to live the ONE life they have like this. If a situation is making you depressed and you have tried your best which I think you already have, maybe it's time to start over/move on. You are 31 and you want kids, from the looks of it, your husband isn't interested in having kids with you. Please pray Istiqhara and make a decision that would be best for YOU, emotionally, mentally, physically. SubhanAllah Allah is SO merciful and kind, why would you think that He would send you to hell just because you want to get out of a situation in which someone is trampling all over your rights with no regrets and telling you to your face he doesn't want you and showing you with his actions too? If everything that you have mentioned here is 100% accurate, it's time to STOP crying, STOP giving someone control over your emotions and life that makes you miserable, STOP being in a situation that doesn't do any good for your well being.

    You can stand in front of Allah and say you tried because you have. Please make a decision that would be best for you inshaAllah.

    I pray that Allah gives you another spouse that would be a blessing in your life and not a trial. Ameen.

    • hes definitely not fulfilling his rights as a husband. a muslim man is responsible for the financial emotional physical and mental needs of his wife

  5. Salaam guys thanks a lot for all your replies. Since I posted this I actually found out he’s been talking to his ex girlfriend for a very long time still.....their messages are pretty upsetting. She’s getting divorced from her husband and is clearly after mine She asked him to consider a second nikkah with her and she’s encouraging him to divorce me and reminds him of their memories when they dated etc as soon as I found out he told me he wants a divorce and the marriage isn’t working etc and it’s because we aren’t compatible and it’s nothing to do with his ex getting divorced. We are now separated but not divorced. I told my parents and they told his. His dad doesn’t want our marriage to end and keeps telling me to try. His mum sent me abusive racial messages saying stuff like he loves his ex and our marriage should never have happened and that I need to leave him alone and that I am a paki whore and he’s with his ex now etc...I didn’t get angry used to it now tbh

    So that’s where things are. I’ve started counscelling. His friends and my counscellor think his mum has affected him mentally and he hasn’t matured into an adult. How he’s a professional I don’t know but he has had lots of issues at work too. I’ve been trying to use Islam to make him see this is wrong. I guess I deeply love him and I can’t help it. Whatever he’s done he’s also protected me a lot from his mum and we do have good memories holidays etc...I feel he’s given up. He can’t control his mum and she doesn’t stop talking about his ex so he thinks things would’ve been better with her even though from what I’ve been told there were issues with her too when they dated.

    My salah is slipping lately but I am trying. I just can’t forget him and move on. I feel sorry for him.
    But obviously if he really wants this girl and can’t see the value in me and how I’ve patiently endured his emotional cheating and his mums abuse for 4.5 yrs I can’t do anything else. A part of me thinks he believes divorcing me gives me a better future as well

    I am just praying istikhara on and off and praying for my husband and myself....

    W salaam

    • Assalaamualaykum fariapea,

      Thank you for providing us with an update of your situation.

      You shouldn't have to beg for anyone's positive attention. If you have sincerely tried everything you can do, just keep praying your salah and leave it up to Allah. Allah's answer is always what naturally happens, so don't try to force this marriage. Inshallah you will get relief from your situation soon. No difficulty persists forever, alhamdulillah.

      Thinking of you,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

    • Salam sister
      I am not one to comment on posts I see in here usually a lurker but your story caught my attention. It's a topic close to heart.

      I have been in similar circumstances myself it isn't an easy situation to be in. Most men or boys shall I say come with a history of some kind in relation to their past. Some get over it and live on and others not so much. My husband couldn't get over his and after 5 years he finally saw the "other woman" for her true colours. Relief for me now, however, the journey was not an easy one to say the least. Mil issues exist but on different levels and issues. Mil are not all the same there are some amazing ones i've seen and heard of and some not so great.

      I have some questions for you. Did you feel like you want to have a child with someone who's heart is elsewhere? Will a child have possibly bought you both close together?

      Secondly you seem deeply in love with him. How will a divorce affect you mentally. Your going through counselling which a great. will after going through a divorce allow you be open to starting, at some point in your life in shaallah, to a new person without the fears of you being treated the same/how current affairs may affect your future?

      Wsalam sister

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