Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I end this relation?

tree lonely

I am in confusion related to my relation.

About 6 yrs ago I met a girl in university. She was decent, pretty, religious, a little confused and immature girl. We were friends but she proposed me while seeking I am very possessive for her. I didn’t have the element of love in me and I thought she was mocking - I really didn’t feel that way about her but I was with her as a friend.

But after some years of her continuous confessing of her love I said her ok and told her about my ideal wife and she promised me that she will be like my ideal. As time passed I realized she was really in love with me and was serious to marry me.

I knew there were some differences that could not be passed over by us. Like we were from different countries (but our nationality was same), our famly culture, caste and sects were different. And the main thing was that my family don’t believe in love marriage.

These things I clearly told her. But she didn’t listen and always said "I will change for you". She has a nature that I hated too much that she freely talked with strangers and I wanted to change her. Yes, she changed herself for me and in our last year I accepted her proposal and she went to her country.

Last year we got engaged but we had lots of fights and in our every fight I realized  about her that she cannot adjust with me, I don’t love her and I want to break this relation. She always apologized for the fights and makes me agree to be with her. These fights was not for one thing, they were about so many times and things and always my reactions and answers were same. But she was determined on her statement that she will make me happy etc.

I want to add before she proposed to me there was a boy in uni who proposed to her before and she accepted and she kicked me by saying that guy didn’t like her friendship with any other. But aftr very short time she left that boy, came back to me, apologized and became my best friend. In between our relation there was her friend who wanted her for her brother. Her friend’s brother also liked her but she never wanted to marry with that guy because she loves me a lot and wanted to be mine.

In addition she performed umrah for my mother (R.I.P). She completed Quran many times for my mother. She is quite religious girl, belongs to very decent and noble family. She always stated "If you will not marry me I will become your maid just to live with you". In uni life she was very caring and loving, was with me in ups and downs, helped me, and treated me well.

After engagement (its done after big drama from both sides) we have had fight on which again I said to her "I don’t want to be with you I don’t love you even 1%", I was in anger and said her so much what was in my heart. I told her I will break this relation by involving family. She begged me again she apologized she tried to convince me but I didn’t listen to her. I was seeing a huge difference in thoughts and choices, so it was quite obvious there would be difficulties in our marriage.

She then blocked me from her accounts as she was living abroad and we communicate on social networks. After I realized my mistake I apologized her but she said she didn’t want me now and she wanted to break this relation. It was a shock for me.

I took a whole month to make her agree. In between she told me there is a man in Spain who is from our uni who proposed her and she is thinking about him. And now she doesn’t want to live with me. I said her "I am ignoring this cheating - please come back to my life I will do whatever you want". She gave me a list of things what are her demands, she said she now knew her worth. In our relation she never demanded me for a single thing in our 6 yrs relation. Now she was totally different. I was agreed with her every demands then again I convinced her. She gave me time to think. She did istikhara and saw me in her dream. After that she came back to my life I accepted her with lots of love I became down to earth for her. She also was giving me same as before but a little more care as we were going to marry after 2 months. She tried to let me know about that guy to whom she was talking but I ignored and never wanted to listen.

The man from Spain to whom my girl was talking with he contacted me and reported me of her. I was really much shocked by listening that guy loves her a lot and they both did planning to break this relation and she accepted his proposal and talked with him on video calls and that guy had cutted his veins for her. They were talking almost about 1.5 month at the back of me when we were angry. She was trapped in his greedy package. That guy was mine old friend from same university.

I asked her about him. She told me every detail I asked evidence she said I deleted all conversation history. I asked for evidence from that guy and he sent me images of few messages. I was shocked. I felt betrayed, dishonesty and disloyalty from her. I want to quit this relation. I want to break this relation now what she did at the back of me. When I asked her she swore to Allah that she had not such talk with him - she liked him for her elder sister not for her. He was the 1 who loved her and proposed  toher but she doesn’t have any kind of commitment with him. She said I told him to wait  maybe my fiancé came back to me but if my fiancé leave me I will marry with you. but you have to wait.

She took an oath that she will never talk to any stranger or any person, she took oath that she will not do job nor asked me for higher education, she took oath that she has not such type of conversation with that guy she doesn’t love him she was only trapped in his greedy package. The images that guy sent are generated images he is lying to me and he only wants to break our relation because he wants to marry her, and he didn’t cut his veins it is fake also. She is saying she is only mine she didn’t betrayed me. She is my follower, my best friend she still wants to be with me. She is ready that she will never demand worldly things.

But now my heart and mind are against her. Whatever she has done at the back of me reminds me when she left me in uni for the first time. I couldn’t forget nor I want to forgive her. She is saying because of me I did this mistake, her belief was so weak on me she didn’t trust me.

She is asking for a chance she wants to marry with me. Her statement is to divorce her if I found anything wrong in her; she makes me free for 2nd marriage. She is accepting her every mistake and apologizing me. She breaks my trust and I don’t want to accept her.

Now my question is what I should have to do. Should I leave her or should I continue this relation. ??

thank you
Fab ali.


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16 Responses »

  1. You don't deserve her. You wasted her time

  2. Brother, first of all you never respect and value her love ,half of your relation is based on the compromises she has made for you. And you are very confused about your feelings for her Amazing part is that she is also searching for solution like you on the same website ...

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/i-want-my-fiance-back-in-my-life/#comment-536551

    please go through this ques .Its almost same like yours every thing and each n every detail is same sorry If I am wrong and if she is not the same girl you are talking about ! Well you can better guess it right after going through this question!

    I would suggest you to do watever your heart says... Dont ruin her life ! If you dont love her then I think she is better of without you but at the same time i feel she really loves you and yes she has done the mistake by being in touch with this man ..but if she is regretting it ,then atleast forgive her . And carefully listen to her side of story and point of view as well

  3. Do you think you can trust her and believe in her?if you cant forget and totally forgive then it wont be fair to her if you take her back because you will constantly think about the past. Dont rely on what the other guy is saying because he could have very well made things up. How long have you known this girl do you believe her more or do you believe the guy ? If he showed you conversations that might have been tempered with. Either way everyone makes mistakes so now its up to you to decide whether she is sincere in her apology or not and whether you can totally trust and forgive her.

  4. OP: She took an oath that she will never talk to any stranger or any person, she took oath that she will not do job nor asked me for higher education, she took oath that she has not such type of conversation with that guy she doesn’t love him she was only trapped in his greedy package.

    What oaths have you taken?

  5. you should not end this relation she should end this relation and throw you out of her life

  6. Salam brother,

    To be honest you treated her really badly when she was dying for your love willing to do everything for you and be one your slave! Everytime telling her you don't love her? How much is she supposed to endure? When she decided enough is enough and you don't care about her she decided to break off! Which she should have done ages ago! Why chase after a guy who is constantly rejecting you?

    Then you became angry that she left you because YOU treated her badly and she rightfully set conditions on your marriage as she doesn't want you to mess around with her again! And you think that's demanding!

    It seems its ok for you to mistreat her and make her pine for you but if she stands up for herself and wants to be treated properly its wrong in your book!?

    She is not married to you so she is allowed to look elsewhere for eligible bachelors, especially as you were rejected her? Is a women supposed to wait her whole life for a man to accept her love? I really think you don't deserve such a living girl who will do anything for you. Just move on and save the heartache for both of you.

  7. Thanx for everyone who read my story and replied. I want to know from brothers that if u were at my place what would be your reaction? Isn't same as mine? As my own fiancee cheated on me she betrayed me. I cannot love her anymore, i tried to b with her but what consequences i recieved.

    • If I were at your place, I will honestly thank my fiance trillion times for sincerely loving and choosing me over the other guy, and then apologize for treating her badly. Also, I will promise her that I will never get angry at her again, nor wish to end this relation ever again. If she accepts my apology and welcomes me in her life again, then I'd be glad about that, but if she dumps me and kicks me out of her life forever, then I'd understand it's because of my foolishness and childishness, and that she truly deserves someone better than me, who is mature, loving, and understanding.

      • I am completely agree with Issah, ur fiancee did a lot of sacrifices for you. And the best thing she chooses you over that 2nd man who cutted his veins for her(fake or real its nothing to talk on) she loves you not from the weeks or months, but from last 6years and it is quit long time.
        Dont you have feelings or emotions for her? Dont you see what she is doing for you.?

        When you rejected her by saying i dont love you even 1%, then do u really think that girl must wait for you and wasted more time for you? Its her right to choose someone else when you rejected her.

        She tried to tell you about 2nd man but you didnt want to listen?? What does this mean? U didnt want to listen about that guy but you trusted that 2nd man??

        Dont you realize what you lost??

  8. OP: Last year we got engaged but we had lots of fights and in our every fight I realized about her that she cannot adjust with me, I don’t love her and I want to break this relation

    You met her 6 years ago. You got engaged after knowing her for 5 years. Did she change all of a sudden after 5 years?

  9. This world is full of men like you..

  10. According to ur story i came to know that u were finding the way to leave this girl you got a strong point and you are causing a drama to get rid of her. The reasons could be so many may be she was hurdle of something you want to do. May be there is another girl in ur sight. May be your family do not want her to be your wife. Or such other reasons.

    The question is why you wanted to leave her again and again after accepting her proposal? Why you became so proudy in your relation and value you ego than your love? Family culture and sect were different but you were enganged anyway means at the end your family had no issue with this.

    Brother really very sorry you wasted her time. You dont value her love and rejected her even after engagement. She talked to someone else may be she wanted to gain her value and her worth. And after rejection it was her right to find another one u are not supposed to her husband.

    For the answer of your question should i end this relation is YES u dont deserve her you dont know the emotion and value of others.
    For the answer of your 2nd question if i was at your place then what would b mine reaction is i accepted her heartedly and apologized her for being my cruel behaviour. And i would b very very thankful to her for coming back to me again. I gave her the rank of my loveable precious wife.

  11. If she was my fiance i not only forgive her but also leave the decision on her what she wants? Because it was my mistake i rejected her then she talked with other. i involved family her elders to talk on this issue, i know no one can tolerate cheating but the way she z apologizing sounds sincere love.

    If you love her you never tried to throw her out from ur life. You reject her several times. I am pity on her how she was tolerating the pain of rejection from the same person.

    You threatened her like you are son of king.... She is not living in your country it sounds she had to left her everything for ur sake and the man like you stone heart do not deserve this kind of lady.

  12. Completely agreed with all ! Please do her a favour let her find a real lovable life partner becoz no matter what ,it seems you are never going to value her love May Allah guide You brother !

  13. As Salaam Alaikum Brother,

    I do feel that people have been a bit harsh on you, that said they have conveyed their thoughts in the best interest for you and that girl based upon our own knowledge.

    Firstly, I am not a scholar so please verify anything from Islam through a scholar. Secondly, may Allah help me convey the right message and help you understand and implement righteous actions.

    Even before you ask the question "Should I end this relation" ? Ask yourself, "Am I ready for a relationship (and a relationship is only through Nikah). Based on what I perceive from your statements, with all due love and respect, you need to learn about Islam on
    1. How to treat fellow muslims in general and women especially.
    2. Evaluate your relationship with your Mom and sisters and honestly what they think of you..
    If your relationship with them is only platonic or a surface level then you need to improve your relationship with women already in your household, that will give you a good experience.

    Please learn how the Prophet (Sal Allahu Alaihi wa Sallam) treated his wives and his daughters and the other muslim women in general. If you live in the USA you will have access to wonderful lectures from Yasir Qadhi, Nouman Ali Khan, Mufti Menk, Omar Suleiman, Yasir Birjas, Abdur Raheem Green and many others - may allah protect them all.

    Now coming to your question of the girl. After analyzing and improving your relationship with women according to etiquette's of Islam, if you still feel that you do not like her to be your wife and you do not foresee her being a nice mother to your children then please do not marry her. Especially do not marry her out of pity or thinking of it as a sacrifice as it will do more harm to her than any good and in turn can bring more harm for you as well in this world and may Allah forbid, in the hereafter too.
    If you do decide to marry her and she decides to marry you as well then remember, you must forget every fight that has happened between the two of you and both of you should forget the spanish guy involved and should marry each other for the following reasons

    1. That both of you love each other for the sake of Allah
    2. Will be able to raise children who are mumin by acting as great father and mother to those children
    3. You will show mercy to her even if she is wrong and will not think of your rights and will compromise on your rights as long as she does fulfill the rights of Allah ( Salah, Zakat, Siyam, Hajj and no Shirk)
    4. You want her to be in Jannah with you -- (Irrespective of you marrying her or not may allah grant jannah to you both but I mean u two together in jannah)

    Its a matter of life and aakhirah for both of you so instead of asking others first ask Allah and then yourself. Asking Allah is through Istikharah and Supplications. Istikharah does not mean seeing something weird in dreams, I believe there is a nice article on Istikharah on this website - learn it. Constantly ask Allah

    "Rabbana Hablana min azwaajina wa zurriyaatina qurrta ayyun wa'j'alna lil muttaqeena imaama" Start your education with trying to find its meaning. Its your homework.

    In all this In Shaa Allah you will find your answer.

    If it was helpful remember me in your supplications. If it was wrong or hurtful please don't curse me and yet make supplication for me and ask allah to forgive me. I seek refuge in Allah.

  14. There is this guy I met on Instagram about a year ago. He seemed nice we talked a bit for like 3 months he then proposed me at the very beginning. I didn't accept it. He proposed me 3 times until I accepted him. It's been an year now, we indeed have faced many difficulties but it seems we pass through it. In June July he had been engaged forcefully by his parents because his parents found a pic of us hugging but then after 2 weeks he broke it up just because of me, now his family knows everything about me. This guys is sooo serious about marriage he forced me to tell my mum about this. I did tell my mom but unfortunately she didn't really say anything on this. She just allowed me yo let me talk and not do anything else. Now his friends has mixed 20 sleeping tablets in his drink and he came home not in his senses, he told everything to his parents abut where we meet and what he used to do in his life. His parents were so furious they took all his phones away from him and now he is not allowed to go anywhere and because if this we rarely talk because his dad is always around him. I had this gut feeling something was wrong.m I cried a lot. I then called him up yesterday he said that he would be leaving for London and the he would come back or most probably would not come back and he wanted to break up with me. I was so shocked I was like ok alright maybe you have found someone else and how stupid was I that I told my mom about you. He was like we can't marry so it's better to leave you right now. I was like ok what about the year I wasted with you. He was like wasted? I was like yeah from what you are saying it seems like you are not serious. But then in the end he was like I'm kidding. Nothing like that happened. I'm not going anywhere, he promised and sweared but um still having this bad feeling. Why did he say that we can't marry and I'm leaving you although he did swear he was joking.
    And when he got engaged before I performed an isthikara and I saw hey self in his house with his mom. Everything was badge/white colour and the next week he came back to me. I promised not to open my Fb account until I would forget him as I had sent him a long message before that since you are engaged you shouldn't be talking to me so bye and we have to move on in our lives. He too said yeah you are right. but coincidentally I opened my account the same day when he had messaged me after 2 weeks that I broke off my engagement because of you.

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