My wife is too religious and I wish I’d married someone else
I am a 26 year old man who has been married for 8 years now.
I was in love with this muslim girl who happens to be from the same country (Yemen) but she is from the North and I am from the South. I was raised in America my whole life so I didn't see why they had so much prejudice.
At the age of 17 I proposed the idea to my parents about marrying this girl I go to school with who is muslim and very conservative as well. They went bezerk and said you shall not marry a girl who's been raised in America let alone a girl from the North. We don't know their tradition and what they are raised to do. She might come in trying to be the man of the house. I knew they would disagree before I even mentioned it to them and I argued with respect for about 3-4 months then I gave up. This girl already knew from her friend that I wanted to propose to her and she even had her brother keep asking about me to see if I got married or not.
Coming close to my graduation, I turned 18 and my parents said they wanted me to get married. They proposed several girls from Yemen, I said no. My father had came back from Yemen and said that he met this respectful angel in our village and wanted me to step up and ask for her hand before she was taken. He said she was pretty and respectful and will make me happy. I respect and love my father and my mother and I would die for them. In our culture whatever they command us to do, we follow and respect their decisions because they will never seek bad for us. He did this for all my other brothers and they are living happily from what it seems I guess. My father recently passed away so please make duaa for him as well.
I agreed after he gave me a 2 day notice because I would end up going to Yemen and getting married regardless. So I went there and the only time I saw her was the day of engagement. They made me dress up and I went and I guess everything was a rush and we got engaged and two days later was henna and wedding. I was excited because everyone made me excited that I am making this big step and finally completing my dream, so I gave it a shot. She was pretty, she was naive and she was very respectful. I starting getting feelings for her because she was so shy and loving, like I just got her and she is my own and I will shape her to be the wife of my dreams.
I stayed with her for about 6 months and then I went back to the states to work and goto college. I stayed for about two years and during this time I applied for her to come to the States. I went to Yemen during the summer of 2010 and that was when it was her interview and we came back together right before my fall semester of school. She stayed with my mother and father in a different state because my mom needed someone to help her. I was working with my brother and going to school.
A year later my parents and wife moved in with us and we all stayed in the same house. It was ok. I didn't mind her but she was beginning to change and become more like my sisters-in-law and I despise their attitude. So it was a lot of arguments which is healthy in a relationship. She got pregnant and we got a daughter and we were all excited about that and I love my daughter to death. After a year I graduated with a bachelors degree and moved by myself to do a masters program in a different state. I was happy living alone by myself but I did miss my daughter.
After the masters program I got accepted to medical school alhamdulillah. So I was excited about taking my wife and daughter and to live together as a family. I finally got to be with my wife and daughter alone and have our own privacy and just get to know each other more. Because out of my whole marriage till that day I've only spent with my wife 2 years and half out of 7 years.
It has been a year living alone with my wife making it 3 years and half together out of 8 and I am not happy. The thing that I don't like about my wife is that she does not want to integrate with this society. She is becoming more and more religious to the point where TV is haram. Our 3 year old had to have hijab from the age of 1 1/2. She said she will be homeschooled because she doesn't want her to lose self respect in public schools. She is not allowed to watch american cartoon shows/films. She also said as a doctor I'm not allowed to treat female patients above the age of 9.
She is too extreme for me and sometimes I wish if she can just marry a sheikh or something. She does not want nothing but to be the best muslimah there is and I totally respect and value that. But we live two different lifestyles and there is a language barrier. My arabic is not so good and her english is not so good.
I am unable to share with her what is going on with my life or just have that partner that I envisioned of having. I honestly am in this relationship for the sake of Allah. I had no love but I kept telling myself it will come with time, just be patient and I was patient but I still dont love her. I am scared because as a muslim I must do my rights as a husband and I have not been doing that lately. I always distract myself and say maybe it's the stress from med school or not being able to live my life because I'm a student but it's not.
I honestly don't love her and to make this even more complicated she's almost 4 months pregnant with possibly a boy. I am not looking for divorce because that is not easy in our culture and will lose respect on both sides of the family. I also care for her well being and future. I would love to support her financially and not be her husband and be judged for lacking the duties in judgement day.
I don't know what to do, please help me. I honestly wish I had to disobeyed my parents and married the girl I have been in love with since second grade. We would have been on the same page and I wouldn't have to worry about trying to make my wife the woman I need as a partner. I know that sounds a bit selfish but I just want to be able to live comfortably without having to fake my love for anyone. I am a really nice guy and would never say anything or do anything to hurt her or make her mad.
These thoughts are just killing me and I don't know what to do. If I can fix it and if she can understand me and just cope along with my way of life it would be so much easier but she is making it very difficult for me. Even her brother came over one time to visit and thought she was being a bit too extreme, yet I let her be that way because I know thats how we should be and dedicate our life to Allah. I just thought there was supposed to be some moderation between preparing for the next life and living this one. I know theres not buts and ifs and even though I was young I'm living with my mistake of arranged marriage till the end.
All my wife does all day is listen to sheikh lectures all day. I try to bring her a disc to learn english, since we are in America and it is vital that she needs to learn to communicate whenever she goes anywhere or just to be aware of whats going on. Her argument is why should I learn when I can learn quran instead.
My only hope that if she learns english maybe she'll make some friends and maybe she will be more moderate and kind of adapt to my way of life. I am an easy outgoing, loving guy. I am good, I pray I do my muslim duties and I do want to become more islamic little by little to gain higher levels, but when someone imposes it on you, it kind of makes you not want to do it cause it gets hard. This life is short I know but I dont want to be punished for not being able to do my duties as a husband with her. She deserves better than me and at times she knows it too.
I just dont know what to do. I know Allah doesn't make a mistake when picking a naseeb. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Jazakum Allah Khayr!
muslim615
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Asalam o Alaikum. Dear brother your story and whatever that is happening to you both is just a lack of communication and that you are too soft and caring. You have to get some time alone with your wife and tell her how you feel, and tell her what you want. If she doesn’t agree than I think you should take another wife that is moderate because islam premitts you.
You say that you don’t love her (it brings smile to my face) but you want to support her if (God forbbid) you leave her, you listen and understand what she has to say and want. Brother let me tell you! You love her. Its just not all sparks and fireworks. Its a passive kind of love, which I believe is stronger because you know, firewood burns out but a coal can stay hot for very long time.
So here are my suggetions(should you choose to follow):-
1) take some time alone! And make her understand what you ask. Coz you never got the chance to mold her into the girl you wanted. So try to do that first. It maybe hard but I dont think impossible.
2) Ask her what and how she feels about everything(without an argument). Try to turn her around and tell her that you are not gonna throw her to hell or something, just want her to be a bit less rigid on everything.
3) you can pretend that you are upset etc. So that she would change her mind.
4) if it doesn’t work then tell her that you will take another wife, see how she reacts. If she reacts negatively then say its my right! And islam gives it to me, so you have to deal with it. or I get back from this and you become a little less conservative in your actions.
5) try your best! But if nothing works, take another wife maybe and give both of them equal haqouq.
May Allah help you get out of this problem and puts love and understanding in you both. Ameen. Wasalam.
P.s: please don’t take anything I said negatively because its just my understanding. Maybe someone here understands the situation better than me.
Assalam wa alikum
Please don't listen to Arwa regarding take another wife, everywhere in this forum whenever there is a problem some brother says take another wife as if that would solve it, I mean seriously what if you have the same problem with your second wife and the consequences on the marriage maybe strained because of resentment your first wife would feel towards you taking another wife. Read the other accounts about other brothers who have more then one wife and how strained their marriage is, it works for some but most I have seen with my eyes, it does not.
Sometimes I think muslim brother don't use their brains seriously before suggesting another wife?? especially when there are steps you haven't taken already to solve this problem. Am not against a man having several wife's but I am against it when it is unhealthy on the marriage and done for the wrong reasons such as your inability to deal with the problems you are facing.
Yes it is a communication problem also you both haven't sought help such as speaking to an Imam, Sheikh or marriage councillor. Most importantly it is unlikely that your wife even think that there is a problem for her to even have the opportunity to deal with it together. Two people must work on the marriage, it is not just your problem.
I suggest you stop thinking about that other girl you didn't marry, Allah gave you a wife as a test, it is a test, no women would be perfect wife for you, no one has that as we live in the limited world and everything you have and are given is a test. When we go to Jannah inshaaAllah we will have the perfect spouse but not here. Marriage is a test, it can strengthen your Iman even if it leads to divorce, it is your test.
Hope I helped
Asalam o Alaikum. I am a sister not a brother and you are right. I may have wrongly advised our brother in problem even though I added the word "maybe" and in the end said that I might be wrong and someone here has a better knowledge of the solution coz in the end we all are humans and can make mistakes. I meant no one any harm nor I meant to make anyone’s life any difficult. Wasalam. May Allah bless you and us all. Ameen
Assalam wa alikum
Sorry sister for thinking you are a brother. Sister I know your intention in giving advice was good and agree we are all humans and make mistakes. InshaaAllah we will be rewarded for all our good intentions, actions and forgiven for our mistakes. May Allah bless you and us all.
I want to add I know you said, 'I might be wrong and someone here has a better knowledge of the solution coz in the end we all are humans and can make mistakes' and I agree on this. I hope I did not offend you.
No! Its okay. You did not offend me in anyway but rather made me humble and made me reacknowledge that no one is perfect but Allah swt. May Allah bless you too...
Are you for real?
The brother is 100% percent at fault and his wife is pious mashallah, did you read the post before you commented? lets hope brother doesn't take your post seriously, i have never read such a ridiculous comment, your advice is threaten your pious wife, who you are currently wronging with another wife?
Sorry thats plain wicked.
Astagfirullah brother/sister
Salam brother,
Alhamdulilah your children have such a respectable mother, who can teach them Quran, Sunnah, Arabic, and proper Islam. I suggest you do not try to sabotage your wife's iman, as that would be wrong to be Shaitans hands in this world. It sounds like you two might not talk enough, so you should consider Arabic lessons for ypurself so you can be able to communicate better.
Shereen
Brother,
The purpose of human creation is To please Allah we must follow His commands and Sunnah. Which is not easy now a days because of shaitan's struggle we are living in a secular culture that is purely materialistic and has no vision beyond this worldly life which is mortal.
The term extremism is recently introduced by the enemies of Islam to create people who are religious but to the level of prayer only. Their way of life should be similar to non believers. They should mix with non mahram. Hijab/beard is inside. Dress like non believers etc etc And must Live on interest based income. Such attributes will be called as moderate Islam.
However Allah's Apostle told us which means we will stand with those whom we imitate. So if it is about halaal and haraam Islam is extremist. Riba is haraam no matter what logic people can give it will remain haraam. Mixing with non mahram is not permissible it will remain as it is. Veil is obligatory we have to abide by Allah's commands and sunnah. And let people say you are extremist. They will repent on the day of judgment in front of Allah swt. They will ask for one more chance to go to the world and do good deeds this time but will not be useful. Therefore what your wife is doing is according to the correct teachings of Islam.
Since you have been living in a secular state you are unable to understand that she is right in ger acts.
I would wish my wife to have hijab but she has logic that her breath stops doing so. I wish Islamic education for the kids but she wants the best American school. I talk to her regarding this and just pray for her, I love her more so that she might consider my point of view some day. But I don't think about divorce. I think Allah has made the best choice for us and we have a role to play in our life. Every one is in a different situation just focus on your strengths and remember your role in her life.
Dear Brother
I agree with sister Arwa here that this is a lack of communication. But do not get divorce or have a second wife. You will not be able to do justice to both. Your approach of letting her become a moderate person with the passage of time is the correct one. Keep helping her to learn the western culture and help her find open-minded friends and they will help her to realize her mistake.
I believe that she has the right of islamising her family according to her way after all she owns the house and children are a part of mother more than father. She is wrong of homeschooling as it will never work.
Show her the examples of islamic families successfully integrating well in america.
Brother ,
Your wife seems to be a very good girl and pious muslimah .You should not leave her .
Imagine a life with new woman and she is in to all non islamic acts like no hijab ,extramarital affairs ,haraam social circle etc etc ? So be grateful that you have such a good wife and try to resolve issues .Don't do injustice to her
The other side of grass looks green so don't fall for it
Brother it's sounds like a very hard situation.
Maybe try writing down a list or think about the positives of your marriage and the negatives. Sometimes we are unhappy we forget about the small good things people do.
Also, I understand that there is a language barrier, but do try to express your feelings about the hijab at such a young age, or other things that you feel she can compromise in. I also think that is too young, she doesn't even understand it as a child. It's meant yo be worn at puberty. Talk to her. If you want to have a close relationship, just talk to her.even if you don't think she will budge or understand, still keep talking and open up to her. You can't get that intimacy if you don't have trust.
Take the time to date your wife. Go out to eat alone, have fun , have a picnic, take walks together alone, be romantic and see if it sparks something in your relationship.
Surprise her one day and tell her you will take her to a spa and maybe a hair cut or whatever she likes while you arrange baby siting. Just do something romantic and spontaneous and see if you can show her you care and you will be surprised by her affection back.
Most women just want to feel acknowledged that the work they are doing is important.....thnk you for taking care of our daughter, thank you for the food, it's delicious...simple kind words.
In the end,keep talking and ask her if she is happy as well. Talk to her about how she feels the marriage is going. Once you have her answer, you can go from there.
Also consider your life without her and your children, how does that feel? Does it feel better or conflicting for you? Just imagine living alone while she has the children and another man raising your lil ones? is that a future you want to see? If it doesn't bother you and it feels better to not have her in your life, you have to think about that. If you can't do that,...then try to see if you can bring life into your marriage.
Honestly it's hard when you feel you can't connect to your spouse, but you have been married a long time and I don't think you are a compatible match from the begining, as you said you should have just said no. BUT...now you in this , with 2 children.....and now it's up to you to make the best of your life and the decisions that you have made. May Allah make it easy for you brother.
OP: I am scared because as a muslim I must do my rights as a husband and I have not been doing that lately. I always distract myself and say maybe it's the stress from med school or not being able to live my life because I'm a student but it's not........Our 3 year old had to have hijab from the age of 1 1/2. She said she will be homeschooled because she doesn't want her to lose self respect in public schools. She is not allowed to watch american cartoon shows/films. She also said as a doctor I'm not allowed to treat female patients above the age of 9......All my wife does all day is listen to sheikh lectures all day. I try to bring her a disc to learn english, since we are in America and it is vital that she needs to learn to communicate whenever she goes anywhere or just to be aware of whats going on. Her argument is why should I learn when I can learn quran instead.
Your parents have destroyed your life. They did not allow you to marry a Muslim girl who grew up in USA. Your parents thought Muslim girls who grew up in US can't be good mothers and/or good wives. ..... She (American girl) might come in trying to be the man of the house.......
I hope your wife is not listening to some Jihadi Seikh....Why can't your wife learn both English and Quran at the same time? If your wife thinks US will have bad influence on your kids why did she marry you and moved to US. It seems you have lost sexual interest in her too.
What do your parents say about your 3 year old daughter wearing a hijab? What do they say about her refusal to study English?
SVS ,
Rather than giving any solution it seems you are provoking him with negatives .
Perhaps if you hate something in her you will love something else and Allah brings out something you hate in her an immense amount of good.
Also, growing up in American schools, I've noticed the standards for morality have dropped drastically. I remember in high school 90%+ of girls dressed extremely revealingly(revealing by American standards) and people are leaving Islam and agnosticism and atheism is increasing. In middle school even you have kids having sex with one another, cutting themselves, becoming horrific in behavior(you don't know how my sister transformed after just a year in middle school), volatile and so on. Not to mention the behavior of the people of Lut AS and acceptance of it!
Is it right to your children to put them through these pressures? All for the sake of "moderation"? Really? If you can't find a decent school, your wife as a point.
If you hope your kids get into a STEM education and career, I don't think school is even necessary as a engineering major myself in college and seeing the massive amount online resources....and I mean massive. I'm not sure if the same online resources are available for English writing, literature and history/sociology and other humanities subjects though. But for math and science the internet is now an ocean of amazing lectures and resources.
Homeschooling doesn't necessitate no interaction with other kids or no teachers. There are a number of options available now not available before. I was housemates with highschool Muslims who were of wonderful manners and character and and who both lived with me and excelled in school and there ability to communicate and socialize with everyone. The would come to school at times to receive homework or take tests. I think they also had occasional sessions with the teacher but that is it. I'm convinced in my third year out of highschool that public schools can actually hinder ones education and development and most importantly, ones social skills, communication, character and manners.
You seem to fear the akhira-Alhamduliah. You may just find out Allah considers her methods and ideas for the children to be far superior to yours in every aspect. Accept that possibility with humility.
Life is short the akhirah is eternal. Save yourself from Allah's punishment in this and the next and make a strong effort on your part to be a better husband. Think about your wife's situation-is everything that has been dealt to her fair? Can you think, imagine the stress and fear and greif she is going through thinking about her future and the children and the akhirah? Empathize with her and perhaps Allah will relieve you entirely.
May Allah inspire us with immense love and fear of Him and take care of us in in this life and the next.
Assalam alaikum,
As a fellow Muslim first, then of South -Yemeni extraction myself, I concour with most of the advice given.A higher level of Iman is a blessing from الله عز وجل which should not be intentionally reduced.According to the Aqeedah of ahl-sunnah, the Iman increases with acts of obedience & decreases with acts of sin.Your rightous wife is your best investment in dunya and akhira.May ALLAH have mercy on your father.He truly wanted the best for you & it has shown itself.
I fully understand you if you feel her deen is strong for you.But try your level best to match her.Allah does not burden a soul which it cannot bear.
Finally, remember when ALLAH will admit Muslims in Jannah by his own mercy & then lift them up according to their deeds, only then will people fully appreciate the smallest of deeds.
Brother I'm going to be quite blunt in my response so I'm sorry if it offends you.
Your saying things like you wish you hadn't listened to your parents and married her, that you don't love her etc - well the truth is that you did!!! Your parents had no right to pressurise you to marry her, but you were old enough to refuse that decision.
You've barely spent any time with your wife. You spent the honeymoon phase of your life apart, which is usually the time where both spouses spend time together and set the foundations for their marriage, it helps the love to grow. You then let your wife stay with your parents when she came to the country, because your mum needed help?! Your wife was very patient to do this, because she didn't get married to help your parents! Don't get me wrong it's good that she does, but she should have been living with you, don't you think she deserves to be loved and have affection from her husband rather than living apart? She's spent all this time away from you , living with your parents who are probably religious and very traditional, so it's natural that she'll become like them? It doesn't seem like you really made the effort to get to know her or even help her to integrate and now that she's living with you like a child your throwing a tantrum for her to be a certain way?
Brother you need to take a look at yourself. All these complaints your making about your wife, before doing so take a glance at yourself, look at all the reasons you have given your wife to complain about you but she hasn't - most probably because she is a woman of good faith. I'm not saying that your wife should neglect you and focus only on her faith, but I also think that by using this as an excuse to not like her is very ungrateful on your part.
You need to spend time with her, get to know her, work on loving her and building a bond rather than focussing on the things you don't like about her. Whoever this girl was that you wanted to marry in the past, don't compare your wife to her. It was your responsibility to help your wife settle into a new country not your parents.
Your wife seems to be quite set in her ways now, so perhaps a direct approach would not be taken well now. I would suggest a more subtle approach, maybe going to Islamic talks together, perhaps helping her find courses/hobbies etc where she meets other balanced sisters. Meeting other Muslim couples, and also to spend some alone time with her just doing romantic couples things, as well as fun things as a family.
Ultimately you need to stop blaming her, and take some ownership for your marriage too. Same way you have expectations from her she has them of you as well. You need to stop complaining and put some effort into changing things and InshaAllah I'm sure your wife will respond positively.
Also another thing I'd like to add is that you really need to reflect on what is important for you. You have actually turned something good about your wife eg faith into a negative ??? I'd understand if you were struggling because she was abusive, lying, cheating etc but she's none of those things. Essentially what your saying is she hasn't got a balance. She's focussed only on pleasing Allah swt and you feel neglected. Well like I said before you need to help her achiever a healthier balance, it may well be that she is focussing so much on religion because she hasn't really received the right sort of attention from you ? I could be wrong but that's just my understanding of the situation.
Couldn't have said it better,
Salam alaikum brother,
I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your father, may Allah give him Jennah inshallah,
I agree with the consensus of people who have commented here, you don't seem to have been too bothered to live apart from your wife at the early stages of your marriage, yet wonder why love hasn't developed in your heart? love develops brother, it doesn't just 'happen'.
Your very critical of your wife's every move, while she has left her home country for you, lived among your family for you, lived apart from you for you, and is trying her best to be a good Muslim
why does it concern you that she spends her time in search of knowledge while it is her duty to seek knowledge in Islam? what would you rather her do? be reading vogue magazine?
Your wife's values are more worthy then yours brother, its seems you are very ungrateful having a pious wife is the dream of so many many good men, Allah has chosen you to receive such a blessing and you repay him by finding it fit to complain?
Your wife is spot on about you not seeing mature women in your role as a doctor, its not of dire necessity for you to treat women, therefore haram, your wife is not extreme in any respect to remind you of this!
The only thing i disagree with your wife on is having a 1.5 year old wear hijaab, speaking from experience this is a form of cruelty, a baby/toddler/young female is not required to wear the hijaab, i am all for introducing the hijaab at an early age to have a girl become used to it, however this is too young and will possibly led to negative repercussion and rebellion, your daughter is also entitled to a childhood before the responsibilities of a mature muslimah.
I think your wife means well, so talk to her in kindness, present her the islamic facts, assure her, discuss a more suitable age for your daughter to be introduced to the hijaab,
Brother try and spend quality time alone with your wife as a priority, make up for lost time, remember how truly blessed you are leave alone these negative thoughts brother there from the shaytaan,
may allah bless your marriage
Your wife seems to be overdoing her worship. Hijab for a 1 1/2 year old? Fully homeschool? We as muslims have to live in this same world and are not expected to live on some other planet.
You seem like a sensible guy and practicing too. Pray for guidance from Allah. I would suggest you take marriage counselling with an Islamic counselor. You can try Noor Consulting. They do sessions online if you are anywhere in US. He will help you find a middle ground. May Allah bless your marriage.
look whose talking
girl who doesnt have haya
if you had you knew what she is doing right or wrong
you have agonised your self with worldly desire
so it has became life for you
not thinking of akhirat
what i have to face fire
haya? or shamelessness
Asalam alikum brother..just curious how are you and wife doing now ??
our Dear Prophet has said the best wealth is good wife
and in other hadees said should search for pious wife for better hereafter
in your case,
there are people in this world who say world is better than heaven
and kafir wife shameless is better than best muslim wife who has haya
there are people living like this
some people who call themselves muslims are just for namesake
there every amal says i am a non believer or worshipper of drainage called as shaitan
you better put you hand in fire and feel
because it is you who desire bad for your yourself in akhirat
your abode will be hell forever for desiring bad better start praticing here itself
muslim is the person who puts aakhirat in front of him
in my experience i have seen biggest odds and even in this world
and the rare unvaluable who have value only for jannat are the pious women
you better give her to me
i will be happiest man on this earth
Hi. I'm kinda like your Wife and I was searching the internet for an answer cos, my Fiancé (in my opinion) is not what I wished he was religiously... I guess for me it's harder to want to get away from Quran and lectures because of the happiness and peace it gives me but also because of the habit of it and the responsibility I have toward that which I mémorised.
My advice would be that you find a sheikh from Yemen who would speak on your behalf about how a Wife should serve her husband as one of the best things she can do for her akhirah ... And about how she can choose any door of heaven if she: 1) keeps her modesty 2) obeys her husband 3) prays 4) fasts.
The religious knowledge she seeks is not gonna be good if it's not practiced, advice her that to practice it she must interact with society. With English she can mix with the Jemaah and teach them all the beauty of Quran and love for the shuyukh.
She won't listen to you yet but she will listen to religious authority so 🙂 inshaaAllah
Also, try more positivity. Don't say do this and that but if you do this you get what you want. Find what she is aiming for and show her how what you want is the means of attaining what she wants 🙂
P.s. My heritage is also from Yemen haha