Should I divorce my husband?
Hi, I'm from Malaysia, married for more than 1 year now. Me and my husband met on the early of 2013. He is also my relative 4th degree uncle, before we met he had lots of failed marriages but these were marriage that I don't know if legal in Islam or just getting someone (leader) to let them marry and reads the rituals.
When he proposed to marry me my parents disagree because they were thinking that he will just ruin my life. I insisted, I told them that everybody has the chance to change and he promised also that he will not let me be one of the girls he left. He had sons and daughter to other girls. I gave him the chance and so my parents has not done anything to stop us from getting married.
In our days as husband and wives, I notice that all the bad traits that people told me before are true, he can easily say bad words to me and doesn't respect me. I still forgive him because he ask for forgiveness every time and he make some sweet gestures. But, before I gave birth to our child he needs to go somewhere because of his business, unfortunately after I gave birth I discover that he marry another girl, and he even brought it to our place. My parents were so dissapointed, I feel so much pain and almost cries every day, but I still accepted him because having two wives in Islam is accepted, but then as time pass by I notice that he changed a lot.
He is not in our place anymore because he needs to go somewhere for his business, I was left alone, I had my work that is why I can't easily go with him. I am pregnant for our second child, he is not supporting me financially and he is not calling me that often.
I don't know if I still need to wait, I ask him how many times to support in our needs even though I'm living with my parents,I don't know what is his plans for us. He just told me to be patient because he has no money but I saw in their facebook post that he had shopping with his new girl. For more than a month now we didn't see each other and he is with his new girl who is already pregnant.
I don't know what to do, I'm just keep on praying that Allah (s.w.t) will guide me in my decisions, I really want to save our marriage but it looks like I was just the one who want to save our marriage. I'm in pain right now and don't know what to do, I cannot concentrate on my work anymore. Please give me some advice in Islamic perspective.
shaira
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Assalam alykum
Sister thats really sad to hear what you been through. Like you said this guy has a habit of cheating and marrying a new girl every few years. This guy needs to be taught a lesson. It would be nice if he returns but seems there are very less chances.
His first mistake he married a second wife with out your permission or consultation which according to shariah is a must. Do report him to the authorities so that he no more cheats other girls.
And allah knows best
I don't want to report him because he is still the father of my daughter and besides the second wife knows all about us. For now they are away he calls sometimes just to update me with the house that we build, I don't know if i can still give him a chance since I don't trust him anymore,. for now I really dnt know what to do Im pregnant again with our second child and he is away with the girl, no more support for more than a month now..
Thank you so much for the reply, what I want to know is until when should a wife exercise her patience, if the husband do not do his duties anymore do I still need to be patient?
Your husband is obligated in Islam to provide you and your children with financial support at all times, and he is obligated to treat all his wives equally. That means he should spend the same amount of time with you as he does with the second wife. You are not obliged to be patient for any length of time if your husband refuses to perform his duties towards you. You seem to want to hold out hope that he will change, but you have two children for whom you are responsible for now. You need to ask yourself, is it likely that he will change? If the answer is no, then my advice to you is divorce your husband and then take him to court for child support. You may not want to take him to court because you still love him, but if that is the only way your children will get what they are entitled to from their father then you have a duty to force him to meet his obligations as a father.
Its been a months since I last visited this page. Thank you for the response, for that past few months a lot has change I am nearly giving birth to our second child, as i observe my husband cannot give fair treatment to me and another girl. Last Ramadhan me and my baby went to his place to visit him for ten days, the girl was not there because she is nearly giving birth. I observe that he is not that worried to me compared to the girl because he thinks that I can support myself and I am strong enough to handle financial problems. He told me that I should concentrate on my job and dont worry about him, he will support if there is enough budget but if the budget is just good for his second family he will not support (that is how I read his words) his priority is the family that is near him and that is not us. I felt that it is so unfair, its okay to me if he has another family as long as he can handle us fairly, if he can support fairly but that is not what happening right now. I am thinking that I will divorce him after I gave birth but there is also this hope that may be everything will be alright soon, he promised that if he has enough capital he will went back to our place. He is not calling me, if Im not the one calling his phone he wont call. I really feel pain because I am pregnant and yet I don't feel his care, they already have their son with the second girl..
Please give me some advice in islamic perspective, I really feel that I am in a hard situation. I really wanted our marriage to work but I feel like I am being used. Last month they really lack financial support he is asking for my support, he even borrowed money from me, he is so nice that time but now that he already have money he is not calling me. I told him that he should give back the money because it is intended for my hospitalization, he just told me that he knows what he is doing and I should not remind him because he will support me..
Even though nobody is reading my post I would still update on my situation hoping that someone might read this and gave me pieces of advice. I gave birth already last September 22 with our second child luckily its a boy. But, the other girl of my husband also gave birth with a boy 2 months ago before I gave birth..My husband went home during the birthday of our daughter and during my hospitalization, he was the one who paid all the bills. He was kind to me this time and he said he was sorry for all the bad words he said before but then he was asking me a favor he told me that if I want him to go home in our place I will let his other wife stay with us in the house that he build I told him that I can't do that way because I still feel hurt and maybe I cant control myself but if he want he let the girl live there but I will not stay in that house, he told me that he cant do that because people knows that it was for me and I am the first wife and it is not good in the eyes of other people if the second wife will be the one to live there and beside I was the one with work. I told him that he should not use me financially, he told me that he will look for capital so that the girl can have business. He told me that if I do love him I will do anything just for him to be comfortable. I was confuse with his actions he was so selfish and not thinking that I was feeling hurt too, that even if I can handle myself financially compared to his other wife I also need someone who will show me love and care and who will guide our daughter and son. I really don't know why I was given this kind of life all Im asking is a simple life but bring me to this complications. Based from my husband's plan it seems like he wants us me and him to be the one on support for his family and his other responsibilities and the other wife will be the one to work the house chores. I can't live that way even if I am a working mom I also want to be a responsible wife and mother
Dear Shaira, this man is using you. You need a husband, a full time father for your children, someone to look after you and protect you. Shaira, that is the role of a husband. Instead, he is guilting you into supporting him and his other family financially. You should be spending your hard earned money on your children. You do not have a single duty towards his other wife and other child. Shaira, please consider returning home to your parents. Let your dad play a role in the upbringing of your children. Let your parents take care of you while you recover from this unfortunate chapter in your life. It just does not sound like your husband loves you. He might like you, and he definitely likes your money. What he is proposing, in terms of the living arrangements, is not fair. Its not right for him to say that if you love him you will do anything to make him comfortable.
Surround yourself with loving people and with righteous people.
Thank you for your reply. Actually I'm still living with my parents the house that he is referring too is not yet finish and I don't have plans of living there together with the girl. I know the girl don't want to live with me also but if he insisted the girl will only follow him since the girl has no other source of income. He married the girl in order for him to have someone who will do the house chores and to have someone to have sex since we are not together. the girl was in Manila because she is an OFW and planning to return when they met... I still can't find the courage to ask for a divorce, our daughter is 1 year old and i just gave birth recently to our second child. I dont know if I will divorce him or what?