Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband is extremely verbally abusive, is it my fault?

Assalamualaikum,

I got married a few years ago to somebody I found for myself (not by family as my family aren’t practicing.) I’m 23 and he is 35.

Before the marriage I did pick up on some negative characteristics of his. He would be extremely critical and constantly pick at me over minor issues that didn’t concern him, expect me to spend every free second of my life when I wasn’t physically working on the phone to him, and in general was very controlling and short-tempered and could be very patronising and condescending.

Since we got married it only got worse. He constantly - on a daily basis - would bring up everything he believed I’d done wrong and criticise me for it. Like he may randomly mention something I’d done 3 weeks ago. He would do this first thing in the morning or after I’d been at work for 10 hours without any sympathy. He would threaten to tell both our families about the things he would call me up on, to shame me for my behaviour. Bear in mind, most of the things he would mention were either untrue or a simple mistake anyone could accidentally make e.g “two weeks ago you forgot to wash off your perfume before we went to go and buy milk.”

I also wasn’t allowed my friends anymore. He demanded I stop seeing or talking to them and make new friends by attending classes of his choosing at mosques of his choosing. The same rules do not apply to him, he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants, whenever he wants.

But the real issue is the anger and the way he treats people. He is short tempered and rude with his mother, father and all of his sisters and his brothers, as well as me. He constantly flies off the handle over things most people do not even think twice about. Many times he will stand over my shoulder constantly criticising whilst I cook or do the dishes or do some cleaning. He then acts really imposed upon, as if somebody asked him to supervise, and then starts complaining how he hasn’t had time to eat or wash because he “had” to show me how to do things. He cannot understand the difference between things that have a right/wrong way of doing them, and things that can be done multiple ways depending on personal preference. Everything is either “his way or the wrong way”.

He makes himself so furious over minor differences in method. I’ve been on the floor in the corner of the room crying whilst he shouts and swears at me for over an hour. He always tells me his behaviour is my fault, that I make him behave this way, that I’m a liar, that I’m ignorant, that I need to fear Allah etc. He is unable to recognise that I am trying my absolute best to please him, but sadly he is quite an ungrateful person who cannot be grateful for ANYTHING people do for him unless they do it in exactly the way he wants it.

For an example, if he were to tell me to add salt and pepper to food I was cooking and I added the pepper before the salt, this could easily be the beginning of a shouting fit where he will degrade and belittle me and tell me to just “do as he says and don’t try to me smart and do it differently”. I try to do everything the way he wants it for the sake of avoiding being shouted at, but on times I genuinely forget and he does shout. I still try to remain patient for the sake of Allah, but sometimes it gets to me so much I will shout back or cry because I don’t think many humans can tolerate this.

I have tried to speak with him in calmer times to explain that his behaviour of getting angry over minuscule things then blaming me for his vile language is a classic example of verbal and emotional abuse, and suggested we look into counselling or advice from any Imam, Sheikh, scholar etc that he feels comfortable to speak with, but he refuses. I’m pretty sure he knows this is because he will be told the way he reacts to things and the way he treats his wife, family and other Muslims is unacceptable.

Divorce has been mentioned before. It was mentioned by me when I felt at breaking point from his temper, criticism, hateful remarks, and excessive control over me and manipulative behaviour. He told me he would never divorce me and I would never be granted khula, and he would never agree to it either.

-Fallingleaves

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. You need to get out of this marriage. Your husband has serious anger, jealousy, insecurity and control issues, and it´s not going to get better. Imagine if you have a child? Now your husband will be shouting and humiliating you in front of the children, and probably abusing the children as well. Be thankful that you have no children yet (alhamdulillah) and get out.

    None of this was your fault, by the way. His family knew how he was and they did not warn you. They are probably happy that he has someone else to abuse besides them.

    No one deserves to be treated this way. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation. The answer is obvious.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear Sister, it seems you know the answer to yjis question in that you clearly are unhappy and you talk asthough your husband has power over not divorcing you, please sister if you attend any mosque in the Uk they will grant you Khula , I did it myself , so please do not make out that this man is so controlling that you cannot leave him. The truth is you have chose to stay with him so it is your own doing sister it seems you are enjoying the attention, no one is a victim unless you allow yourself to become a victim and in my experienced opinion I believe you are allowing this abuse to continue. Allah (swt) allows divorce for many reasons and abuse isa major reason to divorce. So divorce and move on.Allah (swt) does not change a people until they change what is in themselves and for you sister you do not have the power to change your husband therefore you only option is divorce.
      May Allah (swt) guide us all.

  2. Sister, leave this marriage. There are men out there that are beyond beautiful and would treat you with the respect that you deserve. You know how it is now with your husband? It'll only get worse with time. Now if you bring children? Imagine it 10x worse. You're SO young, please don't waste another year with him. In fact when you do leave, get a restraining order on him. He sounds like a psycho to me.

    If 5 years adds on to this relationship, I guarantee you'll look back to today and say I wish I had left then. The longer you stay, the harder it'll be to leave because the emotional baggage would be more than it is now.

    It's NOT your fault, read that again. But if you decide to stay and put up with it after getting the advice above, I can't tell you that we didn't tell you so. You asked for advice, we're sincerely telling you to leave because it won't get better with him, please put it to action.

    Wish you the best!

  3. I only read the title and I can already tell this marriage is toxic. Let me tell you this. Nobody has the right to physically, mentally or verbally abuse anyone. If you find someone treating you like this then don't entertain them. They don't deserve you. You're not a can that they can kick you about. You didn't come to this world to orbit them. If this man can't change then leave him. Before you rush into another marriage. Work on yourself. Become more comfortable with yourself, learn to self respect, make your boundaries if anyone ever decides to cross them then you know what appropriate action to take.

    I pray for you sister. God bless you and your family.

  4. You need to leave this marriage like yesterday. People like that never change, don't wait another 5 years wishing he would - thats the mistake a lot of people make.

    Leave this miserable loser to himself, you already make huge mistakes in ignoring all the warning signs. You're not in a marriage but in bonded slavery when you cannot have your own friends.

    Leave now now before its too late!

  5. Your husband is a textbook abusive husband. It's not your fault that he behaves the way you do, no, but you made a grave mistake in marrying a man that showed signs of abusive behaviour. And you are making a grave mistake in remaining with your husband. He will say and do anything to keep your self-esteem low...that's his sick way of making you stay with him so that he can control you. He's not going to let go of you so t's up to you to break free from him, no matter what he says or does.

    This is a serious matter and goes way beyond what any sheikh can do - your husband is not right in his head, and you need to leave him ASAP. You need to boost your confidence and learn your worth, too. You should never allow anyone to treat you the way your husband is treating you...

  6. Dear Sister: I will repeat what everyone here has said to you. Your husband is an abusive man. The way he treats you is not your fault. There is no reason for you to live with someone who treats you poorly. It might even be advisable that you do not talk to him about your decisions, but to proceed with a plan to divorce him. Your marriage is not one of mutual agreeing to end a marriage or that the two of you just don't get along. Yours is abusive.

    It is imperative that you seek out legal assistance. Consider making a connection with a family member or someone you trust who you could possible live with until you are divorced. If you only had an Islamic contract and no civil marriage, it will be easier to sever ties with your current husband. But it is important that you document your decision and the steps taken for Iddah. You will also not need him to sign any documents. You should just forward a statement via certified mail to the effect that you have initiated a divorce, the reason why, and the date initiated. After your Iddah, send a final statement that states you are divorce and have no obligations to him as a wife. You should immediately discuss this with an imam. And DO NOT let anyone tell you to be patient and to tolerate your husband's abuse which almost always happens when a woman is being treated poorly. A Muslim woman is not required to live in an abusive household. There is no guarantee that your husband will not become physically abusive. So please, please take every precaution to protect yourself.

  7. SubhanAllah Your husband is an old controlling sick man . Please leave him ASAP you don’t sound like you Happy and you shouldn’t be treated this way

  8. Assalaamualaykum Sister Falling Leaves,

    Beautiful name, by the way 🙂

    I am so sorry you are experiencing this misery. You have gotten great advice from the posters above.

    You write:

    "He is unable to recognize that I am trying my absolute best to please him...."

    Sister...this man knows full well how hard you are trying to please him. And he is taking advantage of it. Men like this are master manipulators.

    "I still try to remain patient for the sake of Allah"

    Allah requires no such thing from you. As Roses states above, a muslimah is not required to stay in an abusive relationship, and furthermore deserves to be treated like a diamond.

    I can tell by the way you write that you are intelligent. Men such as your husband prey on women who are people pleasers and intelligent, hoping to strip them of these qualities and gain them for themselves.

    Hold fast to the gifts Allah has given you and run!

    Inshallah there will be clear skies in your future,

    Hugs,

    Nor

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply