Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Gambler husband – liar and womanizer – Enlighten me!

Salam,

I am a 33-yr old woman with 4 kids to the same man, married since 1998. But it has been rough and yet I chose to stay in the marriage because I don't want my children to suffer the same fate as I did. I grew up in non-practicing Catholic broken bome.

My problem is that my husband is a professional gambler. This is how he earns. Sure he provides food and shelter but he has not been providing for me financially. I tend to pay off his debts (I have an online business) and foot the bill at home. What's worst - he has no ounce of responsibility in him. His mother is rich and he gets the food we eat, the money for my kids private school education and you know, almost everything else from her. The home we live in owned by her parents too. I just feel so locked up.

Going back, he is a gambler. He has squandered millions due to gambling. I think he got that style from his supposedly hajji father who gambles too and he is supposedly praying 5 times a day.

He stole from me before just to support his vice but I have shoved it down the forgiveness vault. He even committed adultery and 2 sons are a result of that. (He blames me for being unlucky in life because I do not agree to him being in contact with the whore and their kids - - they are not married, she is a christian and the kids are eating pork for all I  care so why bother? Thats my justification.)

Ever since then he blames me for everything. If I don't agree to his ways, he verbally abuses me - tells me I'm a pig and that I am a worthless wife. He even told me to leave their house, that's how disrespectful he is to me. I have been physically slapped around too in the past, last time was a few months ago. If I don't talk back, everything is ok.

But I am not ok. I have been neglected and ignored. I always have to give him what he wants in all aspects and if I don't, it will be war. He will gamble away and blame afterwards for not understanding him.

I told him: you chose to gamble away, dont blame me. But no, I am to blame for everything.

I dont want this life but I fear for my kids. Still very young, 13, 10, 6 and 2. He tells me I can leave but cannot take my kids. He has done this before, took the kids away from me.

I cannot ask help from his family. My family are christians and I am a converted Muslimah. I dont want to burden my grandparents again. (My mom is in the states). I have had it, but I don't know how to do what I want to do. I want to leave this man. He does not take care of me so what is there to wait on for? I have been through so much for the past 10 years. Affair after affair, gambling, lies... I now get the picture that he will never ever find it in his heart to love me. How can a man love a woman he calls pig? This has happened over and over again and I always initiate forgiveness and understanding. I am just so sick of the way he treats me and how our life has become because of his selfishness. I know I deserve more.

How do I live?
Do I leave? (I have no home of my own.)

-lailah

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24 Responses »

  1. salaam

    which country do you live in sister so we can best advise

  2. You don't need to rely on others' homes to get out of this marriage. You said you make your own Money and that the house you live in is owned by someone else than yourself, so why can't you start put your Money in to your own place? It doesn't have to be anything fancy at first, just some place where you can stay until you find something better. Stop giving your husband any more money!

    There also shelters for women that you could go to - Again, until you find your own space.

    I don't understand how your husband can take your kids away from you; like, how he physically does that. Why can't you just leave and take the kids with you without telling him? I assume he's not with you and your children 24/7 so you could do that. And then make sure to go to a lawyer to get a custody case going. Given his lifestyle and past, I'm sure no one in their right mind would give your children to this man to raise.

  3. Ass sister..sorry I disagree with you.yes your husband is a gambler and this s haraam.maybe you need to do counseling in Islamic way and tell him to earn halal means or you will consider iddah...and btw his children outside the marriage are his kids that isn't conditional and if you forgave him you have to accept his kids period.you sound bitter and those kids are innocent..the concern of them eating pork is not yours...and if you want to be the resentful wife you will, be judged accordingly.btw that whore is just one as your husband was.if you don't trust his discernment you need to rethink your position in the marriage.or stand on your own two feet.

    • Dear ayatbinthamza,

      "Ass sister" doesn't sound good and it turns to other way. Our greeting is so beautiful it takes a second to write assalamualaikum would have been sound nice I think. Sorry if I am being rude.

    • Ayatbinthamza
      U 'disagree' with what??
      Counsel the husband and tell him to earn the islamic way ?
      Do u think the poster must not have tried different means to tell him that what he is doing is haram or is it that he does not know that blowing millions aways and making his wife pay debts is very very wrong?
      ''..and btw his children outside the marriage are his kids that isnt conditional and if you forgave him you have to accept his kids period''
      Say who? Where did u read that a wife has to accept her husband's mistresse's children?
      Should we expect her to bring them home and care for them? Kindly explain what do mean by accept them. This lady has 4 children from the halal relationship with this loser already who doesnt care enuff for them who doesnt provide enuff 4 them and is shamelessly making more babies in a haram way and this wife should accept them. You know, no offence to u but what u just said is very offensive to other ladies who can imagine this lady's plight or those who r in a somewhat similar situation. This person is bitter and resentful and angry and it is JUSTIFIED.
      Yeah she is resentful and bitter. Given her condition any woman would b. It must b so hard to earn whatever.little amount she must b earning with 4 children, verbal and physical abuse, a rogue for a husband, his haram mistress in the background and his kids from the haram relationship who he is
      probably supporting while these children are being denied of their rights to live in a healthy
      environment.

      '' btw that whore is just one as your husband was'' R u trying to trivialize it? Coz it looks like u r.

      '' you need to re think your position in your marriage.or stand on your own two feet.''
      So that is ur advice?
      Kind lady. First of all when people come here looking for advice they do so when they cant think about it for various reasons and the no.1 reason is, they r too disturbed to think straight and they assume that they will find some comfort and un biased 'fruitful' opinions and suggesstion that will help them to rearrange and move on. Either u tell her how to move on from this mess or tell her how to forgive and accept. U r entitled to have ur opinion but when u take the role of an adviser some amount of empathy and sympathetic concern is expected from the tone of ur comment. Not just for the poster but also for other readers.

      And btw what does ''Ass sister'' mean?
      .

      • Ok... First off if you engage in the internet enough peoplenmake a thing called typos 🙂 so you need to relax as well. If you dont know by reading it anyone could
        Tell it was a spelling mistake. It is never justified to have bitterness towards children. Period. I cam definitely empathize but children are innocent in the situation and victims of their dads careless behavior as well. A woman that chooses to stay with a womanizer shoukd only be mad at that womanizer which is her husband. Period. But having some superiority complex of "oh they eat pork" is a low blow to innocent kids that are defenseless. To me it was classless. As a wife, and as muslims we have to learn to forgive . If you are going to be bitter then you need to rethink staying. If she has ran out of options and her husband isnt changing.. Its up to her to do what she has to. You cant force a man to do anything unless he wants it and to force him to not have a relationship with his kids is WRONG.

        • Assalam'alaikum Sister ayatbinthamza

          Take this as an Advice on how to analyze a post and how to advice on it.

          1. Judge the post not the poster: A lot of people make the mistake of judging the poster on the basis of his experiences or the expressions he/she uses in frustration. We can easily avoid that if we focus more on the tone and the nature of the post.Some posts have a ring of urgency, some r extremely tragic in nature and a call for emotional repair after the loss,while some r just queries. As an adviser you must 1st gauge that and advice accordingly. People with serious issues r sometimes in dire need for some kind words and they appreciate kindness and concern more than a smart advice. Avoid using negative adjectives like ''classless'' or ''complexed''. Thatz too much too soon and uncalled for. You and i came here coz we thought we can offer a healing touch to some1 somewhere and please Allah s.w.t for being kind. So the last thing (i believe) u want is to cause more pain to those who already hurt.

          2. Do not advice if u cannot relate: This website is open to people from various age groups and experiences. Therefore, it is quite understandable if u cannot relate to every1's problem. There is always some1 else who can do a better job at advising the poster, like some1 who is more qualified on the related topic or shares the same experience. So if u cannot draw an inference dont feel the obligation. Just leave it for some1 else. Eg. If u r not married or especially if u r still 13 dont advice married people unless u have an encouraging word for them.

          3. Analyse the main problem: One needs to make a difference between the main problem that needs to b adressed ( which is the main priority) and ignore whatever is irrelevant. Eg. Here the problem is NOT what the mistress's children eat. They could eat a pig or a horse. That info could b interpreted into many ways. I think she sees them as a manifestation of her husband's haram actions but we dont need to get into that area. Trim that away and focus on the main points, dont pick that and revolve around it.

          4. Read the post well: The sister here doesnt have a problem with forgiving her husband coz he just never asked for it. Its not his past its an ongoing process. There is a difference and hence the bitterness and anxiety. Secondly if u would have read it well u would have know what she is asking. If someone askes u what should i do? Should i go with A or should i stick to B: Dont say take A or take B. Lol. Thats no help. Check sister Nadia's approach and learn from that.

          5. Drop the swag: Nobody cares about ur attitude. Its the advice that matters. PERIOD.

          Did u understand? I'll assume u did.

          And oh ur typo! Yeah we r relaxed lol. 😀

          • Alhamdulillah a beautiful way to put it sister.

            People don't come here to get a Lecture on how wrong their action was even though we are bound to give it to them in a nice way as our prophet and his companions did.

            As soon as a person does a Major sin, they feel like scum and is easily vulnerable to Shaytaan's attacks which cause hopelessness in Allah(Aoodu Billah) , the best we can do is Open our Arms as a community towards them, because if you pick up the Haraam gun even before Emaan has entered their hearts, they would do what anybody who has seen a gun on a angry man do.. RUN ... 😛

            My point is

            Allah Forgives. PERIOD.
            He is the Judge. PERIOD.

            The sister has no issues with accepting her husband, the issue seems to be that he can never learn to love her.

            I guess that is just horrible on the part of the man(Allahu Alam).
            But judging by the sister's post I guess Ishtikihara is her way out as she is some sort of moral dilemma.

            Trust in Allah
            He would never push you off a cliff without giving our wings to fly or catch you before you know it.

            For he is Ar-Rahmaan.

      • Bravo well said apple green,we don't need haters giving advice to people in need on this website.

        • Haters? Like I will never support a woman who discourages a man from seeing his children no matter how they came into the world. If that calls for me to be a hater so be it.

          • Nope that was not the reason lol,it was all the other stuff and lack of kindness,compassion for this poor woman going through a horrible ordeal,blaming the victim never mind ,you missed the point completely,lol so sad

          • i dont have compassion for women who are bitter towards children..that is unacceptable and childish..no matter the circumstance.you dont encourage a man to not take responsibility for bad actions!

  4. Asalamualaikum sister lailah,

    If what you mentioned about your husband is really true, then he is disobedient to his Lord and negligent of the rights of his wife. Gambling is one of the evil matters which the Quran warned us against; Allaah Says (what means): {O you who have believed, indeed, intoxicants, gambling, [sacrificing on] stone altars [to other than Allaah], and divining arrows are but defilement from the work of Satan, so avoid it that you may be successful.}[Quran 55:90]

    Besides, if the husband is negligent regarding spending on his wife and his children, then this is a sin. ‘Abdullaah Ibn ‘Amr  narrated that the Prophet ,   said: “It is enough a sin for a person not to provide means of sustenance to those whom he is obliged to support.” [Ahmad and Abu Daawood]

    Moreover, if the husband is dissolute and harms his wife, then this is a sound reason for her to ask him for divorce, but she is not obliged to do so. It is more appropriate that she first advises him and tries to reconcile with him, and if this is not achieved, then it is better for her to separate [i.e. ask for divorce] from him as it is not good to have a marital relationship with such a husband.

    Furthermore, even if you go for divorce and lodge for your children's custody I don't know which country you live in but they will see who got the better living lifestyle and money and can afford to raise the childrens. As you mention they go to private school which is not a joke. It's huge cost specially you got 4 children. So as far my knowledge the government will look at those thing. Maybe they won't allow to be with their father but as you mention your mother in law status might turn to other way maybe. Or if you can support and take care of your children the way doing now then they might be with you who knows which side of the coin will flip. 

    And Finally, you should draw your attention to the following matters:

    1. The intervention of the family of the husband or the family of the wife should be in order to reconcile between the two and not to be biased towards one party and put pressure on him/her.

    2. If the husband is financially stingy towards his wife, it becomes permissible for her to take from his money what would suffice her and her children according to reasonable terms.

    3. If all the husband's money is ill-gotten, it is forbidden to eat from it except in case of dire necessity and only to the extent of one’s necessity [i.e. if the necessity does no longer exist, the wife should stop eating from it]. If the husband’s money is a mixture of what is lawful and what is unlawful, then it is not forbidden to eat from it but it is disliked. 
    .

    • 1. The intervention of the family of the husband or the family of the wife should be in order to reconcile between the two and not to be biased towards one party and put pressure on him/her.

      well said

  5. As-salamu alaykum sister Lailah,

    If there is any way for you to leave him and take your children with you, then I advise you to do so. Not only because he gambles and has adulterous affairs, but because he is physically and verbally abusive toward you.

    Take the children and return to the USA, and stay with your mother. Or go to your grandparents' home, at least until you can save enough for your own home. Save the money from your online business and use it to start a new life.

    You said you don't want to burden your grandparents, but I imagine they would enjoy having children around the house for a while. Anyway, that's what family is for.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. salaam

    i think it is important to know where the sister lives , which country

  7. As Salam alaykoum

    All that haram your husband has been doing is grounds for divorce. No religion says its halal, permissible, for a wife to live with such a husband. This type of lifestyle you're living could hurt the children. I see no benefit for either you nor your kids to live, eat, drink, etc... With haram money. Haram money, adultery, cheating, stealing are all evil and a solid family foundation can never be built upon these vices. You are going through a test, so you need to muster up all the help you can get from your family, friends, and the masjid. Allah will help you get through this, but you need to set up a plan (a financial one, too, with your money) on how to take the first steps into leaving him. So, gather your important documents like his social security number, bank info, etc.. And learn about divorce procedures in your state. Get in touch with a family law lawyer ASAP, possibly a muslim lawyer if there's one in your area. Taking your kids to a safer environment with the intention of seeking a divorce is permissible on the part of the mother who is in an abusive relationship. The law will be on your side, inshallah. It won't be easy, but at least your kids will have a better future without him.

    As for the private school tuitions, ask for financial assistance. If not , then look for charter schools. They are better than public schools.

    Don't assume what your family will think of you and the situation you're going through. They'll help you.

    Lastly, whatever he and your father in law are doing is not representative of Islam. In fact if they have lead a life of righteous Muslims, then y'all wouldn't be in such a predicament. It seems like your husband has already ruined his life and shaytan is succeeding in taking him to the path of hellfire. So don't despair sister, Allah will help you every step of the way, inshallah. And don't forget that Allah will not burden a person more than he can bear. He and only He will get you through it and protect your kids as well.

    Please let us know about your condition

    May Allah ease your pain, give you strength and strengthen your eman.

    As Salam alaykoum

  8. As Salam alakoum

    Can an imam here help me please or give me some advice.

    I got married to my husband after a long fight with my family and they didn't speak to me for few years and now dads loves my husbands they getting along very well now and my family got really good image of my husband. I can't go back and complain to them.they won't help me my father is waiting to complain so he can get me divorce. What shall I do please help me.

    I just found out my husband gambled with £80 thousand pound all our saving money.i have been married to him for 8 years and got two sons. Most of that money is mine been working hard. Been through thick and think with him and we were planning to buy house for our family this summer. He stole half my money and took all my gold and gambled with it and now he is asking me forgiveness and said he will be a better person but I can't trust him. He did this so many times. I have compromise so much for this marriage.

    Thank you

  9. Tell the police that he gambles and that he is not being a responsible father and husband
    And then later knock at the doors of court... Accuse him of not providing you with respect
    The judge will surely give you the custody of kids as he is abusive not only physically but also verbally
    You will get everything you deserve
    And start recording his abusive behaviour so that you have proof

  10. He is a Sick man and filthy too. Do not pay his debt,as you are working on line and you can support your children save save and then find some courage to move out of his life.Hi is a TERMITE,he will eat anything and everything ,and will have no remorse.

  11. Feel sorry for u but my hubby gambling 17 yrs same here hard time with 2 kids
    I want to know if I can ask divorce .

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