Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am married but committed adultery with my Christian ex-boyfriend who wants to accept Islam and marry me


I am a married Muslim women married to a Muslim man for 7 yrs we have 3 children. My marriage has not been very good for about 4 yrs now but continue to stay in it due to my children. Prior to my marriage to my husband, I lost my virginity to a christian man at a younger age, he moved and we lost contact. I have since found this man via the Internet and we have been talking for the past year, we have since committed adultery and i feel horrible about the sin i have committed.

I am usually a good Muslim woman but this man has always been my weakness and I am absolutely in love with him. I don't know what to do because this person has since took an interest in ALLAH(swt) and Muhammad(pbuh) and and wants to convert to Islam not just for me but is something he has been interested in for a long time. He has asked me to marry him and leave my husband.

I feel very confused as what to do as this situation has gotten very out of hand. I pray to Allah every day to forgive me and I try to stay away from the situation but i continue to keep in contact with this person.

- Is it possible to divorce my husband and marry this man after he coverts to Islam?

- How do I repent and do I owe anything to my husband?

- Should I tell him?

Please don't judge me for I am here for guidance, I am only human.


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22 Responses »

  1. salam,
    I think you should not live a double life being with your husband and thinking about this guy,if you think you love him you should be with him.You should divorce your husband ones this guy converts muslim you can do nikkah with him. i dont know which country you live in and what the law is in your country but in canada and U.s you will have to split everything in half.good luck

  2. Walaykum Assalam, Liya Yaya

    Am not judging you, as everyone makes mistakes, and if we were perfect we would be known as angels not humans. I cant really give you Islamic advice, as i dont no much about islam myself, however i wanted to reply to your post, for the simple reason it's been here for a couple of days, and no one has gotten around to answer it, and am sure you were in dire need of some advice, help or any sort of feedback.

    Well i just wanted to state the obvious, having a relationship (be it physical or emotional) out of wedlock is haram, which am sure you already know. I am glad this Christian man is taking a interest in islam, and inshAllah if Allah (swt) will's he will soon become a muslim, however that doesn't or shouldn't change anything for you, as you are a married women and should only be thinking about your husband, you cant just divorce your husband, in order to marry your lover, you cant lead a haram path just to make it halal.

    You should repent to Allah (swt) and try and make your marriage work, with your heart 100% committed to making your marriage work you might be surprised at how your feelings are changing, as from what i have read, for the past 4 years you have just given up, don't give up please, think about your kids, keep praying to Allah (swt) to guide you the right way, keep repenting, Pray To Allah (swt) to make you happy with your destiny, what ever that maybe, and to take you away from what is not good for you, Liya yaya i no this is not easy, Especially when one is emotionally attached to someone, buh take it from experience Allah (swt) greats people who come to him with open arms, If Allah (swt) brings you to it, he will bring you through it (inshAllah), please start to pray regular (if your not already doing so) i assure you with your every prayer you will find sakoon, and the strength to go that little bit further, take a day at a time, don't think about the future, if you give up something just for Allah (swt) my imaan is he will reward you immensely for it, please try and read or gain more knowledge about islam, it will give you more courage and make you realise what your doing is for the best, this life is not easy, buh Allah (swt) only puts them through the test that are most closest to him, All he wants is for you to ask him for help.

    Allah (swt) loves us 70 times more than our own mothers, and the love and bond between a mother and child you should no as your a mother yourself. you could never deliberately harm your child could you?

    so therefore what ever Allah (swt) has planned for you, is obviously for your best interest and benefit, maybe you dont realise this now, buh in time inshAllah you will, just keep asking for forgiveness and pray Allah (swt) give's you the courage and strength to get through this test inshAllah.

    I pray to Allah (swt) to make us all happy with our destiny's and give us strength to lead a halal life (ameen)


      Of all the comments yours was the one that made most sense and i am and will take your advice 100% ...i posted my comment for help because this situation was and is very difficult for me ALLAH (swt) and Islam is my heart and it is where i belong i am not perfect far from it .But i am definitely trying to make right by my deen and iman,Since i posted my comment i have decided to leave this man be as hard as it. And i am trying to do what ALLAH (swt) is asking of me .....Inshallah allah will forgive me for what i have done .But this does not mean i am happy with my husband as we have not been for a very long time but as a Muslim women continue doing what i was before all this i have been the glue and the foundation to my marriage and my family believe it or not. I was just trying to be happy i guess you can't have it all..I just have one more thing to do and that is confessing this to my husband and ask him for forgiveness as well no one deserves what i have done and in my heart i can't hold that on my con chest,no matter what the end results are i am willing to face them i think it's best.It's just hard because i never ment to hurt anyone even if i have been hurt by them ...May ALLAH guide us all to his path and forgive us for what we do knowing and unknowing.

      • Sister Lia Yaya, Asalaamualaykum,

        Alhumdulillah you have broken off the haraam relationship with the ex. May Allah give you the strength to remain steadfast in this. I felt an extreme urge to write to you after reading this reply of yours, as you would be sinning by telling your husband of your sin. Every Muslim has an 'obligation' to protect the honour and dignity of his Muslim brother/sister's honour and that of himself aswell - even if you have to dodge the truth or lie.

        Sister, you want to confess your sin to your husband, only to release the burdens from your own soul, but unknown to yourself you will be incurring more sin by doing this. Allah has so far concealed your sin, Praise Allah for this Mercy He has bestowed on you and show Him gratitude by accepting this gift from Him(swt). Furthermore, do sincere tawbah. If you feel burdened by your sin, try to seek comfort in Allah and if you still continue to feel some burden, accept this as a small punishment for your great sin. You can even turn this burden into a blessing by seeking more repentance from Allah because of it, thereby bringing you closer to Him(swt).

        If you confess, you will damage your marriage greatly, it may even result in divorce, this will affect your children badly too. Sister, there is more benefit in accepting Allah's gift of concealment than to reject it and expose yourself.

        If you were in a country that enforces Shariah Law and you were to bear witness infront of your husband or anyone else that you have committed adultery four times, then you would be liable to be lashed to death, but Allah has offered you concealment instead.

        Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: “The Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu `alayhi wa salam) said: “Every member of my nation will be forgiven, except those who expose their wrongdoings. An example of this is that of a man who commits a sin at night which Allaah then conceals, but, the next morning, he goes and says (to people): ‘I committed such and such a sin last night’ - while Allaah had kept it secret. During the night Allaah had concealed it, but in the morning he tore up the cover provided by Allaah Himself.” [Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]

        The Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu `alayhi wa salam) said: “Refrain from these filthy matters (i.e. sins) that Allaah has forbidden, and if one of you is tried by committing any of them, then let him conceal them as Allaah has concealed them for him.” [Al-Haakim]

        The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa salam) said: “Whoever covers up the fault of a Muslim, Allaah will cover up his fault(s) on the Day of Resurrection.” [Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]

        Extract taken from an article on:

        "If one sins, he should not even inform a single person, and must repent and resolve never to commit the same sin again. One may, however, inform a scholar or a wise friend in order to seek his help and receive advice on how to refrain from and resist such sins, as well as to receive guidance on matters that would protect him from being tempted again and to inform him of deterrents that would prevent him from falling into the same mistake again."

        Sister, please be stronger, I pray that you take heed after reading the above and that Allah accepts your repentance, Aameen.

        SisterZ, Editor

        • I meant 'stoned to death', not 'lashed to death'.

          • You have mistaken; you have taken the hadith out of context and generalized it for everything

            dont you think concealing a right up on breaching it is haram in islam?

            Yes it is husbands right that a woman remains faithful to him. Upon breaching it, she needs to get the forgiveness from him before getting it from allah. She must confess to him and must face the consequences (most of the time bad) if she is truly believed in Allah.

          • So true Ahmed Islam

  3. Salam sis

    Please do istakhara and ask Allah to guide you. Commting adultry is a grave sin. How would u feel if ur husband commits adultry with another woman?

    Do you think your new husband would accept ur children? he is interested in you but not ur kids. Think well about their future as well.

    Keep praying and ask God to guide you. For sure He will make a way....

  4. Hello,
    A little advice. In your four years of not so good marriage did you put as much energy into helping your marriage as you did in finding this other man? Don't feel defensive. I am being sincere and not judgemental I assure you. It's a question for you to answer on your own for yourself. You say you two are in love with each other. Also that "this situation has gotten very out of hand." Divorcing and splitting your family you will see will also do this to you and your family. It will spiral out of control. You get love but detroy your family.

    Okay now that I have said all this I want to tell you why I say these things. I know the feeling of love and how encompasing it can be. Love is in your every thoughts. So you have three children, a husband, and a lover. You have to weigh all sides. You stay and work on your marriage you save the family and hurt your lover and discard that love. OR you divorce tear apart family and marry your love.

    Questions you should ask yourself. Is your husband a bad man? What has he done bad? Is he a good father? Is he a good husband (regardless of problems in the marriage)? Why is your marriage so bad? Have you tried to salvage your marriage during the four years? Do you know and understand the foundation of the problems in your marriage? Why did you search for this other man on the internet when you have a family now and know it would create this big problem? Picture your children with this other man. Would it even work as he is such a stranger to them? How would this divorce affect your children? How would this divorce affect you? What is the worst you have seen your husband behave? I ask this last question because in divorce you will see the absolute most horrific side of your partner unless that person is really a good hearted person and most selfless and thinks of the children above his own wants and needs. Are you ready for possibly years of turmoil in your life through divorce?

    Think of the man you want and ask is he worth doing all this to be with? I'm not talking about how you feel. I'm talking about his personality and compatibility. Is he a good man? Would he accept your children? Would he accept dealing with your ex(which he will have to if you divorce)? Is he stable emotionally, mentally, and financially to jump into a ready made family? I'm sure there are many other questions that could be asked.

    Ask yourself these questions and any others you can think of. Only you know the whole situation from your side of it. Make your decision from all of these answers. If you don't know all the answers then get the answers before making your choice.

    As far as legal or Islamic ramifications I can not help you with those. I am sorry. I do wish you to gain the right choice for you and your family. Think of everything before you do anything.

  5. Salaams,

    The feeling of being "in love" often comes from our nafs, and as such can be dangerously deceptive. Already it has caused you to commit a sin which according to sharia, deserves the punishment of death. We all know that nafsy feelings can and will change with time and circumstances. Your love for this man will likely change in time, even if you leave your husband to marry him.

    Islam is not a religion of frivolity. To leave your spouse and marry someone based on feelings alone is purely frivolous. It is not wise or adviseable no matter how compelling or obsessive the feelings you have are. Imagine how much trouble so many people get in, muslims and non muslims alike, by making decisions based purely on feeling. Imagine how much regret you would save yourself to think beyond those sensations.

    If Allah is guiding this man to Himself and to Islam, that will happen regardless of what you do or don't do. You can't speed it along, you can't prevent it from happening based on your choices. You can't help or hinder Allah in His divine decree for this man. So that wouldn't be a reason for you to act impulsively, either.

    Just like an addict needs to abstain from his drug of choice, you need to abstain from interacting, talking to, or any other type of contact with this man. That's why there are such important structures in place in Islam about men and women not interacting with one another unless they are married or related by blood.

    Have you made Tawbah, the formal prayer to request forgiveness from Allah? If not, you should do so. You should also let your husband know what has taken place. I know it won't be easy to do, but it sounds like there are a lot of aspects of your marriage that need healing and attention, and it won't happen without honesty and vulnerability. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, especially marriage. You have violated that trust (even though your husband might not be aware of it), so you would do best to rebuild it with him appropriately. It is a sign of maturity to admit you've wronged someone even when you are in a position to "get away with it". However the rewards of choosing that path far outweigh whatever you think you are saving yourself by keeping it secret.

    And Allah always knows best.

  6. salaam,

    Fear allah and make tawbah. Do not contact this ex again. If your husband doesn't fulfil your rights doesn't mean go and sleep with your ex.

    • you don't know what your talking about but thanks for your time....

      • Assalamu wa alaykum my sister,

        May Allah's Peace and Blessings follow you wherever you may be. I for one am not hear to badger you, or to tell you what you have done wrong, and practically criminalize you. "NO", everything in this life has happened for a reason, even if we-(us) humans do NOT understand it.

        We cannot think that we control every aspect of our lives, "NO", we are given the gift of free will, so it begs me to wonder, was your marriage (GOOD)?, meaning did your husband provide the essentials for you?, Was he a tyrant and a transgressor?? Did you divorce him using Khula??, but he did not accept? Was he abusive to you or you children???

        These factors play a huge role in any marriage,
        These are questions that you need to reflect on.

        I want you to know and understand, that I was in an abusive marriage, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I divorced using Khula.. NOW I MIGHT ADD, MY EX-HUSBAND DID NOT ACCEPT!!, but that is not my problem.. There is no wrong upon me, for doing so, it was for the betterment of myself and my children.

        So those of you, who claim that they know all there is to know about Islam, I interest you to consider, guarding your tongues on matters of the heart!..

        Maybe Lia Yaya, did not tell her whole story, so certainly it does not give us the right, to comment on anything.. The prophet (pbuh). teaches us, "THE BEST MEN, ARE THOSE WHO ARE GOOD TO THEIR WIVES!, and let me just add, (Women do NOT usually leave a good marriage just for another lover, Thats what Kafir,s do.

        So with that being said, LIA YAYA!, I call out to you, please be more specific in regards to your calamity, and Insha Allah by God's Mercy, you shall not be frowned upon.

        I speak openly about my thoughts and opinions, Allah has blessed me with great understanding, so I plead with others on this site, not to challenge my opinion. As it is humble enough.

        One last thing, My sister, Know whats in your heart, and choose the gifts Allah has provided you, meaning your Children, and love them!, and if it is written than you and your lover, will be joined together in Islam. He just wont be known as your lover, but more practical to be called your future Husband to be.

        Think deeply, and choose wisely, never assume the first thought that enters your mind, to be the correct thought. Ill pray for you....

        Best regards..

        In regards to your husband, Pray for him daily as well, and if he truly is the victim. then you already know what to do!, Consider the options well...

        May your mind and heart blossom, like a growing vine, that never stops growing..PERSONAL PRAYER!!

  7. Asalam u alaikum!
    could anyone tell this that if she confess her sin infront of her husband then Islam allows her husband to keep her as a wife if her Husband wants?i hope u understand my point..i mean after Adultery Nikah does'nt get finish?

  8. salaam all
    what i would like to know is how do u make this right and move on with life despite what some might think or say Islam is my heart and where i belong .i think some people do not understand that when people come to a site like this it is for help and guidance it takes alot for someone to confess usually it is because they feel horrible i believe that that's what a true Muslim is when u are able to acknowledge your mistakes and make them right and not to return to it. we are all human and no one is perfect sometimes life is hard and u don't use your best judgement. no one is going to sit here and tell you their entire life story form A to Z so u could understand maybe why it is they do what they do but i don't believe anyone does anything for no reason at all .ALLAH is above all . may he forgive us and bless us with his imam and guide us to him. Thanks to all for your time.

  9. Salamu Aleikum Lia Yaya,

    It is understandable that you feel torn.... that's exactly the feeling we have when we don't know what to

    do, we are tempted by feelings, emotions, desires and at the same time, know that it may be morally

    wrong. Look, my dear sister in faith, I believe, personally, that there is a reason why Islam tells us

    to lower our gazes, not to look at non-mahram men, or women, and have an Islamic lifestyle.

    There are always reasons why we stop "loving" someone, stop working on ourselves and on our

    marriage. There are pillars of a healthy relationship, one is sexual attraction( which is often

    completely neglected as in many cultures, women are just baby "producing" machines, which

    doesn't mean having children isn't a blessing from Allah, but a lack of romance, candle light

    dinners, gifts, unexptected spontaneous honey-moons and unwanted early pregnancies make

    marriage antiquated). Secondly, a good communication, addressing problems and handling

    them together. A marriage is not about me, it's about us. Being a shoulder, a garment, someone

    to lean on. To trust. Thirdly: Having time for each other even if children are involved. When the

    husband returns from work and is tired, the wife is busy with the children, often romance is on put on

    the backburner. That's sad and is a problem that can be solved.

    Fourthly: Having common religious values. Being on the same level, not all of us are practising Muslims.

    In Islam , we have to make an effort to work on our marriages, before we turn to divorce as a last resort

    Provided that your life was hell and all of the above-mentioned aspects apply to your marriage, it is still

    not allowed to have any form of contact with a non-mahram man. My dear sister, can I ask you a question

    I often ask in cases of infidelty? This man, logically and objectively speaking, had a sexual affair with a

    married woman. How do you know he wouldn't do the same to you? When he has finally married you,

    and you aren't happy , who tells you he is not going to sleep with a married woman again? Look at the

    morals of this man, leave desires and emotional feelings aside, ( that wouldn't have come into existence

    without close contact, which is avoidable). I have seen so many relationships like this, husbands leaving

    wives, wives leaving husbands because of someone else...... it's a vicious circle. When you have once

    done something illicit, it becomes normal and you will do it again. The believer in Islam who commits a sin

    feels like a heavy burden is on his shoulder, whereas the unbeliever feels a fly is sitting on it. A fly

    doesn't have any weight, the believer feels uncomfortable. He can't get away with it easily, he has

    a religious conscience. That is the heavy burden the unbeliever doesn't have.

    My dear sister, I hope you feel the burden, that you have done something wrong. Please don't destroy

    your family and children for the sake of Shahwa and desire. Love can only be build on honesty and

    committment. It can be cultivated like a piece of land , or it's going to dry out.

    Work on it. If it doesn't work, then file for divorce. But don't marry the person you committed zina with,

    it's like inviting the Shaitaan into your new life.

    If I said something hurtful or unpleasant, I do apologize sincerely. I hope your problem will be solved

    soon, only Allah knows better.


  10. Salam,
    From my humble understanding of Islam you should not disclose your sin to anyone, not even those closest to you. You are not 'obliged' to tell your husband as some people here erroneously suggest. This could prove disastrous to your marriage. Allah will forgive you if you are sincere. Our problem is that we have a limited perception of Allah's forgiveness. It is far beyond the realm and limits of human forgiveness. Resolve not to go near this man again and ask Allah to help your marriage. Pray to Allah in the small hours of the night and He WILL respond. No, do not tell your husband of your mistake. It is not a sin to withold this 'harmful' information from him.

    wa alaikum salam

    • Do you even realize the punishment of adultery. It is a crime committed not only against Allah but also against ones spouse . Allah can forgive you but you need to ask your husband or wife for forgiveness also . If he didn't forgive you then you aren't forgiven .

      It is just like back biting . When you back bite some one , Allah may forgive you for the sins but you also need to ask for forgiveness from the victim also . If the victim didn't forgive you then you are not forgiven .

      • I know that , by doing this you are putting your marriage at stake but remember one thing .

        Are you willing to destroy your life hereafter just for couple of years in this world .

  11. Wa alaikum salam. I understand where you are coming from, but I have read in numerous places that you do not reveal such a crime to anyone, not even your spouse. It is between you and Allah and there is no condition that I am aware of where your spouse needs to forgive you as well as Allah in order for you to be pardoned. This is shirk to a certain degree. Once you have made sincere taubah to Allah then you are forgiven insha Allah. Please be careful of what you are posting here on this site, as you can very easily leave brothers and sisters despondent, which can lead to all sorts of tragedies. We are human beings and we do not have the same capacity for forgiveness as Allah the Almighty. Disclosing such a sin that Allah has kept hidden from people is not a good thing to do islamically, regardless of how much you abhor the sin. I understand that a person may want to tell their partner out of sincerity, but most people would find it hard to forgive such a thing. I know that adultery is a grave sin but Allah forgives ALL sins, no matter how disgusting the sin my be.We claim that we grasp the vastness of His Mercy but most of us are incapable of comprehending the Creator's Mercy. Please, please, please beware of what you are advising. Allah knows best.

  12. I wonder is this the time when our community is at so much low level .
    Zina is already a big sin and on top of it married woman doing Zina is the worst . You need to cut all contacts with him .How come you use all good islamic words on your tongue and still do it ? High time to change yourself .

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