I still love my online ex boyfriend
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, Brothers and Sisters.
May Allah bless you all and all of your beloved people, ameen.
Hi, I am a regular visitor of your helpful website masha Allah. I am 21 years old girl come from Southeast Asia. I am studying my 2nd year study in University. I wear hijab since I was 17 and currently decided to wear abaya completely , no more jeans and pants. Yet I have big secrets in my heart and I feel very sinful of my acts. As I remember I have had wild fantasy about sex since I was 5 years old and grew with this habit. However I was good in study and never got close with any boy.
Two years ago I met up someone online from Pakistan and we became lovers soon after, , he is 20 years old now. We were so in love with each other that we stayed our chat applications tuned 24 hours. We could talk about many thing such as family, my study, his work, so on including sex to be honest I used to aroused him with my fantasy. We could not be away from each other and I feel so attached to him. I really liked him, I know he liked me too and said that he wanted to marry me no matter what. I was really very happy to love and be loved by him such a simple and sweet baby.
After seven months passed, we got a big dispute. I found he made new id and added many girls there that in another side he didn't allow me to keep anybody except him in my id. He said so sorry to me that he cried. He took his pics while crying so that I forgave him. We fought yet we always made up.
I found he cheated on me again by deceiving one of his (B) ex girlfriend with a fake id in order to be her boyfriend and being close with a married woman (C). I told him you can not talk with this married woman, she is married, she should not chat with a stranger. He asked for my forgiveness and promised not to do this again. He gave up all of them by making new ids for both of us. he said "I do it all for you, If you are still unhappy then be ashamed on you". I agree and we were two alone meeting thru our isolated ids. I know that relationship out of wedlock is haram and this love in my heart is haram. But I can not be apart from him i wish him to marry me soon.
My parents know about him. They abused and forced me to end up chatting with him. They think that I am crazy because I used to cry over a cellphone. But I insisted and secretly talked to my love.
A month after that, the married woman (C) called him because she missed him and she said that she hated him (I don't know for sure why) then I told him that she should not have used her husband money to make a phone for you. Are you more important than her husband or what? He said it was not his fault he didn't know it was her. One of his ex girl friend that always hurt me (A) found out my id and asked me to give my ex bf's id to her because she said that she wanted to say something to him. I gave him and they talked to each other. He then changed his id again because he didn't want to break our commitment to be secluded from other users. In fact she was devastated to get the fact that my ex bf left them all for me and she told me about what they two talked about that day. She said that my ex told her that he loves her too but he can not leave me. I got so upset with these all I don't know what he wants by this. I was so devastated and cried all time and asked him to break up. Before I left all contacts with him, he always questioned me do you have any boyfriend now? or for whom do you come online? or even he called me bad names. I do not wish to have any boyfriend or get to know any boy else I want him only. Sometime I feel so sad and asked him to come back to me. But whenever I asked him that he must reject me similarly whenever he asked me to come back I pretended to reject him. I cried a lot and lose my weight 7 kg.
I feel so bad whenever I remember my ill behavior towards him. Whenever I read something about generosity and forgiveness and trust I feel that I was not a good companion for him in fact I burden him. I pray Allah makes him my future husband inshaAllah.
Now it has been 5 months we broke up and he has a new girl friend who is 10 years old elder than him since then . He once ever asked me to come back to him because he said he still believes that I am the best for him. But I rejected him because I don't want to betray his new girlfriend and It would be bad for me to cheat behind someone, I can not be the second too as well. All of girls above come from the same country as mine. And I feel that the closer I am with him the more impossible I feel him to marry me. I try hard to forget him I repent to Allah for all of my sins and my bad behavior and all hurts I created for my parents. I let him go and started getting closer to Allah by fulfilling obligatory salah, dzikr and tilawat. But now I miss him again i can not lie with my heart that I really love him. I do not have spirit to do ibadah again because I lost him and know that he is with someone else .
May Allah forgive me and reward my parents for all they do for me. And these days I only spent my days in my room and do not eat properly. I want him to know that I miss him but I do not wish to degrade my dignity by pleading him to listen to my feeling. Down in my heart I ask the best for everyone and for me, because I know I have hurt my feeling and others too for very long time. His ex girlfriend (A) also still loves him dearly and I am sure she is hurt a lot somehow I feel pity for her. She is a friend of mine in a social network now.
I got very bad marks and missed my classes continuously. The reason is because I have no order in my life. Currently i found it's called as 'Chaotic Disorder'. I have problems with my parents too, I am not open with them about my study and anything I face. I feel so lonely I have no one to talk to because I live alone in a boarding house due to study. My father told me if I fail again in this semester he will get me resigned from my university. I know I am going to fail now I do not know what to do.
I have habit of masturbating too when I miss him I would think of doing it. I have ruined my parents' hope of me and my future. I never think of suicide but really I am so tired. I want to love Allah more than him and my hopes of this dunya. I start thinking that it is not possible for me to forget him astaghfirullah. I am sorry this is too long. Please help me I ruined myself.
Tauba
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Assalamu alaykum Sister Tauba,
A lot of youngsters go through what you are going through as well. Hardly anyone is secure from falling in traps of Shaytaan except those who know it is evil and keep away from it.
No 1. Leave internet social networking if you have no need for it. This was the cause of all this Fitna at first.
The Prophets and their companions of all times lived life and they could manage their lives and thousands of miles journey without modern tools of social networking and communications. We too can manage. Trust me, in this modern world also we can live without being a part of all unnecessary modernities.
Sister, you seem to be a good Muslim girl, clean at heart and ready to accommodate someone in your heart. You are right about things being forbidden for us in Islam. You know all this quite well Masha Allah.
Leave your feelings for someone Insha Allah you would marry.
The guy seems to be on the constant look out for women, which is not a good sign.
My advice is you leave all this and concentrate on ibadaah. Now is the for the other ibadah, the ibadah for asking something is constantly for that worldly thing which we want, but the other ibadaah free from any greed, any wordly demand, but for victory in the world and aakhirah is the ibadah insha Allah which you shall do now. Insha Allah you can do it.
49. Man tireth not of praying for good, and if all toucheth him, then he is disheartened, desperate. - Surah Ha Miim Fussilat.
Pray to Allah for a good dunya and good akhirah. Pray salaat for Him, give zakat for Him, give charity for Him, feed the poor for His sake, fast for His sake, and live for the sake of Allah.
Leave unnecessary use of internet, pray to Allah, trust Him and leave all your matters to Him.
Insha Allah this will serve your purpose.
Salaam,
Your brother.
As salamu alaykum, sister Tauba,
You haven´t ruined anything, you just have to move in other direction, get up of that box, stop internet unless is to learn or work on something and live your life, because nobody else can do it for you. Your parents may get annoyed when you fail your exams but they will welcome you to life.
You are young and you need to eat, first, if you starve your body, your brain is starving and darkness has the proper soil to build up misery, you don´t want this.
You have to eat, 7 kg is a great loss in a young girl studying, eat five meals a day, you don´t need to eat huge quantities, eat balanced (cereals, vegetables, animal/vegetal protein,fruits, drie fruits), to be alive and to have good quality of life, we need to eat.
Once you begin to eat you will have strength to exercise, study and take care of yourself and your full life.
Don´t put names to what you are going through, because your subconcious will work to make everything you believe, real, then if you believe this is Chaos, you will have Chaos. Then stop this attitude and act, move, to get out of that bubble of Chaos you have created for yourself, the way is taking care of your basic needs, physical, emotional and spiritual needs and if you think you cannot do it alone, tell your parents to take you to the doctor and look for counselling, you have to get out of there and live the life a young woman deserves.
Physical: Breathing, relaxing, eating and exercising. You can join a yoga group, tai chi or chi kung group, will be good for you.
Emotional: Family, family , family and halal friends. Go to your masjid, teach the children, join a group to learn about your deen. Love your parents, hug and kiss your mother, be closer to them, share your life with them, ask them for help.
Spiritually: Pray your salat on time, listen to the Adhan, if you have the opportunity, get closer to Allah(swt), love Him to the marrow of your bones, go back to Him, ask Him for help and guidance, say Bismillah when you eat, say Alhamdulillah for all your blessings, say Insha´Allah, for what is coming, .... These are some inspirational readings from IslamicSunrays.com:
http://islamicsunrays.com/every-day-do-your-best/
http://islamicsunrays.com/knowing-who-to-believe/
http://islamicsunrays.com/i-asked-allah-for-strength/
Stay away from that man as far as you can, the time you dedicate to daydreaming take it to pray dua, dikhr, read the Quran, learn the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes, to go deeper in your deen, if you consider you don´t have enough, you have your studies and many other activities you can begin with. Put in front of your eyes, a : "Yes; I want to live my Life, I am unique and I am the only one that can do what I came to this world to do", insha´Allah, you wake up the sparkle that will move you to the Straight Path.
You have a link on dua and tawbah on top of the page, both of them will be useful for you.
All my Unconditional Love, respect and support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I am sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are undergoing but there is still light at the end of this tunnel.
First, I want to congratulate you that mashAllah you took the right decision (although it may not seem this way right now) of dumping him. This guy is neither worth your time nor your feelings and especially not worth sacrificing your akhirat (no one is!). You see this guy was taking you off track; you met him and from thereon through talks of love, desires, etc you slowly began sharing your sexual desires with him, this masturbation problem, and so on. In addition, you kept getting hurt because this guy is a serial cheater.
I can assess through what you’ve written that this guy is not suitable for you or for any woman actually. He seems like he’s very far his deen and he was taking you away from it also. My dear you say you want to marry him “InshAllah”. Do you really want to marry a cheater, someone whom you can’t trust? You’re so hurt before marriage in regards to his infidelity; do you honestly think it would stop after marriage? Trust me, it wouldn’t have, it would have gotten worse. This guy leaving you is a blessing in disguise. Thank Allah swt immensely. You may not see the positives right now because you are on the path to healing but slowly once the emotional clouds disperse and your logic peeps in again you will begin to see light at the end of the tunnel, you’ll begin to see hope again.
Another thing I’d like to point out is that I’m extremely proud of you that you didn’t go back to him and degrade yourself, many girls do that and end up making themselves look like fools. Through this I know that you’re very strong mashAllah and you can do it. Never look back and whenever you miss him speak to Allah swt. Not too long a go, I was undergoing some dilemma in my life and whenever I was very upset I would perform wudu and sit on the prayer mat and just speak to Allah swt just like I would speak to a friend. I told Him exactly how I felt although He knows what I feel but expressing it in my own words made me feel better. I thanked Him for intervening and giving me a solution that I could have not taken otherwise and asked Him for strength, patience and to help me overcome this test inshAllah. He is my sole source of strength so my dear start building your connection with Him. If you are not already doing so, please begin your 5x salat, no matter how difficult it may seem. Once you create a channel of connection with your creator, you will see how cathartic this can be.
I’m also sorry to hear that you are not close with your family but why not initiate communication first? Tell your mother how difficult this time is for you and that you realize it is only due to your own wrongdoing to your soul that you’re suffering the consequences today but now you need solutions. You are grieving but you need a support system, you need them. She may taunt you a bit, even lecture you but rest assured this anger will dissipate and her love will come forth. Most mothers are like that so don’t let this deter you from going to her and seeking her love inshAllah.
Lastly my dear sis, please take good care of your health. Look at this guy, he cheated you numerous times, hurt you so much, and then moved on within 5 months to a next girl (asking you on the side to maintain a relationship—just goes to show again that he’s a serial cheater). Why are you harming yourself for this piece of filth? I know you’re grieving over your loss and this is completely natural but my dear in this process do not harm yourself physically also. If you can’t eat your proper meals try to eat little portions of it. At this point since you lost so much weight, eat anything you like—ice cream, chips, candies, etc but of course healthy foods to balance your diet also. Just don’t starve yourself please, and Ramadan is coming soon inshAllah so you really want to get your body healthy and prepared for the long fasts. Do not punish your body; it needs its essential nutrients.
I pray that Allah swt eases your pain, gives you the strength to overcome this difficult situation and shows you the good in leaving this guy, ameen.
You will overcome this phase my dear sister, but it will require patience and some time.
Just don’t give up and return to him inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Walaykum as salam, Helping Sister,
Masha´Allah, excellent advice, I just would like to point something out.
I know you want to encourage the sister to eat, but candies, ice cream and chips, are empty calories that don´t give any kind of nutrients, the body will keep starving, this kind of products won´t give her quality of blood what she needs now to take the right decisions and have the strength to move on, she needs food that is fresh, full of colour and "alive"( whole cereal, legumes, vegetables and fruits)to mantain the blood stream full of minerals, vitamins, carbohidrates, proteins, and all she need to feed her body. Her brain may like it when she takes icecreams and candies but just for the huge quantity of sugar you have on them, this is bread for today and hunger for tomorrow, we don´t want this, specially as you said, knowing that Ramadan is at the end of the corner.
I advice her again, to see the doctor if she feels this is too much for her.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You're correct sister Maria. JazakAllah khair for pointing that out :).
-Helping Sister
Tauba,
If you really want peace in your life, stay off the social networking sites. These guys chat up many women and get off doing so. It's all a game of cat and mouse. For every one that will talk to you, there are a thousand more right behind him. Don't waste your time, they simply aren't worth it. Want to marry? Talk to your parents, there are plenty of guys in the flesh who would love to find a great girl like you and you won't have to fantasize about sex, you can have it with your husband.
Salam
Sister you are to be blamed solely for your present state of afffairs. Did you take permission to do so from others no you enjoyed and now when in problem you are looking for moral support. Sister life is a bigger issue never stops and waits for none. Quran says allah doesnot change tha state oor affairs of a nation unless the desire to do so. You got into this mess you seek help from allah he will inshallah make it easy. The person you say you love is a big flirt misused your trust and confidence. Aperson who is never satisfied with one girl will never be with 1 million is like a dog putting its mouth in any available open vessel. He just seem to pass time and even found an alternative just think for a second if loyal trustworthy he would never hook onto other girls even after your break. So whatever happen i s for good its blessing in disguise you will never ever be happy with this flirt addicted to female relations without any bar for age status etc.. Just remember death, life will become easy i donot mean suicide. You seem to have good knowledge about islam but still turning a blind eye for your emotions. Allah has helped you by exposing the cheap guy its better late then never.
Jazakumullahu khaian my beloved sister and brother. now alhamdulillah I am doing better. may Allah note your help for me in your book of deeds as goodness ameen.
hey im a girl like you really want you to contact me pleasee ..please tauba contact me!
We do not allow the exchange of private contact info, sorry.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamu alykum
mera naam faeza he or me jise pasand karti hu uska naam ashish he..me jise pasand karti hu wo bhi muje pasand karta tha hum dono 2 saal tak sath rahe fir wo ladka mujse dur ho gaya ab wo mujse bat bhi nhi karta or me ph ya msg karti hu to bhi bat nahi karta me bahot dil se use pasand karti hu bas me itna chati hu k wo wapis mere paas aa jaye..plz dua karo mere liye..wo ladka ab muje ph bhi nahi karta he or agar me samne se ph karti hu to cut kar deta he me uske bina nahi ji sakti hu plz allah k liye mere liye aap dua kare...
Faeza, if the man you are talking about is not Muslim, then it is haraam for you to even marry him. Further, even if he is Muslim, you are not allowed to keep any personal contact with him.
What you feel is not love but a false feeling created by Shaitaan in your heart to take you away from Allah. Move on, this life is much more than this man, you have a lot more to see and do. You have a much greater objective, which is Allah's Jannah.
If you want any further advise, pleasr create a new post with further details (in English) and we will publish it on its turn, in sha Allah.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SAHAB MUJE ENGLISH NHI AATI HE..OR WO LADKA MUSLIM BANNE K LIYE BHI TAYYAR THA PAR ACHA NAK MUJSE DUR HO GAYA..BAS ME ITNA CHATI HU K WO MERE PAAS WAPIS AA JAYE..PLZ MERI MADAD KARO
Assalamualaikum faeza
tum ye apne sath kya kar rahi ho? Ye larka jo bhi tha tumhare jazbato ke saath khel raha tha aur tum ise sach samajne lagi. Aisa bohot hota hai ki log muhabbat jagate hai taki unhe apni ehmiyat auro ko jataane ka mauka mile, unhe tumhare armaano se ya jazbaato te koi matlab nahi hota. Ye behad khudgarz hote hai. Phir jab koi unke peeche daudey toh unhe khud par aur guroor hota hai. Tum usse ye maza dena band karo. Apne aap ko uske liye girana aur tadpana band karo. Tumhari is halat ke peeche aur bhi kayee wajah ho sakti hai jayse ghar ke haalat. Jab insaan khush nahi hota toh woh khushiyaan talaashta hai, unke peeche bhaagta hai. Na ye shaks tumhe khushi de sakta hai aur na woh tumhari mohabbat ke qadr kar sakta hai. Allah se dil laga kar dekho, tumhe kabhi mayoosi nahi hogi. Woh duniya ke sanam sa bewafa nahi.
Aenda english main likhne ki koshish karna. Yaha urdu aur hindi kam log samajhte hain.
Meri duay tumharay saath hai.