Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband was pushed into marrying twice.. Should i stay or should i go..

Crying Muslim Woman

Assalam aleikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatu

 

 

I am a latina revert for 7 years now Alhamdulilah. I am in need of advice.. I think i should give brief background on our marriage, and the events that led up to him having a now second wife.

We both met thru an old childhood friend of mine Ahmed 6 years ago.  We were both young and would text everyday, and one day we met. I met his family his mother instantly loved me and i loved his family. I still do 🙂 They also met my one year old son(from previous relation) His mom asked me to marry him a couple of weeks months later.  Only thing is that husband did not want to marry yet since he thought he was not ready yet. A few months after it we were married. we had a very simple walima with many guests and NO MUSIC. i was very satisfied with this. He was not happy about getting married and i didn't know until after we were married.

We made a huge mistake and had relations a month before we were married and I became pregnant, that is One of the reasons i agreed to marry so soon. After we married he was so upset that i was pregnant. He pushed me into aborting the child. Obviously i was devastated. I came into the marriage believing all Muslims were almost perfect (I know silly) thinking life would be better forever.. little did I know the trials never end..

My husband is not much of a practicing Muslim. He was not praying much, he kept close relations with high school buddies who encouraged him to go to bars, clubs. I found out a few times he was speaking to other women and he might have even had sexual relations with one. Every time i decided to look past it. Even I was the one who would apologize and swallow my pride. I decided to have patience and stand by his side, and not give up. 6 months after getting married i got pregnant with my second son. As soon as he knew he became so angry, that he  kicked me out of his parents home. I had no job and only had part of the income tax money. I was pregnant and struggling to pay rent for my new apartment with no job. I remained patient was able to get a roommate and a part time job. Eventually he start to come around.. after our son was born he bought a small home. I was very happy with our small home and happy he came back. I was trying hard to be understanding keeping in mind that he is still maturing and young. I prayed he would realize where he was going wrong.

EVERY TIME we argued he would call his mom. So we would have her in between us since the beginning. She suffers from depression already and anxiety. She got fed up. Two years after our son was born i became pregnant again. I should not have since I had a very great IUD to prevent pregnancy, yet still i became pregnant. Again he was upset. By this time my eman was soo low, my spirits to the floor. We aborted. i didnt fight much this time. The night he put the pills in me, the small fetus came out. I could see the fetus fingers, toes his tiny disfigured face.. I felt like this was a punishment. We had the fetus buried. The sight of this baby haunts me to this day.

For a month or two i tried to be the same wife i had been up to that time. But i couldnt i felt so broken. I felt my spot in hell was reserved for sure. And because of him. But i knew i was more mad and angry at myself. I started to drink after many years of not touching alcohol. When i discovered my husband was smoking weed i fell into my old bad habit. I thought about all the bad things that had happened in my life. Like the marriage problems, my father leaving me as a child, how i was raped as a teen I was terribly depressed, disappointed, hopeless  and i swear if i had not been a mother and had i not known about Allah and Quran. I might have been just committed suicide. The whole year after the last abortion i became so rude to him. Yelling at him for no reason. Not respecting him.. and finally i put it in my mind i cant do this to him. I have to leave him because i have no respect for This man at all. So i started a huge argument just to get him to divorce me and he did. He divorced me in front of his mom and dad. We still lived together and maybe 80 days later we had intercourse. At that time i was not really aware that meant i was his again. The whole time he never thought he actually divorced and just thought i he would give me time because he knew i was hurt and he felt guilty.. After some time he was trying to win me back. Not knowing much how to do it. I refused him time and time again. He had many people call me or visit us  and try to make me understand that we should stay together. Even i started texting another man so he can get it that i was over him.(This man was an old friend of mine, and in time i fell in love with the type of man he is to this day, his character, his demeanor, he was all i ever wanted in a man.. May Allah forgive me and all for our sins.. ) and  I explained to him that i didnt respect him no more and i couldn't be with a man i don't respect this much. Deep inside i felt bad for my attitude towards him, but it was really uncontrollable at this point. He was very angry i was talking to another man online, but was still trying to win me back. Although deep inside I like that he was trying ,But i felt it was too late at that time.

I started having a change a heart after one of our arguments where he exploded in front of his family. i was crying and he took care of me, he massaged me and didn't leave my side until i slept. This man who i have  been so rude to Is showing me compassion. My mindset now is actions speak louder than words. After  this day i did not yell or be overly rude. One day he smacked me lightly on the face for smoking. I swear with that soft smack love came back into my heart, but still i thought he needs to do more to prove we can make it work out . I found out he was leaving for his home country India with his mom and brothers. From there he call me and informs me his mom wants him to marry another girl. I was shocked but didn't express too much I trusted he would ignore it.  i was already loving him and just wanted him to try more harder and i thought with time away when he came back maybe it would work out. I was so sad. I told him he was not ready to marry someone else and he should wait. Also he kept assuring me he didn’t want to marry. His mom was crazy for him to marry this girl and insisted and insisted. He called me every day to ask me what he should do. I was upset because i wanted him to already know what he should do which is to fight to get me back, his family. He ended up marrying her. Everyone there believed he would just leave me and be with her. I was not happy at all about it but not much i could do from US.  I was scared he would actually leave me. He came back three months later. I didn't ask why he got married didn't ask for explanations. I accepted him back and he did too. Then obviously problems start with his mom, she wanted to know why he was staying with me. His new wife just calls and calls and threatens she will die etc. A whole new drama. I texted with the new wife trying to see if we could make it work out. I honestly liked her and i thought she did too, but maybe jealousy beat her, and she is disrespectful towards me trying to say he loves her and he never loved me. And with all the troubles me and him had sometimes what she says sounds true. That leavese to my dilemma now. I dont want her with him anymore. When I feel upset I just think how he was not capable to be just with me alone . ive been helping our household financially since we got this new home. ( i work full time as a medical assistant), now she is over there doesn’t have to worry for anything financially. While I busy myself working just to pay bills that honestly who can afford to pay all by himself. I feel like it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I will stay here working and he can go to her i don’t know like in a year and stay for months alone with her while I stay behind struggling work and kids.

Many days he doesn't sleep with me. He is making me feel unwanted as a woman because he doesn't look for me romantically much. I am the one initiating anything in bedroom and he turns me away most of the time. I have spoken to him. I let him know how i feel and for a bit he tries to comfort me. I don't know how i can live like this.. IDk how to be strong and I don’t know if I can take this for the rest our life. He comes home he doesn't talk to much to me yet he will talk to her 45 minutes to hour. I feel like if he show me some more affection i wouldn't care if he had this woman. He is also frustrated with the situation and repeats over and over that he did not want to re marry so soon, and that i am the one to blame for refusing him. Is it possible for him to divorce her since he is not able to be just to both of us financially, physically, and emotionally?

Now im just remembering the man i was texting last year. Thought come in my head if I should just be free and possibly starting new relationship with him perhaps.  I dont want to be selfish. I need help. I don’t know what to do. For now i remain patient, read Quran, learn more about Islam, feed my soul with prayer.

I apologize for such a long post, but I am desperate and will wait patiently for any suggestions. I am very aware of my mistakes and I’m not afraid of harsh truth/words  . JazakAllah for your time

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10 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister: You should ask your husband to divorce you. He is an adulterer, an abuser and a user. You will never find happiness with man like that. My take from your post is that you should focus on improving your own self esteem and gaining a marketable skill. And learn to live alone for a while. If you have friends or family that will help you and possibly let you live with them you should leave your husband and stay with them. Nothing good will come from your relationship with your husband. In a nutshell he is no good.

    While salah is beneficial to us all in times of trouble, that is not the only thing we should do when we have problems. We all know that if you become ill, prayer will not heal a wound or an injury - medical treatment will. When a machine, car or device breaks, no one expects prayers to repair it. You have to travel to a service location and get the repairs done. The same thing applies when marriages are very bad. Praying to end abuse and mistreatment is not always the best strategy to end the abuse and mistreatment. Leaving it does, however.

    • Thank you sister for your input.. i feel like now i am giving myself a higher value, and i realize maybe it is a blessing in disguise. There is no reason to live like this for rest of my life.

  2. Sister, your life has been really difficult and messy. Allah will reward you for the trials you face and how you deal with them. Your husband has pushed you to extreme limits and your actions towards him are due to the way you have been mistreated by him over the years. My personal opinion sister would have been to leave him when you did and you should have married the other guy and moved on with life. Going back with him has made situations worse because now he has re-married and you are breaking this marriage. You need to consider the other wife as she is knnoinno and has fallen into the traps of that same pathetic man. The only option i see is that he keeps both of you wives and tries to be just and equal and try to make it work. It's not fair for him to divorce her because she will suffer for no reason. May Allah give you all a solution out of this difficulty and reward you all for the patience. Ameen

    • Thank you brother. I think that as soon as im ready i will just get my things and kids and leave. He is not the one who can ever be fair and honestly i dont feel like i need to put up with them two. Although ive been his wife for years, now tday i feel as if im the one imposing in their marriage. Life is not over, just will be a change. Thank you so much for your input.

    • As far as the other man i have decided i cannot continue to pursue him further. Due to fact he is also have a wife and three kids. Honestly dont want to break her heart unless he were to tell me she was the one to accept me. i dont need anymore complications. I just want to be free. Live life the healthiest way , sane, and worshipping Allah.

  3. Salam sister...I'm a revert too I married a women who is a muslim sunni scholor..Study 7 yearss in England in Islamic studies at a women's institution. So what I will tell you is not of my opion.It is important we seek advice from learned pious people.Unfornately the so called muslims today are following the desires that the devil calls.Less then 5%of the muslim pray salah..which is the first thing that will be asked on the day of judgement.All praises is due to Allah.you are muslim you believe in 1 Allah and Muhammad is the seal of all prophets.Remember success in both of the worlds is obeying the commandments of Allah through the example of prophet Muhammad s.a.w .Marriage is half of your faith because it is a sunnah and it will protect you from committing Adultry but we have to have a firm foundation in our faith.Yes environment is very important..friends that our practicing ,attachment to mosque and participating in lectures talks fundraisings and women's chapters!All this is a benefit.When we keep away from good and do evil ..we are cursing ourselves..nothing ever comes are way...you will feel stressunhappy worry and problems after problems...this fact...zikr Quran hadith and talking only what's good will keep are heart rich with light..insomnia much that people come to you who seek peace. Dont worry about being alone but know in your heart you have the answer to the solutions..because Allah knows you ...Keep your past a secret now build your connection with Allah find sunni muslim women who will be your friend and company...but be careful...the devil is smart...a true friend is kind and God fearing!protect your kid and educate both in deen and duniya. Life will go on soo never worry always be positive and master salah and read Quran daily .Always find time for Allah..and Allah will make time for you..You can divorce him...under the school of thought that most of the muslims follow abu hanifa...just google it and see what the condition is or rule...theres a book of jurists I know...its called in English...The heavenly ornaments or behasti zewar this will answer all

    • Salam Sis thank you for your opinion in my situation. When i wrote this i was in a very delicate emotional state. I now fee stronger and dont feel it necessary to insist on staying together. I would love to say he was a fair man and can make some justice, but the truth is he has no clue. Ive been his wife for seven years and have been through so much, but now i feel like the one imposing in his new marriage. The girl makes me feel like im the one keeping them from their big love story... I cant take it and i feel like Im not such a little thing where i have to endure this. In all honesty after all this i would be able to be in polygynous marriage, but only to a man that can respect my heart , feelings, and time. Not only mine but the other wives too. I have decided that i will be the one to step aside from the man who has done all he could to let me know he does not respect me. JazakAllah khair..sis may Allah bless you and your family.

    • I did also want to add that me and him are not neither legally married nor did we ever sign a nikkah contract in our mosque. We held a very private ceremony in 2012 where only our immediate family attended.

  4. If he's already divorced you, you can't simple just "get back together." There's an entire long and grueling process for a couple to get back together after a divorce, it's not easy. For you to be sleeping with him after he divorced you may count as Zina for you both. Islamically, a man isn't allowed a second or third wife UNLESS he is able to provide for them equally. This includes providing for them financially, sexually, mentally etc. It seems he isn't checking out any of those boxes. But really, none of those aspects matter as he isn't your husband any longer. If what you say is true,and he's divorced you, why don't you take this as an opportunity to get away from him? Why would you go back to a relationship that you've described? Allah gave you sense, so I advise you to take the signs given to you and do what's best for you and your children.

    I pray Allah gives you a way out from your miseries and provides you with your rizq.

    If you need further help, don't hesitate to respond.

    • I want to let you know that i appreciate and take your opinion into consideration. I am thinking about just ending our relatinship

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