I am not loved by my husband
Assalamualikkum wa rahmathullah......
I sincerely wish to get a supporting response to my worry. I am married for about 8 years.
I dont´ know,... from the very first day of my married life my husband showed some kind of dislike towards me. His dislikes was shown only in front of me not in front of others. Everyone thought, we made a good couple, but the bitterness of our marriage was known by me only. He don´t know how to express his love to me in any means. It´s not only a matter of expressing....he doesn´t fulfill any of my needs.....sexually too, he is not very interested..he does intercourse only to get baby, otherwise we are idle strangers in our bedroom. We don´t have any personal talks till today....he doesn´t show any interest in me as all husbands have for their wives. He never want to spend any time with me except at night, that too, might be for fear of his family members.
I am completely disappointed from the begining of my marriage. As this is a very personal matter I cannot disclose it to anyone...but after a year, he´s working abroad, when he was back I could find no change in him...thus my relatives esp.my parents came to know some of the issues, but me as a loyal wife loved him for husband and never wanted to hurt him. After that, I asked him many times about his problem or if he got any problem with me?but he never gave me a chance to such questions because he gets angry.....because I don´t want to fight with him I always surrender.
Now, a doubt has come up to me that if he´s gay...he´s mostly with his friends.....he spent most of his time in a day with his friends than me. He never said anything openly to me.....when I talk about our relationship, he ends up saying that he can do only this much .....as I am influenced by movies and all...I ask from him more.....but I am sure I am not influenced. When a husband never kisses his wife, when he never touches her, than at the time of intercourse....what will a wife feel??? is all this desires she wants is what she got from movie or t.v??or is there any problem with my husband.... now my love to him is reducing and am wanting to get a escape from him...but i have a son of 5 years thtas what matters to me. If he keeps on this kind of behaviour with me...I am not sure how long I can go along with him. Is my decision wrong??or is there any ways that I can overcome this situation in my life?
He never cares for my satisfation but he keeps his duty as a husband, caring about me and my son by giving us money and what we need. I only have this complain, he is a human....but i can´t digest him as a husband. Is my thought about him true??can you suggest me any solution that I can save my family life or save myself and my son out of this.
Assalamualikkum.
chins
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Walaykum as salam, my beloved sister chins,
I am really sorry to know about how much suffering and struggles you have been carrying for the last years, heavy weight in your Heart, I do acknowledge all the rejection and emotional damaged you have suffered.
After so many years of being deprived of your right of being loved, touched, kissed, hugged,... I understand you have got to your limit and I see that beyond everything you are an excellent human being and beyond even that you are a mother, I understand by your words that you will be even able to sacrifice your own life and your right to be loved to mantain your family together and keep your son safe from any damage, it is a blessing to know someone like you, Alhamdulillah.
I don´t think he is gay, there are some men that just hung out with men and don´t have the need to be with a woman and when they relate to a woman to have sex, they just satisfy their needs and that is all, your husband is this kind of men, I think he cares about his son and you, and he feels sure of you, you belong to him, but he is the way he is, this kind of behaviour is so stablished that he is not going to change, you can adapt yourself understanding he is the way he is, that he is faithful to you and he loves you in his own way, and mantain the family, insha´Allah.
He is not going to change, but you can change your way of looking to the situation, you can accept him and have your own life, trying to fulfill your emotional needs with family, your son, close friends, you can join a sisters group in your masjid, care of the one that have needs, you have a lot to give and to share, you have lots of love to share, Alhamdulillah.
I know this is a tough advice, but I see your Heart and your suffering, and right now you are entering a dangerous path where you have weird feelings towards your husband, with all your reason, but being you, I would stop myself and I would heal the wounds being with him, the process can take two directions, one where you can feel a complete indeference towards him and just move on or other one where you will learn to love him as he is and this unconditional love will guide you to move on, insha´Allah.
I am not saying you which means exactly to move on, you will know it at the right time, you know that to make the right decisions you have to increase your iman and strength your connection to Allah(swt), insha´Allah.
In your case, I believe you pray your five salat, make dua, specially when you feel weak or down, your bond to Allah(swt) will guide you to the right steps, stronger is the bond, stronger will be the security you will have in every movement you take,insha´Allah.
Recite the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes with your son, I am sure he will love to learn one every day or every two days, that will be good for both of you, I believe you have a beautiful voice, recite the Quran for your son, practice it, that will bring Peace and Comfort to both of you, if you can do it the first time, practice makes perfection, then give it a try, when you recite the Quran will be a very special moment of the day, and with time you will look for the moment to do it, insha´Allah. And when you are used to do it, you can share it with your family, insha´Allah, you can make a change in many people´s life doing this, insha´Allah.
Sister Chins, you have so many qualities, if you want and if Allah(swt) allows it, you can be the Light where many will look to go back to the Straight Path, insha´Allah.
Please if you need me to go deeper in your situation, just let me know, I will try to help you as much as Allah(swt) allows me, insha´Allah.
Thank you very much for sharing, for listening to me and for giving us the opportunity to be with you in this important time of your Life.
Barak Allah Feekum
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualikkum sister Maria,
You have wonderfully evaluated my case n given me valuable advices which i would love to follow.But i would like to share with u few more things abt my marraige. can i mail u personally?
Walaykum as salam, my beloved Sister Chins,
Sure, I will email you, insha´Allah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank u so much sister Maria..... You have given me a quick reply .thankz for that too.I will b waiting your email.Inshaallah!!!
It is done, thanks to you for your appreciation, my beloved sister.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam...thank you soooo much because I am going trough the same thing. I don't think my husband is gay I just think he loves his family more than me. He loves our girls but I think he just likes me as a friend and Wallah I don't know what to do. I told my older sister that I'm falling out in love with my husband, she told me don't because its hard. I really don't know what to do. I just want a hug or a kiss from my husband without me telling him. I want to live like all the other happy women. He laughs with his sisters jokes with his sisters but with me HE IS ALWAYS TIRED..I'm so sick of it, if he can joke with his sisters he can joke with me. If he can spend time with them he can do the same with me. I'm sorry I'm writing alot. If I keep writing I'm not going to stop.I have so much in my heart. Please help
munch, please log in and write your question as a separate post, so we can answer you properly Insha'Allah.
I also want to point out that I have deleted two comments that you left for other people because your comments were harsh and unkind. If you want help, maybe you can start by showing some kindness to others.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sorry if i was harsh, but at the same time I might of just been mad. I just want help like everyone else does
Sorry to interrupt this post.
My post 'if I am pregnant he wants me to get an abortion' was closed down due to so many comments. So I was wondering can you put me in touch with the sisters that helped me?
your post has given me hope that i am not alone in this situation.
Assalamualikkum rukshanda my dear sister,
u r not alone in this world......!!! Before i came to this blog i too felt the same tht am the one suffering so hard....but no.....after reading so many posts here i was really astonished to find so many similar cases discussed here. So lets all pray together that those who face different problems in their life may get the right guidance from Allah swt and to lead us towards the right path.
Asalaamualykum,
it feels really good to know that I am not the only one going through these situations... My husband actually yells at me in the meanest way possible. He threatens to divorce me and find someone better. We have been married five years and it's the same and things are starting to get worse... I am falling out of love with him. I quietly cry myself to sleep. Reading all the comments makes me upset to know that its happening a lot and it is in most cases the women that get blamed for everything. He has even hit me a few times like twisted my arms or grabbed it where it became bright red. Of course society frowns upon women speaking publicly like this but there comes a limit to certain things.
May Allah Bless you all.
assalamualaikum sister
I hope you are well. i think you are a very patient person that you have spent these many years without the love from your husband and Allah is indeed with those who are patient. Dua to Allah, cry in front of Him...Tell Him everything though He knows your situation already....HIs help is the best help ever..inshAllah
I dont think he is gay either but I think he doesnt feel any emotional ties with you. Can you try finding out how he is like with his friends, what sort of topics he speaks to them..what his interests are...how he is like with other family members...the amount of time he can give to his friends i think he is a loving person but he doesnt have love for you for some reasons. He may have wanted to get married somewhere else and married you for family's sake and now he is proving a point to his family that he has no bond with you......he may have another wife outside and he is very happy with her. it can be anything if we start exploring diffent avenues.....you need to explore him more, personality wise and circumstances wise..that what was going on in his life before you were there....you can speak to his close family like mum but not directly otherwise they can say about you that you are talking your private life with others.
You are not influenced by films at all. Its your basic right to receive love from your husband. Try to bring him towards Islam and try making him see that how he is sinning. Islam has given your rights to you and you are not asking what Allah has not forbidden. If your family are knowing about this then its positive. I think its about time that one male member from your family have a word with him. You have concealed and respected his privacy but he is the one who has taken it to this stage.
There is definitely a reason behind all this behaviour. Either he is naturally slow and dont not like sex and lovey dovey stuff but its highly unlikely. If he is medically like that you should ve been able to tell by now..plus he gets angry when you mention this it means there is something he is hiding..
Try making friends with him, make him things he likes, ask him to take you out in front of his family so he feel dutiful to take you out. If nothing works in the a year or so then best is that you talk to your family openly. You dont deserve this..never
Assalamualikkum Ash
I really appreciate the way u analysed my case....the possibilities u said r my doubts too. But so far i didnt get any solid evidence proving that he has other woman in his life or so.The reason am not able to explore him more is that he is working abroad, visits us only for 2 months in 2 years. In that short period am experiencing all these issues with him. Am sure he enjoys with his friends and ofcourse he is happy with his family members too.....i feel he too just take me as a member of his house than considering me as his wife.I have openely discussed many times about my problems with him....but he never gives hear to it.....or else he would say he will try his maximum...but am sure he never tries. Inorder to get a kiss from him i need to take initiative or ask him.....rest all the same.whnver i tell him to know abt it either from any friends or so....he says we r not talkng such topics like u people. Yes my family knows abt my prblm. thay r cooperative with me in all way. but as a last resort i need to try out the advices which u all got to give me.Ofcourse am worried abt my son.....but i feel rather than he seeing the distance between parents under one roof..it will b good if we r under different.Atleast he neednt see any argument among us.....he is growing surely he will come to know our prblm once he reach tht stage.
As u said i too doubt if he is hiding anything from me? but i got no way to look in to that as he never open up his heart.
Allah is the only one who can help me out...am praying to show me the right path.Inshallah!!!
Sister Chins
You only see your husband 2 months in two years! This is not the way to live a married life. You should incourage him to live with you or maybe you should go stay with him.
Rumaysa
Slama chins
Wow how can you live like that. To see your husband only 2 months in 2 years. God be with you. Your living a life that women 50 years ago would live not in 2011 try to let him change his job,you live by him. Most men when they have family members they don't care to have their wives by them and that hurts. My husband as long as he has his family hes okay, he can care less about me. 🙂
Sorry to hear about the situation with your husband, but I do not think this is true for most men.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Waalaikum salam sister
It is realy very hard for you to find out if he is abroad. Sister you cant live your life like this forever. Even reading about is painful. We have men members in our family too who live abroad. Trust me they cant wait to come home and spend their time with the wives. Ask your hubby and his family that you want to go where he works, I am sure your in laws can see this too. You are not someone for his family that you stay with them and look after them when they grow old.
I dont think he makes nice calls to you from there saying that he misses you. Gay or not gay he is useless to you. You probably should stay at your parents house and let your parents talk for you.
Assalaamu'alaikum Wa Rahmatoullaahi Wa Barakaatuh
Sisi...ur case seem to be complex but yet simple...Sisi their are many cases worst than u going through...believe me...wat u r facing now is just half of wat others r facing. Yea i do feel sad abt u sisi...specially things zat should have hapen in between u n ur husband but Sisi...8 years...Wow...n u think now zat ur relation is at stake...be gratefull to ur Rabb Sisi...it could have been worst.
Sisi...one thing i wana tell u...do u think zat all these times....8 years...do u think all this was patience...
Nah its not...patience in Islam is at the time u cant hold....actually nowadays when people say that he/she has cross the limit...or i cant hold it anymore...zats the time to be patient...so be patient Sisi n one more thing Sisi...Allah Ta'ala will rewards u alot for that...dont think all this is wasted... and Sisi life is short...believe coz nowadays everything think abt wat to do tomorrow...but is there tomorrow...no1 knows except Allah Ta'ala..
Dont be Angry wiz me Sisi...but ull be in my Du'a for sure...
Insha-Allah Allah Azza Wajal makes ur Husband a real man...(im not talking abt the gay thing oki...this doesnt exist all these stuff...gay...homo....lesb...so on...dont wana tok abt it)
Real man i mean be kind to ya...n all intimacy stuff...hehe
Enjoy ur life n face ze test of Allah Ta'ala...oki Sisi
Take Care n insha-Allah ull be good...ask advice from scholars...oki
Ma'salaama
This reply is unbelievable- you cannot and do not have the right to tell someone that they should be grateful that they are not more miserable!! Agreed everyone has problems but that does not mean we look at someone in a more diffcult situation and feel that it is ok and could have been worse. If you are offering advice -make sure it is constructive not judgemental and defeatist.
Even Allah wouldnt want his people to revel in their own misery and the misery of others- what sort of Islam are people here following?? BTW just because you dont approve of gays doesnt mean that no one else can believe or acknowledge that they exist - you seem to live a frog in the well existence and think it is ok to offer your limited warped views to people.
Intimacy cannot happen or be forced because two people are married to each other - it must be as a result of affection, bonding and a genuine desire to please. Neither partner has the right to force their way just because they are married - this is no less than rape. Just because you sign a piece of paper saying you are man and wife does not mean that it is acceptable to do anything against the will of the other person.
Wow it's depressing to hear these stories. Im sure his sexual needs are being satisfied elsewhere; his emotional detachment sounds like he is/was in love with someone else.
Did you want to marry each other?
Tell him how unhappy you are. Can you find someone else or be better of without him? You could try to be affectionate with him; see the response you get. Maybe you dont need to wait for him to take the initiative?? If that doesn't work maybe both of you are unhappy with each other? Maybe he loved someone else; was made by his family to marry you?
Does he show affection to his son? Does he see him more than 2 months in 2 years? What a miserable life. Im sorry. You deserve to be happy; should seek happiness.
walaikum assalam sister,,
i think he is not gay but he is ignoring you. and wants to make you feel that you are not important for him .
you should keep patient and pray to allah for help.
allah will help you.
i m suffering from the same situation since last 12 years. i m waiting ..
one day allah will help me .
and i m sure abt it..
allah will listen me and help me .
sisterzz
sounds like you are the last one in ALLAH's queue if you have been waiting for 12 years!!
Again- God helps those who help themselves. So if you sit around waiting for something to happen it wont- you have to take proactive steps maybe start with getting a job, some skills to help you be independent etc and be your own person. Learn to stand up for yourself and let your husband know that you are not his doormat to be treated anyway and he will change his attitude.
That said- love and intimacy cannot be forced,it will not bloom suddenly despite how many times you pray or how good a muslim you are. If it has not happened till you chances are it never will.
This is why it is important to figure out the compatibility aspect before marriage and look for personal qualities like empathy, respect, honesty etc instead of just a good job, caste, looks as these can be improved along the way; the core character of a person is for life and when you marry them this is what you will deal with each day.
Jobs change, status changes, looks age - all these are temporary and do not speak to how your future will be.
Don't advice other people to wait forever- you are already miserable ; is this your way of telling other people to join your pity party??
Salams,
I think it is very sad and nobody has deserved this treatment. If your husband doesn't sleep with you for
about 3 months, you have the immediate right to file for divorce in Islam. Furthermore, this lack of empathy
and affection is definitely not the "Islamic" way of treating a wife. Don't stay and demand your rights.
I don't want to scare you, but men have a stronger sex drive than women. If they don't approach you
often enough, something is wrong. And in your case, having sex twice in two years, is not bearable for
any man.
Yes, sister pry, pry and pry and you will see how your situation magically changes...not.
You have to DO something if you want your situation to change. As someone above said your hubby is not going to change, but I dont think you have to keep up with his disappointing behavior.
Isn't your husband failing at what he's suppose to do? A husband is not only suppose to provide money and food but also love and care to his wife. He's not doing that, so is he worth of you?
I understand you live under this religion specific rules, but does that mean you are condemned to live the rest of your life in misery? You deserve to be loved as a woman. Your son, friends or family will never be a replacement for the love of a husband. If you love yourself and your son you will make him understand and change, of not I would divorce and find a man who really loves me a treats me well. Good luck.
I think you mean, "pray and pray", not "pry and pry". To pry means to snoop or spy.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My bad, english is not my native language. Its curious how you make a comment about the typo and not about the message itself.
Assalamwalikum sister, I empathise with what u r going through. There r many ways 2 find out his exact location and his course of action. Please check the mobile if possible. Most of the Men who live abroad and visit their wives after a long time, fulfil their sexual desires elsewhere. They earn and spend outside. I do not want 2 demotivate u. But in such a long period, u should know a lot about him. I am a counsellor, handling maximum cases of ur kind. Throw close ended questions at him. I feel that u must ask now if not never.
salaam, sister even i am suffering a lot plz can you give me ur id or mail me? as i want to share things personaly plz anyone.
AOA i want to discuss something whom i can mail personally ...i getting married soon in a month and im worried about this marriage
Wa Alaikum as Salam, nida,
There is no option of mailing anyone personally. If you don't feel comfortable asking a question in public, you could hide your details and post with an anonymous name. This way, you will receive responses from people, and your identity will remain hidden.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASSLAM O AILKUM.My prblm is that im getting married in a month and my fiance has a strange behviour like he has ego and atitude prblm with every 1 accept my and his parents .somtimes he cares alot smtimes dnt even reply to my msg im really woried plz i need duas for my future life
sad to know this sister's story.
Please help me,i,need help. Can someone email me,,..,,assalamu alaikum sisters
sakyna, we don't answer questions by email. Please log in and write your question as a post, and we will publish it in turn, Insha'Allah.a
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister chins I feel like am reading my life story in your post am married 14 years and my situation is same as yours even today the only thing that has changed is my heart as I feel totally shattered and insecure now ...may ALLAH SAW give you sabar ameen .I don't know if my situation will ever be changed or not but I just pray to ALLAH all the time that 3 of my boys turn up to be a very good and loving husbands ameen because I would never ever want any wife to have this suffer like we had and still having
Assalamualaikum sisters...may Allah s.w.t reward you all with Jannah..also, since it is Ramadan, the month of blessings, I would like to remind you all of the power of Tahajjud prayer...plz do keep praying Tahajjud, make dua n keep your faith in Allah...Allah is the most Merciful..