Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My online boyfriend is treating me like I’m worthless

Verbal abuseAsalama aleikum sisters,

Nine months ago, I met this guy online. He started sending me messages, and I used to reply whenever I had time, because in that time I was more focused on my work, family and friends, and I wasn’t looking for any guy.

He kept talking and after all that he wanted to delete his user account and talk to me on WhatsApp. At first I didn’t want to give him but after texting him online, in a while I give it to him. He wanted to be "just friends" and that was actually the same thing I wanted. We were always there for each other, and we talked everyday. After one month he told me he loved me and I felt something for him too so I told him too.

We argued a lot of time about culture because he was Arab and I wasn’t. And I didn’t wanted to marry someone out of my race and knew that my family wouldn’t allow it. And that it wasn’t any point trying this. He convinced me and told me that culture wasn’t something as long as we both love each other. Things were good and I told him I didn’t wanted a boyfriend girlfriend thing but husband and wife halal relationship. He agreed with me and said he wanted to marry me and that I have to tell my parents about him. I listened and I did, after he told his parents.

He promised to come to my country to meet me since he was from the states far away from where I live. It took a while until he actually came... some part of me didn’t think he would this time since he couldn’t two times earlier he said he was coming. Before he came he hacked my phone as he says and he said he saw I was talking to other guys and that they where flirting with me.

Allah sees me and I did talk to other guys but they were my closest friends and I saw them as brothers. I always used to take advice from them because those guys where from the same country as me but it was never something between me and them. He also said I was on dates and that I lied to him. I always used to tell him where I was and who I was with so I never lied about that, and the dating part, it wasn’t me going on a date it was one of my friend that were going to meet a guy for first time and she didn’t wanted to go alone so I was with her. I explained more than hundreds time to him but he says stuff like you’re a hoe go be with your guys. And wallah when he calls me ugly words like that I get so hurt my heart hurts because I know I didn’t do anything.

He called me a cheater, ugly, liar, and unfaithful. After that I was so hurt that I started hurting my body because he would FaceTime me using hashish and tell me it’s my fault and that I destroyed him. After these hard days he finally came to visit me and I regret what happened. I didn’t wanted to do sin, I told him too many times, but it happened. I was virgin I never had any sex before but I didn’t bleed that much. Then he would bring up the same thing I explained to him and he would say stuff like you weren’t virgin and that Muslim girls lie about their virginity. Allah (swt) sees me and I know I never had sex.

He still wouldn’t believe me because he means that I lied to him all these months we were together. All these words hurt me so bad and I just wanted to die. He slapped me for that and hold my throat because I was pushing myself into him while crying. After that time I just wanted to leave so I took my stuff and was about to go to my moms place.

I was in the train station and I just couldn’t leave him like that specially when he came all the way to this country because of me. So I was sitting in the train station crying didn’t know what to do. He sent me message and said he wanted to go with me to my parents and ask for my hand. And that he loved me and want to fix up. I couldn’t say no to him because I really loved him and cared about him. He came and we went to my parents house.

My parents accept him with open arms even though deep down they wanted me to marry a man with the same culture as me. He was with us in some days until he got his own hotel. I was happiest girl at that time and thought everything was going well. But he started sending me msg that I had to find someone that sells hashesh I told him I didn’t know anyone and he became mad at me so I started trying to find someone, Allah knows how much I struggled.

And when I got him that he started being aggressive and telling me I’m a hoe and a bitch and fake hijabi. I was hurting... his words was hurtful absolutely. I took and used the weed though. I felt bad for doing that because I never did stuff like that. After all that he’s dad started getting real bad ill so he had to go back and be with he’s dad. But he told my parents that he’ll come back with his mom and marry me.

He went back and I was praying for his dad and him and myself for the sin I did. I asked Allah for forgiveness. I know Allah is the most forgiving. I was praying every night since the Ramadan started for a good health for his dad. Alhamdulilah his dad got better... I was there for him and supporting him to not give up on his dad, even when the Dr. said he would die. He didn’t and he shaved his hair and beard because of his dad.

Once his dad got better he became again same insecure person and says to me “Allah sees you... you really broke my heart." I admitted to him I was talking to my guy friends but it was never more than a brother sister thing there. But he chose not to believe me. And says he have seen msgs. It’s funny how he acts smart and all when I’m telling him the truth and I even want him to talk to all of my guy friends. He isn’t a very Muslim guy, like he doesn’t pray and I didn’t pray all 5 times, just 3 in a day but Alhamdulilah I’m working on it.

I was so tired of getting hurt so I decided to block him everywhere and I told him all he said was ugly words like "go be with your guys" and stuff like that. And he’ll be like "I’ll always be by your side and ima go to a therapy" I told him "you’re Muslim u don’t need therapy" what you need is going closer to Allah and not believe in his creations. After all I blocked and I think he did it too. Now my heart is hurting so much.. I keep thinking about him and I feel like I just can’t live a life without him. I don’t want anyone else. My family keep asking me when he’s coming back and he even left he’s baggage with clothes here and only took the one with my gift to his mom.

Some part of me says that he’ll come back to me and some part of me just gave up. I’m crying on my sajood every night in this holy month of Ramadan, I lock myself in a room and are silent crying so no one in my family hears me. Some nights I would have some bad thoughts like killing myself but Allah is the only reason why I don’t do it. I don’t feel like I’m worth anything anymore...If my family would know that I’m not virgin anymore that would be shame. I don’t even talk to my mom as much as I used to because I don’t feel like I’m the girl she wanted me to be. She always said to me “Once you lose your virginity, you have lost everything” and she used to tell me how much guys trick girls to get what they want.

I feel so much shame and I just wanna be gone. Because I can’t take the fact that I gave him all of me and he’ll still treat me like s*** and then blame everything on me. He gave me so much false hopes that whenever I remember whatever he said it hurts my heart so much.  I even took 13 tablets one time but I throw up after I thought about Allah. It’s like he give me so much pain and he would still say that I hurt him! When I am the one going through hell as I lost so much. I blocked every friend of mine, everyone I had in my life, because of him but he’ll still blame me! I don’t know anything anymore... maybe it’s my fault maybe I shouldn’t have talked to anyone from the beginning. I still apologize to him even when I didn’t do anything with these guys. I was always talking about how good he was.

This one time I deleted my Facebook picture because I don’t feel comfortable having picture of myself on fb anymore, but he would force me to have one and when I remove it he would say "what are you hiding?" 

And in his past he had this ex-girlfriend that wasn’t Muslim so she cheated on him. Maybe he thinks I’m like her, but why would he promise me marriage and meet my family and do all that? If he didn’t want me why did he come at the first place?  It’s so many questions I keep asking myself every night with tears on my face. But I don’t even have answers.

Now I just want advice from you guys I don’t have anyone to tell this and I feel so lonely.

Sister

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7 Responses »

  1. Just leave this guy. You do not deserve him. He is psychotic. He will make your whole life hell. He was just after you only to full fill his evil desire and nothing. Or may be he was taking revenge from you because his exgirl friend betrayed him. Simple leave him. He is sick person and he needs professional help.

  2. Salam sister, it's good that u broke up , u aren't married yet and he treats u so badly what would have happeed when u do get married?

  3. You need to leave this guy
    .He is violent and unpredictable.
    You need to learn about Islam .
    You commited Zina and its grave sin .
    Repent and try to be a good Muslim
    Remove other guys from your life .In Islam no other can be your brother apart from real biological brother .
    You need to spend time with good people

  4. Salaam sister you need to leave this guy before marriage he is like this after marriage he will be worse a lot of women make mistake that men’s will change after marriage if before marriage they are worse no they don’t
    They have kids but kids life gets worse too
    I advice you sister don’t marry him because they way you have been treated so badly it will be worse after marriage my question to you is do you want your children to suffer and see this everyday ?
    What you going through know with him
    What’s happened you done sin just do tauba pray five times talk to your mum and please don’t cry and harm yourself block him and forget him move on
    We can’t bring things back what happened in the past but we learn lesson from it so we don’t make these mistakes again
    Forget him and be happy move on
    Hope this will help you to make your decision about him
    With love sister Sonia

  5. Ws

    Are you out of your mind??? You should have dumped this guy years ago. He's controlling and makes you feel like sh** to the point you are harming yourself and you still want to be with him???

    You are crazy to be even contemplating a life with him. He will ruin your life and you will have yourself to blame for it/

  6. Do you see a future with this guy? Do you see having kids and he being a good father to your kids? With his Hasheesh habit will he be a good partner to you.

    “We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the BEST planner”. Please do istakhara to get an answer if you should get out of this relationship. I personally feel whatever happened is for the best. You should leave him and move on. Get a job, pursue an education and take time to learn the quran and understand it, do the tafsir. Also try and block all the guys that you speak with, be it brothers or boy friends, it is forbidden in our dean to have such relationships. Focus on yourself and try to make yourself strong and your relationship with Allah strong.

    Allah knows best his intention for coming back however you should move out of a relationship like this which does not have a future. In which there is no respect or trust. Marriage is not only about a sexual relationship, it is more about respect, trust and being there for each other which is lacking in you relationship. Moving on will be tough but ask Allah to help you and make you strong and move your focus to something more constructive.

    May Allah make it easy for you

  7. Dear sister,

    this man does not posses qualities you want in a life partner. 1) he hacked your phone. this is very intrusive, controling and possevice behaviour. he is a non mehram and has no rights over you. 2) he uses vulgar and degrading language and calls you a hoe and ugly and places false accusations on you. he openly disrespects you. 3) he commited zina with you. A man who respects you will not encourage you to sin. 4) he slapped you and resorted to phycial abuse. this is never ok. he is a non mehram, if he is comfortable abusuing you before marraige,this will surely continue after marriage. can you honestly say you would feel safe around this man? is this the man you want to make father of your future children? would you feel happy and proud if you had children who grew up to posses qualities he is showing? 5) he would request for you to find someone to supply hasheesh and get mad when you didnt comply. instead of feeling guilty, he is manupliting you into belive you are doing wrong for not going through with his unnaceptable demands.
    i know you feel a bond to him, you commited zina, but this is why allah tells us to not cross limits in islam and keep burdah from non mehram. if you marry him because you lost your virginity to him, you will not live a happy or peacefull marriage.
    he actions do not mirror a man who loves you.
    you say you cannot live without him, but can you live a life with him, one that will be full of pain, hurt, disrespect and abuse?
    please do not see this as a punishment, but rather a blessing from allah saving you from a misrebale marriage.
    do not cry for you have "lost" this man, greive for your sins in true repentance and find peace with the past.
    you may feel you wont be happy without him,
    trust allah, and he will replace your heartache with happiness and halal love.

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