Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mum is not very nice to me

Family or Work?

Assalamuwalykum

I am a 15 year old girl living in the UK. My father has mental health issues but my mother doesn't.

I am going to be honest here and say, I am not the perfect, ideal daughter. I can get quite angry sometimes, and have raised my voice against my parents. I know this is terrible, and pray to Allah that he removes this bad habit from me. However, I have realised that I have learnt these behaviours from my parents. Every since I was younger, my mum would speak in a rude-cross tone if I asked her a "silly" or "annoying" question. This is when I was little so around up to 11 years. Now, I realise I talk like her the way she used to talk to me. Obviously, parents deserve more respect but I don't know what to do. I have learnt the bad habits of my mother and have even done the same to my little sister who is 9, but I regret that and try my best to be nice to her.

My mum is not always very nice to me. I don't know what to do. Honestly, it hurts me deep down to know that my mother out of everyone shouts and hits me. She hit me a lot before the age of 13, but not if she gets angry, she just kicks me. She shouts a lot too, for reasons I don't understand.

For example, let's say she made beef today. I do not like beef, so I nicely try and tell her,

"Mum, I do not like beef, so I do not want to eat it. I understand you made beef and that's alright but I just don't want it. If I don't eat for once, please don't worry because nothing will happen".

And then she would just shout at me and say normal Indian daughters like beef, but you don't! I like beef so you have to like it. I made it so you have to eat it.

There's so much I can right but I can't get it onto the keyboard right now. Whenever I get angry at something, my mum always thinks its because "I want a boyfriend" and she calls me a slut. I really don't understand why her explanation for everything is a teenage girl's desire for boys. Sometimes the fact that she always tells me that she bets I will go and run off with a guy at 18 makes me want to do it a rebel, but insha Allah a thing such as that never happens.

My mum also curses me and makes bad dua. I'm scared that these will affect me. She tells me that she hopes everything in my life to go wrong and that I turn into a lunatic person like my dad. Honestly, I wish that no one ever has a mother like her and I want to stop getting her influence so I do not turn out like her to my children.

I do not have anyone I can tell really. We don't have any relatives around us and even the ones far away, I can't tell.

JazaKallah

strivingforpeace

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3 Responses »

  1. AoA little sister,

    I can imagine your situation and pray to Allah to alleviate your problems. Ameen.

    Although, a person who is older can cop with this situation easily but you are quite young to solve things on of your own. So I would guide you on some points.

    1. Your mother has seen difficult situations i.e., the mental illness of your father, etc. That has turned her a bit hard. But when you will get a bit mature you would be able to realize where she stands and why she behaves as she does now. Be nice to her anyway as the God commands in Quran and the Holy Prophet (s.a.w) said.

    2. This is quite a big trial for you seeing your age, but people are through even tougher situations. there is a positive thing here. God does't put anyone in situation that is beyond their strength. Believe me, you are quite brave as seems from your writing. All problems will get solved soon inshAllah. Only thing that will remain is how you dealt with it e.g., you showed patience, courage, good behavior despite tough situation. This is in fact a trial. May God make you succeed at it. Ameen.

    3. Now, how you can get out of it. Here are a few things you can do, that will help you. Most of them are related to psychology. So why don't you study psychology at school/college so you would know why people behave in a particular manner 🙂

    i. Socialize: make some good friends. Even if you don't tell them your problems, spending some time will relieve your mind.

    ii. Make a journal/diary. Write whatever you want in your diary. This will ventilate your anger and frustration. This is very useful psychological technique 🙂

    iii. Try to avoid things that may make your mom angry, but that doesn't mean you just duck in. Talk to her later when she is in good mood.

    iv. Spend sometime in a physical activity e.g., sports, exercise, walk, jogging, running, anything that causes sweat. Sweating and physical activity release chemicals in blood that relieve tension, stress, etc. You would feel immediate relief.

    For girls from India, Pakistan, etc., it is difficult for them sometimes to go out for workout. But you can do that at your home too.

    v. You can ask your mother to join in. That will relieve her some stress she has accumulated over years.

    vi. I have studied psychology, my sister is a psychologist; so there is nothing shameful if you have some psychological illness. Your mother seems to have developed some psychological symptoms. Ask any older relative e.g., your grandmother, uncle, aunt, etc to take her to some psychiatrist or psychologist.

    I would end my reply here by praying again that may God solve your problems. Ameen. If you want to ask anything related to psychology. Post in the thread, I will try to reply inshAllah.

    • You summed it up very well Danish Qureshi.

      All I want to say is that you and ypur mother will be in my prayers. I am sure your mother has a hard time with your father which makes her act out like she does.

      I had a hard time coping with my in laws and unfortunately took it out on my kids (2 and an infant at the time). But I realised my mistake quickly and to this day (2 years later) I feel horrible and regret every time I remember those times.

  2. asalamu alaykum

    i can see where you are coming from, and i kind of have have the same problems to, but insha allah if you follow the advice given, you may find peace in your life

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