How should I be a good wife to him and he a good husband to me?
Dear Islamic Answers,
Salams.
We have been dating for the last 3 years. We met at Uni, and have been together ever since. As he is nearing the end of his graduate degree and I my BSc, we feel it is time to be married. I am overjoyed, and yet I am so nervous. I have never met his family though some cousins know of me. I am meeting them in a few weeks though. My family, reform Jews, have met him and love him like a son. I should mention I am a convert and have been a Muslim for 2 years now.
I don't know what to expect from his family, they are Afghan Aussies, and I just don't what to do. I hope I am good enough, but what skill set should I have? How can I make them like me? I do not drink or smoke plus my family is good as they do not drink or smoke either. What should I expect in the marriage? He is Aussie while I am American, but ethnically he is middle eastern as his mom and dad were born in Afghanistan.
How does the marriage even work? What am I to say, and not say? What should I be expecting? Any books I can read? I guess I should add that I am the third among my friends getting married, and the first who is doing it with the blessing of families and friends. I just.. don't know what to do.
I should add that while we agree on many thing we disagree on khimaar. He would rather me not wear it, and so I feel that is good compromise given he is getting us engaged one year sooner than he would like. I also understand his logic as I am not the best Muslim, and would not want his family to have expectations of me.
Also, my family doesn't know I'm Muslim. My mother said I am to convert when I marry like she converted for my dad, so I figure I should tell my mother upon the nikkah. Just, how am I to tell his family? Must I tell them? I don't want them to think I should do all these things when I am not ready... I am shy and rather practice my religion in private.
Also, any advice from posters in same situation would be great.
Thanks -- <3 Rachel
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Asalam Alikum Sister,
I am also in the same situation as you. My boyfriend of 2 years and I want to get married to make our relationship halal but there are some very similar, awkward situations standing in the way of our intentions. He is Afghani and his parents are totally against the idea of his marrying an American girl, even if I am a convert Muslim and therefore we are both afraid for me to meet his parents. My parents are completely loving and accepting of him, but same as yours, they don't know I'm Muslim. I also like to have a private relationship with Allah (subhan huwa tallah).
It always seems that no matter how much I read up online about Afghan culture, there is always a doubt in my mind as to what I should really say when I meet his parents, or how well they would really treat me because they do not approve of American women. As you may know, this is a very important issue because Afghanis are extremely family oriented.
We thought about just going off and getting legally married before he brought me to his parents, but sympathetically that does not seem very kind to them; and it also might drive us farther from them because we did not ask them to be a part of our lives.
We have been looking for role models to see how we should really go about doing this marriage, but it is very hard to find a good one. His Afghani uncle married an American woman 35 years ago and they are still happily married, even though they live separately from the rest of the Afghan family because his wife is not Afghan and the rest of the family feel a little uncomfortable behind her back.
We both appreciated reading your story and hope to see some good advice follow up in the comments, In sha Allah.
Thanks,
Sharon
salam
iam afghan and living in australia
iam giving you advice that afghan parents are very strick and they wants from their daughter in law the most important thing is a good practicing muslim girl with a good personality. and by having respect for them is the second important thing and culture. and she should give a proud and good name to the family not by leaving the family whenever she wants to so family honour is very important.
Good luck girls
Assalaamualaikam
Marriage is a wonderful blessing, and I wish you good fortune for your new life. It's important to be aware of your and your husband's rights and responsibilities in marriage, so try to read as many reputable resources as you can, and discuss with each other what you would want and expect within the marriage.
As you may know, dating is haraam in Islam, so endeavour to maintain appropriate boundaries prior to your marriage and ask forgiveness for previous sins.
The issue of observing hijab is a personal decision, and if you feel ready to take that step that's wonderful - Alhamdulillah. We all have to answer for our own deeds, so I would suggest that if you feel ready, then go for it.
His parents will probably want to get to know you and reassure themselves that you will be a positive influence in their son's life. Honesty, modesty and maturity are very important to people, so ensure that your actions reflect your good character. We are advised to look for a spouse who is strong in their deen. Personally, I feel that strength is more that just knowledge-based, and that a true love of Allah and our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) and a desire to learn and develop our deen is essential. As such, his parents would probably appreciate knowing their son is marrying a Muslimah.
Until you are married, there are boundaries which should be observed, and I would strongly recommend observing these.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I am an American Christian married to an Egyptian Muslim. I was very nervous to meet his family because I was told they did not like Americans, thinking they lack respect. His father told him I was not even allowed in the house. After meeting me though, his family loves me... His father calls me daughter. All I am trying to say is think positive. Their son loves you, there is a good chance they will also. Good luck.