I fear my family will not agree with our relationship
I'm 18 from a strict cultural background. I've had a boyfriend due to difficult times and he seems to be the only person Who makes me feel better. He is of the same background as me. He is an afghan pashtun 22 and going to university this September.
Things slowly got more intimate and I knew it would happen one day. Even though we both said we would wait for marriage but it just happened.
At the time and a few weeks later I did not regret it but now after months I can't stop crying? I've started to pray and asked for forgiveness .
I am worried that when I go to university we might split up.
I'm also worried about my family not accepting him because of his family affairs and education because my family is very educated.
If this happens, we won't get married. I'm worried if my future husband won't accept me for not being a virgin. I don't feel pure anymore, and I will not be able to keep such a lie from him all my life. I'm scared therefore that he may turn abusive if he finds out the truth.
Thank you for your time.
- breakingdownslowly
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First of all, I'm so tired of people saying that them having illegit sex "just happened". No. Sex doesn't "just happen" - you admit yourself that you knew you would end up sleeping with this guy, yet, instead of keeping your distance from him you chose to still hang around him and believe it's not a big deal if you end up sleeping with him. As you said yourself, you didn't even feel bad about having sex outside of marriage - you're only feeling bad now, because you've come to realize that this guy might not be the one for you and you're worried about what a future husband will think or do if he finds out you're not pure. Well, missy...that's just a consequence you have to carry. You're an adult and like any other adult no one but yourself is responsible for your actions. Stop lying to yourself and take us for fools - nobody believes that sex just happens; it's a conscious choice you make, make no mistake, sister.
Luckily for you, Islam doesn't require you to tell anyone about your sins - in fact, you shouldn't. But there're no guarantees that a future husband won't ask questions about your past and lying about it is haram. I don't really like to tell people what they absolutely need to do, but in your case I have no problem with it. You need to tell this boyfriend of your's to ask for your hand in marriage, because you're not going to continue having a haram relationship with him.
Also, when you already knew that your family has a high standard for you in regards to a potential spouse, why on earth would you get involved with a guy who obviously doesn't match your families requirements? Your father is not being picky about who you choose to marry, because he hates you - he's doing it, because he loves you and wants only the very best man for you. To be honest, I don't understand why you would want to marry a guy who doesn't respect your body and allows himself to enter you before marriage. If he was a true gentleman he would have never touched you.
Anyway, if you really want this guy, ask him to talk to your father and see how it goes. If your father doesn't accept him, please accept his choice and move on with your life. Focus on University and on repenting for the sins you have committed. Let your father handle your relationships affairs from now on.
Wow Adina Mohammadi, you sound a bit harsh but in my opinion is an excellent answer. The answer makes complete sense.
Well, I was just annoyed by this sister's statement of "we just happened to have sex" - as if it was beyond her and this fella's control. That's nonsense. We're humanbeings, not animals - of course we can control when, where and with whom we sleep with. Blaming one's actions on a 3rd party - like...air or shaytan or whatever is just a ridiculous and immature way of not taking responsibility for what one's own brain and nafs have decided to do. It's not Satan that posseses your body, takes over your free will and makes you do things - it's YOU who CHOOSE to do something you know is wrong.
My sister
Then maybe its best not telling ur future husband then. Repent for ur sin to god and if god can forgive
U then who is anyone else not to forgive,
There's no point worrying too much ur only young I guess mistakes are made lessons are learned.
Good luck forget now about what your husband or anyone may say in future past or present but think bout what god will say. Pray for your sin.
Wish you best
Dear sister,
You said that you had a boyfriend due to difficult times and because he makes you feel better. This means that you are following your desires and you have a boyfriend for selfish reasons. If the times were not difficult and he didn't make you feel better, I doubt he would be your bf. You need to understand that our times on this earth are difficult because it is a test from Allah and He has given us strict rules to follow so that we do not get hurt or trapped. Again and again in your post, you wrote that you were worried, that is because you are away from the straight path and your natural instinct in you is telling you that you are doing something wrong. Welcome this feeling of uneasiness and immediately stop this relationship.
If he wants to have a relationship with you, he should marry you and you should accept this proposal. If you are worried about his background, I don't understand why you got involved--It seems like your desires and feelings were making all the decisions. I also wonder how you can think of your future husband worrying about ur past relationships when you are involved with this person? It almost seems like you know it isn't going to work out. I also think it is strange that you are worried about what your future husband will think about you--all your worries are about things that you HAVE CONTROL over.
Please stop making excuses:
Depend on Allah in harsh times, not a bf.
Depend on Allah to make you feel better.
Instead of worrying about what your family will think or what your future husband will think, for a moment think about what Allah thinks--will Allah be pleased with you? Think about this a lot and it will help you sort through your emotions.
Tell your bf that you want to get married or the relationship is off.
If you don't think ur parents will agree, then forget about this relationship completely, focus on your studies, and accept your parents decision.
Ask Allah to forgive you again and again. May Allah ease your pain and forgive us all. Ameen.
salam sister,
I'm afghan as well so i know what you mean and why you are worried, but this is NOT about our culture, we are Muslims first then Afghan. The mistake has been made, but it doesn't mean it's over. It is very important that you plead for forgiveness to Allah, and when you plead and mean it, then please also stop the haram activities. I am so ashamed of these type of Afghan boys who play around with girls, but sister you knew what you were getting yourself into and part of the blame is on you too. But I dont know anything else about this guy, I really hope he is not one of those types who takes advantage and leaves you when he is satisfied with what he has, if he has any ghayrat, he would stop what he is doing and bring his family over to your house to get engaged. Our culture these days are very open to allowing their kids to get engaged and then married later. So if you really love this guy and want him, then sit down with him and talk... if he doesnt feel the same way then please just take him out of your head. it will be very hard, but once that phase is over you will feel SOOOOOOO good about yourself.
You seem like a good girl who just made the wrong choice for the wrong reason, but my heart is telling me that you can fix everything! Don't worry about your future husband knowing you are not a virgin, it's easy to lose your virginity without doing anything haram (such as sports and such).
just stop what you are doing and look in the mirror and ask yourself "who am i?"
you will answer with: muslim girl from a respectful family and a lovely culture.
so focus yourself on practising islam and go read your textbooks a thousand times, lol.. it will take your mind of everything else!
Hi - breakingdownslowly,
i have gone through all the comments and suggestions, i would like to tell if you want that as husband in your life then please have discussion with him convince him and let see what would b his steps, even if he is not ready then better you leave him alone and be free for days or months, i think you are not pregnant??? right?
be free for sometime and leave everything behind,
i'd like to give some information medical science regarding virginity, there are so many peoples in this world who never ever had sex with anybody before marriage, but still they are not virgin, i am not saying that they are lying, no if you you have studied the survey about sports women or the women who used to go to zim or even doing nothing they will lose virginity,
The important thing is LOVE not a virginity, we are receiving many problems in post in which there are many cases also that she is being 100% pure and doing excellent even husbands are not giving such importance or handling "COLD" and something like that, if they had loved then every thing and every situation will be ok for them,
Being a women you are now in worry that you have lost your...... but what about the guy??? he don't required to be a virgin???
May god bless you,
Gopi
Dear sister in question.
Before it is too late please seek forgiveness from Allah. Please seek forgiveness. You went out of the line the minute you started to become friends with him on social basis. And then that leading you to become his gf. Eventually you became even more distance fromd true path (Islam). Sister please take a U turn... go back to who you were and become better than that!
This is what you NEED to do:
- seek for forgiveness from Allah like there is no tomorrow!
- ask yourself are you mentally prepared to get married?- if you are not, then pls break this unlawful relationship with this guy
- but if you are mentally ready for marriage, then ask yourself do you think this guy that you like will be a good husband, father to your kids to be, will give respect to your family (regardless if he is not to your family's standard) etc -if you get positive answers then GO and speak to this guy to ask your family for your hand.
- if this guy says he is not ready for marriage right now, then know immediately he is not for you and you MUST BREAK UP him...
- if the guy agrees that this minute he is willing to nikah with you, then let your families know without delay that you both want to get married and start life with another.
- if your family/ies stands against your choice then you MUST try your utmost to convince them that this guy is right for you. Let your family to investigate about this guy as much as possible. .. you may have to let your parents know that you were fairly close to him so they know that you were not in light relationship. ..
- if your parents still stands against your choice without any valid reason then it is within your right to marry whom you wish so you should make it clear that you wont get married with anyone else but him...
- however if your parents say yes, then Alhamdulillah get married without any long engagement periods - basically you need to avoid being in haram relationship with him, even if the guy becomes your fiance he is still not halal for you nor he is halal for you...
All in all you need to seek for forgiveness from Allah so much because you have wronged your soul by following your unlawful desires. Then find out where you stand - do you want to get married, if yes then do you want to marry him? If yes, then find out if he wants to marry you? If yes, then is he willing to marry you right now? If no then leave/break up with him and move on with your life..
Sister if you want to become pure then make your relationship with Allah so strong that only Allah's judgement should matter to you. Become better Muslimah... don't be too attached to your culture, it will get you no where. The minute you only have Allah in your life, then the fear of your future husban finding out won't bug you, In'Shaa'Allah.
Best wishes - may Allah swt make this whole thing easy for you, ameen
Ps. Pls dont be in relationship with this guy or any guy until they have asked for your hand from your parents and then get married very shortly after the decision is made to get married to the guy. And if the guy makes any exuses that he loves you but not ready for marriage for any reason, then please break up with him immediately. ... if it doesn't work out with this guy then focus on your studies and stand on your own two feet. Become an independent, secured and loving Muslimah...