Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance left me the very day she said she loves me!

BreakupAssalam u Alaikum,

I am 24 years old and am working as well as doing my MBA. About 5 months back, in November 2018, I approached an old friend from my Bachelors who runs her own successful show store for women and asked her if she would be interested in marrying me. She instantly agreed and both of us spoke to our parents. My parents visited her house and within a month both families agreed that they wanted to go ahead with the marriage. One final visit from our side was left with sweets and ring which would formally confirm that we will be marrying each other.

During this, both of us used to talk to each other constantly all day and late at night and on weekends we used to meet each other. We also got close and intimate a few times even though I wasn't comfortable, but I went ahead because I was very attracted to her and also because I started seeing her as my wife to be since both of us loved each other and our families had also happily agreed so I decided to soften my rules of not being intimate before nikah. However, each time both of us agreed not to do it again. It was all going very smooth and beautiful. I also constantly reminded her about prayers and also tried myself to offer 5 times a day as I wanted the barkat of Allah (swt). Plus I used to hear lots of islamic lectures and share with her too and because of that I started having a very religious mindset much of which she didn't agree with.

I was interested in dawah and used to say this life is all fake real life is afterward, I might keep a beard etc etc. And she didn't agree. She said Allah gave us this life and gave us things to enjoy so we should enjoy our life and balance the dunia with the deen. I've never dated in my life because I always wanted to simply marry the person I love and my intention since day 1 was to get nikah done with her asap so that everything between us was halal, but due to cultural and financial situation, as I was in my first year of job, it was decided that we'd marry in about 2 years maximum.

However, just a week before we were going to visit her house for formal confirmation with sweets and ring, she started having doubts and decided that we weren't right for each other and weren't compatible. Even though the day she made the decision, the same day till morning she was expressing her love for me like she always did. She didn't say she didn't love me, but said its "tough" for her as well but she feels it won't work in the long term and its the "best for both of us." She said I'm a great person and my family is also very nice but she doesn't think it'll work.

I realize that I was impractical when I used to say that one shouldn't desire wealth in this world and should be very strict in religion even though I wasn't like that myself, but I just said those things because I felt that's how they should be. I probably scared her off. However, I am a wreck right now. I miss everything between us and I am constantly praying to Allah (swt) to bring us back together and that I will avoid all the wrong acts this time and will love her sincerely after marriage as well and will constantly pray for her hidayah as well. I love her very much and she does too, but she isn't willing to get back because she thinks it wont work.

Please pray for me that Allah unites us and makes us the best for each other. I love her very much and I cannot cope up with this. Its too hurtful because we had an amazing time together and I was so happy and excited to marry her and she was too. Don't know why this thought got stuck in her mind. Please make dua for me to be united with her soon and get married to her and Allah (swt) gives us a happy and successful marriage life together and unites us in Jannah as well.


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3 Responses »

  1. Ws

    Have you thought that she might be right in her assessment that you two are not compatible? You have been spouting virtues that you yourself do not possess and telling someone who is running a business in the hopes of making lots of money that the pursuit of wealth is not desirable.

    I mean what were you expecting her to do? She is probably thinking you're planning to be a useless layabout who is going to nag her about religion all the time and not provide for her and her children in the way she wants. So from her point of view she is correct to think that you two are not compatible. Now you say you were being disingenuous when you spouted off about being strictly religious but that doesn't negate one big compatibility problem between her and you which is your attitude towards wealth. From the fact that she cut you off she might have come to the conclusion that you are not someone who wants to improve his situation and therefore not compatible with her. You have not said this is not the case but that your attitude is that it is 'impractical'.

    If that is your attitude then you two are really not compatible and she was right to cut it off. Of course if your affection for her is such that it motivates you to do what she wants then it might still be worth pursuing her. But now, as she has already formed an idea about you, its going to be difficult to get that out of her mind. Perhaps you can demonstrate it by doing something that will impress her? Otherwise, I'm afraid the damage has already been done and its difficult to walk back from your situation.

    Next time I suggest you try to be yourself and not hold yourself up as some bastion of piety. Allah does not forbid the earning of wealth, there is so much good you can do with it, only that you should not be so obsessed with it that you forget your obligations to Allah.

  2. Salamualaikum brother,

    It is her loss. You were honest with how you feel and your heart is in the right place. It takes a real man to aspire to meaning and nobility rather than materialism. That is the essence of our deen. It is what makes one's ranks higher in the sight of Allah swt.
    I can imagine how painfully hard it must be for you right now but remember you put Allah swt and His Messenger PBUH over your love for the woman.
    Start doing istekhara daily. And continue to do it. Understand the words and see what happens. Do not think it's going to bring her back, although it might, you never know. What it will do is make you rise above this ordeal and seek your happiness in what Allah swt has destined for you.
    Remember if Allah swt has written this girl for you than no power or might can ever take her away. If she isn't destined to be yours than no power or might will change that.

    I am 42 years old now and I believe me I do understand your pain. However I can also assure you that you will rise above it if you seek the pleasure of Allah swt by doing istekhara.

    Ignore anyone who tells you what you said was a mistake. If it was honest than you're destined for much greater things in sha Allah.

    May Allah swt guide you and reward you with a spouse beyond your expectations aameen.


  3. Wallaykumasalam Brother,

    You say:

    "She said Allah gave us this life and gave us things to enjoy so we should enjoy our life and balance the dunia with the deen."

    Bro...her attitude toward life is correct. Islam is all about balance and moderation. What Allah prescribes for us in the five pillars helps us to lead a balanced life. We are not instructed to become nuns or monastics as some other faiths dictate. Our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended the same...He said that we are not supposed to spend all night in prayer, for instance. So do da'wah, but make sure you still have one foot in this world, enjoying what blessings Allah has provided you and helping those in need.

    Inshallah that will also help you find a more suitable wife. The advice by the above advisor to keep doing Istikhara is terrific.



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