Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My family are unkind about my husband

Money roll, dollar bills, cash

Arguments about money are tearing families apart...

Assalaam alaikum,

Me and my husband have been married almost 2 years Alhamdulillah. We were arranged 3 years ago by our families. At first I told my parents I don't want to marry him but I did Istikhara and everything came out positive. Everything was fixed between the families. At that time my Husband was on a student visa and in 2012 he had to apply for a new visa for which he needed money. He explained everything to my dad and he knew everything all along. At the end time my family found out he needs money, £5000, for his visa and my dad knew it was going to be spent on the visa. However my family misunderstood and thought that he needs it just for a bank statement and he will return the money within a week. Eventually my family started asking him to give the money back but he told them that they were spent on the visa and my dad knew about it. He said that when he gets his renewed student visa and 20hrs work per week he will try and return the money eventually.

Still they pressurised him to ask someone else to give the money. My family said to my Husband that they had borrowed money from someone and they are asking for it. However, a couple of times my mum had told me that they were savings that she gave and not to tell him. But I think this slipped out of her mouth. Once she also asked me for my savings that I had and she said she needs to give it to the people who are asking for the money. I had £1200 savings that I kept from the part time work I did and I gave it to her. But the thing is that when I gave it to her my aunty uncle grandma was sitting there. And when I gave her the money and she said "what shall I do with this money" in a sarcastic way and my uncle spoke and he said "oh I need to give somebody money so just give it to me so I can pay his money off" I was so shocked... like why is my mum lying to me?

My Husband got a reply for his visa in July but on his visa they wrote he can't work due to immigration rules changing. After that things started getting worse. Every phone call my mum or grandma made to him they would ask for money. If he came to our house they would ask for money. They would also ring his parents and tell them to get money from someone. It all came to a point where he didnt want to ring my mum because they used to pressurise him due to money.

My uncle went to Pakistan and my husband's parents and my uncle grandad and some other people sat in a gathering to sort things out. My uncle insulted his parents so much in front of other people and called my husband a fraud a liar a thief and so on. He blamed his parents for not giving him a proper upbringing and so on.

When he came back they had a gathering here also and I told my husband to record what everyone is saying. Later he sent me the recording and I was shocked. The amount of bad mouthing my uncle and grandma had done about him.

My family also decided we are not going to get married anymore because of all this.

Me and my husband decided to run away get married and I could work for his visa and we can pay their money back. Because money was the root of all these problems. SubhanAllah he got his visa and is now working. After a year or so I got back in touch with my family and now im also visiting home at times.

My family doesn't want to talk to my husband and I can understand that due to everything. But they try to instigate me against him in the sense that they will try and tell me things against my husband. Such as 'he will leave you once he has his full stay in UK' and his 'cousin in Pakistan is waiting to get married to him once he got his stay' also that 'he is making me work so he can runaway with all the money'.. I mean .... What?

My family have also advised me that I should leave my husband and come back home and they will get me married somewhere else. These things sometimes make me not want to go home or even ring them. Because all they do is talk bad about my husband. Its so upsetting for me to know that my family want to break my relationship with my husband. He has been very good to me Alhamdulillah. He has never even raised his voice at me.

I have told my husband about all this but still he says everything will get better. If he wanted he could also stop me from talking to my family or going home.

what should I do in regards to my family. No matter how much I try to make them understand that my husband is good they will still bring some negativity out of him!!!


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7 Responses »

  1. Be very careful sister not to be blinded because people will do just about anything to get hold of a visa & stay in the country. Even those that appear very decent change their colours in no time. It's good to be positive but just remember this is a common occurrence which is why most people avoid marrying back home. They will even have kids & the man will still run. He will have to keep you sweet for atleast 5 years so only time will show you the actual reality. But be prepared & keep your family close because if bad times hit then atleast you know you can have some support. If things remain settled in a couple of years then your family will eventually accept him once they believe he is genuine. So in the meantime pray & seek guidance from Allah (swta) who knows best.

    Family are not always right but neither does that mean they are always wrong. There may even come a point where your husband will use all of this as an excuse to say he does not want to be with you anymore, once he feels no need for you. So you will still blame your family for the problems in your life. I've seen this happen to the best of people, so just remember that Allah (swta) has blessed us with a mind so that we use it.

    Inshallah I pray things work out for you & that your husband is indeed a good man.


    • I agree. Many of my friends fell into the same trap. These men from back home completely change after they get their settlement visa and citizenship! . You will be shocked, it makes you wounder if your marriage was even real, living half of your life with this FAKE person who in the end just finds petty excuses and leaves! 🙁

  2. I am wondering why 5000 pounds for changing to a student visa?? It does not make sense?? Did you ever ask what exactly he spend on? Do you know this guy long enough? It sounds harsh but your mom may have her point:. I don't understand here is you keep addressing him as"husband"??? Did you both formally marry? Are you living together now? I don't understand and hard to give you advise.

    Please don't be emotional and do listen to people close to you. Ask yourself and your family if you have good enough of information about this guy? If he is a good guy, I trust he will pay when his visa is valid after marry you for a certain time. Maybe ask him to write a letter of evidence that he will return the money and sign in front of someone you both know, etc.

    Also, your uncle went to Pakistan to visit your "husband's" family, what information did they gather? What made them say such a negative thing about your "husband"? Are your family only concern of money always? Do they ever consider a person's deen, etc, etc. If they have a pattern and history of only looking at the money side, then you should stand up for yourself and speak for your "husband".

    Do pray to Allah and perform istakikhara for your marriage. DO NOT ONLY stand on his side, you only know him for a short while. I sincerely hope he is a good guy but when it involved to visa, it is complicated and confused. By the way, have you ever think of how he pay his tuition and living in UK on the student visa? That means he comes to UK to look for a bride to stay??? Be careful.

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister, correct me if I am wrong, but I assume that you ran away with your husband and got married. If that is the case, there is a chance the Nikah is invalid if the proper measures were not observed. You would know the details as well as the Imam present, so please do look into that. If I am wrong in my interpretation, and your father was the Wali, you must sit down with your parents and openly discuss this with your feelings aside.

    It is not uncommon for some people to marry for citizenship and pull all kinds of tricks and put on a show for a number of years to get what they want, so it would be unwise to completely ignore what your family has to say. From what you have disclosed, it seems that not everything is right about your husband's story.

    Be careful and cautious. Listen to your family. Look at the hard evidence without your emotional heart. We can't be completely clear on what the case may be for your parents especially because of how you have described your husband.

    May Allah make it easier for you, Ameen.

  4. Oh, you did say you were married, I am sorry that I skipped a paragraph. If that t is the case, you ran away and got married to this guy, there is not much advice we can offer to you. You chose to stay with him and now pray for the best he won't change. One thing you should do is to work out a payment to pay the debt that your husband owe. This may help to give some credits to your husband.

    Sister, I think it was really not wise and wrong to run away. Trust me, you did not need 5000 pounds to change to a student visa. When you add the story together, it doesn't sound good and right. Did it cross your mind that he may just want to get marry for the visa? How one would not have known the law has changed? It is just a lie. Now, just pray that he will not marry someone else back home once he got the visa. I am sorry to say that.. Unfortunately, there are so many cases like this.

    For now, try your best to mend the relationship with your family. Your family is the rock who will support you if anything happens to you and your husband. Take care.

  5. Sister listen to all the advises given above.

    I was married to a man who came to Canada only for the citizenship. I am thankful to Allah (SWT) who helped me deal with this fraud man and i took him back home. But his plan was to stay with me for three years and divorse me after. And he sure was always polite and nice to me just like you are telling about your husband.

    So please don't just take side of your husband. First of all you made a huge mistake by running away and getting married to him. Believe me this thing will come back to you (i hope not) and as one sister said above he might end a relationship with you and say you are not even faitful to your parents than what good are you going to be with me. I pray to Allah (SWT) that you both stay happy together and he turn out to be the best husband but please do some work at your end.

    I would suggest that since you are living with him do keep an eye on his activities. Because this is how i came to know about my ex-husband plans. And also about his immigration papers which revealed that he applied to come to Canada before but it was denied. So i came across in his life and he decided to fool me and come to Canada. But thanks to Allah (SWT) i learned about his plans and took him back home.

    I also did Istikhara before marriage and all was good. But please don't just think that Istikhara means that all will be well and no problems will come. It is the guidance and we are here to make wise decisions so do your daily prayers and ask Allah (SWT) for guidance and help. Only Allah (SWT) is our helper.


  6. If he is a good husband and fulfilling his duties faithfully then be not tell him what your family says about him it might create enmity. Tell your family that he is your husband and he deserves respect and that he is good to you. You need to respect your family but they do not have a right to insult your husband or spread lies which is wrong.Unless your husband does something to rise suspicion please dont doubt him..Allah (swt) says in the Holy Quran Chapter 49 Surah Hujuraat verse 12:
    O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other nor speak ill of each other behind their backs.
    He might be a genuinely good person.Is he working and spending on you now?is he helping you pay off the debt to your parents?even if he might have wanted to come abroad but that still doesnt necessarily mean that he doesnt intend to be a loyal husband. Nevertheless pray to God for protection from evil and harm.

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