I’ve been told to leave, but I cannot
Salaam,
First I just want to start of by saying MashAllah, I love the website and the information was very helpful. Me and my husband been married for over 3 years now and its my second marriage and his third. I'm 35 and he's 38 and I have a daughter from my first marriage (she's 8) but my husband has none due to his medical condition which I didn't know about till after we were married. He was on heavy depression medication and some others.
Now since we have been married he has cheated on me with many women and has abused me physically, verbally and emotionally. I have caught him in many lies regarding his cheating ways. He keeps a diary which was full of women stories, and from my understanding I think he is sex addict. We even went to marriage counseling and he got mad because the marriage counselor told him he needs serious help.
He refuses to support me financially. He blames me for not having kids; he has two dogs and he tells the ladies that I'm his dog sitter and not his wife. He has kicked me out of the house 13 times since we been married and gave me a big scar on my face that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. He won't go to the masjid with me or any where because he don't want people to know that I'm his wife. From my parents, to my whole family, friends and neighbors no one likes him and keeps telling me to leave him.
He got fired from his last job for stealing and flirting with women. Last time that he threw me out I lived with a family friend, and then he filed for divorce (which I kind of figured). When I refused to sign and totally ignored him, he called the masjid Imam to reconcile and the imam told me that my husband has no respect or love for me; but who knows maybe he will change. Allah knows.
I'm not allowed to touch his phone his laptop or be in the same bank account, and none of my family or friends are allowed to visit me at home. I found out he was in alcohol rehab before he married me; he will also call me names. My daughter tells me that she has dreams when he stabbed me to death. Since we have been home it's back to the same old him, he was good for couple of months but now he's doing the same things again.
He has joined the US military, and while he was gone for his training he would call and write. but now that he is in the military work program he won't call or write. So I called his commander to find out if he's ok since he has not called for a month now, and his commander told me that he told him that he was calling me everyday so his commander told him he's a liar and to call his wife to let her know you're ok.
Well, he called yelling and screaming-calling me names and saying that I'm crazy like always and it's always my fault. He tells me that if he divorced me I will regret it since this is my second marriage and no one will marry me. I was shocked with his response, but then not really.
I asked the Imam to call him and talk to him since it was my husband's idea to bring me home and see what's going on with him again, but the Imam refused to call him and said to me that I'm better off without him and that I should leave him before he gets back. But I told the imam that this is my second marriage and I don't want to give up, and I can't make it work alone; I don't want to leave and he's not here.
Because after all I'm muslim, and I have a daughter and I don't feel comfortable leaving without him being here. my parents are both over 60 and with medical problems. Since I've been married to my husband, my dad has had 2 heart attacks and he says it because the stress he has from my husband. My first husband left me pregnant for another woman, so when my husband now came to ask for my hand my parents didn't ask for any Mahr because they just wanted him to be good to me and my daughter.
I'm in position where I really don't know what to do anymore, I can't sleep because I have so much on my mind from him. Then I can't eat and I'm losing weight. Someone gave me a wazaif that I'm doing now that I started 2 days ago: verse 7 of al Mumtahinah 7 times in then Darood Paak 70 times then ALLAAHUMMA LAYYIN QALBA (mention husband's name) KAMAA LAYYANTAL H'ADEEDA LIDAAWOODA A'LAYHIS SALAAMU WA SAKHKHIR LEE KAMAA SAKHKHARTAR REEH'A LISULAYMAANABNI DAAWOODA A'LAYHIM AS SALAAMU WA ALLIF BAYNANAA KAMAA ALLAFTA BAYNA MUHAMMADAN S'ALLALLAAHU A'LAYHI WA AALIHEE WA SALLAM WA KHADEEJAH WA A'LAYHI WA AALIHEE WA SALLAM WA KHADEEJAH WA A'LIYYIN A'LAYHIS SALAAMU WA FATIMATAZ ZAHRAA-I S'ALAWAATULLAAHI A'LAYHAA YAA ARH'AAMAR RAAHIMEEN .
He blames me for getting fired from his last job, and says that the bar girls are better then me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Also someone told me to read surat At taghabun in odd numbers only after salat Ausr. I hope you can help me please!!!!!!!!!
fathima08
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Salam Sister,
I am sorry to read this. I am no one to tell you to leave but you should. For your safety and for your daughter and for the sake of your dad. Think about your daughter for a second. How all of this may affect her. If you don't stand up for yourself, she will never know how to stand up for yourself. You have been abused and hurt. Please leave this man. You're better off alone. I am very worried to what he can do when he comes back. With the military formation, he can be more dangerous. Please sister, leave for your daughter,and yourself.
Sister,
Sometimes it's hard as a comment submitter on this site, because many of us have been emotionally tied to another person and know all too well just how it feels to retain that blind hope against all advice of our family and friends.
Although my advice is short worded, it's that way because I know that no one will 'convince' you to leave your husband on this site. That must be YOUR choice. First, before you gain the courage to leave him, you have to build a plan in your mind of what you're going to do AFTER you're out of the house with your kids. It's not stepping over the river that is frightening... it's knowing that next stepping stone won't be slippery or fail you. Once you know that you have a solid plan that will take you far into your life apart from your husband, I suggest you make that big choice to pack your things and leave the house.
Your husband is serving overseas in the US military? I'm American and I sure would take your Imam's advice and get out before he comes back. Being in the military trains average men and women with compassion to look at life in a more calculated way, and desensitizes them a bit to some of their compassion. With a person like your husband, I think it just might push his behavior over the edge.
Good luck and God speek
Sister Stacy
What's up with all these sisters who just sit and accept abuse from their husbands? For God's sake, you have a daughter, and your father could die at his next heart attack - don't you worry about your child and parent at all? All the stress and trauma your horrible marriage is causing them AND yourself? I don't understand which part of your husband's behaviour that gives you a glimpse of hope that he's got potential to be a good husband. He obviously doesn't want to make your marriage work so why should you want to? You can't fix it on your own, sister.
You say your first husband left you for another woman - so there's a pattern with you getting involved with men who don't respect you. By the sounds of it, it's because you don't respect yourself enough to make it clear to these men what you will and will not tolerate from them. These men don't respect you, because you don't show them that you respect yourself. Some men have no conscience and see weakness and low self-esteem as something they can use in their own advantage: maybe it gives them satisfaction that they don't have to make an effort with you, but can still count on you to be their wife. Until they don't want you anymore, that is.
Sister, please...you're worth so much more than this, honestly! Don't you ever think about what kind of STDs your cheating husband could be bringng home in to your bed? You can't be sure that he practices safe sex with all these women he's cheating on you with...if you contracted AIDS, how would you explain that to your little daughter and your family? If your husband one day beats you with sharp objects that could kill you, how do you think your daughter will like it to lose her mother like that? Please...don't worry about this being your 2nd marriage...first of all, he's been married 3 times himself, already! And second of all, it's better to be divorced for the 2nd time, happy and safe and not subject your family to stress than to stay in such a "marriage", that's not even a proper marriage. There are no rules in Islam that says you can't get married again, some day, if you find a good Muslim man, inshallah :). Just get away from this horrible man, this awful marriage and focus on building up your self-esteem. When you start to really value yourself, maybe a man will, too.
salaam
my dear sister
first of all pack your bags and go to your parents
second go to that imaam and get your divorce
third go through a solicitor and get the divorce of the country your in
NOW THE IMPORTANT STEP
it does not make you selfish to think about yourself first BUT you know what it is important that you put yourself first couse if there is no you you cant do anything for anyone True very much so especially for your daughter who is dependent on you
GET SOME COUNSELLING IT IS SO IMPORTANT FOR THE ABUSE YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AND RESPECT YOURSELF AND TRUST YOURSELF AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL LEARN TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF GO TO SELF DEFENCE CLASSES KICK BOXING IS A GOOD ONE it will build your self esteem confidence respect and so on re-train your mind to what REALLY IS the norm and what is not because from what you have written you can't see what is right or wrong the norm
AND YOU KNOW WHAT just couse of your age or the amount of times you have been married or what ever it does not mean that you wont find someone good to marry you AND LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE
i hope you take on what i have said and one other thing try to understand the Quran and surah NOOR
my prays are with you and hope you make the right decision before it is too late (before he takes your life or your daughters life or both) don't be like me that i took the decision but not before he took the life of my unborn baby by hitting me but at least i got out before he took my life or the life of my two beautiful children
Allah Hafiz
you are a brave woman, fozia.
Sister I am really failing to understand something? How did you even get to know and marry this guy in the first place? He seems so socially inept and dysfunctional that it wouldn't even be possible to hide such things!
You are also disregarding everyone's advice and signs by staying with this man. Your daughter is having dreams of him killing you asthugfirullah! Leave this sick sick man for everyone's good. Hopefully he will have some time to himself to think about what has made him so mentally sick and resolve his own issues without destroying someone elses life
People are good actors. You really cant judge someones character in a few mahram assisted meetings. Unless you spend a lot of time with them you wont see their true colours! Sadly marriage is a big gamble...
It is indeed true that many people are good infact great actors, few mahram asisted meetings will never help, therefore we have this thing called as community assistance where we ask the family, relatives, friends, teachers etc of a potential partner about their character, religion etc and then make a decision to whether marry or not, but marrying only upon meeting once/twice/thrice without proper background check is a naive decision/act. It is also interesting that I've seen/heard many cases which resulted in fights, arguements, divorces etc etc where a couple 'dated' for few years or so and then marry ('love marriage'), for them it is also difficult to judge each others character, only after marriage their true color is exposed. Normaly, when two people 'dates' they will try their best to be a great person just to achieve one goal ( oh how many superficial people have I seen doing this western culture of 'dating' lol...they are not their own selves at all lol, in some cases they even change their accent lol...for how long can they hang on to that ? Only till marriage 🙁 ). Basically, no one can judge a character because some people who is an extreme evil man can one day be a religious man and vice versa. A gamble indeed. Therefore, we have to put in lots of efforts and hardworks with regards to marriage. It really shouldn't be a quick decision neither should it be based on looks, but character and religion. Sadly, I wonder how can the OP miss out that her husband is an alcoholic, womanizer, agressor etc etc an extremely evil and terrible person indeed, I mean, a few phone calls and efforts or asking his friends or work place or etc WILL hint at his evil character, character can never be invisible lol when its done as openly as the OP's husband. Sad.
@ OP- Divorce your Husband ASAP before more harm falls on you.
Sister
Usually the imam advices women to be pateint when the husband is mistreating them or asks them to try to reconcile BUT in your case the imam is telling you to leave! Isnt that telling you something!
I understand how you are feeling now sister. The love you feel for a man who is voilent to you is not love its insecurity desperation, fear of the future, fear of being alone, fear of never having a husband again. Ive been there and i had to make the toughest decision my life to leave my husband. But my husband was not as bad as yours.
I felt really depressed a couple of months but alhamdullilah now i feel so much better i feel like ive come out prison! Im not chained to this abusive man anymore. I dont have to worry about him anymore and my family and friends feel more peaceful too. I can start rebuilding my life again.
I still do get upset that i may never find a good man who will accept me and my children. But whatever allah has written for me will happen.
Look think about it whatever happens after your divorce will be a million times better then what you are going through now! You are also putting your daughter at risk. Your no.1 priority should be her well being not this voilent excuse of a man!
He is a nasty piece of work. I pray you find the courage to leave him ASAP! May allah help you.
Salaams Sister,
I am sorry to hear of your suffering but even more dismayed that you continue to allow this to happen to you AND your child! Please, do you love your daughter? Of course you do! But do you think she believes so when she is subject to this misery and her childhood is being blighted. Plus nightmares of her mother being murdered!
This person will only get worse and your passive acceptance of this mistreatment is certainly helping that happen. Sorry to appear harsh, but if you have put up with this abuse so far and you know he has cheats, please relocate your self respect and run! There's a great article on this site about adultery where it says when one engages in this evil practice, they are in a state of kuffar!
It is your ego that is preventing you from doing the right thing. It's not like there is a glimmer of hope to even work on. Are you really concerned what people think as you have been married before? People will always think, so what! It seems like you rushed into this matter. However, you cannot stay put.
Read all these comments again and again except that ridiculous nonsense book recommendation and please tell us that you have left! Get packing!
Sister,
How much more are you willing to endure?! This is not a marriage at all. If anything...I am very concerned with your daughter at this point and her safety around this man. This man is not going to change...not for you...not for anyone. Pack your belongings and go home to your parents. Do not use the fact that this is your second marriage to stay with this man. He is abusive and mean towards you. You don't need him and the sooner you realize that...the better.
Salam
Sister Fatima,
One more thing I forgot to mention. Look at women who are living in poverty stricken countries. They have to rely on their husband for everyhing as they cannot study or work. Some of these husbands make their life hell but the wife has to tolerate it as she has no other option. if she leaves him she and her children will die without food and shelter. Even their parents cannot support them as they are struggling themselves.
Allah has blessed you with money and shelter and plenty of opportunities to be independent. Why are you opting for a life of misery when you have a CHOICE!
You hold the key for yourself and your daughters happiness. If not for you get out of this for your daughter.
Also If you can please let us know what is happening as we are all very concerned about you and your daughter.
I pray Allah helps you get out of this misery.
thank you for all the advices. my husband contacted me through text messages not phone call. asking how i was doing and that if i needed anything or talk to call him?! i was very upset because he didnt call me for 2 months and now he is pulling this on me. so then he starts talking dirty asking me to talk dirty to him. which made me so mad. so i told him to go to hell and that he is stupid. so then guess what he says he sent me a gift and that i will get it this week which i got yesterday. he sent me a sex toy! yes he did. then also i get his phone bill that he has no idea about that's been coming to the house. he used 100 minutes 23 picture message and 818 text messages in 10 days and guess what my phone number was no where to be found. and what the hell im doing still here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????
Salam Sister,
Where is your family? Can you reach out to them for help? You don't need to live the way you are for any man. Reach out to your family for their support and guidance. The reality is, when we women stay silent...this sort of behavior only tends to get worse over time. If you have not involved them, you should. Only then are they able to intervene and help you (and from the sounds of it, you need all the support you can get).
Salam
Salaam everyone,
I called the imma again because I have been very stressed out and I haven't slept for days now or even feel like eating with all this drama going on. My 1st husband and I never dated it was mostly arrange My 1st husband who left me for someone else, that women left him too but they were never married and she was hindu girl. Spoke to the girl and she was shocked to even know that my husband was married to me. Now my ex husband been single for 8 years and so is his sisters. And they ask me to forgive them because they think that because of me they can't get married but I said to them I forgive you long time ago but I can't forget what you did to me and our daughter. My husband now, we never dated before we got married. He saw me at someone's engagement party and next thing I know, he showed up at my door asking my parents for my hand, we did ask around but who is gone tell you that I'm bad person. I didn't even ask for mahar because all I asked for him to bee good to me and my daughter that's all. My mom is sick now so is my grandmother, that's why I don't want to say anything to anyone in my family to stress them out. Now my husband is accusing me of cheating on him because I'm ignoring him. I'm a very friendly person and have lots of friends who are really great support and now its to a point where I don't want to say anything to them. My husband asked me once if I had any friend who would sleep with him, while I was lying next to him. So that's why now I even distant myself from them too.
Assalam'alaykum,
Now hows your situation ? Has anything changed ? Please tell me you've left that dirty man.
my husband text me last night saying he is coming in couple of weeks since last night im scared and didnt sleep good at all 🙁
Dose anyone know about these medications my husband takes them and I don't know how he still got in to the us military??!!!!
ADDERALL XR 30 MG
LEXAPRO 20 MG
SEROQUEL 25 MG
clonazePAM (KLONOPIN) 0.5 MG
DEPAKOTE ER 500 MG
google them. My husband is a pharmacist but I couldn't tell ya. We have TONS of meds around the house, enough to make anyone raise an eyebrow, until you realize that they're only blood pressure, anti acid, iron supplements, etc.
I did and still don't understand how can they take him in the services :/
Assalaamualaikam
Sister, you have said that this man is verbally and physically abusive, controlling of you, dishonest, and that you are frightened of him. In my opinion, you should leave. Not just for yourself but for your daughter.
If you live in an area where the police can be relied upon, you can contact them and explain your situation - they should be able to assist. I would also advise that you find a good lawyer who knows sharia law and national law, to ensure that you and your daughter are protected and have your assets protected.
The medications you listed are psychiatric meds used to treat a range of conditions including depression, bipolar disorder and psychosis. Having mental illness does not mean someone is a bad or dangerous person, but it is not an excuse for the way he is acting.
Please keep us updated.
Midnight moon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Well I started looking for apartment today and just scared with all this drama. I called my brother last night and told him that i wanted to end this marriage and he said this is the 1st time I heard you make some sense and I'm here to help you no matter what. He side we will have to talk to my parents 1st. I called my parents and my dad was really glad to hear that and he said to me that since I pray and read quran and have faith in only Allah then i will be fine because Allah never hurts his people. But I don't understand how can he still got in the us military with being on these medications. My brother said he most probably lied on his paper.
Sister,
It's really nice to know that you have your family behind you on this. I hope everything works out for the best.
Salam
My family has always been telling since they found out the way he treats me and my father says no woman deserves to be treated like that. But its me who is always worried because I been through it before and I have a little girl and that's my biggest worry. Allah knows I would love if my marriage would work but it takes too. And I can't do it alone any longer, I'm getting sick with it my health my stress level is going crazy and I lost so much weight I can't sleep any longer. He's been telling the dog sitter that he's reining his life with me and he will do whatever he wants no matter what. And he will have to deal with th consequence then call me names won't say my name, going around saying he slept with so many women and I don't know because I'm stupid. If saving my marriage is an stupid act then I guess I'm stupid after all. But I thought that's what a wife does anyways she saves her home. But I learned this now that this home was never mine in the 1st place. So i have to let go. I pray that Allah is watching all this and not for my sake but my daughters sake he makes him regret this one day and its gone be too late then.
@fathima08 - what is this ?? "Someone gave me a wazaif that I'm doing now that I started 2 days ago: ......" ??
Is there any reference from Quran or sahih hadees about this ?
Did you ask that person for the reference from either Quran or Sahih Hadees. By the way what is wazaif ?? is it in accordance with the Quran and Sunnah . ?