Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marriage, dowry, and on the wedding night…


Assalam o Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

I am a single male who likes to know few answers on questions about marriage

1) I have a social and political philosophy, and the philosophy deals with dowry issue. I am against dowry. The reason is that I don't want to burden the family of the to be wife with the dowry. I have seen many parents who are poor and they can't manage to wed their daughters because of dowry. They are so tensed on this issue. The parents of female have to bear the marriage ceremony costs, the dowry costs and other costs. My philosophy is that the parents of female should not spend their money in their daughter's marriage and that only the groom should bear the costs of marriage, what does Islam say about this matter? Is it permissible in Islam to refuse the expenditure of female's parents in the marriage at all?

2) My next question is about valima. I'm against marriage ceremony already because I think that it is to create burden on the female's parents, but I'm also against valima ceremony. I find it bad that I spend so much money on celebrating my wedding, on the other hand many poor people can't marry and can't have family because of poverty, why not give the money of valima to some needy person so that he/she can have his/her wedding, I also find it hard to understand that why spend such money on no useful thing, and I don't consider celebrating wedding as a useful thing? But there is a problem. Will it hurt the sentiments of my to be wife? I recently asked some female relative who recently got wed about it, she said that its a female's dream to have a good wedding and a valima. So I'm confused that I don't want to have wedding or valima because of social welfare reasons, but in this way won't my to be wife get hurt because she would not have her dreams of a good marriage ceremony come true?

3) Now my next question is about the first wedding night. It would most probably be an arranged marriage and in these marriages you don't know your spouse first hand, is it permissible to not entertain your wife on her wedding night and first to get to know her like for one month before have any sexual relations? My male friends who are also bachelors say that it will be bad for relation if you don't perform the thing on wedding night.

4) My final and last question is, is it permissible in Islam to have romance and to fall in love with your wife if she reciprocates the love given and is it permissible to make out with one's wife?


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10 Responses »

  1. Brother, your concern about dowry is 100% acceptable and that what islam teaches, but about walima you are not correct, because I have heard hadit mentioning prophet mohammad says to his companion to do walima celebration atleast with one sheep slaughtering for bride family walima is sunnat. You cant give charity from walima money It is as like as slaughtering animal in eid ud duha should celebrate atleast for bride family.
    It is not good to doubt about wife that she is fresh or second hand. Wife is responsibility after marriage shoult love her. It is not compulsary to have sex in wedding night, it depends on both interest, it is act of love can do any time both like. "Rather than loving girl before marriage love the girl after marriage that love will be for ever" About love allah fills love in both hearts of wedding couples. just read dua to seek refuge from shaitan from allah and to fill more love and hapiness with understanding and to get good children.

    Hope this answer helpes you.

  2. "second hand"... is that a term you're using for a woman who's had sex before marriage?

    • oh know, sorry i meant, "not suddenly", i would not know my wife immediately would i? first it will take time to create understanding

  3. I agree a 110% about what your saying re: dowry from the bride and her family. There is no basis for this in Islam and it's a Hindu tradition which people use to abuse the bride and her family !! However, part of the nikkah contract is for the husband to give his bride dowry in the form of mahr - I think it's compulsory and the wife has a right over it.

    Regarding extravagant weddings - I agree there is no point spending so much on one day when that money can be spent somewhere more useful, but islamically speaking weddings should be announced and celebrated so I think you need to find the right balance. Also walimahs are a part of the sunnah, it's a celebration and announcement of the marriage from the grooms side.

    About intimacy - it's not essential to do everything on the first night. I think whenever your both comfortable. But your wife will definitely have expectations, again you need to strike the right balance, so that she doesn't feel rejected. Personally speaking there should be some love on the first night as husband and wife, but you don't have to consummate the marriage.

    Also after marriage it's completely ok to make out, kiss etc etc with your wife. Your both halal for each other. And it's recommended to show romance, get to know one another and build a strong bond.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    1. It is not Islam that puts pressure on the girl's family to pay dowry. The reason why you probably believe this is because of the cultural influence surrounding you. Is it permissiable in Islam to refuse the expenditure of female's parents in the marriage at all? isn't permissible to expect dowry from them at all! Now, if the girl's family wants to give a gift to their daughter and son-in-law, I don't think that is a problem, but just shouldn't be an expectation.

    2. I agree with you that one should not waste money on a marriage ceremony. Here is what is said about a walima:

    Ibn Battaal said: The waleemah (wedding feast) is obligatory, according to one’s means. There is no minimum number of people that must be invited.

    End quote from Sharh Saheeh al-Bukhaari, 13/283

    And he said:

    The more you add (to the number of guests) at the wedding feast the better, because that helps to announce the marriage more widely and increases the supplications for blessing of one’s family and wealth.

    End quote from Sharh Saheeh al-Bukhaari, 13/282.

    The whole point is to make it known that you have married and to do so within your means. As for hurting the sentiments of your wife, perhaps you should find someone who thinks along the lines of you. If the both of you can't agree to this from the beginning, perhaps you may not have so much in common. This could be a way for you to find out a little about the person you are about to spend your entire life with.

    As for your female relative, it is NOT every female's dream to have a lavish wedding. She may want that, but she doesn't speak for all females.

    3. I think you should get to know your wife, but waiting one month seems a bit extreme. Every couple is different--so after you get married, talk to your wife, try to understand her, let her find out about you and make that decision together and I am sure that when the both of you are together, the decision will be easier to make. Inn shaa Allah, there would be some natural love between the both of you.

    4. As for your last question regarding romance..I would say that not only is it permissible, but in fact, a requirement to have a romantic relationship with one's wife and yes, a wife and husband can "make out."

    May Allah swt increase us in knowledge and help us to practice marriage according to the best of our abilities in a way that pleases Allah swt. Ameen.

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