Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mum is cheating on my dad

Worried girl, unhappy girl, anxious girl

Salam alaykoum

im 16 years old and I've known that my mum has been cheating on my dad with his cousin for 2 years now. I really don't know what to do , I just try to ignore it even though it is killing me inside . The first 4 months of finding out , I would just cry every night and make dua for my mum to fix up and try to get it out of my mind.ive noticed myself naturally distancing myself from my mum and getting irritated at her for everything she does because of knowing about this .

The thing that is hurting me the most is the fact that my dad is so innocent and has no idea what is going on and is such a good husband to her and is the best dad anyone could ask for. I really cannot let my dad know because of the problems it will cause and how much it will hurt him.

At first I would also listen in on conversations she has with him over the phone while my dad is working and she is alone in her bedroom. However I had to stop this because I would cry every time and I was scared my mum will catch me and I wouldn't know how to confront her about it if she knew that I found out. I found out about him by having a chance to go through her phone and reading messages . Also he lives in back in my home country , and wenever we go I can see the connection they have and it hurts to be the only one that knows. Recently she went to our country for a holiday alone , leaving me, my dad and sisters at home. I couldn't sleep in the night because I knew that her going alone meant she will be with him. And I know they have done stuff together due to messages and pictures I have discovered. So many times I would delete messages for my mum if she had probably forgotten because I was scared someone from my family would go on her phone when she isn't looking and find out and I didn't want anyone to know what was going on because of how much it will hurt them. One time , I got really frustrated when I went to our country , I wanted to kill him because of the damage he was creating and he would always talk to me and play around with me like nothing is going on which made me hate him even more but I would just pray and ask allah for help. The sad thing is , is that my mum is a arabic and Quran teacher and she still manages to do this. Also, my dad is a university teacher in Islam and a Quran teacher and sheikh , so imaan isn't a problem

I really don't know what to do and cannot take it anymore , I try to forget but I can't, every time I see my mums face , I know what's going on and it hurts so much. I pray to allah everyday for help and don't know how I can stop it before it gets out of control.

thanks for reading it , I really hope you have some advice

salam

  1. maryam
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9 Responses »

  1. Wallaykumasslaam Maryam,

    I'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through and the distress it is causing you. You sound like a very caring person who is genuinely concerned for her father's feelings.

    You say:

    "So many times I would delete messages for my mum if she had probably forgotten because I was scared someone from my family would go on her phone when she isn't looking and find out and I didn't want anyone to know what was going on because of how much it will hurt them."

    and

    "I pray to allah everyday for help and don't know how I can stop it before it gets out of control."

    Sister...while it hurts so so much and while your intentions are good in trying to protect your father from this knowledge, please know that your parents are grown adults who are responsible for their own behavior, and that it is not your responsibility to put an end to your mother's extramarital relationship. That indeed would be too much of a burden for you to bear. The best thing you can do at this time is to get help for yourself through seeing a therapist, as they are trained in helping people overcome such situations.

    Inshallah, over time, your mother will herself see the error of her ways.

    If in the meantime, you do not feel warm towards her as your describe, don't worry. Your feelings after having gained this knowledge are valid and natural, and you have the right to them. If they continue, therapy will help you cope, as well as occupying yourself with your own pursuits. Focus more on yourself during this difficult time, including your own life dreams and goals.

    May Allah answer all of your prayers very soon.

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • She dont need any therapy .She is fine and her anger is natural .Its her mother who needs to be stopped from extra marital affair .She is staying in an environment where her mother is behaving immoral and unislamic way despite being a Quran teacher .She is seeing a real hypocrite in form of her mother which is shocking for her.She don't need any therapy .

      Sister Maryam, I will suggest you to forward those messages from your mother mobile to your dad and let your dad deals with this situation .you might get some initial anger from mom but tell her it was too much for her to bear this uncofirtable situation and wanted your dad to handle this .I m sure when your dad starts handling this you will feel better and less stressfull .So go n first inform dad ..

  2. Maryam,

    Also, if you haven't already, I would recommend praying the Salat Al-Hajah, the prayer for a need. If you are not familiar with this prayer, it is a two-rakah prayer with Surah Al-Ikhlas as the first surah and Surah Al-Kaafiroon as the second. After the prayer, make dua to Allah. Allah always answers this prayer!

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. assalamualaikum maryam,

    i suggest you that you better tell your father since he is very good father and a very good husband he never desrved to be cheated.if your mother is well known about the punishments of the sin what she is doing your mother doesnt need to be have class on that still you can tell her to stop the things and tell your father and let give the choice to allah... may allah protect us all..aameen..

  4. Sister marram the best thing you can do is give your mum Nasiha (Islam, advice) as to what she is doing is wrong and punishable. Maybe not here but in the life hereafter unless of course if she repents and stays away from it. See how that goes first as you can't just stand there and do nothing knowing something wrong is happening.

    In the authority of Abu Sa’eed al-Khudree (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say, “Whosoever of you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then [let him change it] with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart — and that is the weakest of faith.” [Muslim]

    This above passage tells us as muslims we shouldn't be innocent bystanders when we see an evil taking place. Rather we should do something about it and ofcourse not able to do anything other than hate what is happening like yourself then that is the weakest of faith.

    So speak to your mum in private and tell her what you've seen and that it's not right and why it's not righ but by no means disrespect your mum.

    It will be best you read extracts from Quran And sunnah. She won't be able to disagree with your statements if you back it up with something from Quran and sunnah. She will reflect on her actions I'm sure.

    I hope it works out well for your family and your mum repents and changes for good ameen. Do let us know how it goes.

    Abdul

  5. I agree with nor in saying you must protect yourself first. You are the one most distressed in this situation and I think therapy with someone who is very good will help you overcome your trauma in this situation. I also wonder if perhaps you could cleverly ask your father without making it obvious. Eg, you could mention the scenario as if you saw it in a movie and then ask your father if he would like to know the truth if it were happening to him. Just an idea.

  6. Assalamalaikom sister,

    In islam it says, if u know of anyones secret, to keep to urslf and DO NOT share with anyone.
    1. No need getting therapy when this situation is still continuing, leave that for after ur mom gets caught, cos I believe things wil turn out ugly, u will need therapy then
    2.DO NOT tell ur dad, he is a muslim man, and they will take it VERY bad, and u never know he could end up killing ur mom (common with muslim men), so then u will loose both.
    I know ur hurtn big time, but keep praying and make lotsa du'uas, have faith and inshAllah all will work out for the best.
    I would suggest that u confront ur mom about this,and tell her how u feel,and tell her she has to put a stop to this once n for all,but before u do that, send pics/msgs from her fone to ur fone, that way u have evidence and make sure u delete those sent msgs. If she doesnt listen to u, after knowing u have proof, then threaten her, hpfly then she will stop. Make sure u put a pin to ur fone, and if u have email, send them to ur email as well, just a backup incase she takes ur fone of u or something.
    Stay strong, and hpfly this will help.
    If u do decide to confront ur mom, do it when its u two at home, and if u see ur moms anger building, quickly leave the house,give her space and come home when u know ur dad will be home. Hpfly ur dad will c something is not right, and he will take care of everything,without u having to tell him anything.
    All d best sister, my prayers r wit u and ur fmly.

    • as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

      SubhanAllah, had to comment after reading this crazy sentence: -

      "2.DO NOT tell ur dad, he is a muslim man, and they will take it VERY bad, and u never know he could end up killing ur mom (common with muslim men), so then u will loose both."

      I think you mean, "common among ignorant/impatient men", it has nothing to do with being Muslim or not. When my wife cheated to a lesser degree, believe it or not, I didn't kill her (a'oothubillah!); Rather we had a very emotional but peaceful conversation as adults. It bought us closer, but also made me weary and wake up from my innocence and deep love without reciprocation.

      However, please remember that ghira (jealousy) is good and recommended in Islam when it doesn't go too far...

      Narrated Al-Mughira:

      Sa'd bin `Ubada said, "If I saw a man with my wife, I would strike him (behead him) with the blade of my sword."
      This news reached Allah's Messenger (sallallahu `alayhi wassallam) who then said, "Are you people astonished at Sa`d's sense of ghira (jealousy)? By Allah, I have more ghira than he, and Allah has more ghira than I, and because of Allah's ghira, He has made unlawful, shameful deeds and sins (illegal sexual intercourse etc.) done in open and in secret. And there is none who likes that the people should repent to Him and beg His pardon than Allah, and for this reason He sent the warners and the givers of good news. And there is none who likes to be praised more than Allah does, and for this reason, Allah promised to grant Paradise (to the doers of good)."

      `Abdul Malik said, "No person has more ghira (jealously) than Allah."

      [authentically reported - Sahih al-Bukhari, book 97 (kitaab at-tawheed), hadith 44]

      Narrated Jabir bin `Abdullah:

      The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wassallam) said,
      "I saw myself (in a dream) entering Paradise, and behold! I saw Ar-Rumaisa', Abu Talha's wife. I heard footsteps. I asked, Who is it? Somebody said, 'It is Bilal '
      Then I saw a palace and a lady sitting in its courtyard (performing wudu (ablution)).
      I asked, 'For whom is this palace?' [The angels] replied, 'It is for `Umar.'
      I intended to enter it and see it, but I thought of your (`Umar's) ghira (jealously) and went away hurriedly."

      On hearing that, `Umar started weeping and said, "Let my father and mother be sacrificed for you. O Allah's Messenger (sallallahu `alayhi wassallam)! How dare I think of my ghira being offended by you?

      [authentically reported - Sahih al-Bukhari, book 62 hadith 29, book 62 hadith 30, book 91 hadith 40, book 91 hadith 42]

      It is not correct for a young girl to take matters into her own hands, rather it should be between the parents (adults) to sort things out and inshAllah come to an amicable, peaceful decision bi'ithnillah.

      And may Allah al-wasi' un-`aleem, al-wadood ur-raheem make our husband/wife and children the comfort of our eyes, and keep strong the bonds of marriage, ameen!

      was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  7. Talk with your mom. Ask here why she is doing is. Remember however, that you are still very young, and if your heart has not yet been touched by the fiery tempest of love you may have difficulty to understand the strength of desire to be with the person one loves. Even here on zawaj you can find many stories where one committed zina being unable to resist.
    Of course the correct way would have been if your mother had come clear and asked for divorce when she fell for another man to be with him. My guess is that your mother already had a child, when she fell in love with another man and she had to make a choice: staying with you, or leave for another country to be with the man she loves. She chose you.
    When you get older, you will experience more often that in life we sometimes have to make choices without the possibility to satisfy all our wishes.
    “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

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