Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am not able to forgive myself for my behavior…

Best among you

Assalamu alaikum

May Allah have mercy on everyone here. Ameen.

I am posting here because I really don't know who to turn to and this is killing me inside. I am a revert since 2 years now alhamdulilah and I have been trying hard to stay on the path. I do lose track sometimes and the worst is when I do so with my mother.

Its only in this Ramadan that I told my mother about my reversion. She naturally did not react well to it but over time she has come to accept it gracefully. I belong to a very broken home. My mother has faced a lot from my dad. She was duped into marriage by him and being from a broken home herself she has had a hard life throughout.

My reversion came as a big shock because I am her eldest and she expected a lot from me. Having faced disappointment from almost all quarters of life, this was like the last straw.

I want to give dawah to her and bring her to Islam and to our Lord inshaAllah (please make a small dua for my mother's guidance here)

The problem is my personality and my inability to give proper dawah. This has resulted in tension every time religion is mentioned. Some times I have tried my best to have sabr but many a times it was a lost battle.

One of the biggest problem that my mom faces is that she has a certain level of the victim mentality. Now I know this may be because of having an open heart and getting hurt by the dunya. It may have made her bitter. One thing she does that bothers me is that whoever hurts her or seeks her help, she backbites about them. She is not a bad person mind you but its her way to blow steam or share her heart out and she tells all of this to me and my sis.

I didn't have a problem until its normal gossip (I know this is wrong but I am working on her) The kind of backbiting she does sometimes crosses a line. It goes on to be a vicious and very poisonous and you start hating the person she talks about. And once that person is face to face she goes out of her way to host them. She is the best host and can shy a pious muslim when it comes to serving guests.

What pains me is her going from one extreme to the other. The most recent time she did this hurt both me and my sister. My sister mentioned that she will not welcome any more such gossip and this made my mother lose it completely. She considers this behavior as part of her nature.

We have had this convo with her before and she always feels we are not being accepting of her. But this only comes from a place of care and concern that if it makes her nasty behind people's back, she not open her heart so much. At this point I took over and tried to explain to her but my way of talking some how comes across as rude and condescending even though that's not the case.

I hurt her badly and this has happened a few times now even after trying hard a number of times to be accepting of her nasty gossips.

I am regretting this a million times over for not erring on the side of mercy. But it just kills me to see my mom being so engrossed in pleasing people. What I did and said is killing me so much for doing this to my mother, under whose feet is jannah and who Allah has commanded to be kind to.

I know Allah is forgiving and I am trying not to be sad and improve things between us but I am so disappointed with my harsh personality. I absolutely relate to Umar radiAllahu anhu's dua for gentleness.

I'll appreciate any suggestions about improving my personality and changing the way I correct things. Also how do I make my mother understand that backbiting is not a good thing. Like most ladies gossip is taken casually but sometimes she crosses her line. How do I help her?

This is a bit long but this is for my mother who is the most important person to me in this dunya. Allah bless you for reading this.

JazakAllahum khair for any advice you have for me.

crystal

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2 Responses »

  1. Salam sister.Read and understand.I am also a revert although i too come from a mixed up family but nevertheless i am muslim.Your story takes me back when i was in my 20s.I wanted best for my mom and dad too but as time went by i was fortunate to be with some big scholors who gave me advice and some wisdom.....My sister the companions also had similiar problems and the conditions at that time were severe.Also when the companions travelled to different parts of the world to spread this message.There are many biographies and hadiths that support this.The companions for eg. went to china.now they didnt speak the language of the people but because of there good character and honesty the people wanted to be like them..My sister you have to learn deen your whole life(seeking knowledge)being with the right company learning quran aswell as the language.We should always attend some lectures and courses.This will make your foundation.On the otherhand if we mix duniya such as t.v music talking with opposite sex we lose the blessings and the noor on are eyes face and most of all the Heart!Quran should be daily aswell reading some hadith and learn the masnoon duas eg. eating sleeping entering washroom etc... the common duas! Now for your mom we have to be smartand wise.You see everything is in Allahs hand and we should understand this.That Allah is the doer and knower of each and everything in this entire universe..and so on......The prophet said there are 2 things if we can control them we will enter inshallah to paradise.One is your private parts and the other is your tongue and the prophet held it. If you are going to say something say withe good words other then this remain silent
    .Islam is based on actions not lip service.So character is very important .A person can look or act pious but if he treats people badly or talks to them disrespectively then he is not a true believer.So when it comes to your mom or anyone you must be quite and remember Allah at all times.Remember the devil is ever ready and present when you stop the remeberance of Allah.His job is 24hrs dawat inviting man to be bad and sinful .This his purpose.You have a purpose also and that is to be a role model or a diamond for humanity.By being the best person in your career or job as a wife as a friend .No matter were you go your smiling and shining people do notice this because you are a representative of God! So learn Iman and build your career so you can be independant and if you seek marriage look for one who is a scholor and wordly educated .It is important in these times.The other concern that reverts fall into is the correct Islam?I have years of exper. and married a Alima from the u.k .I also got the opportunity to study different religions as well as the muslim sects.....This is very important because people think they find Islam and then they stop and listen to the first people who get hold of them.....The correct Islam is The Sunni sect. and you should follow 1 of the 4 major school of thoghts .They are all correct so we should not take one better then the other.I myself follow the Hanafi school of thought.So stidy well. The other point is auran will give you that peace and strenght.There tomany virtues of reading quran.eg.Quran is a light in this world as well as the next.It provides him rizq, blesses him in whatever he does whether its position honor status and most of all the quran will be a witness to your favour on the day of judgement...There tomany to list so read and master it.Another thing that crossed my mind read manzil incase someone or something is affecting you. eg jinn present within you.Sometimes we dont even kno it but it is most possible with your mom so be careful.Read manzil learn it for protection. be patient thry say dua is a weapon of a believer.But make sure you are praying salah

  2. Salam brother .

    According to me the best way to lecture her on backbiting shouldn't be direct. Rather you should firstly take steps to get more closer and kinder to her . Help her when she's working , when she's alone go massage her feet , talk to her with kindness , share jokes, share your good experiments , your successes . .. Once you're adjust with that , then speak kindly to her about backbiting , remind her of Allah swt and tell her to not carry the worries of this world .

    Seems like the barbarity that your mother has endured is so much , well it happens. If she's backbiting someone like that then that means your mother is in pain and the best way to remove the pain is happiness . Make her happy , please her so her pain would be reduced , when she back bites someone , pause a joke so her concentration woukd be diverted . .
    My mother is also a one of those who has suffered a lot in past years because of my father and because of all thst , the worry Ness nd depression has controlled her conciousd , she can't learn anything new , she gets very scared at very little things . And it became worse when she's alone and no one is there to share her grief .

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