Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was in a Haram relationship with a non muslim and he left me?

True Love

Salam Everyone

I am 20 years old and I am a modern girl. I have 2 sisters and my parents. My parents are religious but I am not that religious. Last year I met this guy who I had liked. We shared mutual feelings. Somewhere in my heart I knew it was wrong because he is a non muslim. He told me he wanted to date. I told him it would only work if he converted. At that time he didnt believe in God. Our haram relationship began and grew. I gave him the Quran and sent him videos of islamic research. He even fasted and prayed. He joined my family as well. My mom and dad only thought we were friends. But they didnt like me hanging out with this guy. I thought he was a good guy and I trusted him. It created alot of problems between me and my family. He tried to turn me against my own family. I used to have alot of anger and sometimes took it out on him. I feel like sometimes I didnt treat him right. I used to have some problems with his sisters. They used to be rude to me. Even his cousin. But he never stood up for me. He started eating halal food only. Stopped pork too. I thought our relationship was good. Till the day I noticed he stopped reading the Quran. A month later he told me he wasnt happy with me anymore. He said he didnt feel appreciated or loved. Sometimes I didnt want to kiss him idk it just felt wrong. He didnt really respect my parents alot. I feel like he felt resentment because I told him that my parents didnt like us dating. I feel like he lied to me about converting. Maybe if I treated him better he would have converted? Im trying to get over him but its hard  because I get flashbacks of the times I treated him bad. My guilty concious. We never really did alot. He was a boring person but i was the opposite. I made all the plans and stuff. Idk why I just feel like its my fault. I feel as if he did love me because he got me gifts..dropped me to school and stuff. All of a sudden he wasnt happy with me. He asked me to move in with him I said no. After he broke up with me I begged him to take me back. He kept saying no. I went to his house to talk to him and clear things out. He tried to have sex with me so i left. He hurt me alot. Yet I keep blaming myself. Maybe If i treated him better? 3 days after we broke up he also told me he didnt want to convert. And said it was stupid how we had to travel so far to eat halal food. I just cried. And idk why I blame myself. He blocked me on everything. I have no contact with him the past 8 days. I know we cant be. Why did he do this? Also 2 days ago I had a dream I was in mecca...can this be in relation?

Btw when he broke up with me it was the day we had a fight. In the beggining of our relationship he told me he would change his last name because its non muslim. The day I asked him a year later he told me he didnt want to anymore. So I called him fake. And then he told me he doesnt want to be with me. He broke up with me 2 weeks before my 20th birthday. He wished me on my birthday at 1 am. I told him it was very plain to say happy birthday. He said im not ur slave. This guy clearly has moved on. I know he was a kaffir. And I prayed to Allah 2 months ago to remove this guy from my life if he wasnt serious about Allah.

What should I do from now on?

Anisabb

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4 Responses »

  1. As Salamu alaykum,

    Dear sister...

    Go on with your life and stay on Allah's path.
    This was clearly not the right guy for you and be glad he is erased out of your life. Not out of your brain but if you show repentance and follow Allah's laws you will marry a nice and honest husband.

    May Allah guide us all...

  2. Well to begin, if you made dua for Allah to remove him from your life if he was a kafir and you feel that he was faking being a Muslim, then Allah may have answered you dua.

    You know, it's better not to date in the first place let alone needlessly speak with men. As you can see what happened when you went to his house, he tried to get you to do haram. There is a hadith where Rasoolullah (salallahu alayhi wasallam) says that when a man and woman are alone together, shaytan is the third party. Also, Allah says in the Quran, "O you who have believed, do not follow the footsteps of Satan..." (24:21) From this, many scholars have pointed out how shaytan does not immediately come to a person and tell them to go find someone and commit zina, he will slowly lead them to it and shaytan is very patient. Here, Allah warns us from anything that may lead us to commiting this great sin, "And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way." (17:32). It is highly warned against to needlessly chit-chat with the opposite gender. If you look at the the road people took when they commit zina, usually it starts off with people talking as friends and it escalates to something as dangerous as zina. The punishment in the grave for zina is very severe but alhamdulillah you kept away from that and insha'Allah you'll never be tricked like that again. Know that you should only be associating with Muslims and that if a brother ever does want to have a relationship with you, then remember to seek halal means and he should only speak to your wali.

    Sister, in the end it doesn't matter how you treated him, he wouldn't convert just because you were nicer to him. If he was meant to be a Muslim then Allah will guide him one day but don't blame this on yourself. If he left Islam then he was probably never sincere. It seems that he was faked being a Muslim just so he could date you. In all honesty, he probably just wanted to use you for zina. The fact that he didn't respect your parents, tried to turn you against your family and didn't stand up for you when his family treated you badly goes to show how ugly his character is. Do you think someone who respected you would try to take you away from your family and let others abuse you? If you loved something, wouldn't you protect it? He probably tried to take you away from your family because he thought they were getting in the way of what he wanted. He was manipulating you ukhti. His actions contradict his words. He gave you gifts to make it look like he appreciated you yet he didn't defend you from his family. He is a very ugly man. Never EVER blame yourself, it's only shaytan who is trying to make you feel guilty so you might go back to him. Remember, Allah tells us that Shaytan is a clear enemy to us.

    What I suggest is for you to stay away from him and all men completely, especially non-Muslim men. If you wish to have a relationship then speak to your father and tell him you want to get married. You need to do this the halal way. Remember that it's only shaytan who wishes for you to disobey Allah. He is a clear enemy to you, what kind of friend would want you to be burned for a minute let alone eternity? Shaytan is pure evil so do not listen to any evil desires. You can only have good things if you please Allah. The things that were haram that you thought would bring you good will make you hurt, in this life and the next.

    On another note, it is not permissable for Muslims to befriend non Muslims. How many Muslims have left Islam because their friend confused them in their religion? Just the way you were manipulated by this guy, a day may come where you could be influenced by someone who wants you to leave Islam. Find religious friends, insha'Allah they will have a good influence on you and help you make it to Jannah.

    Allah made this issue very clear.

    "O you who have believed, do not take your fathers or your brothers as allies if they have preferred disbelief over belief. And whoever does so among you - then it is those who are the wrongdoers." (Quran 9:23)

    "O you who have believed, do not take the disbelievers as allies instead of the believers. Do you wish to give Allah against yourselves a clear case?" (Quran 4:144)

    "O you who have believed, do not take the Jews and the Christians as allies. They are [in fact] allies of one another. And whoever is an ally to them among you - then indeed, he is [one] of them. Indeed, Allah guides not the wrongdoing people." (Quran 5:51)

    “O you who believe! Take not as (your) Bitaanah (advisors, consultants, protectors, helpers, friends) those outside your religion (pagans, Jews, Christians, and hypocrites) since they will not fail to do their best to corrupt you. They desire to harm you severely. Hatred has already appeared from their mouths, but what their breasts conceal is far worse. Indeed We have made plain to you the Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses) if you understand”
    [Aal ‘Imraan 3:118] 

    “Do not keep company with anyone but a believer and do not let anyone eat your food but one who is pious.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2395; Abu Dawood, 4832; classed as saheeh by Ibn Hibbaan, 2/314; classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Jaami’, 7341). 

    “The likeness of a righteous companion and an evil companion is that of one who carries musk and one who works a bellows. With the one who carries musk, either he will give you some or you will buy from him or you will notice a pleasant fragrance from him. With the one who work a bellows, either he will burn your clothes or you will notice a foul odour from him.”  
    Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5534; Muslim, 2628, from Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari, may Allaah be pleased with him)

    May Allah help you and guide you away from those who wish evil for you.

  3. Assalamo walikum sister
    As you are a muslim sister, you should know its haram to be in a relationship with non muslim but at the same time your intention was good so it is okay. You made dua to Allah due to this struggle and Allah answered your prayer by this guy action and words. So you have it sister he is wrong and now you can accept it and move on. Our heart hurts after breaking up with someone you felt so close, so its normal. Your heart will take times to heal. Keep on praying to Allah and inshallah Allah will heal you. Life goes on and you should too. Never hold back your past and pain always move farther in live. You are very young right now, you can acompolish so much as you are just 20 yrs old. So continue with education and inshallah when time is right time Allah will find you the BEST muslim husband than you can imagine. Be patience is the virtue of islam.

    Hope this helps
    Good luck!

  4. Salam,

    Please don't blame yourself as to whether this man believed or not. Allah guides. Please look towards the good that one does instead of looking at how they could've done better but didn't. As this discourages others to be good to you and does not make them feel appreciated. Whereas looking at the good they do makes them feel appreciated and makes them want to do more. Thanks for writing in, salam.

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