Islamic marriage advice and family advice

She lied to me about being a virgin

Love, marriage and virginity

Assalamu Alaikum,
I got married few months ago to a Muslim sister. We dated for several months but never had sexual penetration with her. I saved everything for our nikaah.

During our dates, I OPENLY asked about her virginity and she confidently insisted to be VIRGIN and chaste. I accepted to marry her and ignored my doubts about some of her behaviours/flaws - e.g she sometimes had the expressions that she wouldn't mind marrying to a non-virgin husband( I don't know if that was a hint from her side that she wasn't herself a virgin and I didn't pick it up).

Allah had always made it difficult to decide on the situation during our dates as I always felt quite unsure if I were taking the best decision. I ignored all these feelings as being from Shaytan.

After consummation I felt depressed. I asked her about the situation and she confessed to have lied to me INTENTIONALLY and gave all types of excuses for her situation. I tried to forgive her and didn't dig into her past even though I have a "reasonable doubt" that her past wasn't good ( I mean, experience doesn't hide itself!).

Weeks later I am still in state of confusion, worries and fear to fall into depression.I question why she lied to me in the first place? I repeatedly told her how I hate Zina and my intentions to marry a chaste woman. I now replay the chances of me missing to follow my instincts and concerns about her character and withdrawing from the commitment. I naively thought not to let down a sister for no proof or big reason.I ignored the belief and picture of my future wife that I held for many years.

As I consider divorce to avoid giving her a miserable and resentful life or hurting my mental status any more, I most welcome your advices.

KH


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49 Responses »

  1. Brother,

    We all have a past as human beings. You have a choice, accept her for who she is and see the good things about her and don't ask about her past anymore as we are not supposed to reveal our sins.

    Or let her go if you are going to mentally torture her and taunt her for the rest of your married life. It's not fun to be with a paranoid husband who keeps bringing the past in every argument. That me, don't become that guy.

    Stop obsessing abut this and move on brother. You cannot change people's past and she cannot change what happened.

    Love her for who she is and enjoy your new marriage.

    • AOA. This virginity issue, is critical, and needs to be clarified. I am pure, and don't believe in relations before marriage. Now, first one thing needs to be clarified,, is, what are the possible ways, to loose virginity for females. I have heard, they could loose it accidently, through any physical acitivity. If there is anything like that,, we must, give them the benefit of doubt,, and not consider that she had intercourse with someone else. Although,, reading posts, on this web,, I am really worrried,, how girls have dated men, and had intercourse, as they confessed. A sister, might throw some light, on ,, how possible could they loose virginity,, to avoid all the confusion.

  2. I don't agree at all with the ignorant, above- mentioned reply.
    One cannot simply ignore someone's past.
    Caring about you partner's past, doesn'y simply mean you're a 'paranoid' person.....
    Nowadays people tend to commit zina relatively easily, and then hide themselves after the fatwa of not revealing their sins.

    This brother made it very clear he wanted someone chaste/pure.
    She lied intentionally, as he states.

    Allah swt clearly states: good women are for good men, and vice versa in the Quran. (Surah 24. An-Nur, Ayah 26 )
    I am really sorry for you, so you can either accept her sins, of divorce her, and cut off all contact, and find someone better.
    It's like buying a BMW, and finding out the next day, it's a Nissan.
    Ofcourse you'll feel betrayed, which you are.
    So brother, this will either hunt you down for the rest of your life, or you can make a wise decision here...

    Ma'salama

    • I am sorry brother, he himself has said they dated for several months,......so he is not a sheik himself who avoided all non mahram interactions. No one is perfect.

      You look at a persons character now as they are, not their past.

      If she is a woman who is trying to better herself, you look at her now. But if you will continuesly bring it up, then please free this woman to lead a happy life without her husbands constant finger pointing at her past.

    • Assalam wa alikum

      Brother Imad, your words are harsh, this is a marriage we are talking about, forgiveness is better then hating. The brother clearly has good questions which can be resolved if they communicate with each other, divorce should never be considered until there is very good reasons such as deliberate adultery ect, but what she did before marriage can be forgiven. Have you forgotten that Allah hates divorce but allows it. This brother needs to talk seriously and learn to love his wife again and in turn she needs to learn lessons from what she did and change her character but divorce in his case would be unnecessary and not something they should think about until they see a sheik or marriage councillor.

      I hope I helped the brother in question.

    • The brother wasn't chaste himself ..................
      You can't believe yourself worthy of that which you do not have to offer...
      Have you read the initial post properly?

      The brother wanted a wife that resembled the salaf... a wife of the status of Aaishah may Allah be pleased with her, all the while indulging in pre- marital relationships looool of course he did..............

      You can't hope to be thin, all the while stuffing your face with chocolate.....

      I remember watching this documentary about this man from Pakistan who raped a young boy, he too said he wanted such a wife, that reads quran etc etc

      The questioner has forgiven himself of HIS checkered past yet believes his wife should repent to him for hers, or in some way requires his forgiveness? go figure,.......... her past is between her and Allah, let this be a lesson to those who only think and practice Allah's commandments when it pleases them.

      you wanted a wife like those of the salaf? or did you just want a virgin? do you think that all the salaf were virgins or that virginity has anything to do with piety?,
      all the brother has rambled on about is virginity and not once has he mentioned deen so its clear salafi wife =virgin to this guy......

      she lied yes, whereas i would have thrown him out of this house if he had the audacity to query my Chasity astagfirullah ........... why do YOU think she lied.............

      Brother needs to get a grip, people on this forum have actual problems, noone in the right mind is going to encourage you to divorce your wife, as it seems you want, if that's is what your going to do, then you'll have Allah to answer to......

      • Just to add, brother needs to stop telling porky pies, your first post states you asked your wife 'openly' in regards to her virginity, now you have backtracked stating you never questioned her in regards to this, you just both 'knew' remarkable powers you possess,

        Brother have you ever thought that you didn't get a wife like those of the salaf because you just don't quite live up to those standards?,

        I'm mean your blatantly lying to your brothers and sister here astagfiruallah.....

        • Hi Muslimah.

          The aggressiveness you display in your answers somehow gives the impression of textbook feminist biasness. Its laughable how every male here seems to be giving compassionate advise (when compared to yours) while you simply berate him as if this brings home bad memories. Please let's not bring personal biases here.

          Firstly, the OP only dated this one girl in his life. He never went as far as she did in her exploits. There are levels that need to be compared here.

          Secondly, If you read his post again, it seems like he really wants to give this another chance.

          Thirdly, moving ahead from the topic of virginity, this marriage was based on a blatant lie, so the discussion shouldn't even have gone this far. Its the brother's kindness that he is actually here on the forum.

          Fourthly, why is aiming high i.e. wishing for a pious wife a problem? People should always aim the highest.

          I hope I don't get mauled over for this by you ๐Ÿ™‚ but this is what I feel needed to be said.

          Allah knows best.

          AAZA

          • Errm ok,

            Not really sure how feminism is relevant here, maybe your chauvinism has led you to reach that conclusion.... after all your the one who has made a distinction between the sexes while i have never made any indication that my views of this situation have anything to do with the fact the commentator is male.

            I never said wishing for a pious wife was a problem? you said that.....
            deluding yourself on attaining a pious wife, while committing haram, is a bit silly though ey?

            I'll not bother responding to the immature insinuations regarding my personal life.

            Allah does know best, hence forth we should all be doing our utmost to obey him, lest we get ourselves into these sort of situations.

        • Dear Muslimah,

          Do not be bothered with the 'feminism card' that some people will deliberately use against some people on this site. Saying that a person fears '[getting] mauled' is actually hilarious, but it is among one of those tactics (i.e. name calling and using feminism in a derogatory and negative connotation). I'll admit that it is extremely depressing at times, but pay no heed sister. ๐Ÿ™‚

          • Thankyou for your message of support, its really kind of you,

            Nee worries, I won't be bullied into changing my views ๐Ÿ˜‰

            if your going to commit Zina in order to get married, what place do you have to complain about your spouses history of the Sin you committed yourself,

            If Allah blesses you with a decent spouse, although you disobeyed him, the mentality of then seeing your spouse as some sort of punishment, i believe is great ingratitude to Allah........

            If you want a salafi type spouse, then follow your Dua to Allah with action, since a 'spouse' is another human being, if one of us can come close to the piety of the salaf, why on earth would that person deserve to lumbered with anyone who does not at least try their utmost in regards to the deen....

            I can't say fairer then that, if it make me a feminist in the vocabulary of some, then i'll take it....

            xxxxx

  3. I suggest to leave her instead to live unhappy life. As your state of mind indicated you have reservations with her lie and you are right but it does not mean you can ruin her life by saying her about her past. Let's move forward and find someone else. Keep prying to Allah. Let her enjoy her life. May Allah forgive us all.

  4. KH: We dated for several months but never had sexual penetration with her. I saved everything for our nikaah.

    Are you implying you did not do sexual penetration but you did do other sexual stuff with her? What did you do with her when you were dating with her? How many girls did you date before marrying this girl?

    • SVS:
      Thanks.I am not sure how such information would be of help to you.

      • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah brother,

        Actually, the question sister(?) SVS asked is vital in order to answer your question.

        If you're not a chaste person yourself, then forgive me, but subhanAllah, you're a hypocrite in this case, and you should be seeking Allah's forgiveness rather than looking at your wife's fault.

        However, if you have always been a clean person, never had a haraam relationship in the past, and you kept things clean with your wife prior to marriage, then you have a good question.

        Await your reply...

        Take care,
        was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  5. Yes she's wrong for lying to you, but at the same time I think you should what's best for you. Just remember that we're all humans and we're weak. We all sin because nobody is perfect. I'm sure that she did what she did because she didn't want to lose you. Maybe she knew that u would leave her because she's not a virgin. I wouldn't do that if I was in that situation. However, it seems like you're judging her for what she did in the past. (Which we don't suppose to do). Also, remember how many sins that Allah have forgiven. (Of course nobody knows). Don't try to push her away just because she's not a virgin. I hope everything goes well InshaAllah

  6. Dear brother Kh.. I really understand how hard your situation is. I've been in a very similar situation with my fiance. But she didn't lie to me, she just declared her sins to me. And I know for real you are never paranoid or having insecurities. You have all the right to be sad. A girl's "past........." is a nightmare for a pure and virgin husband most times, esp in the beginning when you first find out, and this bad feeling will never go away if not treated with so much wisdom, patience and prayer.

    If you feel your love to her has changed and you don't want to face the headache and struggle to get over this thing, then I advice you to leave her and look for someone who's more appropriate for. But if you are willing to fight and do what it takes to keep her and maintain your love and happiness, then you should start thinking of treating the problem seriously and with steady steps.

    Here are some points that would help you get over her past and restoring your happiness:
    1- Now putting in regard that you found out about her past, let her be bit more open about her past (if she's also accepting to repair your marriage) in away to show you it was bad, but not so impure as you might imagine, she can tell you she remembers nothing of those days. like even Zina could have different levels of impurity. Let her know that if she try to show you it was all in ignorance and like it didn't get beyond certain extents, that you will appreciate and benefit from knowing that. And let her know that as much as she shows enmity regret and hate to her past, the faster you will get over it and be happy again..
    2- Put in mind that the person she is now is Never the same person she was in her past,, I know how bad your thoughts and imaginations you have in mind are, yet if you look at her as being someone totally different than the past, then that will help you A LOT getting over it. Put in your mind that the person she's now is not the same and she probably have forgot all the 'enjoyment and fun' she had, and she now is looking at her past self as someone else, someone she probably don't know, and someone she hates for ruining her purity and virginity forever in this world. Those points are all i have in mind now, but there're surly much more things to do. If you are interested in more advice, please reply to my comment and we both will surly help each other In Shaa Allah

  7. It is complicated choice .if you feel it is too much for you to tolerate then better to go for final step...I m surprised so long she was hiding her sins then why she opened up and told you about her past after martiage ? Clearly she has lied to you and not sure how relationship will stand on lies ...

  8. Dear Brother KH,

    I feel sorry for your situation. perhaps I feel that I can give you a good advise as I had gone through the same or even worst phase in my married life. We are in the 5th year of our married life and Alhamdulillah we are blessed with 2 beautiful daughters. All of a sudden one night accidently I came to know of this dark past of my wife and she was in tears. There was complete silence for another 3 nights and I barely slept for 5 minutes.

    the fourth night I confronted her and wept badly with my head in her lap. She cried and beg me for forgiveness. I promised her that we will never talk about her past life.

    its been more than 2 years now since i know her past but I learned to accept that she is not a bad woman. We are human we tend to do mistakes. I started to look at myself, my mistakes, my wrong doings and i realized Allah already said in the holy quran "pure women are for pure men" and i know that may be it is my wrong doings Allah has given my punishment.

    After confronting her I used to watch my wife praying five times and after finishing prayers she bows sajda and remain for longer times praying and hiding her tears from me.

    I suggest you also to accept that may be you have done some wrong doings in the past and you got what you deserve. please accept happily what Allah has given you. Don't spoil her life by divorcing her.

    if you divorce and marry someone else what is the guarantee that she will be a "virgin".

    In my case I have realised that I got what i deserve. I am thankful to Allah that he has given me a loving and caring wife and daughters.

    pls pray to Allah that he bless us with a son next time ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. assalamualaikum brother DATING ghair mahram is haraam ............................and talking to her about her virginity it clearly shows you both were indulge in talking about physical relation and it is prohibited in Islam to do so , dont you have elders who you could have told about it and took proposal to her house and if feel when u are so comfortable to talk to a girl about her virginity may also had dated many girls before and marriage is not just about virginity or marrying a virgin , if this girl has repent for her sins and is on right path ,..............so no comments brother we have no right to comment on her ALLAH knows better .

    jazakallahukhair

  10. Brother,
    I understand your situation but she is your wife now. Talk to her and this thing will take time to get out of your mind.
    Brother thinking of a divorce is wrong. Not good.
    Let time heal this thing.
    She loves you.
    Always be with her.

  11. While it was wrong of her to outright lie to you, it was wrong of you to enter into an illicit relationship with her, with respect chaste men and women, don't 'date' before they marry, by not entering into such a relationship, you would have achieved the 'pure' blessed marriage you were after,

    i think it is important to state that you had NO right in asking her about her past, since it was and continues to be non of your business, her sin was committed before you married, and it seems as though you found her fit to marry, but your concern is that she was not a virgin,, you could have alluded to wishing to marry a virgin prior to marriage, but that of course would have been a strange request while 'Dating'

    brother you need to seek forgiveness in Allah for what you have done, why do you still wish to pursue a virgin while not being one yourself? now you know you have no right to ask a women questions regarding their virginity what sense would it make for you to divorce this women, while you could potentially end up right back where you are now.

    i don't know many women who have previously committed zina who are going to sit with any man, particularly a non mehram and divulge their sins, sins are between the sinner and his/her lord, your concern should be that she is regretful and has sought forgiveness only.

    i also would find it strange that any virgin women, would happily marry a man who is overriding concern seems to be her virginity, while he divorced his last wife on the basis of her virginity, and while not being a virgin himself?

    I'm sorry if i sound harsh but i'm finding it hard to find compassion in this circumstance, i think the shaytaan is playing games with your brother.

  12. Thanks to you all brothers and sisters.
    I know we live in a world of full of temptations and fitnah.I met her after years of avoiding any type of dating for the purpose of 1) leading life that was only between work and Masjid. I never stopped performing Salah from young age.2) working hard and saving for my marriage.

    I also kept asking ALLAH for a Saaliha wife in almost every salah for years.I am sure I was not being careful in my choice because there were loads of reasons for me to reconsider my proposal.A punishment for me in this could be that I put myself in situation of meeting a non-mehram in private - something that walaahi was never my intention.It's something I regret and will continue to regret.I repented to Allah and will continue to do so until my death.

    BTW, I never asked her about her past and didn't dig into it.BUT we both know what had happened.

    I am not unforgiving - as this may be a reason for me to go to Jannah whilst covering up the faults of another Muslim - but I am more concerned about her future.For instance, if she doesn't want to change or continue to be oblivious of the magnitude of what she did or my mind fails to accept this, considering that kids may join in the picture.That's why I am interested in learning a lot from those who have had similar situations.

    • I think you need to wait for some years for kids .if you feel she is changed then it's better to forgive n move on but if she continues the old sinfull ways then better to leave her .you just spend more time with her and then decide ..yes you have ended up in complex situation and only time will tell you what to do .till that time avoid having kids ..In most of the marriages people lie and get married because they know after marriage everybody will be in favour of saving marriages ..this is one place where normally telling lies click ..it's unfortunate but true ..

    • Brother there seems to be a lot of confusion and double standards here......

      you seem to think your wife needs to repent to you for the things she did prior to even marrying you?
      her repentance is between her and Allah, and frankly none of your business, she does not need to fling herself around wallowing and crying until you deem her regretful and remorseful enough..........
      you are not Allah, and you do not know what is within her heart, your wife obviously felt guilty enough and trusted you enough to confide in you her past that please let me repeat HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, yet all you can think about its virginity Obviously.....

      It just sounds like your looking for a way out of this marriage, but can't be honest with your own self, you committed the EXACT SAME SIN your wife did, yet seem to think yourself superior to her in some way that you are entitled to forgive yourself and move on, yet she must openly repent to.you,

      you say you are 'forgiving' which assumes you wife needs your forgiveness, she does not, concern yourself with your sins firstly, and leave your wife's past to her since she is the one who will be asked regarding her past on the day of judgement not you.

      • And just to clarify this further to you - forgiveness is between her and Allah. I don't question that and nor will I ever do. Also, I didn't ask her about her past as of this moment I am writing this reply or do I plan to do so in the future. Upon knowing her non- virginity during consummation, that's when she admitted having lied to me. I didn't ask about who she had been with before me and I don't see good in knowing that. The forgiveness I was talking about is just that lying to me was wrong and wrong. For you to understand me more, there were so many things I accepted in her. I am not a man who was looking for perfection in every aspect.

        • You said-

          During our dates, I OPENLY asked about her virginity and she confidently insisted to be VIRGIN and chaste.

          Now you have changed your story, yet it doesn't make any sense, for her to have lied to you, the question would have had to have been posed, just as you initially advised,

          Brother the point you are missing is, the sister lied because you asked her about a business that had nothing to do with you, it is HARAM to directly ask someone to uncover there sins, you were also not in honorable position 'dating a women' either therefore, you don't really have much of a right to be annoyed,

          if you really are this concerned about a single lie of which was quite understandably committed, you really need to mature yourself, your a married man now brother, and your actually considering divorce over what exactly?

          At the end of the day when you got married for whatever reason you both saw it fit to marry one another, despite perhaps having a few reservations, marriage is not easy and in reality your marriage is not bad, think of all the brothers desperate to marry and cannot, read the some of truly terrible circumstances people are in, in their marriages on this forum and count yourself lucky brother, you and your wife can work together in trying to attain the pious levels of the salaf if that is what you truly want, their is a process involved in becoming the best of Muslims, nobody is Just like that,

          don't let this evil shaytaan keep coming to you over this ridiculousness, put this issue to bed and get on with your life, i'm sure your becoming depressed because you can't let go, try to look at this issue objectively and you'll see how silly it is, maybe have a heart to heart with your wife and vow to never discuss it again,

          Its also a trick of the shaytaan to believe Allah has punished you for not getting exactly what you want in marriage, by crying over what we do not have, we forget what we do have and do not appreciate, also what makes us think we as slaves are worthy? this is not Jennah and our spouses are only human,

          i really hope you can work this out brother, try and stop ( i know its easier then it sounds) thinking negatively you'll destroy yourself, and your marriage, and this is when the real problems will begin.

          May Allah bless your marriage inshallah

          • Sister Muslimah,
            Thanks.I really don't know where our misunderstanding is come from. Could be that I am not explaining it well. I have NOT changed anything. May be we are coming from two different cultures or backgrounds . I got to know the sister through people who knew me well and said they knew here too. I didn't pick her up from a street.

            As for the DATING word:I am from a culture you can talk to a potential wife but wouldn't play foul with her.In our conversation of ideal spouses, I emphasised my preference for someone who is virgin that's when I politely asked her.It also came up in our routine conversations and my question was always politely asked without demonising anyone. She could have stepped out .I know virginity might be lost through other ways.This was not meant to humiliate her. As of my writing of this, I didn't accuse her of Zina -although I got to know of her things I don't want to share here as it's a public domain.

            From her side, she asked me loads and loads of questions and I even spoke about smallest particularities about my life that I thought would surface between us - just to make her decision clear and well informed. And this is where I feel betrayed. Marriage is give and take and compromises.This want I fear may haunt me longer than necessary.

            Finally I have a faith in Allah's decree.

      • Asalaamualaikum,
        His wife does indeed need his forgiveness because she cheated him. According to the way he has described himself , he was a virgin before consummated the marriage and he told her very clearly that he wanted to marry a virgin woman . He has been cheated and it is difficult to let such things go as when he may go through the act again . He will not be able to let go of the thoughts of the other man in his wife's past. Which in turn will make life for him and her difficult . I believe that because of the deception he will not be blamed if he divorces her ,but if he doesn't and he forgives here and i cant lay enough emphasis on "HE (KH) FORGIVES" ALLAH SUBHANA HUA TA ALLAH will indeed be pleased with him . INSHA ALLAH . I wish the best for you brother and would request you to make up your mind swiftly and not linger things for her and you.

        • Before you want to educate me, you might want to read ALL of the brothers post,

          I have left this conversation because the brother story kept changing....

          That, and the fact I found the hypocrisy here overwhelming,

          if you want a chaste spouse, don't commit Zina when marrying..

          and Inshallah....

          you'll live happily ever after

          quite simple really

  13. Allah knows what is best for you! You can turn to people and get a variety of responses and this is good because we are to learn good judgement.

    Ultimately you will need to seek help from Allah as to what is the right decision now. Seek help from Allah and be patient with whatever decision your heart then settles on. Istikhaarah is a gift to the believer.

    May Allah inspire us with the right amount of love and fear and give us the good in this life and the next and shield us from the fire.

  14. Dear brother,

    Marriage is a pure personal decision that each one takes for himself. However, as Muslims certain Islamic shariah guides its conducts. Nobody should take a decision for you on your marital issues. its entirely for you to make. I beleive issues like this should not be brought to a public domain.
    For example, a certain sahaba complained to the prophet PBUH that his wife does not reject the hands of strange men and he was asked to divorce her but he said to the prophet PBUH that he loves and then he was told ok leave her if you want.

    Lying is one of three signs of hypocrisy in Islam. Therefore, lying that one is a virgin when in fact is not is a kind of deception and then if the marriage is premised on this condition then one can decide for himself. However, if you truly love her and can forget then the better.

    Listen to your heart and take a decision like a man. Also have a one on one talk with your wife on this issue, perhaps you may have a common ground.

    May Allah choose what is best for us.

  15. Dear brother,

    Are you chaste yourself?
    If this is the case, you should know two things:

    - A girl having sex with a guy does not mean she enjoys it. Most zina relationships are not sexually satisfactory for women, as western statistics say. Sex relations are enjoyed by women only in long term, committed relationships, mostly marriage. So do not assume she felt better with another man than with you.

    - Men are afraid of comparison when it comes to bed, that's why they always want a virgin. But Khadidjah was not a virgin, and she had a great relationship with the best man on earth, who was a virgin himself.
    If your wife had been happy with the other guy, she would have not left him to be with you. So she chose you, you are the winner.

    From a religious point of view, you should know that if you forgive her lying to you for the sake of Allah, that would be considered as a very good deed of yours and Allah s.t. will also forgive you.

    Are you not chaste yourself?
    Then you are just being selfish. Chaste women are for chaste men. There is nothing to forgive.

    And if her general behavior is good and nice, then she deserves to be forgiven. But if she is a liar, it will show in how she deals with you all the time. Bed is not everything, look at her as a whole person.

  16. Main issue here is her lie about being virgin .
    She should not have got married to him and without disclosing her sins she should have politely rejected proposal than telling LIE . He might not trust her because of Lies as she can tell Lies in future also .

  17. We all humans we all make mistakes I do agree with the good responses above but being a woman myself I see a lot of double standards from men who too are not virgins but still want a virgin wife even if they are not FACT. To avoid the debate of virgin or not you should look at the fact if she is worth giving your marriage a go. If you can forget the past and live with the present she too shouldn't have to be reminded there is a reason why things happens. Lying is a betrayal and I am sorry for your pain BUT instead of looking at the past look at the future you could have. Talk to her and give each other time instead of making a mistake that you may regret out of anger. I don't think you should leave her instead rebuild your marriage while you can and forgive her because life isnt how we plan it and Allah tests us all.

  18. Salam Alekum brother

    I would suggest you deal with this situation as best as you can before you have kids with her. Otherwise it will create hate , resentment and bitterness. Lying is wrong it always catches up with the person eventually. Dont bring kids in the equation until you are sure. If however you are pleased with her keep her ,if not then well its just time wasting.

    If you are not sure pray istikhara salat

    Allah knows best

    Wasalam

  19. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you can't trust the person, and what they say, then it erodes the relationship. If her past was important to you, and she lied about it to manipulate you into a relationship, then that doesn't bode well for making the relationship work long-term. She has the mindset that honesty in a relationship is not important, but getting what she wants is the most important thing to her.

    I wonder what would have happened if the OP's gf told the truth about the number of men she slept with vs those she had relationship with and actually didn't feel ashamed of it. I have a female friend that had a wild past and she doesn't feel one bit bad about it and does it if she's single and not looking for a relationship but when she's with a bf, then she's faithful. I'm guessing she would have been judged either way and forced to feel bad or guy walks away right away. It's a lose-lose situation really.

    I don't think it is a lose-lose. It is a win because you now know that this person is judgemental and not right for you. Why would you want to be with someone that is judging you?

    Say you meet a guy that is perfect in all ways, EXCEPT you know he will be judgemental of your past.

    Do you think the solution to that incompatibility is to lie?

    I think the lying is what creates the lose-lose situation.

    The judgemental partner would be in love with the image that the lying person chose to portray. If he discovers the lie, he may feel manipulated & see his partner as a fraud. If he has fallen in love by this point, he will be very confused because his strong feelings for her will cause a conflict within him. He will feel like he is settling for less than what he wants, but he still doesn't want to lose her, so he will bargain with himself & rationalize his doubts. These kinds of relationships can drag on for years, with tons of drama. He loves her & wants her, but those feelings of being duped and looking stupid will cause him to always keep her at arms length. There will lots of arguments. He will constantly jump from being loving & sweet, to cold & closed off because the good moments will be peppered with flashes of "She lied to me", "I deserve better", "I'm so stupid", "What else did she about?". I'm not saying the liar deserves this treatment, I'm just pointing out the issues that are very common in these situations.

    The judged/lying partner is put in the position of not being able to be herself. She knows that if he knew the truth, he would view her as inferior or "less than"- this is why she lied (avoiding conflict). This can set up a dynamic that can damage her sense of self worth. Instead of finding a partner that is right for her, she is manipulating reality to fit her agenda. She feels jusitifed in lying because she sees his judgement as being wrong ("I'm not like that anymore"). Her goal should be to find someone that loves & accepts her for who she is- not to portray an image that she thinks will be more acceptable. This will only create more feelings of shame & inadequacy. It also perpetuates her desire to avoid conflict. When you tell people what they want to hear- and it works- over time it can become their default method of dealing with conflict. Avoiding conflict & discomfort by telling lies is much easier than facing problems & issues in a relationship. I would say it is rare that this starts and ends with ONE lie.

    You don't get to pick and choose what other people care about. You may know 100% that your promiscuous days are over- but it's still not right to skew reality. Other people have every right to set their standards for what they want in a partner. If you don't fit those standards, find someone else that is more compatible.

    Also, "everyone lies about this" is only a rationalization.

    A romantic relationship involves a bond & intimacy between two people. It's about honesty, personal integrity & loyalty. It's about trust, vulnerability & connection.

    The pain & confusion that comes with discovering your partner lied is not negated because "everyone lies about this". The bond doesn't remain intact because "I had a good reason to lie- you would've judged me!". When you lie to a person that has trust in you- it tarnishes the bond, it compromises the connection & erodes the intimacy. What other people lie about is redundant- this is only about those two people & their relationship. It's about their expectations, responsibility, accountability to EACH OTHER.

    There is a saying that a relationship or a family is "only as sick as it's secrets". It means that secrets kill intimacy and create an unhealthy dynamic.

    So for the OP in this scenario, I would ask: Do you value this relationship enough to change your standards? Do you value this relationship enough to forgive the lies? Can you let go of the resentment? And for the woman, I would ask: Do you value yourself enough to find someone that accepts you? Do you think its healthy to be with someone who feels like they are settling for you, or that you are inferior? Can you be assertive & honest, and push through those feelings of "wanting to please"? Can you cope with stress & conflict in a relationship in healthy ways (not lying)?

  20. Assalamu aleikum,

    • Please submit your question as a separate post, or see the comments already given on this post and others that are similar.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalamu aleikum,
      I thank God i have lived all my life without committing Zina. My late wife died a pious woman.
      I met this girl which so many people discouraged me and to a point someone told me that he has slept with her before. Based on that I had serious discussion with her and claimed innocence and couldn't find any evidence against her. I asked her repeatedly and she kept on saying that she has never been touched by a man. It got to a point I said tell me your fast let me know it now so that later it wouldn't hurt my feelings and affect our relationship cos i know myself and i dont want to be disappointed, she actually swear that she has nothing to hide as a result of that i believed in her.

      We got married and after a year i discovered that she was all lying she had so many unholy relationships and even her guardian use to take her to hotels for some pleasure and they mate in a particular hotel a month to our wedding. Am so furious and bitter realizing that. I confronted her she resisted in the beginning then later on confessed after confirming glaring evidences. Am seriously comfused and psychologically touched. What are you going to say on this?
      I am uncomfortable with her
      I don't know how to trust her again?
      I hate her
      I started blaming her parents especially her mother for not taking good care of her despite knowing the attitude of the guardian she lived with for 2 years cos there was a similar episode some years back. Furthermore, Am blaming the father for not checking her excesses when i complaint the first time and allowing the mother taking control of the family affairs.
      I don't have respect for the girl neither her parents
      What should I do?

      • sorry i have to say its absoultely disgusting that you felt it was ok to interrogate a non mehram women about her virginity prior to marriage, that is haram and if it were me, i would have slapped your face so hard and had you thrown out the house,

        clearly you have no shame, so how can you complain about the shame and modesty of someone else?, seems like your a great match, so tierd of these muslim men and their disrespect for Islam and muslim women when it comes to virginity such hypocrites

        • "Ya Ayyuhal ladhina amanuw in Jaakum Fasikum Binabain Fatabayyanuw an tusibuw Kauman Bijihalatin fa tusibuw Ala ma Faaltum Nadimin". Someone came to say that he slept with her. Still i shouldn't discuss with her. You just concluded without understanding the issue. Subhanallah! Pls go through it again.

          • A common sense says if you have so many doubts don't get married at first place itself .Now you can't do any thing much .

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