Trying to find the right path again
How you all doing, I'm from turkey but have lived in UK for 12 years. When I came here I slept with every British woman I could, I was young and stupid yeah?
My wife is non muslim british girl, married 2 years. She is expecting my baby in next few weeks , am happy about this. I love my wife and we're having a baby girl.
Problem is, I am not staying faithful. I've been with her 6 years but not been good to her. She does not know this. Its not been a lot but now it is.
I met a girl I had sex with when I was 20. She is local girl and still very sexy. I wanted her and did not tell her until after we had sex that I had wife and she having my baby. She was angry with me but came back and we have been messing around with each other every few weeks. I want to be a good husband and dad but I want to see this girl. A lot of the time she ignores me or attracts me only to laugh and walk away. Makes me hate her and want her at same time.
I've not had sex with my wife in pregnancy because she didn't want it. Ive told myself that this is the only reason I have done this and when my wife wants me I will not want this girl. But am not sure if I will.
I'm trying to find the right path. I have started going to mosque, I have not done this since my father took me.
Please tell this sad bro what he can do??
- Turkish30
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Salams Brother,
Oh my god, I don't want to be too harsh with you as I don't know you, but you are being very unfair,
your behaviour is intolerable and you are badly influenced by the waswasah of the Shaitaan.
I'm sorry to say that, but you are like a drug addict: You have kept doing this for so long that it has
become a habit- and the most beautiful woman doesn't exist. It can be compared to eating in a
restaurant. You enjoy the meal in one restaurant- and you don't have the comparison. But when you
go from restaurant to restaurant, you have tried so many various meals that you can't stick to one
restaurant. You will always gaze at the other meals and restaurants and desire it- unless you
try to discipline yourself in a radical way. This woman is not your mahram- so look away!!!!!!
Brother, you are destroying your life and your marriage, this is zina. This is unfaithfulness
but in my opinion also a disease.
First you have to acknowledge that you are ill and addicted- and you will go on cold turkey because
the temptation is so big that you can't resist.
You will have difficulties to resist that woman, now that you have slept with her.
Being young and stupid can happen, but nobody forced you to build a family. Nobody. It was your choice.
It was your choice to get married and your choice to impregnate your wife; before you tried to become
a responsible family father, you should have changed your entire lifestyle. Your attempt was good, but
your addiction has to be healed first. Firsty, ask yourself why you feel attracted to this other woman. What
does she have that your wife doesn't have? Ur wife should sleep with you-this is your right, It is, however,
not justifiable that you commit zina instead. Talk to her and tell her how to satisfy you.... that would make
much more sense. I think you should break off all ties with this other woman and maybe even avoid
all places where you can meet. her. Move away , I don't know. Just don't react to her seduction, she
is only the embodiment of the Shaitaan and this is Shahwa, nothing else. It is going to destroy your
life and your existence.
Maybe you could consult a sexual therapist, we have a very good sexual therapist in the Muslim world.
Her name is Dr. Heba Kotb and she's from Egypt where she lives and works. She has a website 2.
I'll check this out for you. i'm sure she will help you, even if it's just over the phone.
Her website. http://www.hebakotb.net is currently under construction.
As I said, you are addicted to haram actions and haram women. You need help. Otherwise you will
follow a bad habit. Seek repentance from Allah ta'alah and never do it again. For those who seek
repentance and then sin again and again won't be forgiven. Your wife is expecting a child and it would
break her heart to know the truth. You can still start a new life and become a good person- for the sake
of your little family. Brother you need help.
Fi Aman Allah
As salamu alaykum,
This is just my personal opinion. I realized must be very hard to be in your shoes, and for sure, in your wife´s shoes, please forgive me if I am tough in my comment.
Before anything is Repentance and asking Allah(swt) for Forgiveness and Guidance to be your best. This is going to be in a very personal, intimate conversation with Allah(swt), insha´Allah, you are not going to be the same man after this, insha´Allah. I do believe you really want to get out of that hell you have been in for so long, then Alhamdulillah you are looking for Allah´s help, He is always waiting for us to go to Him, Alhamdulillah..
The first step, if I was you, is to stop contact with this woman, and everytime you get close to her "Audhu billahi minash shaytanii Rajeem", this way you will acknowledge your weakness and at the same time your submision to Allah´s Protection, and you will put yourself in His Hands.
The second step, ( have you taken precautions about sexual sicknesses) I am sorry to tell you this, but before you go to your wife you should go to the doctor to see that you don´t have any kind of sexual sickness, just my personal opinion. It is going to be terrible to know that you have cheated on her but worst if you give her and the baby a sickness, I am sorry for being so tough but can happen.
Now your Heart will be pushing you to tell the truth, and look for your wife´s support to go over this situation, may Allah ease this difficult step for your wife and you. If you mantain the lie you will think in the other woman secretly and that may intensify your passion for her, if you talk to your wife about it, she will come to reality as she is, just a woman who you felt atracted to, she can become past.Other thing is that your wife can know about your affair in any moment. This is going to be a hard, hard situation, but she carries your baby, I believe if you become the man you are called to be, she will forgive you, and you will forgive yourself too, for being the man you were, insha´Allah.
As I told you at the begining is just my personal opinion, I know Forgiveness is possible only if Allah(swt) wants, keep His Names in your thought as much as you can, please pray, acknowledge your weaknesses and ask Him for Help.
This is not going to be easy, all the family is under test, you have the challenge now to build on your family with the right foundations, may Allah(swt) help all of you in this difficult trial.
My Unconditional Respect,
María
You can take the following steps:
01. Immediately and completely CUT OFF your connection with that non-mahram Turkish woman.
02. Sit alone and do some self-reflection. In that self-reflection session, think how merciful and compassionate Allah is with us. He has blessed us with precious faculties like the ability to see, hear, feel, and what not. If we were truly grateful to Him, shouldn't we always use these faculties in obeying Him? But, often we end up in using the God given blessings in His disobedience. Yet, out of His infinite mercy, Allah keeps our sins secret, and continue to provide us with provision. Think of the ingratitude we show to Allah, and compare it with the mercy that Allah shows us. Don't we all be ashamed of ourselves before Allah?
03. The self-reflection session should also include thinking about who we are and where we are going. We all know that Allah created us and to Him is our return. There is no escape. Since our return is inevitable, it is us who will have to decide if we will be sincere with Allah, or if we will be playing hide and seek with our own soul. Allah has given us the free will and we will have to decide.
04. If you choose to be sincere with Allah, let me tell you this: The path will not be easy. Why? Because of the following reasons:
-Immediately after you stop committing the sins, the Shaytan will come to you and whisper to you what great pleasure you are missing. He will constantly tell you that you should do what you were doing and you can repent before you die. These thoughts will make you sad. But here comes the test: your sincerity before Allah. Immediately ward off these thoughts. How can you always repent? We can't, because we never know when we will die. Death can strike us any moment. What if death strikes us when we are doing something haram? On top of that, the ability to repent lies in the hand of Allah. If He does not wish repentence for us, we can't repent. Therefore, once the opportunity of repenting and turning back to Allah is presented to us, we should immediately grab it by both hands.
-You have been addicted to a sin for a long period of time and now if you stop it, you will surely have to suffer that pain of withdrawal. When you suffer the pain of withdrawal, Shaytan will come to you and tell you, "Look man, you are depriving yourselves for no reasons. What is the point of suffering and being a good man? Where is your Allah during this time of mental distress?" Brother, never be deceived by the Shaytan, and remember that Allah never ever abandons His slave who strives in His path. But, to understand that you are receiving the help of Allah during your recovery, you will have to be steadfast, patient, and extremely determined. The help from Allah is proportional to the effort your exert. Believe me about this; I have experienced it. Of course you will not feel it on the first day after you stop committing sins. But if you hold on to the path of Allah, after a month, you will start to feel it. Continue in the path of Allah, and after a year, you will even grow a strong dislike towards those sins. The Messenger of Allah said:
"Whatever wealth I have, I will not withhold from you. Whosoever would be chaste and modest; Allah will keep him chaste and modest and whosoever would seek self-sufficiency, Allah will make him self-sufficient; and whosoever would be patient, Allah will give him patience, and no one is granted a gift better and more comprehensive than patience".
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
-Your nafs will always pressure you for haram pleasure. But remember brother, haram pleasure and inner happiness are completely opposite. Inner happiness comes from the obedience to Allah. Thus when you derive haram pleasure, you pay a huge price, and the inner happiness that is. Sin lowers your self-respect and makes your life restless.
05. Once you choose to be sincere with Allah, your start striving in His path. But we are weak, and we have no power expect what Allah bestows us with. So, make lots of duas to Allah. Cry to Him, as much as you can, feel remorse for what has happened, seek His forgiveness, make repentance, and be hopeful of His mercy. Inshallah He will help you.
You can take professional help as suggested above, but for Muslims, dua acts like that. In a psychological counseling session, you tell everything to the counselor and you feel light. But, we Muslims, admit everything to Allah, and He then helps us.
06. Remember the fact that you have a wife and Allah is going to bless you with a daughter. Just looking at their faces should discourage you from these sins. Just ask yourself if they deserve it. And what standards are you setting as husband or father?
Hope this helps brother. May Allah give you the strength to come to Him.
Two more points to remember once you starts the process of spiritual healing:
01. Always guard your gaze zealously.
02. Never ever think that you have completely defeated your nafs. So always be vigilant.
Turkish30, I will not write a detailed answer as the previous commenters have done a good job ma-sha-Allah. You are destroying yourself spiritually, and you will surely destroy your marriage as well if you keep it up. It's obvious that you must change, and you must find the trigger, or the strength, or the motivation to help you change.
I did not select the image at the top of the post, but I really like it. I encourage you to meditate on that image for a long period of time, and think about what it means, and how it relates to your choices in life.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam-Alaikum,
Brother please watch this video. I hope its helpful. At start its about a specific case, but the points are general and I think they can help many muslims.
http://www.thedeenshow.com/show.php?action=detail&id=1424
regards,
Thanks for the replies but it's got much worse now.
I put this on before my wife had our little girl, my girl now 4 weeks old.
During this time I had seen the girl in street but nothing had happened, we'd smiled at eachother but that it. I knew she had changed job and knew where she was working but not gone to see her.
After coming on here last night and seeing above i went to see her to say sorry and that i was going to be good husband and father from now on.
She was friendly and said she was happy to hear that and that she was with new man and really liked him, they're talking marriage, kids stuff like that.
I don't know why this happened, i lost it or something like that. She was alone at her work, I followed her into cupboard where she was putting stuff away and decided to have one last time with her.
She refused me and I don't hear this, you know? I think I have done something very wrong, she was shaking and upset, she had screamed while it was happening. It all happened so fast, I thought she was still the same and still wanted me.
I am now scared. after, she was upset, not crying but upset. I said I thought it was ok, it had been ok before, she had same look in her eyes, same body language. She says that means nothing, she can't help how her eyes are, that she did not want to do this, that she felt sick.
She'd bit my hand during, thats what had made me stop. She says she will not call police as she still thinks i'm good guy deep down but i have not to go to her again and I should think of my daughter.
I got angry and said she shouldn't talk about my daughter and wife and that I know her and know she will always want me. I don't know why i said that.
She said she was scared her new man finds out and asked me to leave and not bother her again. She asked me not to tell anyone and that she would not tell anyone as she did not want any shame.
I am not going to do this again, I want to be good husband and father, I will make dua and ask forgivness.
This is shocking. You raped the poor woman. Astaghfirullah. You are very lucky that she is not pressing charges, otherwise you could spend many years in prison, and deservedly so. What you did is a serious and shameful sin, and a terrible crime against that woman.
You need professional help. I strongly, strongly advise you to see a therapist regularly in order to work out these behavior problems of yours, before you end up in prison, and with a ruined marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
WOAH... My heart just dropped!!............. Um.. Brother Wael, I'm gonna say it how I see it, and I won't be offended if you delete this, but I have to say it!
DUDE.. WHAT THE ^(#$* ................ You are not the king of the world, you were not born a prince. You're a father, you're a husband that's made some very very stupid choices in life. Why is it you feel the need to continue your life making stupid choices? Clearly it doesn't take a genius to figure out when you have your "last one" and a woman is screaming that umm maybe...just maybeeeeeee you need THINK. Try that.. THINK... THINK.. very hard before you do anything. Ever action has a consequence....you are wronging innocent people by your stupidity, not only that you're walking around this world as if you have a right to do whatever you feel like it. Just because you don't want to hear a woman tell you she's not into you any more, you're gonna be an egotistical @$$, throw a tantrum and get what you want. Socially unacceptable and ISLAMICALLY .. JUST DISGUSTING!!
More then you needing serious help, you NEED to use your brain. You don't strike me as mentally impaired, but definitely, definitely SELFISH. Consider something (NOT YOURSELF)......that you are really *bleep* messing up your family's life. THINK man.............
As salamu alaykum Turkish30,
May Allah(swt) guide every step you take to get out of that hell you are in, insha´Allah.
I am not cualified to tell you exactly what to do, and first of all I am noone, but if I was you I would think about seeking for professional help (look for a doctor you trust to tell everything, a doctor that can guide you to a specialist, insha´Allah), right now you need to solve it with professional help, you need to stop this where it is and heal yourself, insha´Allah.
Please, don´t let it go, you had this sign to tell you how bad is the situation, He has given you the opportunity to do the right movements from now on, please listen and look for help, insha´Allah.
Before making any movement, please pray Allah(swt) to help you, to guide you, to be with you, ...insha´Allah.
Allah(swt) knows best.
May Allah(swt) guide all of us to the Straight Path.
My Unconditional Respect,
María
This has been the hardest time for me, in this site, since I first visited a month ago. Being a woman has been extremly tough for me to sign "Unconditional Respect", but I do believe Allah(swt) has given you the opportunity to come here, to talk to the people here about what you have done, to look for someone to awake you from the nightmare you are in and you are putting others. Then the strongest feeling I have is that someway a part of you is there scare of what you have done, I talk to that part, ...may Allah(swt) help you, insha´Allah.
María
Please, listen to Wael.
The best therapy for you is in Makkah. Go there and tell a judge what you've done and how you feel, and the judge will prescribe you with the most effective medication in the world, trust me. All of your problems will go away, I promise my friend.
Advisor,
Going for hajj or umrah is not a magic potion that sorts out your problems. When you come back from Mecca, you are still faced with the same world and the same 'me'.
This man needs professional help and he needs to turn to Allah right now to seek forgiveness.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You did not get the point 😉
If he admit to a judge of what he has done so far, the Saudi judge will happily prescribe the following medicine for him:
http://www.mudulood.com/Sacuudi.html
Stranger, be careful of the links you post. At least one of your links was to a very anti-Islamic website.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Oh my goodness this is just terrible!
I can only hope that you are ashamed of what you have done and not repeated a similar attack on your wife. I actually fear for the safety of your wife and this other girl.
Despite the fact that this girl had lured you away with suggestive eyes in the past, it would appear that she too was trying to move on/change her ways. This has envoked a jealous reaction for you which has resulted in this attack.
Why did you feel this way? She was not your property, she was not even your wife, she was not the person that you could make intimate requests to. To say "I know her and know she will always want me" would indicate that you are, as above poster has suggested, addicted to this woman and it is hurting you that she has perhaps moved on from you before you have from her?
Be thankful that she does not wish to persue this further with the police. For her to say that she still thinks you are a good person is astonishing but be thankful.
DO NOT go to her again. You are a danger to her. She will be avoiding you now so the chance should not be there but do not go to her work. Why did you go there anyway? If you had not spoken with her for sometime why use what was said on here as an excuse to talk to her? Was it like a red flag to a bull? Do not repeat such an attack on anyone.
Love and protect your wife and daughter, use what has happened to improve yourself as a person, learn from this horrendous mistake.
I am speechless! I dont understand how u wanted to be a good father and hubby but still decided for 1 last time??? It doesnt make sense... Either way what you did was awful! All I will say is you need to repent and get professional help as soon as possible! I dont want to echo want everyone said but just need to drive the point forward that its sooo important that you do this.
Your marriage and family are hanging by a lifeline as well as your freedom. Do you really want to risk them? Turn around get help, vow to learn and take the road to Jannat not Jahannam.
May Allah guide you
Ameen
It seems that your desires are controlling u and not the way its supposed to be (you control them). You also seem to be obsessed with this woman. (or any woman who is not yours.) Go to counselling and get professional help!
Also try fasting regularly and start praying if u dont already. Make a solemn vow to change. And know that everytime u get tempted towards a woman or any sort of haraam its shaytan whispering to u - an your responding. Are you going to let him succeed in leading u to jahannam?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POz1ks1BIIg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYK5IJ05a_g&feature=related
(These videos will be checked I know - forgive me if theres a mistake in them. They show the way shaytaan whispers to us - its important to be aware of this.)
Also I think if you want to be a good husband and father u better get prepared. Try to improve your marriage if theres something u feel could be imrpoved. Spend time with your wife. Im sorry but u shud know the truth - husbands are in such denial about this but once the baby comes - things get harder. The husband feels pushed out so you will have to work much harder to spend time with your wife.
Try to help her as much as u can she will be very tired. And try to set aside some time each day to spend time together. Failing that, if u can try to get someone to take care of the baby 1 evening a week or somethin like that and do something. Go out for a walk. Take her somewhere anything. Try to remember why u fell in love an married her. If you are there for her an fulfil her emotional needs, she is more likely to fulfil your physical ones better. (but dont do it just for that u may be dispaointed) Be patient. She may get emotional and be irrational but this is all normal after the birth of a baby an InshaAllah will pass - if it goes on for months - she can do docs to get medicine for it. Be patient, kind and loving. Try to bond with ur wife and daughter and realise the blessings Allah has bestowed on u.
Stay away from the other girl - lower ur gaze if u see her in the street. If u get a dirty thought say audho billahi mina shaytaan nirajeem. remember babies are hard work - but your daughter is a blessing
. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP
. Get close to your deen. (pray fast)
. Make sincere tawbah (forgiveness)
. Avoid evil deeds (this girl/any other fitnah)
. Spend time with your family and make an effort.
May Allah swt help u and make it easy for u
Ameen
This is awful vile story i have ever come across this website. You need professional help and the sake of your wife and daughter you should think twice otherwise you be in jail if you carry on
Salam brother,
I am extremely disturbed after reading your post. I do not how to react but I will try my best not to be harsh.
Brother, what are you doing? I am sorry to say but you are making your nafs (desires) your God, nauzubillah. You keep following your desires yet you claim to feel guilty. I understand that it is hard but let me ask you a question. Let's assume, your wife was doing all this behind your back, running off to another man for intimacy, finding him extremely hot and sexy, etc etc. How would you feel? Betrayed, used, stabbed in the back? Of course! And now you are blessed with a healthy baby alhumdulillah, yet you are denying the blessings Allah has bestowed upon you? What if tomorrow, due to Allah's wrath you loose your wife and child and then you are left with nothing and no one? Why are you becoming so weak and following shaitiaan's command?
Brother if you find this woman so tempting, why not ask your wife for something similar when being intimate. Why not change things a bit so that your passion re-embarks and you find your wife the most attractive woman rather than this other woman. Brother you seriously cannot be this weak. I am going to be blunt, but be a MAN and learn to put a break on your desires. You have a wife at home with whom you can derive all pleasure from in a HALAL manner so why are you choosing this HARAM path? If you honestly think you will get any good out of his other than short term pleasure, think again.
All I can say to is fear Allah, for when you get him angry, you never know, these blessings (your wife and child) that you are taking for granted may just be easily snatched from you and that day you will realize what their value is. I do hope though that you realize before that day comes, inshAllah.
You still have time to smarten up now, take advantage of Allah's mercy!
well said, dear sister, May Allah bless you for these words of wisdom. (Amin).
Muhammad1982
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakAllah Khair, brother.
Helo
Uno what u have done is extremeley disturbing. You both have a part to play and you sort of people make me sick. Men like you shouldn't exist I'm sorry but its true. Your poor sweet wife cooking and cleaning giving birth to your seed and rasing it you know how hard this job can be. You don't because your a weak little boy. Just you wait when the tables turn on you. When your daughter is grown and she finds a man just like you. You will be sorry but its too late.