Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Husband Won’t Stop Haraam

"Lower your gaze" applies to men, too...

"Lower your gaze" applies to men too.

Asalaamalaikum brothers and sisters. May Allah bless you and guide you always in the right path Ameen.

If I may I'd like to briefly explain my past before I ask for help. I live in the UK, I was very young and naive and would do anything for my family. To please my parents I married my father's nephew, who is from abroad, but the marriage didn't work out because we found out he was very greedy in terms of my family's wealth, only wanted to fly over to my country, and he really wasn't good in character I could never even let him touch me so my chasity remained. He never came to my country I made sure of that, so I got divorced and lived happily with my parents, years later we were approached by family friends for a suitor was suggested, naturally I hesitated because of my past and because this man was also from abroad but again for my parent's happiness I got to know this man first, even did Istakhara and by Allah's guidance was convinced he was right for me so we married. There were other factors as well such as the man's father, and my father were childhood friends, the family live in the same village as my parent's, also before my engagement to my cousin this man's parents considered me for their son, but apparently my father's sister had gone round the whole village and threatened people not to ask for my hand. So with all this knowledge I felt that Allah kept him waiting for me and it was written for us. Alhumdulillah, all was well, his family are so nice I managed to call my husband over to my country, my love for him increased and we were happy, at least that's what I thought.

A lot of strange things happened as soon as I bought him a phone and got broadband installed in our home. He put a passcode on his phone and said this is only for security and I said why in front of me he gave some excuse that he needs privacy. So I ignored it and respected his wishes. Months later I read a message on his phone screen which said I love you and miss you so much, (any iphone user will know you can read a txt from the screen whether it's locked or not) I questioned him about this and he told me his male friends pretend to be girls and like to make a fool out of him. Thinking I am over reacting I believed him. By Allah's Grace I became pregnant few months later, and the love and affection got less and less, I thought about my pregnancy being the excuse but my husband usually would text me when I was at work even on late shifts, but they stopped. My brother even gave me a warning, he said to me "Make sure everything is in your name". My husband works in my family's catering business, and obviously meets different people everyday.

Of course my suspicion and worry grew more and more. 4 months into my pregnancy I stole a chance to check his phone and guessed the passcode. I found txts from girls, them wanting to marry him, and saying they miss him, photos of naked girls, inappropriate photos and photos of him posing with other girls. So it was as I had suspected, being in UK he could have any girl he wanted, but they were girls of our culture, supposedly Muslim (but who am I to judge). So my brother must have figured out that some of the customers were attracting my husband. I was heartbroken, and could not believe what I saw. Confronted him and he still would not admit it, then I said I saw proof, read every message that he had been cheating. He could not find words to say to me for what he had done. So he asked me to change his mobile number hoping that would help things. He ignored me for a few days because he said he wanted time to repent, I never got an apology out of him. So 2 weeks later things seemed fine he gave me full access to his phone and I thought he could be trusted. One night, someone messaged him on WhatsApp and sent him a photo of their lady parts. Heartbroken again, I had to confront him and he only then apologised and explained he had a relationship with a married woman for 6 years from his home country and Skype and WhatsApp was the only way to keep in touch, he told me she meant nothing to him, I could only conclude that he committed zina with this married woman, so she must have meant something to him for her to send naked photos and videos of herself. He gave the excuse that a mutual friend gave her my husband's new number. He said I'm willing to go if that's what you want, he added "I'm no good for you". We talked it out and I said I would rather die than have another divorce, even to save him from embarrassment I was willing to commit suicide so that if he wanted out of this marriage at least this way it is without shame, if he was truly unhappy with me, but he assured me I was not the problem. He promised me he would end it and never have anything to do with her again. Now he gave me his Skype password, full access to his phone, he also has a Facebook account which I helped to set up and know the password. Only another 2 weeks later I checked his Skype and his married ex girlfriend had added him with a male name, I knew because I answered her call and saw her face on video but could not speak, for I would not have anything respectful to say to her. I confronted my husband and he says he didn't know it was her, he admitted the second time I found out he wanted to keep in contact with her then, but had ended it. Now he doesn't want anything to do with her, but can't exactly stop her from contacting him, as she's likely to keep making male profiles and adding him again and again. I told him to stop her from doing this for our marriage's sake, my sanity's sake and for our unborn baby's sake. I had suicidal thoughts from my first marriage and would not have hesitated again. My husband has stopped me on two occasions, but I don't know if he was trying to save me or the baby.

I am now 8 months pregnant and now he is accepting naked photos of girls from this random guy who added him on Facebook. And in his messages he asks for more and "good" photos. I am struggling so much not to get stressed for my baby's sake, but I am not confronting him in the hopes he will tell this guy to stop. Or at least delete him.

I don't know how to handle this or what to do, I am tempted to just go back to my parents and not give my husband the reason, hoping he will come to terms on his own, or should I confront him again? Divorce is not an option. I really love my husband so much and have done everything for him and try to be a good wife by Allah's guidance, but he won't stop this haraam. I have given him a lot of chances...

Broken_Soul

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31 Responses »

  1. I send these messages every week and this was the one i chose for this week. انشالله i hope it helps u.

    In life, Allah does not give you the people you want, instead he gives you the people you need to teach you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you should be.
    Jumma Mubarak 🙂

    I am only 17 so im not experienced in this area. All i can ask is if ur husban prays his salaah, for salaah helps to abstain from sin. Lastly, i can assure you suicide is not the way out, Allah works in the most unorthodox ways and we have to believe that it is for the best. He is the all knowing andmost merciful!

    • MashAllah, for someone so young you have a lot of wisdom. My husband is not very practising, and even during Ramadan he misses prayers and misses days to fast, which I am thoroughly ashamed to admit, no matter how much I ask him with love, to please offer prayers and visit Masjid for Tarawee he says he will but does not.
      I can only ask him not force him, I remind him of the afterlife and how much I want to be with him then but only he can answer to Allah. I pray.and pray myself that he will someday start practising. Thank you for your wisdom.

      • As'salamu Alaiki sister,
        Quran is your solution. There was a man at the time of Umar ibn Al Khattab RA. And he said to this woman that he wanted to commit zina with her. She said that only if he prayed behind Umar ibn Al Khattab for 40 days then she'll let him commit zina with him.
        So the man prayed for 40 days and after 40 days she said to him .. Are you ready? Meaning to commit zina with her.
        The man started crying and said o Allah your mercy, protect me from this sin.

        And she said what happened to you!
        Salah protects us from sin and if Salah doesn't make us strong and prevent us from sins then there are two problems either the Salah is not sincerely fr Allah or its not sincerely a d properly done n accordance to the sunnah f Rasullulah Salla'Allshu Alaihi wa Sallam.
        Sister, make a lot of dua for him, if we repents and gives up this sin the it will be as of he never committed this sin ever!

  2. I don't think your husband is going to change. You can stop his facebook, Iphone etc, but he will find a way to continue.

    Why you want to kill yourself? Leave him and get him deported back to where he came from.

    • I am sure you hail from pakistan, because Believe me I have got immense experience with people from arabia, and west and subcontinent. If a person is muslim ; practicing then he will submit his will tomthe will of allah swt.

      Its in pakistsni men trait to ditch

      • Are you saying wife (OP) should let her husband do whatever he wants and accept it as will of Allah? What percentage of muslim men will give the same freedom to their wives?

      • Right you are we are Pakistani, I have a theory, maybe I'm totally wrong.

        From what I gather, Pakistanis from back home in general (not all) do far worse compared to Pakistanis who were raised in the West. The reason I say this, we in the West are exposed to sex and haraam all the time. Some MashAllah are strong enough to resist it, some may not. My point is, majority would at least admit whether they had a relationship, or had seen porn or whatever.
        However, those back home, it is not easily accessible, especially in villages, like no Internet, etc. My husband only had a mobile phone with basic functions like txting and calls. He didn't know about Facebook, WhatsApp and Skype til he met me. So I am thinking these village boys, if given the chance to do haraam with a female, would do it without a second thought. Especially those who do not practise praying. Now from what I've seen of his friends neither of them could admit their wrongdoings to their wives either.

        At least this is my observation. Correct me if I'm wrong.

  3. Salaams,

    The question you should consider asking yourself is: How many more chances are you willing to give him?

    I know you are even more reluctant to divorce when it's a second marriage. It's easier to say the first one was a mistake, but it's harder not to take a second divorce as a personal failure. Plus it makes one very skeptical if they even want to marry a third time, for fear of the same outcome.

    But contrast that against the fact that your husband is dishonest, sneaky, and hasn't changed over the course of years (as I understand it). The chances of him changing now are very low, and it doesn't seem like your multiple confrontations of what's already been caught have made any difference. If you do decide to remain married to him, the odds are high that the pattern of infidelity you've observed will only continue and get worse. This will cause additional stress on you as you are trying to raise the baby. It's not a good recipe, sister.

    If you are feeling inclined to leave and go home, then do it. Find whatever support you can in your family, and perhaps they can help you sort out what you want to ultimately choose over the coming months. Sometimes we get better clarity when we remove ourselves from the triggering situation, and find the strength to follow the right path that we didn't know we had before. I personally don't feel you should have to sit and suffer through watching him consort with other women while you're trying to prepare for the birth of your baby. That in itself is stressful enough.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. dear sister
    as your brother advised make sure all is in your name and then speak to your family
    keep in mind i speak from experience today you saw what your husband is doing tommorow your child will and your child may fall pray to his ways is this what you want stopped doing things for the sake of family your family are not marring this guy and they are not going to live with him YOU ARE DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED

  5. Assalamu alaykum sister im going to tell you a true storry! A friend of mine was brought up in a similar situation, where her dad was after other women, watching porn, talking through skype and all this kind of stuff. Her mum did know about all this but she still chose to stay with him because she didn't want a divorce. She grew up seeing all this porn and skype, videos ect on his computer.....

    Now she is married since 3years to a guy who is even worse than her own dad. He cheats, abuses her, watchs porn, talks to women on facebook ,skype and the list goes on, he even abuses her verbaly and also few times physically. Just like your husband he always promises to change but of course he never does, it only gets worse. My friends health is extreamly poor now because of all of this, on top of that she started smoking and stoped praying....Divorce is not an option for her as she grew up in a similar situation and thats all she knows. She hates herself, doesn't have any self confidence, she always says she is worth nothing. She even says she would like to be in HELL because she thinks it is better than living here!!!She knows very well about hell but still she wishes to be there!!!! She always says she will divorce but she never acts upon it nor will she ever, that's for sure! The worst part is that her husband wants a child now!!!!
    I feel sorry for the unborn child because he or she will have a father like him and witness all the things he does, so he or she will just end up like him!!! Please sister for the sake of your child leave this man. You don't want to ruin your childs life, by staying with your husband you will for sure ruin your childs life. He/she will need a practicing pious father, a rolemodel and not a pervert. You are responsible for your child sister please get your family's support and leave, this kind of men will never change.

    value yourself sister , you are more worth than that. Why would you want to kill yourself for such a person, or for any human being at all??? Be strong for the sake of your child and make loads of duas insh'Allah. Allah doesn't want you to suffer get out of this relationship. Get your family involved , insh'Allah they will understand and help you.

    • I am sorry for your friend going through a similar situation, the only difference I suppose is that my husband isn't abusive, my mother thinks he is emotionally abusive due to the fact he's never taken me out, or given me a decent gift on each birthday/anniversary, and doesn't really think to spend out of the blue on me compared to my dad etc.
      My husband only struck me once when he saw I was trying to contact his ex (the 2nd time I caught him), I was not in a sane frame of mind but he felt so bad not only because I was 5 months pregnant, but because I didn't deserve to be struck for a mistake that he made, he could not stop apologising that night.

      Why would I want to kill myself you ask? I don't want to disappoint my parents again. I had the full support of my mother during my first marriage, but my father valued his family more than me, when I wanted a divorce he did not speak to me for 18 months and it ached my heart. It took me 5 years to get a divorce because Shariah law had not passed the law of annulment for a couple who did not consumate their marriage etc. And my cousin was just so stubborn and determined to come to UK that badly. He got engaged again to some other UK girl before he even signed the divorce papers...I proved my point.
      If I got divorced again, I would not be able to live it down, all the people jealous of my family would just revel in my failure, I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I wouldn't purposely kill myself persay, just would have gone and done something reckless to risk my life.
      I have been praying for Allah to take me away during childbirth, but that wouldn't be fair to my child...

      I'm not having suicidal thoughts anymore just so you know.

  6. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    It was really painful reading your post. I am sorry that you are experiencing this pain and agony--it pained me as your words begged for a miracle. May Allah bestow on you His Mercy, Ameen.

    Sister, if you want to hear something to make you feel better, I may not be able to find those words. What I really want to convey in words is a solution that will take a lot of will power and much Du'a to Allah swt.

    I am worried because you are pregnant and in these times, you need so much support from your husband--no one else's help can compare. If only some husbands knew their power in making a woman feel secure, loved and fulfilled with gentle words and kind behaviour. Instead, your husband is running after his desires and is a slave to his nafs.

    I can't imagine how you are handling this, but I can suggest that crying and begging will not work. He is hooked on haram relationships like a drug addict would be on drugs. Logic isn't going to work. He has to see the consequences of his decisions. I am not going to suggest divorce because you said that isn't an option and I agree with you on that even if you had not said it. It doesn't mean you shouldn't consider it in the future, but yes, for now, I believe you are right.

    Just think, he had a relationship with a woman for 6 years & he says she has no meaning to her--it would almost be better if she did because it really means that in 6 years all that mattered to him was himself and that all that time spent with her had no meaning whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he should be interested in her, either way it is sad, but his outlook on relationships and women is extremely negative. I don't think he will change if you let everything slide and remain as is. I also don't think you should be emotionally weak in front of him either.

    I think you should go home and deliver your child in the comfort of your family home with your loved ones. I think you should put your child above everything right now and make it the priority to love your child and enjoy this time. Be strong and take care of your child. I suggest that, under the circumstances you have described, that you leave and later you can tell him that it is unacceptable to you to have to live in those conditions. Tell him, when he is ready to grow up, stop being a slave to his desires and ready to start a real marriage, then and only then the both of you can begin to talk about how that can happen. Building trust is like erecting a building, it takes a long time, but it only takes one moment to bring that building to the ground--how will he propose to iron out all the issues is something he needs to think long and hard on--and he must be ready to face your father and speak to him, man to man.

    If you have the support of your family, I wouldn't suggest that you bear this pain on your own. Ask your family to help you. Cry in front of Allah and ask Him for guidance. Ask Allah to ease your pain and allow you to see the lesson to be learnt in this trying time. I pray for your well-being and for Allah to increase your joys during the birth of your child and I pray that Allah helps you to triumph over the difficulties that you face, Ameen, Thummah Ameen.

    • Asalaamalaikum sister,

      Thank you for your reply, your prayers and such kind words, none I feel I deserve, but only Allah Knows best. I pray Allah Grants your every dua and takes away your difficulties Ameen.

      I often blamed myself for my husband's actions, reason being that I was very passionate with him with our time together. I would make an effort in intimacy, like dressing up in lingerie, and doing certain things with him, just making our time pleasurable. I never ever refused him, even if I wasn't in the mood.
      I totally understood why marriage is essential, in order to stop haraam relationships. But I felt that I promoted them because why would he do this otherwise? Was I doing wrong to please him?
      This woman he was with, he told me the whole story, not that I need to get into details but the bottom line is, her husband works away and she manages to manipulate men. I saw one of her recorded videos on Skype and I know someone was recording her, my husband doesn't believe me but being more techie than him and more observant in terms of media I know what I saw. I said you really want to go to Hell for a b**** like her? Sorry for my language, I am not in the habit of swearing unless I'm very very very upset and angry. He couldn't stop admitting how bad he felt because I did nothing wrong. He says I am such a good and supportive wife to him, and he told me he knows there is no one like me who could give him more happiness. He said he loves me a lot. I'm sure he talks about me to his friends and they talk about their wives, and when I went abroad to marry him he told me how his friends commented how lucky he was to have a decent wife especially from the UK. So does that mean their perspective of women raised in the West is indecent? I hope I changed their perspective.

      I guess, what's keeping me from breaking down is knowing there's a human being in me who depends on me. Even if I do feel more weepy I try to blame it on hormones. Also, I keep thinking Allah Himself is forgiving then who am I not to forgive my husband for his actions? I offered to get him help if this is a psychological issue, especially if I have not become the reason. He said he was capable of stopping.

      As I awaited for my post to be published I have to admit he has been a lot better. He eventually said to his facebook friend that he's going to be a father and he wanted to stop with the photos, he also told me a girl messaged him and wanted to befriend him, he blocked her and never sent a reply. I do check his Facebook now and then and knew about the girl, was pleased that he told me himself. I think he has realised his ways and wants to change. Alhumdulillah. Also before we got engaged he remembered something I told him once. I believe if there are any problems between husband and wife, I don't like to involve anyone else, I solemnly believed there was nothing that can't be solved by two people first. He really liked this way of thinking.

      I am now on maternity leave and he calls from work to ask how I am everyday, he's made a lot of promises after our baby's born, like he wants to relive our wedding day/night, and go for a proper honeymoon (3 days in Dubai in his eyes didn't count). We had our Nikkah in May 2011 but did not live together until Dec 2012 onwards. So near enough 2 years isn't long for a marriage. I am awaiting these promises. I am hoping and praying everything goes well with my birth, I have 2 and a half weeks to go. I managed to convince my husband to be my birthing partner, which he was very reluctant before, but not now.

      I just hope and pray anyone in my situation keeps their faith in Allah as I have, and find enough love in their hearts to forgive their spouses.

      • Assalam alaikum Sister,

        May your soul begin healing, inn shaa Allah.

        Sister, you are not to blame and I would say that you attempts at being available for your husband should have have deterred him from his behaviour if anything--as opposed to provoke him to have extra-marital affairs. Do not blame yourself at all--this isn't healthy. Acknowledge that you are just a human with limited abilities and not in control of all things--therefore, you take care of what is in your ability and do not blame yourself for circumstances beyond your control. Do not own his sins--he owns them and is responsible for his own actions.

        I wouldn't concern yourself much on discussion about women in the West and East. Some people have strange stereotypes of the world, and they go both ways--it is really a waste of time. We are individuals and when we stand before Allah swt, He will judge us on our actions, our character, our individuality--things we have control over, not on where we were born.

        It is normal to be emotional during pregnancy--you will feel all sorts of different emotions and feelings including the joy of expecting your precious baby. May Allah protect you and your baby, Ameen.

        It is good to hear that things are better and I hope that they continue to be. Try to spend time with your husband and read the Quran together--including the meaning of it. This will be very important while you are expecting and for your husband too--Read a little everyday and inn shaa Allah, you will experience even better times.

      • Salam. After reading ur post so happy.may allah help.me too and help all.the helpless sisters.... May allah ease my pain.and help me.in.this crucial time

  7. Selam Alejkum!

    Unlike other religions, Islam gives you the right of divorce. I am 22 years old and I married to a muslim woman 27 years old who is divorced and has a 5 years old son. She has almost the same history as yours, but for one muslim the past doesn't matter but the soul. I think there are only two options: if you love him and accept all those things, or divorce him as Good allowed, and what is written will be implemented. My wife had to go through the divorce and all those suffering, so the life leaded her to me, and now we live happily and in harmony.

    I will pray for you sister that Allah will help you find the best solution and help him change nomatter if you are with him or not.
    Selam Alejkum!

  8. Dear Sister ,

    You should not tolerate this further .Give a warning to your husband that if he don't change you are going to take a action .

    Just for the sake of marriage don't tolerate this . He seems to be spoiling the whole environment and making ways for HELL fire . A second divorce is better(your decision)) than spending life with such a person who will spoil the home environment .

    Allah haffiz

  9. Dear Sister,

    Your problem is very similar to mine except, I am mother of three, Alhamdulillah. I really wish I had a solution for you, but unfortunately, I don't because I am still combatting my problem. I really want to help you sister, so I will tell you how I am still managing to breathe:

    I have decided that I won't think about how much I love my husband, rather I tell myself: I am with this man for the sake of my sons so my sacrifice and compromise are all for my sons not for him. This thought helps me control my anger and frustration

    I don't spy on him anymore because that only leads to more heartache. Rather I recite verse 30 of Sura Nisaa

    I recite Ya Muntaqimu 1000 times after Isha and Ya Wadudu 1000 times all day.

    I try my level best to overlook his sins and perform my duties as a true Muslim wife.Trust me it is like Jihad against my soul but I tell myself that Allah will surely reward me, if not in this life then the afterlife InshAllah..so I am doing all this for my Allah.

    Hope Allah resolves your problem soon sister.

    Love
    Another Broken soul

    • "Another broken soul", your solution (to stay and suffer) is not viable over the long term. It will lead you to despair and misery. No one should remain in an oppressive situation for any longer than they have to. Find a way out.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael,

        respectfully, what do you know about this persons life? Usually I ignore the uneducated provocations to women in this position, but you are an editor on this website and have a position of power in that people may view your opinion as professional or islamic advice. dont you know divorce is the most disliked halal thing? dont you understand how many women make the difficult, noble, and above all, correct decision to stay 'for their children' because they would find themselves in a series of problems greater than the ones they face with the donkeys of men that pollute the earth today? Shaitans plan with these online abilities was always, from the beginning, to break up the family unit of humans. divide and conquer. Allah calls us to be patient for our problems, not to spy, not to suspect, to give every muslim 70 excuses, to forgive if we want to be forgiven, to respect our husbands under ANY circumstances, and at the same time PROMISED us that he places a special 'love and mercy' between the hearts of husbands and wives. So instead of telling people to give up and leave and risk a celebate life with a broken family, perhaps financial difficulty, and completely killing their life plans, goals, and most of all hope, why dont you take the real islamic route, and suggest patients, and tell these fine women who are doing the TRUE jihad to be persistent in their dua and hope. May Allah make this difficulty easy for us and strengthen us.

        Sarah

        • What I know of her life is what she has shared, which is that she is with a cheater, presumably an adulterer. You are correct that divorce is the most disliked halal thing. Note the word "HALAL." Why is it halal? Think about that and answer intelligently before you rant about how women should respect their husbands "under ANY circumstances" - which, by the way, please show me where Allah says any such thing?

          I am not the one killing women's hope. It is their adulterous husbands, or the wife-beaters, or the alcoholics and drug addicts. It's one thing to be patient with a husband who is imperfect like all human beings, who has flaws but is still decent at heart. It's another thing entirely to remain with a man who is corrupt, destructive or dangerous. You are not helping women by telling them to stay and suffer in silence. For goodness sakes, the OP considered suicide! In what world is that a better solution than divorce. These women are living in situations that engender despair and thoughts of death, and you are talking about finances and life plans.

          If you have made the choice to stay with a cheating husband, that's your business. But don't try to force your choice on other women.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Thank you, Wael, for your intelligent response to this back-warded idiot. Along with the men that abuse and mistreat their wives and children, women like Sarah that teach their daughters, sisters, mothers, friends and other women in general to remain in abusive relationships and tolerate mistreatment from their husband is all that is wrong with this world.

            Also, Sarah, there's nothing "noble" or "correct" about women being too weak and selfish to leave abusive husbands...women that force their innocent children to grow up seeing their own father abuse and mistreat their mother! And perhaps / often even grow up being abused and mistreated themselves. It's flat out child abuse! On what planet is child abuse noble or correct?!

            I sincerely hope you don't have children. God knows what you'd allow them to be subjected to.

          • My goodness there's no need to call names. And yes, under any circumstances, the husband should be respected. Do you think our beloved Prophet saw intended for the woman to disrespect the man if he erred when he said that after Allah, the husband would be the most deserving of her sujood? Are you trying to say that there is a circumstance where the husband, or the wife for that matter, loses their right to respect? No. Forbearance and concealing one anothers sins is the attitude we are taught in islam. I understand what you mean about divorce being a halal option for a reason, and I never disputed that there are certain circumstances where it is appropriate, or why else would Allah SWT allow it! However, your immediate and outright conclusion that any cheating spouse should be given up on. I am here to say that entertaining suicide (idiotic and rarely chosen by true muslims who know its punishment) and other unfavorable reactions are nearly natural when people lives get turned upside down by infidelity and of course this is the biggest test known to women. Isnt there hadith that indicates jealousy is for women, and jihad for men? This tolerance and hope for reform for the sake of a family, the base unit of our Ummah is no less noble or correct than the jihad of the man to protect his religion and people. Allah chose every man and woman at the beginning of creation and placed love and mercy in their hearts. Perhaps if we were all to follow the sunnah of our Prophet and not spy or suspect or look after our spouses in the first place, or following discoveries, have mercy and feel sorry for those who are lower than us and make dua for a better situation, perhaps people would not be driven to the extremes that ruin an entire family at a time like the shaitan is calling for. The shaitan who separates the man and the wife is loved by iblis for the perfect victory against the muslims. Why dont we fight ourselves and fight shaitan and bring our families to jannah inshallah with good manners and concerning ourselves with our own sins! We have 2 enemies to our success in this life: ourselves and shaitan. and i do believe this problem is perhaps the hardest task a human can face other than losing a child. but this life is a jannah for the kafir, and a prison for the believers. Inna allaha ma sabireen. Inna maal usri yusra

        • Wael,

          how can you possibly think you are right here. Did you see what you wrote,

          "Another broken soul", your solution (to stay and suffer) is not viable over the long term. It will lead you to despair and misery." - Wael editor of islamicanswers.com

          How do you claim to know the unseen???
          you have advised a woman to break up her marriage from a conceivable position of islamic authority on the basis of a few sentences and invalidated her enormous efforts to be patient as we are enjoined to do!!!

          It is her right to divorce whenever she has had enough, but may Allah strengthen her and let her reach good in this life and in the hereafter for her inspirational execution of forbearance. Jannah is the final reward, and that is why it will always be viable in the long term to be patient for your problems.

          Its just basic, any problem a muslim has, they are in good because they can be patient for it, and at the same time they can affect the problem with the most powerful weapon of the believer: dua. I understand more than anyone that your intention was to be supportive of women like these, but islamically, if you are not first calling for patience and adherance to sunnah before divorce then your efforts will work against the cause of Ummah, which is to raise a generation of muslims who follow the teachings of islam.

          Hadith tells us, if we respond to the bad word with good, the enemy will become like a bosom friend. Hadith tells us, the more we become humble, the higher Allah takes us in rank. Hadith tells us, the man assured Jannah had a habit of forgiving everyone at the end of each day, and so we should forgive if we want to be forgiven. The strongest receive the more difficult tests, yes, it is hard to overlook such a thing, but the result of doing so often ends in a beautiful intimate relationship and I have heard men admit that their wives were more than they deserved; mutual respect can only grow in an environment of acceptance, and positive influence can only happen with an environment of respect. Nobody ever said infidelity is pretty but by accepting the faults of others we gain their respect and inshallah can effect on them and get what we want. This is the incredible, noble, aim of "Another broken soul" I believe and I pray people of her wisdom are successful.

          All that being said, there are plenty of cases where divorce is the best and most practical option for many reasons. I, from the start, was neither for or against. If you look back, I only thought it necessary to provide the whole picture when I saw that you took a one-sided approach to a very multifaceted problem that is extremely common and important today. Perhaps the most important one.

          • My final dig at you, Wael, my brother, because it must not be overlooked. I do have children, in fact, and I believe nearly every married couple at some point at least hypothetically considers divorce. I feel very upset really, that you have taken such a useful website and such a sensitive topic, and given negative advice from a position where so many people might use your opinion. There is an islamic ruling for divorce that the children of the wife are under the fathers custody if they are young boys over a certain age or if the woman gets married again. For many women, you must understand, this makes divorce almost a no go zone, particularly if the husband is likely to make it difficult for the woman to see the children. Its a matter close to my heart because I know that if anything were to separate me and my kids, I may cry until I were blind and would never forgive myself for the role I played. I do believe you underestimate the role of a mothers love in all of this because NOT MANY women would have the desire to be patient for a cheater indefinitely... in fact, probably most of the cases of women toughing it out are taking into account the well being of their children,

            Muslim women with children have three options:
            1. Divorce cheating husband and risk losing custody at a certain age if they live in a muslim country, as well as prioritize their emotions over their children having a whole family (sometimes necessary because of other circumstances)

            2. Try to change their husbands directly by preaching, arguments, shaming, badgering, withdrawing, or other negative behaviors which simply do not work.

            3. Follow the quran and sunnah and lead the family by positive influence, i.e. focus on halal matters, respect and extra attention to what might be missing, but an overall trust and resignment to the will of Allah and acceptance of our tests and destiny. A wife has nothing to do with her husbands sins except advise. Most satisfyingly what happens when respect is restored through acceptance and forbearance, is that open communication becomes possible again, and often the renewed respect acts like a spark in the relationship, launching it to heights it may have fallen short of if not for the problem. Allah tests us to improve us, not to destroy us. Western media has been hard at work for decades to make peoples' expectations of marriage impossible to fulfill and at the same time seem totally guaranteed. We are surrounded by lies and must return to the sunnah of our messenger saw to solve our greatest problems.

            So, rather like martyrs, these patient women do sacrifice some of their emotional well being, hoping for the smooth respectful life that facilitates the well being of their children and often, ultimately never giving up on true love.

          • "How do you claim to know the unseen???"

            Sister Sarah, I do not know the unseen. What I do know is human behavior and family dynamics. I have been running this website since 1998. In that time we have published and answered 8,000 questions, alhamdulillah. Notice that number. Not eight hundred. Eight thousand. Questions from women whose spouses are cheating (and occasionally men with cheating wives) are one of the most common. I have seen this over and over at all stages of evolution:

            1.In the beginning, the woman cannot believe this is happening to her but imagines (as you do) that she can change her husband by being patient, loving him more, respecting him, meeting his needs, etc.

            2. A few years down the road. The husband's adulterous behavior has continued, with the same woman or different women. Because the wife is now constantly suspicious, the husband tries to hide his affairs by locking his phone, lying, etc. But the wife always finds out. At this stage she is furious and fed up with the husband's dishonesty and infidelity. She wants to leave him, but the people around her (usually family) pressure her to stay. They tell her to be patient, don't shame the family, etc, or as you said to "martyr" themselves.

            3. Ten years or more later. The couple has become completely estranged. They live under the same roof but don't talk. Because the wife has submitted to this corruption for years, the husband has realized he can do anything without consequences. His cheating is now done openly. If the wife dares to object, he beats her or threatens to kick her out and leave her penniless. She is a hollow wreck of a human being, full of despair, and contemplating suicide. In some cases the husband has given her a sexually transmitted disease. The family dynamic is toxic, often with the children acting out, sometimes with the children abusing their mother as well, or sometimes hating their father. Sometimes the woman - desperate for love - has been seduced by another man and is having an affair of her own.

            These are not scenarios I invented. They are real situations posted here by women over the years, again and again. I realize that your intentions are good Sarah, but your advice to women to martyr themselves is deeply harmful psychologically and spiritually. All your talk of patience and forbearance is good in theory, but patience and forbearance must exist within an environment of mutual respect. Mutual is the key word here. To answer your other question, yes, respect can be forfeited and lost. It is not automatic.

            There must be lines that cannot be crossed, otherwise marriage becomes a farce and a torment. Divorce is allowed for a reason. If adultery is not a valid reason, then what is? I counsel women that there are four deal-breakers that invalidate the respect, trust and compassion that a marriage is founded on, and should not be accepted by anyone: adultery, violence, alcohol/drug addiction and abandonment of Islam. I believe firmly that this is the right approach emotionally and spiritually.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Aoa sister i was keen to know how you were doing . i hope everything is working out for you.

  11. Salams,

    [Please submit your question as a new post for publication, rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  12. As salaamu alaikum, I don't know if you'll see this. But basically I'm sort of the opposite to you. I'm a Pakistani boy from the UK. The girl is from back home and is family. Cousin. Basically, I was wondering if you could advise me. The girl does a lot of haraam. And there's no way for me to not marry her. What do I do if she decides to influence me badly. How much or can I not force her to leave the music outside of the house? Things like that. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly what you mean. I'm 20 now. But I have been through quite a lot. It's really sad. How are you now? Is everything okay with you? Jazak Allah khair.

  13. Ok dude i dont know if you disallowed me to reply or..
    anyway congratulations on your 8000 questions but it would be more impressive if you answered the people with more than just your opinion. Yes its totally true that this is the consistent results of wives who choose to stay with cheating husbands but refuse to take the good path.

    of course we mentioned many times before that Allah gave the woman the ability to file for divorce as long as she had a real reason, and hadith tells us these reasons can be very small, such as being incompatible in personality. However, if the woman decides to put up with any problems that arise during the marital relationship, she must continue to follow the rules of islam regarding her rights and duties. That means, if she catches her husband cheating, she has two choices: leave, and deal with the consequences that come with that, or stay, and try to make it work in an islamic way. If she decides to stay and try and change the guy by treating him badly, shes going to end up like these women you describe. Men that beat their wives at random and with no warning are fewer than you and your team would like people to think. Rather, if we can be honest about the situation, we can see that these hurt and despairing women probably lash out in ways that would ashame the wives of Sahaaba and the mothers of believers, who all dealt respectfully with their cowives and husband through the same jealousy and heartbreak. If you have already suggested that men lose their right to respect after they have cheated, what about these women you speak of who have started up their own affairs in response to their husbands infidelity. Are they without blame? Their failing against their own tests have no meaning in all this conversation?

    Look, Allah already gave us the answers. Everyone is in a test, and everyone is mistaken. If we want to give up on people, thats an easy shortcut, but you will find a need for patience another day, and the road to Jannah is long, while the shaitan calls for the short easy way. if you keep having the same cycle over and over, where you catch your husband falling down, and you behave in an awful way in an attempt to change, and it doesnt work, why dont you just try the good route once and for all. Theres kafir women who manage it without the wisdom given to us through islam.

    Again, speak a good word to your enemy and they will become like a bosom friend to you. Forgive if you want to be forgiven. Cover each others sins. Dont spy and suspect. Worry about your own sins. Create an islamic environment and advise from the side of the right. No matter how strong the wrong side seems, the right will always be right. It works, take it from me. With hardship comes ease, and to take an approach of one sided doom and gloom, that these women must get out, give up, because they are doomed to a life of misery, like you said? How do you know that she couldnt succeed with the beautiful behavior of a wife advocated by our sunnah, behavior that would raise her up in the eyes of her husband, and in the eyes of Allah. Discounting that option is working against our Ummah, especially since internet and mobile phones mean nearly every man will be exposed to the temptation. Its the wifes job to be patient and help from a good side. Is there any other way to fight this problem? or just hope that they can find a perfect man, never afflicted by the test of women.

    stand down man, there is another way. dont take that choice away from your advises.

  14. As salam alykum
    It hurts a lot when we do not get what we give.don't know what these people think about Islam life here after. May Allah SWT give all such person good hidhyat.

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