Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Trapped in an unhappy marriage

Crying Muslim Woman

Assalaamualaikum..

I don't know how to start.. There has been so much going on in my life.. I don't know what to do. I have been married for two years now, my husband is living away in Europe, haven't seen him since a year. I have a beautiful daughter mashallah she's 1. I was supposed to be with him, the base, the bunyad of this marriage which my parents and in-laws and other relatives together discussed was he would take me with him on dependent soon after we got married.

But things didn't happened that way.. Before living he said he has his visa extension thing to do before that I can't go, so I waited for few months as he promised to me that he would call me there as soon as his visa extension is done.. Meanwhile I will have to live with my in laws then I got pregnant.

Initially it was okay.. But day after day it was getting hard for me to live there. It was summer, the house was on the toppest floor, they didn't have Air-conditioning, I had to beg my husband to get one for me, as I was pregnant those day I needed extra care and comfort but I wasn't given, my mother in law made my living more harder, no proper food.. And also they didn't have any financial crisis mashallah still they didn't provide me. I was only allowed to stay at my mums for a week, if I stayed even for a day more my husband would get angry, so angry that he wouldn't talk to me.. My mother law got meaner and meaner.. My life was really getting hard.. As I was missing my husband, parent's home.. And also being pregnant those power cuts in summer.. I used to cry every night.. All I wanted was to go to my husband..

And after few months his visa got extended and finally I was so happy as he promised he would call me in a month after his extension but that didn't happened. I was hurt, but I still didn't lose hope, I loved him so much I didn't even tell my parents as they kept asking what was going on.. But I was more concerned about my husband's izzat, then after a month, when Ramadan was nearing he said hes sick.. So I was worried I asked him to come off, I said his health comes first, he could call me anytime or he can take me with him as well but for now come, so he can also celebrate eid and get proper diagnosed.. He got the leave and came on the last Ramadan..

I was really happy to see him.. Seeing him made me forgot how horrible my life in his home was.. By then I was 6 n half months pregnant. My eid was so good.. So he had 25 days leave.. I was wishing for umrah or at least for a small honeymoon as we didn't get to spend some quality time alone.. But nothing like that happened, his mum would get upset every time we go out.. He didn't even come with me for my monthly check up and even he didn't get himself diagnosed.. I was upset.. My expectations.. My wishes were slowly dying. As his holiday was coming to an end I asked him when am I gonna go? He again said he would call me in a month.. He left on 7th of august..

On the day he was leaving my dad told him and his parents that I would stay with them as I was pregnant and I was in my 7th month as per the tradition they let me live with my parents. I was so relieved.. After few days he said he wants to apply for his PR and he won't able to call me there, I was in a shock.. As to why as he always lying.. From here we were having frequent fights, hes started to talk about the dowry my parents gave me in my wedding that he didn't like and started comparing to his sister's dowry which they gave in her wedding.. And also how they paid for her delivery, he was praising himself and degrading my parents as he was going to pay for my delivery and not my parents, as India its a custom that a daughter's first pregnancy finances parents has to do not her husband. So now I was seeing his bad side.. His thinking, his opinions.. I kept crying.. I was so hurt..this was happening Every day or the other.. So one day I said my mum secretly that please take care of my pregnancy bills.. My mum calmed me.. Saying don't worry. Once you go there he will get alright.. During these days he said he would come after my delivery and he made a promise again that now when he come he would take me with him or he would stay here forever.

So I gave birth to my daughter in November by c-section I had some complication, my in-laws were not that happy as she was not a baby boy. Anyway.. Its Allah's will... I was happy that was more than enough.. As I had c-section my parents insisted my in laws to let me stay a little more longer than 40days but they were very stubborn. My husband was gonna come on 17th of Jan.. So I didn't have to stay alone for long but it was hard for me initially as my daughter didn't let me sleep for all night and as I used to get up a little late that used to make my mother in law upset.. I was so so frustrated by living the life I never wished for.. I never misbehaved with my inlaws.. I had so many issues but I only discussed with my husband but even he never solved them.. Mostly the food.. Sometimes I even starved they made the cook make so little food that was never sufficient.. My parents used to pack me few snacks, I would have them that's it.

When my husband had come.. I was happy to see him again.. But he wasn't as we were having fights.. He even said it. But I didn't know what was I supposed to say.. I respected his parents but his parents never bothered to take care of me or my daughter, living alone was so hard.. Crying every night to sleep.. I did everything what ever he asked me to but he never appreciated any. So we had my daughter's aqiqa celebration.. It was pretty much grand, but few things were so disturbing, really made me upset.. He always bothered more about his family.. After making so much of compromises and after all this wait he never valued me.. He came for holiday but he was actually busy with something or the other.. His mum never let us go out, something or the other happened between us..

And one day we had a big fight then my parents came there were so many things discussed and my father spoke very straightforwardly saying these issues are only because we are not living together and asked my husband as when is he planning to take me with him.. This rishta was only made because he and his father promised that he would take me as soon as we got married but this didn't happened.. So what's now was his question. He gave his answer saying that he had applied for his PR, already given so much of money as fees to the lawyer, solicitor.. And so he would definitely call me by July he promised my father.. His holiday was for 25 days this time also.. And this time too we didn't have any quality time.. Nothing.. But as a first anniversary gift he bought me a necklace so.. It was fine.. And it was time for him to leave.. I was feeling bad for all the fights, ask him to forgive me, as I loved him.. I didn't want him to leave.. But sadly he had to..

Days went by. Things didn't change at my in-law's I was getting frustrated, depressed, got few health issues... We had started fighting again over the phone.. Months passed by.. and July had come.. No sign, my father was angry by now, I was also not living at my in-laws for long.. Living at my parents for more days. I even asked my in-laws to speak to their son begged them to ask him to call me there but they refused to do so..they didn't want me to go.. So I wasn't living there for long and this made my husband more angry as I wasn't living with my in-laws but I didnt care much, I got a little selfish, July went by, August September October November..

And today I am still here.. Having my bp low. My father was so angry he spoke to my in-laws but no worry no bother nothing at all.. Reverse happened my husband got so angry.. And threatened my father that he would send the divorce notice as early as possible. My father begged him for forgiveness and I wished I should have been dead before I see this.. I now hate my husband as to what he did, I don't want to be with him anymore but I have to because of my daughter and the society.. Please help me out.. Please advice me.. Please.. Jazakallah khair!

hope07

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12 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Here is what I understand:

    Your husband lives away from you even though he promised to sponsor you so that you could live with him after marriage.
    He promised to take you after marriage on several occasions, but never followed through. He expects you to live with his parents without him but not your parents because he thinks that is marriage.
    When you lived with your in-laws, your needs like proper food or care during pregnancy were not met.
    His mother is upset when you spent time with your husband--as a result he didn't attend doctor appointments with you as to avoid upsetting his mother.
    He follows customs like sending off one's wife to her mother so that the girl's family attends to the need of the expectant mother including financial needs.
    He has/had high expectations in terms of dowry from your family and expects your family to pay for the delivery of his child.
    Your parents paid for your medical expenses and when you gave birth to a girl, your in-laws were not pleased.
    Your in-laws wanted you to return immediately 40 days after delivery and didn't understand or didn't have sympathy with you regarding your recovery from a major operation: c-section.
    You would sometimes starve yourself while living with your in-laws due to insufficient food--but relied on snacks your parents provided.
    He bought you a necklace for your first anniversary.
    You had health issues, started living with your parents, and your husband would not contact you at your parents' house.
    After a few times when your father brought up the "bunyaad"/root/cause on which he agreed to marry you to your husband which was you would live with him abroad, finally, your husband resorted to threats of sending a divorce notice.

    Dear Sister,

    I am sorry for this pain you are experiencing and although I am going to be very blunt, the purpose is for you to wipe your tears and think clearly and deeply and critically, it is NOT to make you cry more.

    You have 2 choices only:

    1. Live like this for the rest of your life in which you are not trapped in an unhappy marriage, but trapped inside of a culture that has nothing to do with Islam.

    OR

    2. Realize what is happening.
    Muslims in the Indian Subcontinent marry their daughters and complain that daughters are a burden as they have to give dowry, but then after marriage, it doesn't become less expensive. Then they have to pay for their daughter, their daughter's children, gifts for their daughter's husband and mother and father and sister...I think you get the point! This is not an Islamic marriage and I don't know what to even call it, but it is ludicrous. It would be better to not get married--at least the expense would only be for one person!

    You can decide now if this isn't what you want--and if it isn't, have a candid discussion with your husband or write him an email and let him know that this isn't Islam and would he want this life for his daughter? He has to make a choice. He may actually follow through and divorce you--because he isn't interested in a wife, he is more or less interested in a slave and has financial interests in your family.

    Both situations are extremely painful--you will have to decide which one is less painful for you.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, give you patience and bring you happiness, Ameen.

    If I hurt you with anything, My sincerest apologies.

    • Saba: Your husband lives away from you even though he promised to sponsor you so that you could live with him after marriage......He promised to take you after marriage on several occasions, but never followed through. He expects you to live with his parents without him but not your parents because he thinks that is marriage.

      Looks like husband is on some kind of non-immigrant Visa. It may not be easy for him to sponsor his spouse and get her join him. Husband should have explained every thing in detail regarding how long it may take.

      In US some people can bring their spouses on some non-immigrant Visas, but it can take years for a green card holder to bring his wife from certain countries.

      • True that he maybe on a visa where he can't sponsor his wife, but visa or not, that doesn't prevent him from being a decent human being who should know how to treat his wife with decency. He could easily sit down with his wife and/or wife's father and clear the air rather than threatening divorce...

  2. Sister I don't know why you are obliged to live with your in laws? You don't have to at all.
    unless he has islamic proof that you have to, move out. Be comfortable with your parents. Until he has the papers to take you with him, then you don't have to be with them, you are nit married to them, you are married to their son.

    Take your things, move out, and tell him that you will not be facing anymore of this behaviour and you will wait for him until he does so. If he wants a divorce then let it happen sister, if a man can treat you that badly turn why are you waiting for him.

    Move on with your life because Allah is the one who provides, not him. Don't wait for other people to make you happy, you have to take control of it.

  3. This is a perfect example of why brides of Pakistanis, Indians and Bangladeshis should not have ruskhsati until the bride's Visa is confirmed and validated. I'm sure other people will talk about giving him lectures about proper behavior, with lots of examples of hadith, but clearly those won't work on a man who is determined to keep you as vacation wife. Oh by the way he is probably is already married in Europe. Don't you just love wali's who don't do research or protect their daughter's interests?
    So in the end its seems like the result is to get divorced now or get divorced after a couple kids. The question is, if you divorce do you get the jahiz back?

    • Actually this is a perfect and unfortunately, extremely common, example of why Pakistanis, Indians, and Bangladeshis who are Muslim should practice Islam instead of practicing culture as this story could have been written by either a Muslim or non-Muslim. Honestly, why does the word Rukhsati and Jahaiz even exist? It is called Nikaah and Mahr.

      • It's not just people from back home, unfortunately some people in the west have the same mentality - I was asked for jahaiz after I got married and wasn't given the mahr until I kept asking for it. And this was the mentality of supposedly educated people who interact and had friendships with other english people. This is unfortunalty an excuse for litttle narrow minded people to try to control the new bride and her family. If only people followes islam properly - this mess would not exist.

    • abu ameer: Oh by the way he is probably is already married in Europe. Don't you just love wali's who don't do research or protect their daughter's interests?.......So in the end its seems like the result is to get divorced now or get divorced after a couple kids. The question is, if you divorce do you get the jahiz back?

      You are scarring a wife who is already suffering. Is marriage the only way for Indians/Pakistanis/Bangladeshis to get citizenship in Europe?

      • in short yes that is the most direct way to gain residence. Unless there are British factories still looking for mirpuris to fill up their non-existant factories. if he does have citizenship he is heartless guy who is not bringing his wife. and if he is on a non-immigrant visa or cant' qualify to bring family members he is an exaggerator or at worst a liar . either way it doesn't look good. By the way what kind of guy who lives in a first world country country in Europe complain about dowry from someone in a much poorer country.

  4. Im not sure if this is the correct advice, but personally what I would do is find out what his address is but be subtle about it - perhaps say you want to send him a card/write to him etc. Book yourslef a ticket and turn up at his doorstep - surprise him!! Take your dad with you. find out exactly what he is up to!!!

  5. Aoa sister,

    In my opinion, all the advise that are you getting in the answers above may be OK in principle but it not going to solve your problem. Very few people listen to the principles, other wise they just mold it to whats comfortable to them.

    Your situation has already been mishandled but it is certainly not so bad that it cant be fixed!!

    In order to fix your situation you need to keep emotions aside and think sensibly, and do not let the bad experiences cloud your judgement. I am sure if things resolve, inshaAllah, in a few months your life will be filled with so many good experiences that you will simply forget about the bad things.

    In my opinion,you have two options:

    1) leave him - i think you already understand what it means for you and your daughter

    2) manage the situation so that it is comfortable for you and your husband. You need to accept that
    you cannot 100% change your husband, his circumstances and your in-laws. But what may be possible with
    a little sensibility from you and your parents is modify your environment by 20-30% so that there is enough space for you to breath and live your life.

    Now, it is up to you to ask what little things can be changed that can make this marriage work. For example,
    you cannot change your in-laws opinion on having a baby girl. But if you are living abroad with your husband it can certainly eliminate this stress factor from your environment.

    I think in your situation the following factors could be at play:

    1) Your parents did not do sufficient due diligence while getting you married but don't blame them for this; they could not hire a private detective, they could only ask a handful of questions.

    The two families have different lifestyles. It seems that your parents are more affluent and progressive whereas your in-laws are somewhat conservative. If having AC in your parents home was normal it may not be normal for your in-laws. It is only objectionable if they themselves have air-conditioning but deny you from it. The same goes for food, and other things such things that one needs in a joint family.

    I can see in your post that mashaAllah you have been dealing with their bad behavior like a good wife, but please do not harbor any resentment towards them, because sooner or later it will come out and will cause problems for you. Their behavior and attitude is wrong but it is not up to you to change them, their actions are tied to centuries of social conditioning. Just accept them for who they are, do your part and expect reward from no one but Allah (SWT).

    Please understand that what your definition of a fair treatment is may not be the definition of your husband.
    For example, you expect it is fair that you should be with him but he expects that it is fair that he visits you once a year. In principle you are 100% correct, a wife has religious and legal right to company but how are you going to force him to accept it. One way is to send a legal notice, the other is slowly create space for you within the environment.

    2) I am assuming that your husband is not having a second wife abroad because, he was making regular visits to India, brought you a necklace etc. He is certainly influenced by the mindset of his family like complaining about dowry or not paying for the delivery.

    The second thing is that your husband may not be as affluent as he showed while getting married. It could be due to this reason that he is struggling to call you abroad. For example, in order to bring your wife, one needs to have a stable job, should not be in the probation period of the job, should be getting enough income to support you and your daughter, should have an apartment big enough to fit 3 people etc.

    Many foreigners in Europe live in less than ideal conditions. I am not aware of the nature of your husbands job but there could be many legal formalities that restrict him from calling you abroad. Pressurizing him
    will only make your situation complicated.

    3) What you should do is to use your connections in Europe to find out the exact status of your husband. If he has another wife here then it will be another story. If this is the case, then you are certainly cheated and
    this matter needs to be handled differently.

    Lastly sister, I see from your post that people in your family are handling this thing emotionally and stepping on each others egos. This is totally unnecessary. What is the point of your father getting angry at the in-laws and then begging for forgiveness.

    The intention behind my advise is to protect you and your daughter from being the victim of the egos of your father and your husband. I think you should:

    a) investigate indirectly what your husband is actually up to

    b) try to find an arrangement to get you back at your husband's home in a manner that is not interpreted as insulting by your husband and his family and is also suitable for you

    c) get some clarity from your husband if it is actually possible for him to take with him and if so then by when would it be possible. But this should be done when things are normalized.

    My sincerest prayers for the health and well being of you and your daughter. I cannot even imagine how tough it must be to go through all this but Allah (SWT) will reward your patience:

    InnAllaha Ma' As'sabireen - “Verily, Allah is with the patient”

    and remember in the words of Quran:

    فإن مع العسر يسرا
    Verily after hardship comes ease. Quran 94:5

  6. ASTAGHFAR abundantly

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