Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling guilty about a Relationship

True Love

Salaam everyone.
Well, the reason why I'm writing here is because I am a Muslim girl who is in a relationship with a Muslim guy, which is obviously not allowed in our religion. The relationship started at a very young age (when I was in class-8). Now it has almost been 4 years and I'm still in a relationship with him. I sometimes wonder how I let this happen because my parents were always religious enough to teach me about Islam, so I knew relationships were not allowed. But well, I got involved in it anyway. Let me tell you briefly how it all happened.

We were both in class-8 in the same school. He had a crush on me which somehow spilled out and everybody started teasing both of us about each other. Somehow that used to make me feel good thinking that a boy liked me. So I started having feelings for him too. But deep inside, I always had a promise to myself that I would never really date anyone or go into a relationship. So I kept avoiding. But then, after a while, he started to express his feelings to me. He proposed to me online and I rejected. I even blocked him and stopped all kind of communications. But then one day, a friend of mine called and told me he was very sad and have been acting very differently. She asked me Why I did not want to go into a relationship. I told her I was too young. So she said "When will you be ready?" I told her "5 years". Of course, I never really thought someone would actually agree to wait for me for 5 years, but then, she told me he agreed. I didn't really have much to say after that. From that day onwards, we used to communicate little by little. Then soon, it became an everyday thing. Facebook chats, whatsapp conversations and even phone call. He used to say "I love you" to me too, but I never replied back to that. Until one day, when we got over a huge fight, I finally told him I loved him too. So that is how it kept going on. We started going out; talking in phone was a regular thing.That is how many months passed by and at one point, we even crossed the limit a little bit. That is when I got really angry with myself. That's when I realized what I was doing is so, so wrong. I wanted to break up with him. But he was like "I know why you're saying this. I promise I won't cross the limit ever again". And unbelievably enough, he did not. Somehow, more than two years passed and we were still dating, but with boundaries. But then,at some point, some very bad things happened to my family. During those times, I became Very religious. I made an attempt to cut out All ties with him. I wanted to sacrifice him for the sake of Allah (SWT), for the sake of my religion, my parents. And believe me when I say this, I tried my best! I gave him all explanations I literally could and I cut off all kinds of communication. But this was not easy. He understood everything and said he agrees, but that he cannot live without me. He started crying. And not just then, he used to cry a lot- if we had a serious fight or if I ever even brought up the word "break-up".He told me "I do understand. But the only solution here for us is to get married. And since we're so young, our parents won't allow that. If we do not have any communication throughout the years, can you promise me you'll marry me in the end? Because I cannot even think about marrying Anyone other than you."
I had no answer to that. Of course, if we did not keep contact with each other, who knows where the two of us will be in, say, 5 to 6 years?
So then I agreed to keep track of each other, maybe just chat once in a month. But soon, that month turned into weeks and then days and then everyday. But that incident changed the two of us. From that day, he became very religious. He only wanted to just chat with me, not even talk in phone much, let alone go out in dates. He's still like that now. Sometimes, I like to say he became more religious than me. He always asks me to pray and help me wake up for fajr. He helps me stay religious and keeps me from going off-tracks. I know this thing is not acceptable and he admits that too. He says "I know that it's haram we are in a relationship, and if I could marry you right now, I would. But since that isn't possible, can we just keep contact with each other, please?"
And so, that is how we're still going on. We chat everyday and talk in phone in a few days time. We don't even go out much. Even if we do, there's either someone with us, or we keep our limits.

But I'm still feeling very guilty. My parents do not know about this and they don't suspect me much either. They trust me too much and it'll kill me to break their trust. But I'm somehow stuck. Really stuck. I know I cannot just go and break up with him again, I did that quite seriously a few times but it never worked out. So I had to go back to being with him. And I don't have the courage or strength to do it again. It always ends up in a mess and people start judging Me for breaking his heart. Nobody understands. I prayed to Allah (SWT) a lot to help me, to guide me to the right path, to somehow get me out of this haram relationship (even though, I will admit, he made me a better Muslim and I do love him too) I Am willing to sacrifice. But I just don't know how. Please kindly don't tell me to just Stop communicating with him, because I tried that many times, it did not work. He truly loves me, he fears letting me slip away. What am I supposed to do? Please tell me what I can do now. Suggest me some duas too, if there is. I will appreciate your comment very much.

Warm regards and Wassalam,

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4 Responses »

  1. First of all
    Live for yourself
    Yes you have to respect your parents
    But not to the extent that it kills you
    They can't depend on you for happiness
    Forgive me but they are not gonna live forever

    Try to do what makes you feel comfortable

    For God sakes
    Did we forget that Khadija (A.S )
    Gave marriage proposal to Prophet Muhammad (A.S)???

    Ayesha forced her parents to take her to the Prophet's home to marry him

    If they can fall for someone and be fine with it
    Why can't you?

    You can still be dedicated to your faith but also be in love

    But in my opinion
    Place the boy you like in the back of your mind and give it time

    You are still young and need to be educated
    Expecially the boy.
    He needs to be educated enough to get a job
    And support you. That's the important thing

    Give it the test of time

    If he keeps contacting you
    Keep your distance
    Be polite
    But tell him you want to see if he can be serious enough
    To wait till marriage

    Not to be rude
    But how are you sure that he's not talking to other girls?
    Have you seen his phone
    His fb inbox?

    Let's put him to the test

    make a fake Facebook profile with the picture of a very beautiful girl

    and tried to flirt with him and see how he reacts

    if he says that he's engaged

    then that's a good sign

    but if not then that's a bad sign

    you can also ask him if he is in a relationship or not

    But don't let him know it's you. Never.

    Good luck

    • Sorry but taking the time out to make a fake profile is the most immature thing to do. Allah sees what you do at all times. It's best to stay away from trivial matters such as that. How can you build trust for someone after doing that? Food for thought. ☕️

    • Most wise reply. Kudos reshme. Got lots to learn from u.

  2. I always have wanted to marry young. I'm happy for you that you might have actually found someone that you actually think is good for you on top of that is religious. It might be stupid but in my opinion I think you should talk to him in a distant manner like politely but let him not then there's nothing gonna happen marraige and not even in conversation. And most importantly let yourself know that. Loving someone is not haram what you do with that live makes it haram or halal. May Allah bless you sister. Love you for Allah's sake. Jazakallah

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