Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I continue relationship with a non-practising Muslim man?


I am nikahfied to a guy since 1 year. ruksati is planned in a couple of months. It is an arranged marriage in an extended family.

The guy revealed his secrets with me gradually after nikkah that he occasionally consumes alcohol and smokes weed. He listens to music a lot and goes to raves occasionally. and don't really take care of haram and halal food, or keep frankness with female friends who don't even dress up properly etc. because he considers himself very liberal and thinks that Allah is not so cruel and won't punish him for these things as Allah is rehman and rahim.

His family is religious and he respects and loves his family a lot but he says his mentality doesn't match them and they don't understand his believes therefore he keep distance from his family . And he always hangs out with his friends who are also like him. Apart from this he is a very nice honest and humble person, not into haram relationships with other girls and a good husband in many ways. And we like each other. And our families are happy with this relationship too.

Problem is when I tell him that these things are wrong, it annoys him. he says its his personal matter with Allah. and he says he has done research and acts according to his understandings about religion. He wants me to respect his beliefs and he respects my beliefs too and never try to convince me for anything.

I can't share this issue with our parents unless I want to break up because he trusted me as a wife and shared his secrets plus parents will be hurt. And as we haven't lived together yet so I don't know how intense these things are and how will these things affect our relationship. Will it get better or worse after we start living together? I really want to make this relationship work, but most of all I want to be a practicing muslim and I want to give preference to Allah and religion. I have my own religious values, so I won't be eating haram or going to raves etc with him, and he is okay with that.

My question is that what decision should I make in this situation? Should I break up as he is not practicing muslim or should I take risk of doing ruksati with him and try to convince him gradually? Please guide me. I am so confused.




Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

10 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    In my opinion it's better to leave this man. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't follow Islam. Think about your children. They will be influenced by him and deviate from the path of Islam.

    If you want to lead an Islamic life then you have to find an Islamic husband to get married.

    Alcohol is the root cause of most of the problems. Will you be ok with him if he comes home drunk or if he drinks at home. What effect will it have on your future muslim children. You say he doesn't do Zina, but what if he does zina in the future and then blame it on alcohol saying that he was not in control because he was drunk.

    Alcohol addiction is a serious matter, even if he's not addicted now, he will be addicted in the future. Are you ready to handle an alcoholic for the most part of your life.

    You can expect him to change after you get together but how long are you willing to sacrifice your happiness for ? 10 years ? 15 years ? He can always say that he was alcoholic before marriage and you married him knowing about his haram habits. So he will blame you if you try to change him.

    Think hard about all the haram habits he has sister. And avoid this relationship. If you go through then (Allah forbid) be prepared to post another question on this site in a few years time about how messed up your life is and how to deal with an alcohlic husband.

    May Allah guide you.

  2. Hi sister
    I think you should speak to him and tell him look this is what's in the Quran and we as Muslims should follow what's in the Quran, if he doesn't listen speak to his family your in laws and tell them look this is the problem if he doesn't change I'll have to leave him because Allah even said you shouldn't marry unless their into the Deen because how's that going to be a healthy marriage if you believe one thing and he believes another ? You need to think about the hereafter and make a decision

    Hope I helped Reya x

    • OP: How many times have you met your husband? How many of those times you felt he was drunk or had smoked weed? Your husband could have easily hidden the truth from you to make you feel he is pious. Religious looking people do bad things also.

      Have you been into chat rooms on the Internet? Have you talked to men on the Internet or at your workplace or....... No one is perfect

      If you leave him, you will get a title of divorcee that will make it harder for you to remarry.

      • Dear brother,

        It is better to live with a title of divorce than to spend a life of misery with an alcoholic husband.

        Don't you see how many questions are there on this site from women who are in an mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And how many times have you advised women in such situations to divorce the guy.

        Not knowing about the bad qualities of a guy and marrying him is one thing.
        But knowing about the haram activities he does and still deciding to stay together with him is a foolish decision.

        It is better to seperate from him before they have any physical relation with each other. Once they have an intimate relation it will be emotionally difficult for the woman to spend the rest of her life after separating from him. When she marries another man she will have the memories and experience of having an intimate relation with a man before.

        Yes it will be harder for her to find another man but she should have trust ( as we should all have ) on Allah. If she leaves this man because she wants to marry a pious man with whom she can practice Islam better then Allah will make her marriage to a pious man easy Inshallah.

  3. asalamu alykum sister,

    Firstly I would like to say the Rasool (SAW) SAID you should marry someone because of their piety.

    Secondly, your future husband is drinking alcohol which is prohibited in the Quran in small or large quantities chapter 5 verse 90.[5:90]
    it is Sahih (authentic) hadith that the prophet (saw) said alcoholics will NEVER ENTER HEAVEN.
    The duty of a wife in Islam is to be obedient to her husband how can you be obedient to him if he asks to do evil things or drinks, he will only take you to hell along with him.

    Thirdly. it is NOT PERMITTED in Islam to go to clubs or raves where Allah is not remembered such peoples ALLAH CURSES for not remembering or invoking his Glorious names.

    how can you TRUST him to be a virgin or loyal to you when he goes to such places the LUST will overcome him.

    Don't worry about his feelings, you need to look out for yourself and your happiness, he will become abusive. TELL YOUR PARENTS about how you feel, do you want to SPEND THE rest of your regretting marrying this man.

    remember in the Quran surah NUR [24:26] Allah says "Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision."

    his actions are those of a Jahil (NON MUSLIM) drugs, alcohol are the vices of Shaytaan may Allah protect us from Satan Ameen and a muslimah female cannot marry a non muslim/ Jahil so don't marry him.

  4. Dear Sister,

    We all can share our opinions based on our experiences but only Allah knows you both so well that he can help you make the best decision. Please make istakhara.

    It is always easier to turn towards doing wrong than the amount of self control and effort doing right requires. It is easier that he'll end up rubbing off on you than your good habits will end up rubbing off on him. You may not do the things he does but you may start to neglect some of your good habits.

    It is better to marry someone who shares your values so that you can build a life together. Why waste any more time with someone who doesn't share your values and perhaps the life that you want to have. Make Istakhara. Ask Allah for his guidance.

  5. AoA,
    I would like to know what decision has been made by the girl since I am going through the same situation. People are advising me different things. Some believe that I should leave this man and others think that I should take the risk as he may change. If you feel comfortable please let me know about your decision as well. Although I have to make my own but it would help me a lot.
    Thank you.

  6. Jazakallah brothers and sisters. thank you so much for the suggestions. it helped me and gave me courage. i agree with you all. that guys wasn’t right for me at all. and whatever you all predicted about future of that kind of spouse is totally true. Alhamdulillah Allah showed me beforehand what i would face in future. so the update is that me and my family finally made the decision of breaking up that relationship. I am responding so late because last few months was really hard for me. But with Allah’s blessings i am much better now.

    I want to tell my story to you all. Even though he always avoided discussion on religion and about his activities but I tried to talk to him more about it. he was actually giving me slow dose. he gradually told me increased frequency of his drugs and alcohol consumption. and revealed that he do molly too and dance for hours on it. he would not force me but used to convince me that its a beautiful drug and he will make me try it too. and that he don’t want me to wear hijab becoz then i wont fit in his friend circle. i used to quote Quran verses but he manipulated its meaning and said he value hadith as a sand particle. he avoided discussion and became ignorant and careless towards me.
    I talked to his parents who have such pious impression in family and used to show so much love for me like their own daughter. i told them about his drinking habit with very less intensity so that they can keep eye on their son’s activities. but they took no action and kind of shut me up saying he must be doing it occasionally but he is a nice guy and will be alright after marriage so keep it secret.
    Anyway even my rukhsati date was finalized. I was so worried and confused. i started praying istikhara daily after isha and used to cry and ask help from Allah as i was confused and weak to make the decision. a few days later he started sharing me photos of him with his friends. before that he told me things verbally and only showed his individual photos at gym n home etc. but when i saw photos of him with friends i got so upset. they goes to beaches and clubs and raves so frequently half naked and smoking and drinking. Then i took stand and talked to him on a serious note that i wont be able to accompany you to these places n with these people. he said don’t judge my friends they are my life, i cannot force you but all my friends n their wives hang out together and if you wont join us then we wont be happy together. and then in our conversations he mentioned more about his believes. that according to him drinking in less amount is allowed and i shouldn’t have problem if i find him drinking in his friends gathering. and its okay to eat anything except pork. and that zina is not a big deal to him and Allah won’t punish if two people feel love and make it to the next level. and about how he supports same sex and inter religion marriages too. i was shocked to find out his religious values were totally messed up and he was so rigid in his believes that he wasn’t willing to accept even the clear verses of quran.
    Less than a month was left for my rukhsati. i again talked to his parents but instead of helping me they tried to threaten me and i found out they are not gonna do anything about it at all, may be coz they were financially dependent on him. so i finally talked to my parents. our parents had arguments/discussions/fights and my parents made this decision of breaking up this relationship. and afterwards even his parents accepted that their son is at fault.

    It was not easy. I was so broken. couldn’t eat couldn’t face people used to have nausea due to stress. this went on for months. but gradually i am getting better alhamdulillah. my family and friends also supported me a lot and now i feel that it was the best decision for me at the right time. throughout the relationship I was losing my peace of mind and my personality and i used to worry that he would drag me into wrong things. Though my time, energy and money was wasted but at least better than ruining my whole life and akhirah. and I am so glad that even though we were husband wife but we were in different countries so we never even met alone neither i got emotionally attached to him that much. Allah made it easy for me and saved me, i can’t thank him enough. I think it was a test for me and my family. May Allah always help us and protect us and keep us firm on deen. i truly believe Allah never burdens a soul beyond it can bear and if he takes away something he replaces it with something better. please brothers and sisters make dua for me.

    • When Allah takes back something, he replaces it with something better. Allah will bless you with the companionship of a deserving guy, Ameen.
      Thank you for sharing your experience. You mind telling this guy's name or at least initials? Your story is completely similar to mine, I can't stop wondering whether it's the same guy or not, please if you don't mind, thank you.

Leave a Response