We agree to marry in two years but we are getting too close.
I've recently accepted a proposal from a good friend of mine whose intention is to marry me. I was first very hesitant since I knew that being in a relationship before marraige is completely wrong but knowing him as my friend for so long, I gave in thinking he was the best guy for me.
We've been together as a couple for about 5 months now. Our families have talked and have suggested that we get married after two years. Our families actually don't even think that we are in love with each other. They only know that we like each other enough to be considered for marriage. I was fine with that idea since I still have a long way with school (im gonna be 21 this year)
Since our parents have talked, my friend thinks that it is okay for us to meet alone and be a couple. I agreed but slowly I'm starting to realize that we're getting very close in our meetings....probably crossing the limits of Islam. I do not want to sin. I want to get married as soon as possible so that I don't accumulate any sins while I am with him. But he thinks that the proper time for both of us to get married will be after two years since he will be financially stable at that time.
I've also talked to him about us not meeting alone but he feels that if Islam is the reason we shouldn't meet alone then we shouldn't even talk to each other during this two year period bcuz he feels that is also wrong. But how can this be if we live in the same city and we love each other so much and having being alone with each other b4 the desire will always pull us back in. Not talking for two years sounds scary and not even possible. Please tell me what I should do in this situation.
Every time I come back from our meeting I am extremely guilty that I have been spending time with him n hugging n kissin when all of that is not allowed. I repent to Allah but I feel I am not being forgiven because I continue with the sin. As soon as I make the decision not to be in contact with him, something pulls me back in. If our intention is purely to get married and our families are aware of this and have also agreed, is our meeting somewhat permissible? I just wanna mention that we will never go beyond kissing. We are mature adults....he is much older then me and knows not to hurt me in that sense. I just have a problem that we are spending time alone. Sometimes I see people who are engaged (and we practically are) and they are so easily spending time with each other. It's bcome such a norm nowadays but I don't know y I have a lot of guilt like Allah is not pleased with what I am doing.
I also have another concern. I heard that if a boy and a girl are in a relationship b4 marriage, their nikkah is not valid until they both repent to Allah for their disobedience and abstain from each other for a while. Please clarify if this is correct.
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Salaam sister.
You feel guilty for meeting him because what you are both doing IS wrong. It goes against the boundaries set by Allah swt.
The Messenger of Allah said:
"The zina of the eyes is the gaze (at that which is unlawful, eg. Nudity); the zina of the ears is to listen (to talks of nudity which excites the carnal desire); the zina of the tongue is to speak (what is evil); the zina of the hand is to touch (the female which is unlawful to you); the zina of the feet is to walk (towards immorality); the zina of the heart is to desire (what is unlawful), and it is the private parts which either commits or shuns the actual act of fornication."
Rasulullah S.A.W. said "It is better for a man that a steel nail be driven through the centre of his head....rather than if he touches the palm of a strange women" Rasulullah S.A.W. said "It is better for a man that a steel nail be driven through the centre of his head....rather than if he touches the palm of a strange women"
Sister you say you will never go beyond kissing, and you may not intend to but one thing really does lead to another and this is why Allah swt has forbidden those things which lead to sin. Being engaged with parents knowledge does not cut it dear sister, its still wrong. But all is not lost. Both of you should immediately stop being alone as when a man and a woman who are non mahram are alone, shaytaan is the third. Avoid talking on the phone as well as zina of the mouth is the sweet talk. If you are alone together then thesethings will happen. This is VITAL!
If you must meet then ensure you have a third person present with you both at all time. Preferably your mahram. Any topics you talk about must not be unislamic. I know this will be hard to take in but it is for your protection. My advice to you is make the time you are engaged as short as possible. Try to convince your parents to get you both to do nikah. That way if you do nikah you can be alone together and spend time getting to know one another. You can just do a small nikah and after a year when you are financially able have a bigger celebration (ruksati) and live together. Speak to your families, find out their fears look for solutions and be ready to compromise. While you are not married do not meet him alone! Can you not meet him at your parents house, (with them present) this way he can get to know you and your parents together and you can see him.
If you both make amends and do tawbah before you marry then your marriage will be valid InshaAllah and after marriage you will not need to abstain.
My brother had a similar problem to you but Alhumdulilah he compromised and now he is happily married MashaAllah, so there is always a solution. It will just require patience and understanding on your part.
Please take a look at this link dear sister:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boy-girl-relationship-ready/
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Dear Sister,
Sara is absolutely correct. You feel guilty because you know what you are doing is wrong. Stop meeting this man alone, plain and simple. Do not allow yourself to be put in the situation where no one else is present. You say you are only kissing and hugging now but those actions can very likely end up going a lot further whether you mean it too or not.
I would also like to add here that this brother is not respecting you at all by doing what he is. What he is doing is wrong and he knows it. Something else for you to consider is this...what if say, a few months down the road the two of you decide you don't want to marry. He can go run his mouth to other people about the things you and he did together. You don't want that to happen to you but it very well can.
I pray that you will heed my advice and that of sister Sara.
Salam
Just take care with your heart & this relationship. InshaAllah your marriage will last a lifetime, & the 2 of you will forever look back on the start of your relationship. Forever. "How did you meet?" is a recurring question in life. Old friends will ask you. New friends will ask you. Your children will ask you. Your grandchildren will ask you.
So you need to decide what you want the story of the beginning to be. Do you want guilt and shame or pride that you did the right thing?
I am in the best relationship of my life & InshaAllah it will lead to marriage. But when the 2 of us met, we were both promised to others. My engagement fell through months before his, & it was so tempting to call or text during that lonely sad time during which my head was filled with good thoughts of him. But I didn't, because I knew that cheating was NOT the way to start something beautiful with someone. His relationship fell through eventually, because of reasons that had nothing to do with me, and we did not have contact until the weeks after. I am grateful I waited, cheating would have sullied the beauty.
Having said that, why can't you marry faster? Why 2 years? 1 year seems sufficient enough. 2 years distance between lovers is a lot. Or, if you choose to wait 2 years, meet only with others present.
Salam sister,
Speaking from experience I would say don't trust him. Don't let him kiss and hug you no matter how much he tells you that he loves you, and will marry you, don't trust him until he becomes your husband. How do you know he won't get fed up after 2 years, leave you and move on...or that your kissing and hugging will not lead to bigger sins which you will later regret.
If he truly loves you, and respects you he will understand that meeting alone is wrong and that he should control his desires as should you. I think personally, it is a good idea to meet the person you are intending to marry and get to know them to some extent, but with a chaperone or in a public place. Let your parents know when you meet him.
If he becomes funny when you mention all of the above, then leave him and stick to your principles firmly. If he does not respect you, he is not worth it and by leaving him you will be saving yourself from alot of grief!
Also, do istikhara and ask for guidance. The other alternative is, that if you have known him for a long time and believe he is a good match for you, then try and marry him sooner rather than later, as this will save you both from a lot of sins.
I hope Allah swt guides you both, and keeps you protected.
Salam everyone,
First I just want to thank you all who took the time to provide me with your advice. I knew what was right and wrong while writing the post i guess I just needed some support. I wish I could talk to my mom and tell her that I want to get married right away but its not that easy. Everytime I try to lead such a conversation it seems like she is not getting the hint. I am currently studying for a medical school enterance exam and maybe she feels that the best time for me to get married would be after I gain acceptance to the school. Also the guy has an older sister who needs to get married first. It would be odd if a younger brother was getting married before. She is currently having some difficulties with her proposal and probably wont get married until next year (although I'A I hope asap both for her and my sake) I love the idea of nikah.I was never the one to indulge in such haraam things. It is quite unbelievable what the shaitan makes us do and how he traps us without us even knowing. I thank Allah (swt) for opening my eyes and finally taking some actions to my guilty feelings. In the past few months that I was with my fiance alone there was something that always bothered me in the back of my head and it was the fear that I am disobeying Allah. Alhamdulillah me and my fiance decided to completely abstain from each other (meeting, talking, texting) for the month of Ramadan. I told him this is the best chance for both of us to repent for our sins. At the moment I will be honest that I do miss him. But at the same time I am content with my decision to never meet him alone until our wedding. Even after Ramadan I hope we can both continue to at least not meet alone. We can def meet at eachother's house with our families present but it will be a challenge since we love each other a lot. Please make dua for us that inshaAllah Allah makes this waiting time easier for us. I know we will get married when it is the right time and I cant force it to happen as of right now so I just pray to Allah that he gives us patience and increase our imaan. I am very scared that shaitan will soon pull us back into our regular routine but I will do my best to keep Allah in mind at all times and refrain from which is unlawful.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support
well sister iknow what it feels like well im in love with a muslim girl im muslim too alhumdulillah but i kind of take this as a blessing from Allah that my love is in pakistan and i am in usa so alhumdulillah we cant really pysically meet yet nor do iwant to IWANT TO but thats the desire which will be sinful becuz already imet her i private 3days in one week when iwent to vacation we did do wrong things kissing eachothers cheeks holding hands touching etc but alhumdulillah thats was the farthest but we all know us humans always take ot to the next level mainley due to the shitaan,and she is 19 and im 17 and our families dont like eachother well just becuz i grew up in usa and her cousin sad bad lies about me 🙁 (pls do dua that ican marry her very soon inshallah) SO POINT IS U SHOULD GET MARRIED TO EACHOTHER ASAP NOBODY KNOW ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH SO THINKING THAT O WE WILL BE MARRIED (inshallah) but still u shudnt do zina bcuz u never know when Allah mian orders for for soul. and mashallah everyone gave very nice comments and points 🙂 INSHALLAH ALL WILL BE GOOD INSHALLAH AMEEN AND ALLAH HU AKBAR
and sis u shudng completley stop talking to him uknow,maybe talk to him few minutes a week to let him know you really miss him and u both will feel better inshallah:) like this inshallah the shitaan wont be able to make any misconceptions in between u - and u will be in my prayers and sis do prayfor me as well inshallah thx jazaak Allah
Salaam.
Please sis stop meeting him alone at once. Engagement can broke anytime with or without any reason. I have seen an engagement being broke so sudden without any reason, but being a girl your reputation once is gone thats it. It is always plesant to get married without any past or any history with no one.
There is always hikma (wisdome) in allah's sheria.
Amna