Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents not allowing inter-caste marriage, threatening to disown…

Ants have castes (show here are a male, queen and worker). Human beings should not have castes!

As Salam Walaikum Brothers and Sisters

I have come across various cases similar like mine and I have found people discussing and suggesting over it. I am here today seeking an answer and guidance from my dear muslim brothers and sisters.

I am a 25 year old girl and I came across a guy through a matrimonial site (29 years old). Alhamdullilah, the guy is really nice, islamic, mature and everything that a girl wishes for in an ideal life partner. From day 1 I shared everything with my mother as I never wanted to take a wrong decision for my life. I lost my father long ago when I was quite young and I did not wanted the world to raise a finger on me or on my character, so for the same reason I decided to keep my mother in loop.
I met him and I found everything suitable and same was from his side.
We finally decided to make our families meet each other. The unfortunate part is that we both belong to different castes. I am an Ansari girl and he is from a Khan family. Caste system is still prevalent in Asian countries and for the same reason his family refused to meet me. As per them, marrying a girl from the lower caste will bring shame to his family. Alhamdullilah, I am blessed to have a very supporting mother and she has no such thought and she has been supporting me and I have been sharing all the problems with her.
After a lot of effort from the guy, his parents made a visit but only to reject me. We both were extremely disheartened and sad but we decided to stay strong and convince his parents.
I have noticed changes in me in a better way, meeting that guy has made me more closer to Allah, I have become more islamic and have gained a lot of interest in my religion. I believe that if Allah has made us meet each other, there is definitely a purpose.
We kept working hard for it, to keep our relation as halal as possible, we do not meet each other. We also live in different cities which again makes us impossible to see each other. Every time he went home, he kept convincing his parents to say a yes to me, of course with all respect and kindness. But every time we received a big no from their end. He tried to involve his family members, relatives everyone who can convince his parents but nothing helped.
In the meanwhile, his parents started bringing marriage proposals for him, that was not even suitable for him and he kept saying no to it. After rejecting various proposals, we thought we will stick to our decision and maybe very soon Insha'Allah they will say a yes to me.
On discussing this case with my friends and well wishers, many of them asked us to move ahead and look for someone else suitable. But even after trying a lot, I cannot convince my heart for the same. Also, I have read and searched a lot that Islam doesn't allow a nikah where your heart is not into it. It is completely null and void.
Allah himself says that marry for the sake of Allah, not for anybody else.
I have done istikhara multiple times and I always believed that the results that I got from them is not negative.
There are various dreams that I saw and somehow it communicated that my decision is not wrong, istikahra doesn't always guarantees a dream however, I have seen various little signs too that tells me that I am not going towards the wrong path.
The things have now moved to an extreme level, his parents have started to threaten him, to disown him, trying to blackmail him emotionally. They are making calls to me and my family members too to back off. And because of all this we both are disturbed mentally, it is affecting our health both physically and mentally. They have stopped contacting him and are forcing him to marry the girl of their choice else they will disown him. They might threaten to kill themselves too and I fear that day because I know he will get weak and will then say yes to everything they want.
He is in a dilemma and me here being a daughter of a single mother, it is very very difficult for me too. I cannot think of any other guy apart from him as I have tried many times to convince myself and my heart is just not allowing me to go for another guy.
We are making dua, continuously, offering tahajjud, offering daily five salah without fail, nafil roza, making tauba for anything if we have done knowingly or unknowingly that is unislamic or haram, everything, but unfortunately nothing is working in our favour.
I can never ask the guy to choose between me and his parents because I know he loves them a lot, I genuinely feel for him and I can never ever see him unhappy, even though I feel what they are doing is completely unislamic and not right.Forcing someone to marry against someone's wishes, denying me only because of my caste lower to them, threatening to disown, these are not at all halal reasons.
I sometimes feel that I am the one to be blamed for all this as he is in a trouble because of me. I still have my family supporting me and him throughout and he is all alone and there where there is no one to listen to him, support him. My mother doesn't know that things have now gone to this extreme level, I am not sharing with her because that would make her upset and will give her stress, I am keeping things within me and it is quite disturbing now.
I really don't know what to do, we keep looking for solutions, for dua, for everything that is possible to find a way out of all this. Allah is really testing our patience and it is very difficult for me to hold on to all this. Please help me find a way, tell me if there is any salah or dua to find a solution. I cannot just sit and wait for a miracle because I know it is not easy. I cannot just let things go. I have been through a lot since I lost my father, I have struggled enough in my life, I feel that Insha'Allah marrying him can help me live a better life. But all this is really breaking me and making my life extremely difficult day by day.

Please pray for us and give me any solution and suggestion.

Jazak Allah Khayran


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikum

    The caste system has no basis in Islam, and neither does forced marriage.

    If you have truly tried all you can to persuade his family, and they are still adamant that they will not accept you, then he will need to make a choice - he can either marry you against his parents' wishes (the consent of the groom's parents is not an essential component of nikah, so you could still have a valid nikah), or end his relationship with you. And if this is the choice he has to make, he will need the courage to stand by his decision.

    Until he makes a decision and either marries you or ends contact, you need to ensure your relationship with him is within Islamic limits.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. Wa alaykumsalam

    Your father has no right to force you to marry someone you don't want to marry. Because first of all its you that's going to be staying with the person for your entire life, not your parents. They can't determine who you find attractive or not, can they? It's sad how people put all these innovations into islam and say it's a tremendous sin and something to die over, something that will lose their respect and this and that. Of course, you have to stay away from zina. Never fall into the act of zina as Allah has mentioned that the people that follow their lusts and desires and commit zina will be punished (May Allah protect us and guide us). You have to marry the one you think will be best for you, because again, its you that's going to be living with that particular person your entire life. And forced marriage is miserable and something against the teachings of islam.

    Remind him that the prophet Muhammad (salalahu Alayhi wasalam) said: “The virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission has been sought.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6968; Muslim, 1419.

    and if the marriage contract has been done while you are reluctant, then the marriage contract is invalid.

    Remind your parents that it's haram for the wali to force you into marrying who you don't want to marry.

    Please read this written by the scholar Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Munajjid regarding this issue:

  3. I wish you both guys get together and all the family member should agree for your marriage I'm a Hindu guy and I'm in love with a Muslim girl and we are having a very very hard time for us haven't talked to each other since many days and haven't seen each other I wish her family should understand her feelings towards me but I say follow what your heart says not the evils mind have faith in your love do whatever you can do to get your love face it together don't lose hope the love don't have any religion and in your case your love is of same religion fight for it.I read that no caste discrimination is done all are sons and daughters of Allah and also read that the boy or a girl should not be forced to marry someone the boy and a girl should be willing to marry each other if they don't then parents should not make them marry and it's said the parents are doing wrong.

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