Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Imprisoned by my family for cancelling my arranged wedding

Young woman looking thoughtful, pensive

( female 23 years old)
Hey!
So about a year ago I was asked by my family and gotten engaged to a cousin of mine from back home in Pakistan. He was a decent guy and we started texting. We talked on and off for about 8 months but there was no spark it felt like we were talking because we HAD to. The thought of spending my whole life with him was so scary that I didn't let my mind wander in that direction. He is my khala son (mothers sisters son) so there was a lot of pressure to not mess things up. We would speak but it was just more of a hello how are you conversation. We were set to get married and two months before the marriage I reconnected with my ex. ( we went for a party and he was there too) We had broken up about 3 years ago but he was the love of my life. So we spoke and realized that we still love each other and he knew about my engagement. Soon after I spoke to my family (very traditional culturally driven Pakistani) I told them that I was in love with my ex (they knew we were dating earlier) and they completely flipped. I knew I had made a mistake and I knew I was hurting them and their izzat ( pride; which is the single most important thing in our community) and I apologized and told them to cancel the wedding as I couldn't go through with it. Soon after they became abusive towards me, locked me up in the house, I'm not allowed to see my friends and my entire family won't speak to me. I literally had to find an old phone and hide it to have communication with the outside world. So the wedding was cancelled and things are still the same as above. The man I love had his family speak to mine and ask for my proposal and my family (without even asking or telling me) rejected it and told them that we won't be interested even in ' a hundred years'.
My family doesn't have a valid reason to hate the man I love apart from the fact that some of his relatives married people of African decent so they are not 'pure Pakistani' now. Also when we broke up 3 years ago we had an arguement which I had told my family about and I feel like they are judging him on that basis.
I have been 'imprisoned' for about 4 months now and I do not know how much more I can take. My family doesn't speak to me and they are not people that I can have a decent sit down conversation with as they are very dramatic ( they pushed me literally outside the house when I said I want to marry this man). They say that I have killed their pride and therefore I should die and deserve to be raped and killed because I am a whore. They curse me constantly and sometimes I'm afraid these curses will come true. They pray for my death, they pray for my  unborn children's deaths and they pray I face suffering through out life.
The things they say have really mentally affected me in a way I can not describe. I know I have made a mistake but I couldn't go through with the wedding knowing I loved someone else.
what is the way forward? This man is the love of my life and he has tried to convince my family but they have literally blocked his number now. I can not live like this anymore as I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind. I sometimes contemplate running away or even suicide. I know so many girls go through this with their families and the pressure on our community to marry your cousin or marry someone of your parents choice is unbelievable.
Please advice me

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6 Responses »

  1. Its really heartbreaking to see such behaviour from your own loved ones.. I think you should contact your other relatives who can help you out in this matter.. Islam has given us the right to choose the partner we want to marry hence your parents behavior is not justified.. Also don't worry for the curses as Allah never fulfills anybody's curse which can hurt his creation.. You need to pray to Allah that you're parents heart melt and they happily allow you to marry the person of your choice also try to get help from elsewhere as well

  2. This is abuse. Where do you live? You should seek help. I am sorry to say that your parents are not mentality normal to cuss and curse their daughter because of what community and family members will say. You are being tortured in your own home by your parents. Oh God, please call the authorities before you are even more damaged. Force marriage is against Islam, don't listen to above poster, marry who your parents chose and you"lol be happy...BS!

  3. Sister: If you are in the US, you should contact the authorities or a women's shelter so you can leave your home, if you are unable to physically leave your home. That is a crime and the police should be notified. If your parents had any good sense, they should know that keeping a relative against their will is dishonorable. Not marrying someone is a personal choice. If you live in your home country, you should contact a trusted friend or family member to help you physically leave your home. Have you reached out to the man you want to marry? I would suggest you prepare what is called a Go To bag and put clothing, medicine, ID, credit cards and personal needs in a backpack or pillow case, so when you have the opportunity you can grab it and leave. You might consider faking a serious illness or say you will run an errand in order to physically leave.

  4. Salam.. ...Islam is not just your parents pride or just khandan ki izzat or so called marry a cousin tradition in here India and Pakistan.. .. Believe me if they push you out .. And if your ex really can marry you go ahead and marry him.. .And live happily with him. . ..Islam had given total right for a girl to marry a man of her choice

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    I had even been enprisoned .. .
    Same situation but the story was I convinced my parents rather so hard. ...By even trying to commit suicide. ...
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    At last they agreed on their terms and conditions. .. .even then we were ready on those conditions. ..
    But they can't.. . Coz Indian AAnd Pakistani parents thinks... If they listen to their childrens.. And fulfill their desires and listen thier expectations it's their Insult
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    Do help your self and live on your own.. .
    Okay... .
    You are old enough to decide and care of your self.? ..
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    If your happiness is nothing to your parents .
    Gthan why you are concern.. ..
    If they do care.. .
    They'll accept you. And will say family and society that you did it your self. ..
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    No parents what to get blamed. ..
    Try your self And get blamed... .
    Any how u r getting blame do it and experience the change. ..
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    Good luck. ..
    May allah help you ... .
    I decided to leave when I was at your situation And now am settled and happy. And my parents are good with me and him.. ..
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    Don't worry just do it.

  5. Salam,

    You could try reaching out to an Imam to see if he has advice or can talk to your parents. I hope things work out for you.

  6. assalam alaikum sister first you should ask allah for help and tell me the person you loved is muslim???if so then please ask allah for help pray five times if not five then atleast the most you can pray but please make connection with allah almighty and if you had then take no tension i will pray for you this is the one of the most difficult situation you are in so do not worry allah is with you.

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